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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's my fault dp had affair?

142 replies

Kez93 · 13/03/2016 11:26

I have posted about this before and had sympathy but this was a while ago and I didn't really give all the details just from my side really and the last year I'm seeing it differently.

Me and my partner were together for 6 years and we used to argue A LOT and there where times when I attacked him. I have anger issues from my childhood. Honestly I know it was wrong. I head butted him and three things at him, I would punch him and he would have to restrain me. To be fair he did wind me up to the point he knew I would get really angry and upset but he didn't ever get violent.

So then I got pregnant and when our DS was 4 months old I found out he'd been having an emotional affair for over a month. He then left me and our DS for the woman.

I was devastated and hated him for a lo g time. He is a good dad to our son and now I'm starting to feel guilty that it was my fault in the first place. Aibu?

OP posts:

JenEric · 13/03/2016 12:20

You can place a lot of blame if you want to play that game.
He shouldn't have had an affair.
You shouldn't have physically abused him.
He should have encouraged you to get help after your outbursts (certainly after the second one)
You should have got help as soon as you realised there was a issue.

The blame game is totally useless though. It solves nothing. Going forward You really need to get proper counselling or else you are still providing an environment for your son that could make him think violence is ok. You also need to sort out your anger issues before you enter into another relationship.

You can get past this but you need profess help. Please seek some.

Zaurak · 13/03/2016 12:20

The affair is his fault.
The head butting is your fault.

Your partner was right to leave. Not right to have an affair, but right to leave a violent situation

coconutpie · 13/03/2016 12:21

So let me get this straight ... You subjected your DP to physical abuse by head butting him, throwing things at him, punching him and he'd have to actually restrain you in order for you to stop? But you say "to be fair he did wind me up"? And you wonder why he left you? Get a fucking grip. He was in an abusive relationship with you, is it any wonder that he had an affair and then left to get the fuck away from the woman who was assaulting him. You don't even sound sorry or take responsibility for your actions because you lay the blame at his feet by saying he was winding you up!

You need to get help for YOUR issues and sort them out. It is not up to your DP to stick around waiting for you to get help and in the meantime live in fear wondering when the next punch is gonna come.

And then you say you posted on here before and got sympathy - so you most likely left out the part where you were physically abusive?

Queenie73 · 13/03/2016 12:23

You have been very lucky OP. You are lucky that you have not been arrested and that your child has not been taken away from you. It is a good thing (although long,long overdue) that you are starting to understand what you did. Build on that by finding help for your anger issues and taking responsibility for your actions.
You can't make it all be lovely and as it was before you abused your ex, but you can take steps to make sure it never happens again in future relationships, build a decent relationship with your ex where he doesn't need to fear for your child's safety and make sure that your son never has to see or hear you beating the crap out of someone who has annoyed you.

Boomingmarvellous · 13/03/2016 12:24

I've no doubt your behaviour drove him away. To say he would wind you up to the point of violence is cop out many abusive people (men and women) say when they commit violent acts .

You have taken responsibility for it but feeling guilty is a wasted emotion. just learn to behave better next time is the best advice.

And it was wrong of him to start any kind of relationship with someone else while you were still together.

SleepyBoBo · 13/03/2016 12:24

Cheating is wrong, however what you did is domestic abuse. He did the absolute right thing in leaving, he obviously couldn't help you and stay around to be a punch-bag. Please get help for your temper, incase you snap in such an awful way with your child in future.

Chinks123 · 13/03/2016 12:27

I'm sure you realise that he was suffering an abusive relationship, you say he should have given you a chance, but I'm guessing you were violent multiple times and he'd given you enough chances. In leaving he has done the right thing for himself, your son, and actually you aswell. Messaging another woman wasn't ideal but he probably found a shoulder to lean on, and she was a way out of what was a violent relationship however hard that is to hear.

