SIL and Dogs!

[DillyDingDillyDong]

NC for this. Not sure if this is more of a WWYD or possibly just a rant!

It's DS's birthday on Friday and we're having a little party in our house on Saturday. There will be about 20 adults and ten children from 1-8.

SIL doesn't have any children, quite often makes a point of saying she doesn't want any, but has two dogs. She text DH last night to see if we needed her to bring anything and DH asked if she could pick a cake up from Costco on the way to save us doing it on Friday. She replied saying that she wouldn't have room in the car for the cake with the dogs being in there.

DH replied asking why the dogs would be in the car and she replied saying that she wouldn't be able to leave them at home for the few hours she is out at the party.

DH ended up calling her up and telling her that the dogs wouldn't be able to come, she then went on to say how the weekend is her time with the dogs and she doesn't want to leave them. She also knows that we've recently had our garden done and so said it would be really nice for them to be able to play outside. He just repeated that the dogs weren't able to come as we are possibly getting a bouncy castle on the day(our friend owns one and can give it to us last minute) if the weather is ok. She accused him of making this up and that he should have made it clear the invite wasn't for the whole family before saying that if her dogs went welcome then she wouldn't be comings do then hung up. DH was just in shock and we couldn't think of anything else to say to her. If she wants to miss her nephews first birthday because she can't leave the dogs for four hours at the most despite leaving them from half seven to half seven every day at work then it's up to her.

She text me earlier to ask if DH had told me what she had said. I replied and said he had and that it was a shame for her to miss the party but the dogs can't come and we had assumed that she would have known that. She replied saying it was a shame that we didn't recognise that the dogs are part of her family. I said that I know she cares about her dogs but this is a child's party and we don't want them here for it. She has just replied with this text

"I feel like you don't realise how important they are to me. They are my family, my babies. I would never not invite DS to my house or say he wasn't welcome or suggest you leave him at home or with a sitter. I'm not going to come on Saturday. I haven't seen DSsince Christmas and was looking forward to it but it's unfair to ask me to give up time with the boys when I get to spend so little time with them as it is."

I am sat here just in disbelief. I don't even know what to say to her.

I know I'm not being unreasonable not inviting the dogs to my house. I just have no idea where to go with this now. DH is in a meeting until one so I can't even call him to tell him what's been said. My jaw is aching from my face just being like this for the last ten minutes! She's always been very precious about the dogs and didn't come to a Christmas Eve thing at our old flat because we didn't have space for the dogs and all the presents were out under the tree etc. But I thought she would be a bit more reasonable about leaving them for a few hours to see DS.

Does anyone have any advice please?!

How did it go OP!!

Sorry everyone! It's been a long day and DS had a bit too much cake so has been bouncing around! We had a lovely day, thank you again to everyone who wished us a nice party!

SIL didn't turn up. One of DH's relatives asked MIL where she was and when she said she couldn't come because of the dogs he just laughed. A couple of other people commented on her absence but more in a how silly she's being way.

MIL stayed after everyone else had gone and SIL called her to see where she was. MIL told her she was still here and SIL asked if she could come. MIL said yes but DH overheard and said no. He then spoke to her on the phone and said that she'd missed her nephews party and we were tidying away and wanted some time together after a busy day. MIL then had a go at DH saying he was wrong to not let her come and was just being stubborn. He then pointed out everything SIL has done this week and said he couldn't believe how she was calling him out for it but not saying anything to SIL. He said he didn't want yo argue about it with her and the issue is between him and SIL so it would be best for her to not mention it again.

Mil left shortly after but then called me halfway home crying saying how much SIL cared about DH and DS and asked me to call SIL. I said that DH has said its between him and SIL so it's up to them both to sort it and I'm staying out of it.

SIL did call up to speak to DH. She apologised for missing the party but said that we could have tried harder to convince her she was welcome. He said that an invite and him saying you are welcome but no dogs should have been enough. He asked if there was anything else we need to know. He said that the way she had acted this week was out of order and childish and he couldn't understand why she was being like that or what we could have possibly done to make her act like that. He also said she's coming across jealous of DS and asked if there was anything that we didn't know about that could maybe explain it. She said she feels like MIL likes me more because I am a 'mum type person' whereas she has never been like that. She said that she thinks we judge her for her choice not to have children and focus on her career. She also said that we never showed an interest in the dogs from when she first got them. Dh told her that this was all not true, my brother and his wife moved for their careers and don't want children and we are just glad that they're happy, mil certainly doesn't feel that way about me and also when she got the first dog we had just miscarried and had a lot on our mind made worse by her insensitive comments. DH said that he wants to try and fix things before it gets to a point where we don't speak anymore but she needed to change her attitude and accept that DS will have to be prioritised and centre of attention at times but it doesn't mean that she's forgotten about or that she has to fight to be seen. She said that she'll try and see us next weekend.

Not too sure what to think. I think her reasons are plucked out of air in an attempt to justify her behaviour because MIL always favours her, even through this. I am the only one out of my close friends with a child, one can't have children and one doesn't want any and the others are just concentrating on having fun which I have never been judgemental about and always supportive of their choices. One of DH's cousins had a termination a couple of years ago while I was ttc and told me and SIL about it, I sat with her while she cried and told her she had done the right thing for her and that it was her decision. SIL asked me after if I really felt like that and I said I did because I know not everyone wants what I want.

Obviously DH still wants a relationship with her and I have to support him in this. I just need to see what happens next. I'm still not crazy about how she's acted but if she is genuinely sorry and shows it then it's something I can put behind me.

