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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's my fault dp had affair?

142 replies

Kez93 · 13/03/2016 11:26

I have posted about this before and had sympathy but this was a while ago and I didn't really give all the details just from my side really and the last year I'm seeing it differently.

Me and my partner were together for 6 years and we used to argue A LOT and there where times when I attacked him. I have anger issues from my childhood. Honestly I know it was wrong. I head butted him and three things at him, I would punch him and he would have to restrain me. To be fair he did wind me up to the point he knew I would get really angry and upset but he didn't ever get violent.

So then I got pregnant and when our DS was 4 months old I found out he'd been having an emotional affair for over a month. He then left me and our DS for the woman.

I was devastated and hated him for a lo g time. He is a good dad to our son and now I'm starting to feel guilty that it was my fault in the first place. Aibu?

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 13/03/2016 11:44

After the first time you laid your hands (head/projectile objects) at him, why should he not have looked elsewhere for emotional companionship? I think you lost the 'right' to 'emotional monogamy' the moment you first abused him.

If it were your ds in an abusive relationship, would you admonish him for looking outside that relationship for love, affection etc?

TheSinkingFeeling · 13/03/2016 11:44

I don't blame him in the slightest.

PovertyPain · 13/03/2016 11:48

I'm so glad he has found someone to be happy with. It sounds overdue.

You start of saying it's your fault, but it's obvious you don't really believe that. Well I was planning to get help and when I first found out about the affair I feel he should have given me the chance to get help and tried to save our relationship for the sake of our DS. He says he didn't want out Sonny to grow up in that kind of environment but it's no excuse to leave for someone else.

He didn't drive you to abuse him, you did that by yourself. Stop victum blaming and stop expecting people to feel sorry for you because you're a poor, misunderstood woman. You're an abuser who is using your back ground as an excuse and if you were a man writing this you would not have received one comment of support here. Get some anger management classes, before your child starts winding you up, so that you can justify abusing him.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 13/03/2016 11:48

getting support in the bedroom is not the type of support recommended as it's swapping one dysfunctionality for another.

The OP says emotional affair...

ctjoy103 · 13/03/2016 11:48

He is right about not wanting his son to grow up in that environment. Are you getting help for your actions? You can't put another person through that again.

He didn't owe you the chance to change, he did the right thing by leaving his abuser.

Even though he chose to cheat,you contributed to his unhappiness so he had some push in that direction.

QueenLaBeefah · 13/03/2016 11:51

It is an extremely messy way to end a relationship with an affair but he was absolutely right to leave you.

Hopefully you will have a lot of therapy before even considering another relationship. If not for you but to create a healthy template of behaviour for your child.

Griphook · 13/03/2016 11:51

In this case, what's the difference between an emotional affair and someone seeking support from another person.
He did right to leave you, but he should have taken your ds with him, rather than leave him with a mum that head butts other people.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 13/03/2016 11:51

Emotional affair or emotional support?

Agree completely with this.

Op, you need to explore your own issues properly, I am most shocked at the statement where you said he wound you up until you would lose it. Are you suggesting the violence was somehow his fault?

IthinkIamsinking · 13/03/2016 11:54

He says he didn't want out Sonny to grow up in that kind of environment but it's no excuse to leave for someone else.

It really is Hmm
I do not condone cheating and he should have left before starting another r'ship but you sound utterly dreadful and I sincerely hope you get help for your behaviour.

magoria · 13/03/2016 11:56

He is right your DS should not be brought up in an abusive relationship like this.

He pushed your buttons is an excuse many abusers use to justify beating their partners.

He did not owe it to you to stick around while you had counselling. In fact every time I hear about an abusive relationship I say they should leave and let the abusers work on their problems alone and prove they have changed over a long period of time not just a few weeks/months.

Get your help now for yourself and your DS.

He shouldn't have had an emotional affair and left you for another however many abused people do not have the strength to leave without some catalyst.

witsender · 13/03/2016 11:57

I don't blame him...I would have done the same.

Branleuse · 13/03/2016 11:59

I think being physically abusive to the extent you were is much worse than having an affair. I dont blame him

Champagneformyrealfriends · 13/03/2016 12:00

I'm afraid what you did to him was worse than his emotional affair. Nobody deserves to be a victim of dv no matter how angry they made you.

curren · 13/03/2016 12:06

He then left me and our DS for the woman.

Can I also point out that he didn't leave you son. He left you. You said he is a good dad. He didn't leave his son.

Abed · 13/03/2016 12:06

I'd have done the same in his shoes, you still blame him in your OP.

peggyundercrackers · 13/03/2016 12:08

Emotional affair? Surely he was getting emotional support because he was being abused or don't men get emotional support?

He left because of a direct result of what was happening to him.

kali110 · 13/03/2016 12:08

I'm sorry but yabu. I don't blame him in the slightest for leaving you for someonelse.
Why should he have waited for you to get help? You abused him!
If you were a man nobody on here would have said that yanbu.
You do not have the moral high ground.
I feel sorry for him that his friends and family are making him feel guilty. Do they know what you did to him? He was right to leave. You were both miserable.
Get some help so that you can feel better about yourself and you can co parent with your ex. In time you will see it was for the best.

Valentine2 · 13/03/2016 12:09

I am sorry about you childhood but how is it possible to suck up what you were doing to him? It domestic abuse. Physical and emotional.he should nt have cheated but the relationship is generally over once one partner hits the other. To me it does end right there right then. I hope you could seek active help because you do seem to regret and acknowledge. Moreover, after what he went through, I hope you don't try and get him back via your DS in one way or the other from the woman he left you for. You need to accept that and move on and you will meet the right guy one day.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 13/03/2016 12:11

What input are you getting from the mental health teams now? You were physically abusive towards someone you were supposed to love - therefore your child is at risk from your anger.

You seem to have some understanding of your issues (you say they're caused from your childhood) but not of the consequences they bring - you're still blaming him for your abuse.

Howardshouse · 13/03/2016 12:11

You physically abused him. Getting emotional support from someone and leaving the abusive situation was the right thing to do.
I hope you're getting help for your anger. You need to accept that he isn't at fault. There is never an excuse for violence.

OohMavis · 13/03/2016 12:12

Your actions forced him to seek a way out, just like the thousands of women every day who face the same decision.

TheCrumpettyTree · 13/03/2016 12:13

He was in a relationship and suffered domestic violence. Of course he should have left. It doesn't change things because you're a woman. He wound you up? So it's his fault? Take some responsibility here. The affair is a separate issue.

Katenka · 13/03/2016 12:14

I have posted about this before and had sympathy but this was a while ago and I didn't really give all the details just from my side really and the last year I'm seeing it differently

Are you saying you started a thread about this, took sympathy from posters (probably including some posters whose lives have been fucked up by affairs) and didn't mention the violence on your part?

So just posted about what he did?

HoppingForward · 13/03/2016 12:19

I'm sorry about your past but it really is no excuse. It took me 4 years to leave someone like you, it's really hard to build yourself up when someone is constantly smashing you back down physically, mentally and emotionally.

I really hope you get yourself some help to prepare for parenting in the future as well as now. You can self refer to social services and tell them you need help with anger management, or speak to your health visitor/gp.

CamboricumMinor · 13/03/2016 12:19

He made the decision to have the affair, therefore that is his responsibility. You are responsible for your physical abuse of him - what action he took was his choice.
I hope that you are getting some help.

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