To think it's my fault dp had affair?

[Kez93]

I have posted about this before and had sympathy but this was a while ago and I didn't really give all the details just from my side really and the last year I'm seeing it differently.

Me and my partner were together for 6 years and we used to argue A LOT and there where times when I attacked him. I have anger issues from my childhood. Honestly I know it was wrong. I head butted him and three things at him, I would punch him and he would have to restrain me. To be fair he did wind me up to the point he knew I would get really angry and upset but he didn't ever get violent.

So then I got pregnant and when our DS was 4 months old I found out he'd been having an emotional affair for over a month. He then left me and our DS for the woman.

I was devastated and hated him for a lo g time. He is a good dad to our son and now I'm starting to feel guilty that it was my fault in the first place. Aibu?

Yabu.
He found a way out of an abusive relationship, one of which i am certain he will bare the scars of for the rest of his life.

I find it quite obtuse that you want to portion some of the blame on him for your despicable behaviour.

You should probably thank your lucky stars he went to an other woman rather than the police..which by rights he should of done.

What happens with your temper when your child gets older and able to answer back or doesn't comform to what you want them to be.

You need to put right what went wrong in your childhood, seek anger management and counselling.

As otherwise one day we will be sat here reading about a woman your DS has beaten up because of his disfunctional childhood.

end the cycle now

Vertigonun, please explain to me how the abuse victim is always to blame for what they suffer if they prioritize their own survival rather then enabling the behaviour further.

Because obviously my years at a domestic violence support group has been teaching me wrong stuff.

I feel he should have given me the chance to get help and tried to save our relationship for the sake of our DS. He says he didn't want out Sonny to grow up in that kind of environment but it's no excuse to leave for someone else.

But why didn't you seek help the first time you hit him, or when you were pregnant?

I think he clearly had to leave. The fact that someone else was involved was incidental.

you're lucky you're not in prison.
get some help before you find yourself in court facing a sentence in the future.

Vertigo, the fact that, for a month, he didn't tell OP about the OW doesn't make his relationship with her dysfunctional. Quite apart from the fact that we don't have his side of the story, it is likely that in the first month he didn't know whether the relationship was going anywhere and didn't want to tell OP until he did know, which in all the circumstances is logical. Sure, he should have gone whether OW was around or not, but in that sort of situation it often takes another person being involved and giving the abused person support before they feel able to leave.

Vertigo nun he wasn't shagging anyone other than OP. He left OP for other woman due to being abused. At no time was he having an affair.

**

Yeah, calling a DV victim abusive for having the courage to seek support and leave the violent relationship isn't twisty and gaslighty at all

Gaslighting? Do you even know the meaning of that phrase?

Reading the original post made me feel really sick. A colleague of my parents put up with years of physical abuse at the hands of his wife but felt he couldn't leave as he didn't want to leave his child at the mercy of her (back then, the tradition was that mother kept the children, regardless, - no divorce in my country at that time) He had to put up with it until his child was old enough to request in court that child could live with dad permanently. That poor man confided in my parents and they provided whatever support they could, while respecting his decision to stay with wife for sake of the child. It's a terrible position for a man to be in- people often don't take domestic abuse by wife seriously- and they certainly didn't back then. Your poor husband - you can't blame him for confiding in somebody else- he obviously was too ashamed to confide in his family, as they seem unaware of the role your terrible behaviour played in your marriage break-up. As others have said, you really do need help as I would be very afraid of what you might do to your son if you get angry. Children frequently "push the wrong buttons" while they're growing up, but you, as an adult, need to be able to respond appropriately to such behaviour, and from your account of your treatment of your husband, that's certainly beyond the bounds of possibility for you at the moment.

VertigoNun
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So the the victim and anyone who supports the victim is gaslighting the OP?

This is where I depart company with lots on here, as I don't believe an emotionally supportive 'affair' is wrong. Actually, talking in depth with another person is an effective way of finding out that your own relationship is utterly abusive, and that someone else does not act like this. It is far from clear what this 'emotional affair' consisted of, it if were long chats about how shit the marriage was, that's actually ok by me as I think it is extremely important that people confide in others. If these chat inspire them to then fall in love/leave the abusive relationship for this other one, I also think morally that's just fine too.

