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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's my fault dp had affair?

142 replies

Kez93 · 13/03/2016 11:26

I have posted about this before and had sympathy but this was a while ago and I didn't really give all the details just from my side really and the last year I'm seeing it differently.

Me and my partner were together for 6 years and we used to argue A LOT and there where times when I attacked him. I have anger issues from my childhood. Honestly I know it was wrong. I head butted him and three things at him, I would punch him and he would have to restrain me. To be fair he did wind me up to the point he knew I would get really angry and upset but he didn't ever get violent.

So then I got pregnant and when our DS was 4 months old I found out he'd been having an emotional affair for over a month. He then left me and our DS for the woman.

I was devastated and hated him for a lo g time. He is a good dad to our son and now I'm starting to feel guilty that it was my fault in the first place. Aibu?

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 13/03/2016 14:00

So, when your family and friends were 'giving him a hard time' for leaving, did you tell them you were kicking the shit out of him?

Are you under the Dr or mh team? I worry about your son becoming your punching bag.

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2016 14:00

I agree Paul

Also ...... I have posted about this before and had sympathy but this was a while ago and I didn't really give all the details just from my side really and the last year I'm seeing it differently.

So the OP gave a one sided story to Mumsnet and lapped up the sympathy.

Words fail me really.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/03/2016 14:09

Affairs are often a positive thing - they help a person see that the relationship they are currently in is unsustainable and give them the strength and support to get out of it. If you have a partner who is physically or emotionally abusive, or you are remaining in a dead relationship with someone who bores you and sexually repels you, then it's difficult to find the motivation to leave, unless and until you meet someone who shows you that you are worthwhile, desirable, likeable, etc.

The only thing this man could be blamed for is leaving the child with a selfish, spiteful, abusive bully like the OP. OP, you need to sort yourself out, This man owes you nothing at all He may want to build a relationship with his child and he should be contributing financially, but he doesn't have to support you, forgive you or ever speak to you again. He was absolutely justified in dumping you.

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2016 14:14

Yes, I wish he had taken the baby with him.

QueenLaBeefah · 13/03/2016 14:17

The baby has a human right to live without violence and would be better off with his/her dad.

Pinkheart5915 · 13/03/2016 14:30

It sounds like your anger issues were a big factor in your relationship which you probably should of got help with years ago. but I'm no way saying that excuses cheating on his part, but it must be hard to live with somebody and anger issues.
I think that as you have children it is best you broke up and live apart, no child should be around a parents anger issues. Things like that will leave a lasting impression on children.

I am glad his a good dad and I hope his with somebody that doesn't abuse him because I'm afraid that is what you done.

I think you need to go and see the GP about counselling and anger management maybe. You need this help now and otherwise your children could become your punching bag in the future. You need help!

Lweji · 13/03/2016 14:30

Well I was planning to get help

Typical abuser lie/excuse.
Was planning.
But never did, or stop the behaviour.

As for those accusing of gender bias and victim blaming, there are always some in female threads too.

When first reading the OP I wondered if he was guilty of emotional abuse in provoking, but the rest of his actions don't tally up with this.
He chose to leave the physical abuse, and possible emotional abuse on your part.

Icompletelyunderstand · 13/03/2016 14:31

So the OP gave a one sided story to Mumsnet and lapped up the sympathy.

I've always suspected that quite a lot of that goes on actually. Meanwhile we are busy coming down hard on any men who say their wife is awful to them and we ask them to think hard about what they might have done to make her that way. Confused

NewLife4Me · 13/03/2016 14:54

I don't think it was your fault he had an affair, he could have left you as you were abusive. He chose to be a cheat instead.

However, you need to sort your anger issues because even though you won't admit this the next person you abuse will be your children.
I have seen it happen, it's not just men, but because there are more abusive men than women we don't hear about it so much.

I don't think you need a hard time on here, but your son deserves so much better than the person you are today. Get some help and stop making excuses.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 13/03/2016 15:11

I think you need to stop looking back, it isn't healthy.