Though it's good that things have been aired - it seems she's only made an effort because she has been called out on her behaviour. The worst of it is that it has clearly cast a shadow over her grandsons first birthday for your MiL stressing over the fact that her own child however adult is upset and her children aren't speaking. Selfish.

I'm glad you have had a lovely day.

After all your SIL has said - she is jealous about not being the centre of attention, her nose is pushed out of joint.

Hopefully she will grow up now she's been called on it.

She could also have done all this last night and come to the bloody party.

Your dh sounds awesome.

Glad you had a nice day, and happy birthday to your DS

Tbh, I have a sister who behaves just like this (not always dog related). There is always a drama, and she is always in the middle of it. My mum tries to keep a balance between us all, but I just can't be bothered any more. I am friendly and polite, but just won't get emotionally involved in her dramas.

Your DH sounds like a star.

Glad you had a good day dilly!
I think you are both stars the way you've dealt with this, now do you you fancy buying a puppy

She sounds like a child who is throwing a tantrum because she isn't the centre of attention! But she is to her mum.

Thank goodness your DH is so good about it and is completely backing you up.

Been following the thread but not commenting - your SIL sounds like a very sad woman and MIL sounds like she's a bit afraid of her............but what I want to know is what are you going to do with those 2 spare party bags for the boys!!

I love your dh, Dilly. In fact I think your little boy is very lucky to have you both as his parents.

Glad the day went relatively unscathed and DS had too much cake

Your DH has handled the situation brilliantly. SIL sounds a similar brand of unhinged to my sister, everything is about what makes her centre of attention at all times. MIL sounds as ineffective as DM is regarding sister too.

Has your DH always been more independent and SIL more needy? This is the dynamic in my family - sister often claims I'm the more favoured etc but I'm not, I just don't need them as much and I enjoy and adult relationship with them. Sister always has them running about after her and doesn't enjoy the same type of relationship but that's because she still positions herself as their child. DM knows how much sister 'needs' her and is terrified to rock the boat with her over anything because that's still her little girl. She's far happier to rock the boat with me though because I don't create the drama, I'll just step away until the situation has calmed down.

The only way sister has stopped messing myself and my little family around is I've gone NC with her. TBH that's helped my DPs a lot because she isn't vying for attention over the DC constantly. When we visit that's our day and unless there's a complete emergency she's told to stay away. I refuse to let it ruin wider family events though, I turn up and will be civil and just keep my distance (she can't and ends up looking like a complete twat )

Glad you had a good day OP.

And that you DH was able to have an adult conversation with his sister about her behavior this week. Although reading between lines it sounds like your SIL may be changing her mind about having children now your DS is here.

I'm pleased the party was a success

Your MIL/SIL, WTF?

So, plesaed to read that your DH pulled his mum/sister up on their behaviour/attitude. If he hadn't, the drama llama who is SIL (and MIL who enables it) would carry on vying to be centre of attention on any special times for your son. At least this way, he has set the tone to your expectations in the future.

Dilly you and your DH do sound awesome. Sensible. Straight. Level-headed.

Oh well done MrDilly

I'm glad you had a good day and that everything has been aired now

The comment to your DH about you "not being interested in the dogs at first" is just... urgh! You'd just miscarried ffs.

I wouldn't want anything more to do with her after that, especially as she thinks you should "have done more to try to convince her she was welcome"... urgh again. So needy and self-centred its unreal!

Dilly we all have our crazy family members! You are not alone

Well done to Dilly's husband for sorting things out and for Dilly who has handled it much better than I would have

"MIL always favours her"
It really does sound to me that your SIL is used to being the centre of her mother's attention over her brother, and senses that your son might just 'depose' her in her mother's eyes. Everything she does is aimed at being the centre of attention, be it for good reasons or bad. She doesn't care what people say about her, just as long as they're talking about her! Even her apology is just to keep herself centre and forward. It's absolutely not about the dogs, except as a tool to allow her to demand centre-stage. Again.

Wow. Can't actually think of anything to say other than YANBU [speechless at SIL's behaviour]

So about next week, op. Will she be bringing the dogs, do you think?

I bet you £5 that SIL won't come to yours but will suggest an alternative. In fact I bet that your MIL suggests everyone go to hers and that SIL agree that would be such a nice idea - that way the dogs are automatically part of the invitation.

Thank you all so much for all the lovely replies and the support! I agree that DH is pretty amazing, he always has my back but will always let me know the odd occasion when I'm wrong about something!

DS has to spend most of next Tuesday in hospital as he is due to have a major operation in the next few months so we're planning on having a bit of a family day on Saturday and then going to my mum and dads on Easter Sunday. MIL called up before about what was spoken about yesterday, I assume SIL went straight to her with the details, and suggested we all go to hers on Monday. DH said that would be ok but with the tests at the hospital he would rather the dogs weren't there in case DS catches anything at all. He had a cold last month and we had to be put back in the waiting list. MIL agreed this was best and said she would pass it on to SIL.

SIL has text DH saying she wants to make a little birthday cake for DS for next week so she can join in singing happy birthday.

I like that everything seems to be going well but worried that this is a false sense of security!

understand why you're worried... she actually doesn't seem to have marked the birthday at all. Was there a present or card?

Hi op. Glad you had a lovely day. Hopefully the birthday cake will be about your ds and not about your SIL regaining her rightful position in her eyes (and her mind, everyone else's) and it all being for show. Ahhhh isn't it lovely she went to all this trouble crap.
My SIL has apologised for her rude behaviour on a number of occasions and now apparently she's seen the light (that my brothers golden child, I'm the scapegoats, my mothers a narcissist). It hasn't stopped her from sleighting my child again just recently.
With this lady and your mil, I suspect you will always need to be on your guard, I'm afraid.