To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

[Picturesofmatchstickmen]

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

I'd love to know how many of you who say you don't have time to have other people's children round because you work full time and you dislike them being there at weekends have had your children looked after as a favour for the day by their friends' mums on inset days, school holidays, polling days when school is closed etc?

Not me. I don't reciprocate play dates and I sort out and pay for my own childcare thanks very much.

Ahem

Sweeping generalisation Mrs D

Pot, kettle, black.

This whole thread is full of generalisations against those of us who don't reciprocate.

Rude, lazy, scroungers, ignorant, lacking in societal niceties, etc.

MrsD is bang on.

I'd always reciprocate if I could, and explain if it wasn't possible.

I'm happy to have dc friends over - we are lucky we have the space and I'm not stressed out by entertaining. Dc are only 2 and 4 so we only have a few at the moment. I think it's a nice thing to do, definitely not essential but can help build friendships. Friendships are important to me as an adult and they were as a child so I would encourage them.

It sounds as though you have your kids friends round quite a lot and take them out reguarly but to be honest most parents don't do this, at least not as frequently as you seem to be doing so I think to expect the same back is rather unreasonable. My dd who is a similar age has tons of friends both at home and school and she plays out often but we don't have her friends round for tea or take them out places to often, usually once a month and I think that's enough.

contradictions galore on this thread. if the kids are playing and not there to see the adults as has been pointed out, why does it matter if its your house more than the other childs?

i rarely reciprocate because i work 50 hours a week and any spare time i have is spent onan OU course im doing, any spare spare time i have i want to spend with my own children. its never even occured to me that this is a problem, mind you im not one of those people who compares stuff like this. i dont give presents to receive them either, or keep track of favours i do for people

"The inviters on this thread are utterly determined to believe that they are providing some sort of amazing service and they are being taken advantage of by lesser parents"

I'm not.

I think it's really rude to not reciprocate. And if you work so can't mon - fri, then you should on the weekend.

But I thought weekends were that hallowed "family time".

Anyway, in the real world, if you work all week you'll need to do shopping/cooking/cleaning/other jobs at the weekend. If you want someone to reciprocate, don't host.

Surely it's not at these extremes- no playdates or children over ever, or endless childcare for others each week? I don't recognize either of these scenarios from my own experience.

Most people I know do reciprocate, but over the longer term and in ways that suit them. My dd has been playing with a child for about two years who got asked over one Sunday recently for the first time- last minute, found themselves at a loose end, so texted. Another family I know has a huge party once a year at their house for all families and children and that's it- mum and dad work long hours and opportunities for playdates extremely limited.

I agree that playdates aren't all about free childcare, it is often a hassle to take children over to someone else's house and pick them up again, but I do also agree it's really valuable for them to see how other houses and families work! Not essential, if you can't manage it, but interesting and enlightening, and they often come back viewing their own situation slightly differently.

I work f/t so regular playdates are out of the question, but I do have children over from time to time, probably once a month though (not weekly) and then something in holidays if anyone is around and not gone away. We also live on an estate, so the best thing about that is that my dd's friends come knocking, so they just go out and play whenever- so nothing arranged by parents. Similarly, now my eldest is old enough for arranging going into town herself and texts her friends endlessly, there's less dependence on parents to arrange.

I don't judge or moan about parents who don't reciprocate (except one mum who was taking the piss) and I don't think I'm doing the parents a favour necessarily. But I'd be less likely to keep inviting their kids once I'd realised my dc was never going to be invited back. My exceptions would be if my dc really loved having a particular kid round and they were easy to have.

And by reciprocate I mean at some point - I go months without inviting back sometimes and only keep a vague eye on the tally to ensure my kid's not getting loads of hospitality that I'm not returning. Most of the families at our school operate in the same way tbh.

Mine are now at the age where their friends pop over, they entertain themselves, never expect feeding and are able to take themselves off home. This is fine and no big deal, they are always welcome. I hated arranged play dates when they were younger though and am ashamed to say I was bad at reciprocating. I work with children all day and after a full day of other people's children it was the last thing I wanted, despite loving my job. The mess, the tears, the fall outs, having to try and find something they will eat. I hoped people invited friends to play because they wanted to play not because they expect it in return.
Ds2 best friend in primary was an only child. He came here occasionally but mostly they spent time together at his house. His mum said she was grateful he had the company and never expected anything in return as I already 'had a house full' she said.

What I think is, What if your child didn't like playing with the other child? I think freedom simply must come into it. I read once, that parties should be about who your child wants to invite, its a more genuine way to live. I think the same applies to having kids over to play, I used to ask my kids who do you want round this week? I didn't always reciprocate, but also asked new friends, and old friends, randomly as the kids fancied, they in return got a random pattern of invites, sometimes someone who hadn't maybe done as much over the years, would do something big like a trip to a theme park, in the summer holidays. There is a bigger picture.

Also remember that your children benefit from the effort you put in, its lovely to have your friends round.

If DD had been invited to someone else's to play I can't imagine not reciprocating. Of course you do if you can abd if you can't you do something else like going to the park together. If you're a working mum you sacrifice a little of the occasional weekend
It's just common sense and manners.

Hi all, sorry did not come back, I have been out this afternoon with DC and friends (apt!) There's been a big focus in the replies on having kids over to play in our homes specifically, and that wasnt really the only point I was making. I sometimes don't really want kids in my home if I've just tidied up, or if DD1 (19) is home, she has MH issues and hates the chaos of it. But I will take DC and friends to park, or to feed ducks, or for a walk on the commons. to me and my DC that is me having their kids over to play, it doesnt have to be at home.

I read every reply, some situations sound really tough and I'm sorry if I came across as generalising that everyone should always reciprocate. I was talking about the families I know, and I feel I know them well enough to be pretty sure there are no kids I don't know about with SEN or other completely understandable reasons. But like posters have pointed out, you never really know.

Reading the replies it also struck me that people's lives are complicated, and I would be horrified if any of the parents I know felt I was inviting their kids with conditions attached, I'm pretty confident they won't as I've never expressed this in RL exept to DH. I put it on here as it was anonymous to see what other people think, and it seems opinion is very divided. I never expected other parents to have my DC often, certainly not within a few weeks. But very occasionally would be nice, not for me but for my DC, especially DD2 as she just loves to be invited somewhere. But I won't expect it, it will be a bonus when it happens.

i also have never thought of it as providing childcare for any of these parents - they don't ask, I offer.

My dd has autism, I have had hundreds of children over for her but rarely any return dates. It breaks my heart that she doesn't get invited back. I understand if they don't like her but why keep accepting the invites time and time again?

^This with bells on^^

peace exactly my experiences with my dd. When she moved to SS, I kept in contact with a few of her old mainstream friends, invited them, they came with Their parents, but never invited back. Yes it did break my heart, in particular if you have a child with SN your more sensitive. In the end I stopped, as she wasent bothered, and we were not asked back. Just once we were by one, and dd thoroughly enjoyed herself, and behaved beautifully.

With ds 4 who has SN (slight dev delay, ASD traits, speech and language delay), I have invited lots, but rarely an invite back. He is very social,and loves playing with his friends, and woukd like to also go to his friends house once in a while. I will keep doing the invites, but not as often as and when I feel like it, as it is hard work, as ds friends come with parents and their siblings.

Yes it would be nice if sometimes people thought about why some parents keep doing the invites.