He was right to leave, and as PP have said if it was a woman people would have told her to LTB. I really hope you get help for the future.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/03/2016 12:28

JenEric
"He should have encouraged you to get help after your outbursts (certainly after the second one)"

This couldn't be more wrong, this excuses her actions by putting the responsibility on him.

BillSykesDog · 13/03/2016 12:30

He should have left, that's the behaviour of a healthy mind. I guess he has some other dysfunctional relationship with the ow. He is right it's no good for any of you especially the child.

Lies and secrets with op and lies and secrets with the ow.

VertigoNun, your posts sicken me. I believe that's known as victim blaming. Only on MN would a victim of this sort of violence be an unfit father and partner and be the guilty one for creating 'dysfunctional' relationships.

OP, you had 6 years to get help and you didn't. You're only regretting not getting help because he left you, if he'd stayed I doubt you would have followed it up.

Maybe he needed the support of this woman to convince him he was worthy of being loved after years of abuse from you.

Stop wallowing in self-pity, you may have had a shitty childhood but you are the abuser now. Sort yourself out for the sake of your child. And don't get into another relationship until you can be sure you can control yourself like a decent functioning human being.

VertigoNun · 13/03/2016 12:32

You can be a dv victim and still be abusive. A cheat in my book is abusive.

peggyundercrackers · 13/03/2016 12:33

He didn't have an affair... He was getting emotional support from someone.

Or are we going to say anyone who gets emotional support is having an affair?

To say he had an emotional support is victim blaming.

peggyundercrackers · 13/03/2016 12:33

Sorry meant to say to say he had an emotional affair is victim blaming.

Strokethefurrywall · 13/03/2016 12:35

Is it your fault? Fuck yes it is. I don't even think anyone can judge him for having any kind of affair frankly.

I don't blame him in the slightest and if I had been him I would have taken your child too.

Victim blaming bullshit right here.

VertigoNun · 13/03/2016 12:36

He went off with another woman. In what bizarre world is that not an affair?

curren · 13/03/2016 12:36

He should have encouraged you to get help after your outbursts (certainly after the second one

Are you fucking serious?

MaudGonneMad · 13/03/2016 12:37

I wouldn't blame anyone who is being headbutted and punched by their partner for seeking comfort/support elsewhere.

Labelling the victim of domestic violence an abuser is disgraceful VertigoNun.

theycallmemellojello · 13/03/2016 12:37

Agree that it was your fault. Don't make excuses, get help, don't do this again, to anyone.

VertigoNun · 13/03/2016 12:38

Abed · 13/03/2016 12:38

Gotta love the gender bias, if the genders were reversed there'd be no victim blaming.

RayofFuckingSunshine · 13/03/2016 12:39

Are you seriously saying that he should have hung around for you to get help? REALLY?

You are an abuser. Let's not dress it up. He wholeheartedly did exactly the right thing in leaving you and it wasn't a minute before time. And I have to agree with the previous posters, I doubt he was having an emotional affair, poor man probably needed all the support he could get.

Go and get help. Concentrate on dealing with your own shit, for your sons sake and your own. Stop looking for excuses for your behaviour, stop expecting other people to put up with your shit. Take some damn responsibility.

Chinks123 · 13/03/2016 12:39

He went off with another woman, but really the OP had six years to try and resolve her anger (that's if she was abusive from the start) I know if it was me and I'd put up with it for all that time, I'd want someone to talk to, he probably felt lonely and that emotional support turned into an affair. He doesn't sound like a bad guy IMO

Strokethefurrywall · 13/03/2016 12:39

Doesn't fucking matter if it was an affair VertigoNun - you'd say the same to a woman being abused by a man? That she was as bad as him for seeking comfort and solace somewhere else?

Because your head must be a fucked up place if that's the case.

Chinks123 · 13/03/2016 12:40

And again, if it was a woman nobody would be saying this

Viviennemary · 13/03/2016 12:43

He should have left right away when the violence started. You should be facing criminal proceedings.

SilverBirchWithout · 13/03/2016 12:43

It sounds like your marriage was all but over before the emotional affair.

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