You need to get help, for yourself and for your child. You need to find ways to cope with your anger without lashing out.

curren · 13/03/2016 15:14

I can't help wonder if it was an emotional affair. People who physically abuse often emotionally abuse. Even when the split happened.

The OP was happy people have him a hard time for leaving. I wonder if all the same people knew the abuse he was suffering from her.

That's quite typical behaviour from an abuser. When their victim leaves, they try and turn everyone they know against the victim. Abuse (especially when kids are involved and you can't cut all contact) often continues.

I also can't help wondering if the OP is sounding us out and is planning and giving this load of crap to him. Despite never actually going and getting help, if she admits that she was 'kind of in the wrong too' and 'it's kind of my fault' she hopes he will come back.

VertigoNun · 13/03/2016 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VertigoNun · 13/03/2016 15:19

Sorry wring thread, reported myself.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 13/03/2016 15:21

Affairs are never ok, but in the case of leaving an abusive relationship I can't find it in me to judge the victim if they have an exit affair. Sometimes it takes more than 'just' being abused to spur someone into leaving and if an affair is it then so be it. Once physical violence and toxicity is in the relationship there is nothing there to save anyway so it's pretty moot

Lweji · 13/03/2016 15:53

It doesn't even sound to me like an affair.
One month is basically realising they fell for someone else.

What your OH did was leave you for someone else. Good for him. Leaving you.

MrsUniverse · 13/03/2016 16:09

You're horribly abusive and trying to minimise what you did to the father of your child. You beat him and got upset when he left you. Yes it's your fault, anyone getting headbutted should leave the relationship. You broke up your family by being abusive. I hope to god your son never angers you.

Icompletelyunderstand · 13/03/2016 16:09

I think it's quite difficult to pin down what is an emotional affair actually. In this instance I think the DH is entitled to leave without blame because his wife was abusive. I don't think the wife is entitled to consider herself the hard done by victim who has been dumped by an unfaithful man, whether there was any sex or not.

curren · 13/03/2016 16:13

I don't think the wife is entitled to consider herself the hard done by victim who has been dumped by an unfaithful man, whether there was any sex or not

Yet she had no issue continuing the abuse by letting all their friends and family believe she was a victim, it seems. So her abuse hasn't stopped.

Netflixandchill · 13/03/2016 16:31

I don't Think he was unreasonable having an affair at all, you were vile and physically abusive to the guy so he hurt you back whilst trying to heal himself with someone who wasn't behaving like a wild animal (I assume, I could be wrong, he could be drawn to abusive women)

Don't try and fish for justification or wallow in self pity, learn from it, get help for yourself and your son and address your childhood issues. You will be much happier as a result of this.

nervousshockedexcited · 13/03/2016 16:36

He was right to leave you, even if it was for another person. For the sake of himself, your son and even yourself.

You should feel guilty that he had a hard time over it. I suspect for your posts that everyone was told he had an affair but not that you were abusive and so people sided with you. You know that if the truth had been told: to your family and his and friends and mumsnet, that you would have been seen as an abuser and he your victim, right?

If you are starting to feel guilty, what do you plan to do about it? Will you apologise to him? Will you tell the truth to others? What about your son?What truth will you tell him about why you divorced?

Trollicking · 13/03/2016 16:39

I wonder how many men suffer physical abuse. I've known two women who physically abused their DHs Sad

curren · 13/03/2016 18:30

I assume the OP isn't coming back?

I wonder how many times she went back to the thread where she lied and got lots of sympathy.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/03/2016 19:40

I get the feeling that the OP thought that him having an affair would mean that posters would ovelook the violence.

kali110 · 13/03/2016 19:59

boney it seems boney that some do think he is the bad guy just because he had an affair, even though he was being beaten Shock
Yet as i first said, i wonder what the responses would have been if op had been the victim and had left her partner for another?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/03/2016 20:02

I'd stake my savings on the actual events being OP's husband getting emotional support, upping and leaving, then potentially entering into a relationship with the woman who helped him find the courage to leave. Fair play to him.

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