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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

403 replies

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 11/03/2016 19:20

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2016 14:41

Lilac I am not that much of a heartless cow. But the parents in question used to post pictures on Facebook of other children at their house having playdates, and not dd/ds, but were happy to come to ours but not invite. Sorry but that does grate.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2016 14:43

This was when dd went to mainstream school, and was trying to forge friendships, but she now goes to a special ASD school, and those have died off anyway, she is not really interested in making friends and is happy by herself making art and craft and going to Brownies and Dance classes with her carer, as I don't drive.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2016 14:44

Yes with ds, I will still do the playdates as he really likes them, but won't do them as often,every now and again.

Kr1stina · 12/03/2016 14:51

Aeroflotgirl - yes they are taking the piss, I know it's not their home circumstances , I know them well . But it's not their little boys fault , he is lovely and he's my child's friend . It's been going on for years and will no doubt do so until the end of primary. All the other mums know that they are just part of the akward squad. We just do this Hmm

I have to say that I'm very fortunate that all my children have excellent taste in friends and we've never had any " little horrors " so far

Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2016 14:54

That's good kr1tina, I guess you have to suck it up.

Icompletelyunderstand · 12/03/2016 14:56

I'd love to know how many of you who say you don't have time to have other people's children round because you work full time and you dislike them being there at weekends have had your children looked after as a favour for the day by their friends' mums on inset days, school holidays, polling days when school is closed etc?

zoemaguire · 12/03/2016 14:57

Oh ffs read what I wrote. No I don't expect chapter and verse about your living situation, it's nothing to do with me. But if I've had your child to play 15 times, I might at some point in the numerous chats we'd have had by that point to say 'sorry I can't reciprocate, life's a bit tough/mad/busy right now.' Like, you know, a normal social interaction?! And I am NOT saying mrsDvs family is odd, talk about purposefully taking things the wrong way. I've said, many times, that social interactions tends to be two way street. When it isn't, for my part, I tend to think I need to acknowledge that in some way. I did no play dates during various points in the last eight years - building work, new baby, one child in intensive care, that kind of thing. Shit happens, everyone knows that. But so should basic social niceties.

zoemaguire · 12/03/2016 14:58

That was to lilac btw

LilacSpunkMonkey · 12/03/2016 15:02

Nope, sorry, anyone who will only allow over children whose parents reciprocate is being mean to the children involved. That'a the only way to paint it.

If you only invite kids over on the basis that your kids get invited over next then you're doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Shakey15000 · 12/03/2016 15:05

I reciprocate but, to be perfectly honest, it's through gritted teeth. I am a home bird and see our home as our family space. Same for adults. I'm just not keen on visitors. Except for Christmas when bizarrely, ours is an open house and come one, come all, which I enjoy Confused

I know it's not obligatory to reciprocate but I do think it's rude not to, on the whole.

RufusTheReindeer · 12/03/2016 15:05

Agree with lilac and mrsD

DustyBustle · 12/03/2016 15:06

I couldn't agree more with mrsDevere. Play dates can be a pita. I don't get the point of them, what does the child get out of playing round someone's house that they can't during breaktimes at school?

And play dates during the weekend, wtf is that all about (other than providing amusement for your child to take the pressure off?)

And I don't appreciate at all when the parent lets the child ask me 'when can I come round to yours for tea?' - so rude. It makes me want them round even less if that were possible.

zoemaguire · 12/03/2016 15:11

'what does the child get out of playing round someone's house that they can't during breaktimes at school?'

Spending three hours making a den and filling it with cuddly toys. Making an animated feature film using playmobil. Laughing themselves silly zooming down the stairs in a sleeping bag. Watching a film. Do you not remember what school playgrounds are like?!

DustyBustle · 12/03/2016 15:17

My kids can and do do that without having a mate from school round. I'm not saying they never have friends round, birthdays and school holidays they can always have a get together, but I just don't get the after school tea date, or weekend thing. I happen to like my kids' company, and they mine.

