To think it's my fault dp had affair?

[Kez93]

I have posted about this before and had sympathy but this was a while ago and I didn't really give all the details just from my side really and the last year I'm seeing it differently.

Me and my partner were together for 6 years and we used to argue A LOT and there where times when I attacked him. I have anger issues from my childhood. Honestly I know it was wrong. I head butted him and three things at him, I would punch him and he would have to restrain me. To be fair he did wind me up to the point he knew I would get really angry and upset but he didn't ever get violent.

So then I got pregnant and when our DS was 4 months old I found out he'd been having an emotional affair for over a month. He then left me and our DS for the woman.

I was devastated and hated him for a lo g time. He is a good dad to our son and now I'm starting to feel guilty that it was my fault in the first place. Aibu?

I think Boney's nailed it.

The OP hasn't come back because she doesn't like the replies I imagine.

Well, at least we're not getting headbutted because she's not getting her own way.

Good he left; you need help.

If this was the other way around then everyone would say supervised visits only as he's violent - his rights to see child not above child safety. Mum's job to protect the child from a violent parent.

He should have custody, and you should have supervised visits.

Haven't rtft but I think a few people are on the same wavelength.

A) the affair isn't relevant, he got out of an abusive relationship, this is the right thing for him to have done.

B) I wish he had taken the baby with him, so the baby was safe too and OP should be watched by social services and allowed supervised visits

C) If OP was a man we would be saying he should be put away, why is it any different for a woman? It's not.

D) OP clearly hasn't sought help and that's just appalling when she clearly knows she's a danger to others.

where's yes! Normally i would still feel bad for the op, but it's the fact that she was happy that her ex was hated by family and friends when they did nothing wrong.
Lots of postes have said 'well yes he was wrong for the affair etc' if this was a woman posting would anyone have said that??
I don't think he's done anything wrong. You abuse your partner you lose any rights.
I really fo hope that the op gets some help though, otherwise she's never going to be happy and that's not right.

Right now I'm most worried about OP's DS. What will happen when he "deliberately riles her up so she has no other choice but to attack him".
OP, you haven't accepted you are an abuser even though, typically for all abusers you like shifting responsibility on others. Your ex had a lucky escape. Unfortunately, your DS is stuck with an abuser.

I have left an abusuve relationship after getting a lot of emotional support from a close male friend, who is now my DH.

It definitely crossed the line of an emotional affair but I just can't bring myself to feel too bad about it now, though I felt awful at the time.

My ex was a physically abusive bastard and my life with DH and our children is absolute heaven, if I had the time over I'd do it all again.

We never had children though, I feel so sad for op's ex, I couldn't sleep if that twat had custody (or any form of contact) with my children.

Lots of postes have said 'well yes he was wrong for the affair etc' if this was a woman posting would anyone have said that??

See this is a difficult one. If he had an affair, it wasn't the best way to go. But I do totally understand how it happened. I can't blame him either. If a woman I posted I would say the same. It's not ideal, is going to make it messier but I can understand.

I also worry when DV victims have affairs, when the abuser finds out its going to end in tragedy. When people have posted similar, I am genuinely worried about them and their safety when it all comes out.

In this situation he got away safely although she then started emotionally abusing by turning people against him.

He got a really hard time from family and friends about it and at first I was pleased but now I feel guilty.

Have you told your family that you abused him? That may help you to feel less guilty. I hope he has told family/friends too, so that they know you are capable of violent behaviour.

There is also the question of 'if he had an EA'. OP could just be saying this to get sympathy - she has form.

The EA may not have happened.

If meeting someone else is what it took to encourage him to leave, then thank goodness he did meet her.

Hopefully she's lovely, doesn't abuse him and they're very happy together.

Of course it was your fault.

YANBU. He left because you are abusive, it's very simple. He doesn't deserve to be hit and certainly doesn't need to hang around until you decide to sort yourself out. What disgusting behaviour. You should be in prison. If he was writing on here I would be telling him to LTB. Your poor child, thankfully he has his father.

Something's telling me that we won't see OP on this thread again. Too much truth to cope with.

I'm not sure this thread's even real to be honest. The fact that the OP hasn't come back backs that up. I think it's someone just gauging whether a woman would get a totally different response to a man with a similar story, which to be fair she often does. Thankfully not in this case.

And who says 'our Sonny' instead of just DS?

This is the first time I have ever said someone WNU to cheat. If I were him I would have left and taken the child with me. If you can lose your temper and hit your partner, I could never trust you not to hit the child. There is no excuse for domestic violence, none at all. I don't care how bad a childhood someone had. If you were a man saying "in my defence she always winds me up till I hit her," there would be an uproar. There is no defence.