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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

403 replies

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 11/03/2016 19:20

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

OP posts:
spankhurst · 12/03/2016 20:30

I tend to agree, OP. It just seems like good manners, and fair.

zoemaguire · 12/03/2016 20:33

I certainly don't think I'm providing a service - or indeed that other parents are obliged to reciprocate. Everyone's circumstances are different. I was merely stating what I'd have thought was the fairly conventional social norm that when unable to reciprocate in kind, it's polite to acknowledge that. If only to establish that the lack of a return invite isnt because my child is actually not really their preferred playmate! Which sometimes is the reason tbh - ive invited several kids round who i know for a fact host many playdates, but not with my child :(

As for the play date thing in itself, mrsdevere, I'm struggling to see exactly why it makes you want to throw up. In practice, how do you suggest my kids see their friends out of school without us organising it? We don't live very near to anyone from school, and we are in the middle of a city so can't send them to play out. When I was small we did play out, so things didn't need to be as organised. I genuinely don't get what is objectionable about my DD saying 'I want Amy to come and play' so I text her mum and say 'does Amy want to come round tmrw, if so i'll collect from school and drop her off at 6.' I'm baffled as to how that could make somebody want to throw up.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2016 20:38

I agree zoe after a while it feels personal, especially when you know that they host play dates, just not for your child.

MrsDeVere · 12/03/2016 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CockwombleJeff · 12/03/2016 22:05

I completely agree with Aeroflot.

A lot of people are just generally thoughtless.

The people who don't reciprocate in my world work less, have less health issues and are happy to take the free time it gives them when their DC turn up at our house to play.

Iv noticed a lot of mothers who are accepting of their DC "using" my DC for company in the holidays when their first choice of friend isn't around.

I'm not a charity - if you're not happy to be mutually supportive and take turns then please don't let your DC turn up at my door day after day .

KERALA1 · 12/03/2016 22:59

In my day it was "going for tea". Same concept - little pal to play after school. How can that offend anyone. Some of my key childhood memories actually. Seems a shame really if parents can't find the time to host the odd one or two visits from their child's friends doesn't need to be regular.

UbiquityTree · 12/03/2016 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peaceandloveeveryone · 12/03/2016 23:04

As for not reciprocating invitations for children with additional needs, I'm afraid I'm guilty of that too. One child is a friend of all my children and has significant additional needs, medical, social and educational. I definitely don't feel confident inviting him without his mother, because I can't give him anything close to the one-to-one he needs.

There we go everyone ^

Icompletelyunderstand · 12/03/2016 23:15

Its funny how we managed to make friends without playdates in the past isn't it?

I didn't have a lonely, friendless childhood and I don't remember a single arranged playdate

I think it was a bit different then. We all played out on the street a lot more. Or kids just knocked on the door and came in. It wasn't really necessary to arrange to play in advance because the majority of our school friends lived very locally in most cases and we had much more freedom to just go out to the park or whatever.

But we still occasionally asked our mum if so-and-so could come home for tea after school, or over for the afternoon in the holidays which would be agreed in advance with their mum. That's all a 'playdate' is - just because we seem to have adopted that annoying American phrase to describe it, it's still the same thing it ever was, not some new fangled concept like you make it sound. I really think if there is disengenuous bafflement coming from anyone, it's you MrsD

Pico2 · 12/03/2016 23:20

If you don't feel confident hosting a reciprocal play date for a child with additional needs because you can't be sure to meet their needs then don't you just invite a parent along too?

If you don't generally reciprocate (ubiqity tree - I think this is you) then that's fine. If you reciprocate, but not for children with additional needs, then that really isn't ok.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2016 23:23

I am happy to accompany my dd, when kids come round to play, the parents usually come for tea/coffee anyway. I know people have reasons not to, but I guess I am sensitive as dd has ASD and learning difficulties, and ds Mild SN.

gandalf456 · 12/03/2016 23:29

There are some children who are always here and ours never at theirs. Eg one has a brother with asd and I accept it's easier for him to come here and ds gets a play mate and leaves me alone.

There are others who do most of the inviting - usually because I am put on the spot In front of dd. They're either not available on the days I can host ((eg day off work) or a bloody nightmare to have round and I wish the mums would stop inviting as it's very hard to say no when dd is ultra keen.

Also there was one who kept inviting dd and took her on lavish days out when dh was unemployed and hinted she expected the same. It turned dd into a diva and her friend was always bored here and made her feelings known. I think the mum preferred to have dd there as her dd hated coming here.

My niece also had dd over more because she had separation anx iets.