Katedotness1963 · 12/03/2016 15:17

We are the "play date" house about 90% of the time. The boys are teenagers now and we still have to arrange get togethers because we live in one village their friends are spread out over other villages. Most of the time I don't mind, but sometimes I get fed up of nearly every weekend having extra kids around, if they're not staying here my husband is doing the "dads taxi" thing and running them to the music shop, the mall, swimming, bowling (all in different areas)! Teenage boys can put a shocking amount of food away at a sitting, then add in drinks, snacks, extra electricity because they're spread out over three room playing games, guitar, messing about...it starts to hurt the pocket. We are the worst off family out of the four. So, yes, sometimes I feel that it's someone else's turn to host, feed, entertain, chauffeur, put up with the noise, have their weekend not turn out as they had hoped.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2016 15:18

I agree zoe, I will just cut down initiating them. Why should my house be always filled with mess and chaos. It's hard work, especially with a couple of 4 year olds. The clean up can be very hard work, it's no picnic.

GreatFuckability · 12/03/2016 15:21

I bloody hate having people over, I don't have the time, money or inclination for it.

If you want to invite my child, then ill let them go, but I'm not going to invite them back. Its that simple.

GinandJag · 12/03/2016 15:21

I don't think you should expect a return invitation.

It is very generous of you to have children over, but they may not feel comfortable doing the same - perhaps they feel their house is inadequate, for example (their feelings, not yours).

It takes away from your hospitality to expect the same from them.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2016 15:24

Plus I have dd who has ASD, and her needs, so makes it even harder.

angus6 · 12/03/2016 15:35

I'm in complete agreement with Mrs D.

I'm an older mum and grew up in a age where play dates and sleep overs were not the done thing.

I've found the whole thing a complete pita with my two kids who are thankfully now old enough to organise their own social lives.

Ceeceecee · 12/03/2016 15:36

The only kid I've ever decided not to have round because of this issue had been round three times and been quite moany and rude, and the mum had switched the playdate twice because she needed childcare on a particular day and then asked me to have her even later so she cd do a shop on her way. The mum is a SP and works FT. I liked her but just felt she assumed I'd fit in with her needs and didn't even think I might have some of my own. She was full of how busy she was and it pissed me off because I also work FT hours but from home so it's flexible.

I didn't need her to do much but she could have offered to take dd to the park at the weekend (as she did for a couple of other kids), offered to take her to their swimming class (same class; I don't drive) or even invited her to her dd's party rather than inviting every other girl in the class bar dd and her bf for two years running. She just didn't want to.

One of dd1's friends, on the other hand, was round here often after school as her mum worked late. She never did play dates but sometimes hosted sleepovers or took kids to the cinema at weekends etc. There are loads of ways to reciprocate if you care to do so. You can take a few kids up the park at once quite easily, for example.

I'd never not have a nice kid because of the parent, and I'd totally understand if someone had a tricky situation. But I don't think just working full time counts.

TheKitchenWitch · 12/03/2016 15:59

But isn't the point that the children really enjoy it and that's why you do it? I mean, enjoy both having someone round to play and going to someone else's house? So it's not about reciprocating as such but more about the fact that the kids themselves want it?
I would assume that anyone who doesn't have ds1 round after their dc has been to ours numerous times must have a good excuse fit nit having children over to play.
If, however, I found out that they were having other kids over, just not my ds, I would be rather Hmm.

zoemaguire · 12/03/2016 15:59

Erm, dusty, then we're just quibbling about terminology! Call them play dates, call them having kids round to play - surely that's the same thing?! If not, God knows what we are all arguing about!!! A play date to me= having a child round to play, no more no less.

Ceeceecee · 12/03/2016 16:08

I do it because my kids like it, it helps with friendships in class, I get to know their friends, and because others reciprocate. That means I get days when I can work longer because dd is playing at a friend's, and I have people to call on if I'm stuck - and it's also a lot cheaper to do reciprocal play dates than go on an outing.

megletthesecond · 12/03/2016 16:11

I've just thought of other reasons I don't have other kids round. If (or when) they see dd have a tantrum and she starts spitting at or hitting me or breaking something then that will feed back to her other school friends. It's hard enough as it is, I don't want her friends going off her or the other parents hearing about it.

My dc's are also allowed more freedom to play out, without me watching. I know not every parent is ok with this.