I mean to say I don't think an 'emotional affair' in this abusive situation is always wrong.

Calling the ex abusive is giving the OP an excuse for her shitty behaviour. People like Vertigo sicken me.

Well I was planning to get help and when I first found out about the affair I feel he should have given me the chance to get help and tried to save our relationship for the sake of our DS

You think he should stay with a violent abuser for the sake of his DS???

He shouldn't have had an affair, that was wrong of him.

But he should have taken his son and left. At least until you finished 'planning' to get yourself some help.

It was the result of your behaviour that this relationship ended.

That's all you need to know, really.

Now do what needs to be done to not do this to anyone else.

IMO guilt is pointless unless you do something about it.

OP, he left due to your horrendous abuse of him.

He was right to leave you. Absolutely. It WAS your fault, no question about that. I am surprised he didn't take your DS with him.

Poor man. I hope he is happier now, and that you are getting social services help with your issues, before you become a danger to your DS.

I personally have no issue with what her husband did. The op seems to slightly incapable of fully realising the extent of what she did and the outcome. So I and taking 'emotional affair' with a pinch of salt and wondering whether it was emotional support that finally gave him the courage to leave his abuser. Perhaps calling it n emotional affair lets the op feel slightly like a victim, allowing her to downplay her abusive behaviour.

I don't consider that an violently abused person who develops an emotional attachment to another person that results in them being honest with their partner and leaving the relationship after only one month of having feelings for someone else has done anything wrong in the slightest. Even if you weren't abusive, I still don't think he's done anything wrong in the way he has handled things.

People say that if you are unhappy enough to contemplate cheating then you should always leave the relationship first before you embark on an affair elsewhere and that is exactly what he has done.

I don't think having a purely emotional attachment to someone for only a month can be considered cheating at all. People can't help their feelings, they can only help choosing to act on them. He did everything right as far as I'm concerned.

Except he should have taken his son with him. No-one could condone leaving a child alone and unsupervised to be brought up by a parent who head butts and punches out of anger and frustration. Think yourself lucky you aren't fighting a custody battle, because you'd probably lose.

getting support in the bedroom is not the type of support recommended as it's swapping one dysfunctionality for another.

The OP says emotional affair...

Was it really an emotional affair or just your take on it OP?

I cant believe this abused man has been accused of being abusive because he reached out for support and got it.

I'm glad he got the support and courage to leave a shitty abusive relationship and I hope that other abused men and women find the same so they can get out too.

You could have got help the first time it happened, but you didnt. I suspect its because you didnt think he would leave you. Well he did, so get help before the cycle continues on a new relationship or even with your son.

Honestly, any relationship that leads to physical abuse is never a good sign and I don't think it's unreasonable to think that way - he wanted better energy around himself and that's okay.

Either way I hope it's been a learning experience for you and helped make you a better person in the long run.

He got a really hard time from family and friends about it and at first I was pleased

Also, this honestly just shows what a nasty piece of work you are. He left because you abused him and you were gleeful that people gave him a hard time? I really hope he set them straight and people know exactly what you are like.

To those saying that he should have finished his relationship with OP before embarking on another one, that is easy to say in an ideal world.

We don't really know what happened or the full details anyway, but perhaps he was afraid that ending the relationship would spark OP's violence again, of which he had seen more than enough???

I find it hard to say that he did anything wrong at all on the basis of what OP has said.

I feel he should have given me the chance to get help and tried to save our relationship for the sake of our DS.

Well you can feel all you like but the minute you started head butting and punching him it ceased to be all about what you think you deserved.

He should have encouraged you to get help after your outbursts (certainly after the second one)

Yes, maybe he should, it doesn't mean he was obliged to stick around and wait for her to get cured though, does it? I'm sure he did encourage her plenty, for all the good it did him.

He should have encouraged you to get help after your outbursts
So it's up to the victim to help their abuser be less abusive?

I was planning to get help and when I first found out about the affair
After 6 years of abusing him, you were "planning" on getting help. That's big of you. I take it you've had that help now?

He was right to leave. The affair is of no relevance in this case.
Do you still have custody of your son? For his sake, I really do hope you seek the help you most definitely still need, because you need to understand the harm that you caused.