UbiquityTree · 12/03/2016 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zoemaguire · 13/03/2016 00:00

It's not disingenuous bafflement, it is genuine. You said you hated the idea of playdates because it is all about parents somehow directing their kids social lives - on what evidence i have no idea. A play date is just having somebody over to play. If we are just quibbling over effing terminology there is no point to this thread at all - having kids over to play is OK but playdates aren't, is that it?? You're usually a pretty reasonable person to argue with mrsdv but jeez, I'm really not the one being disingenuous today.

UbiquityTree · 13/03/2016 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zoemaguire · 13/03/2016 02:04

I give up. I don't manage them!!! I invite who my kids ask me to invite. Including some little nightmares, who I'd prefer not to have round again, but will if asked. It isn't for me, it's for my kids. If that is impossible to understand, the failure of imagination is not mine. My kids can't knock for others, we live several busy roads away from their nearest friends and they are 5 and 7.

MooseyMouse · 13/03/2016 07:56

I've not RTFT but I think it's very rude to accept invitations and not reciprocate. The regular host is left with kids saying "but why can't I go the their house?"

But I'm too busy to host -we are busy too
You're not doing us a favour by hosting our kids, in fact it's a hassle - so don't accept the offer
I'm to nervous to host - everyone feels nervous initiating social things
You're not babysitting my kids - well I am actually. I'm meeting all their needs while I've got them.
My house is too small - too small for one six year old to visit for a couple of hours?
I have two/three kids - I have three
I have a job - we both work full time

If you aren't willing to EVER host you shouldn't EVER accept an invitation. Or at the absolute least you should explain that you can't reciprocate when you accept.

The sheer volume of families who fail to ever invite my kids to play is a fucking disgrace. Why should it always be my kids hosting and sharing?

If you won't reciprocate, don't accept the invitation.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/03/2016 07:57

^^This^^^

maydancer · 13/03/2016 08:09

How ridiculous! People invite because their DC wants to play with your DC not because they are expecting return childcare
moosey you are ignoring one reason - their kids didn't like playing with you're and don't want them round. If, as you say ,there is happening with sich a large number of families then I think you need to consider this

KERALA1 · 13/03/2016 08:14

Also slightly Hmm at the resentment towards the hosts for daring to invite your dc to play. We don't do it because we adore their company it's often a right pain but something that needs to be done occasionally as important to Dc.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/03/2016 08:24

I agree KERALA, I do it for my children, but it can be a PITA, as the house is a mess, your expected to entertain parent as well as child, I have dd with ASD who needs my attention too. Ds 4 as I have mentioned as slight ASD traits and a bit of a dev delay (under paed), I was told by his teacher that playdates that I am doing are really helping him to make friends and be confident and helping him socially, but how can he learn about social situations, it its not reciprocated, and he hasent the experience of going to others houses.

Its a two way street. If you do not give some sort of a brief reason, how am I to understand, your home situation is not ideal, or you are working etc. If you don't like or your dc don't like my child, do not accept, we don't need pity.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/03/2016 08:25

As I say, I don't provide a service, the parents of the child, have always been present, and had tea/coffee, cakes etc with me whilst the children played.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/03/2016 08:30

All I am saying is, its nice to be invited back once in a while.

stumblymonkey · 13/03/2016 09:00

YANBU....however please don't take it out on the other children and stop inviting them for play dates.

I had an incredibly miserable stepfather who would never allow me to have friends over as it encroached on 'his' time. He saw the house as 'his' space and very much felt that children should be seen and not heard. I wasn't even allowed to have friends come and knock at the door because it 'inconvenienced' him.

Then there will be other situations where a parent is abusive, I had a friend with parents who were 'hoarders' at home and she was too embarrassed to want anyone over, etc.

So YANBU but don't stop inviting your DCs friends over as you never know what is going on behind closed doors and sometimes playing over at friends houses is a little lifeline...

stumblymonkey · 13/03/2016 09:17

I find it quite interesting that people say 'Well, they have a decent sized house and are quite well off so there's no reason they couldn't reciprocate'.

Knowing the size of someone's house means nothing...consider:

  • One parent may be emotionally or physically abusive
  • There could be alcohol issues
  • They could have elder care issues, the parents may be caring for their parents which takes up a lot of time
  • They may have mental health issues
  • They may have other invisible disabilities like MS, cancer. CFS, etc

You do not know what is going on in other people's lives. If you don't have these issues its best to feel lucky that you don't and try not to judge other people without knowing the whole story.

The size of someone's house means nothing about their ability to reciprocate.

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