To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

[Picturesofmatchstickmen]

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

LOL, so sorry MrsD I did indeed read that as 'stereotypically MC' instead of stereotypically MN' A Freudian slip I think.

However:

It is not polite to insist on a reciprocal arrangement that has not been agreed by both parties.

No, it isn't, and no-one's insisting, merely hoping. But is is polite to offer, unless you have good reason not to.

It is not courteous to expect an explanation as to why someone hasn't engaged in your unspoken contract.

No, it isn't and no-one is demanding an an explanation, merely hoping for one. But it is polite to offer an explanation of sorts.

And this 'unspoken contract' is at the root of how our society works. It's how we make friends, forge bonds, attract a mate. It's full of little coded steps and signals. If you aren't at all interested then you don't allow yourself to get overly involved in the game, do you?

You could liken it to me inviting you out for a drink, we go to the pub, I go up and buy a round, then I wait for you to buy one, you don't, so I think it's a bit odd but never mind, so I go up and buy another round for both of us, then you eventually go to the bar and come back with a drink for yourself but not me, or a drink for yourself and some other woman you know at the next table.

That's a horrible thing to say Flogging.

Basically, anyone who can't reciprocate is a 'scrounger'?

Aren't you a joy?

"Of course I wouldn't, MrsD. But I'd never put myself in the position of being the scrounger one who never gave anything back."

Wow. Now that's really nasty.

Her saying 'I'm so sorry I can't reciprocate, life is a bit mad right now' is just nice, you know. It acknowledges the situation. I'll keep having her DD over as often as she likes, esp as she's a total sweetie - like her mum in fact. There is no need to be defensive when people aren't actually judging - they just want acknowledgement that social relations (in adulthood too) do tend to be reciprocal.

It's the acknowledgement rather than the reason itself.

This thread has mostly made me very sad.

I have issues interacting with other people, and would find it incredibly difficult hosting a play date. If I did though it would be strings not attached. Until this thread I had no idea that play dates were a transaction, that must be reciprocated.

Now I feel I should never let DD play at someone else's house, bevasue I won't be reciprocating. I'm also wondering if I should not let her go to the birthday party she has been invited too, as I won't be reciprocating that either.

Completely agree with Mrs D.

I'm not fucking happy to accept - I wish I had the balls to say "NO, life is shit right now, my MH is suffering and I don't want to navigate the social minefield that comes with being a parent if I'm honest" and not get judged for it or never speaking to anyone again at the school gate.

But that would be far ruder and more detrimental than: "thanks and when?"

Especially when asked right in front of my excited DS and equally excited DS friend

I equally wish I could say no without offering any explanation. But I don't possess that skill. It might not be hard for some of you. It's damn hard for me.

Please don't let this thread put anyone off accepting playdates even if they can't reciprocate. At the end of the day, it's the kids that are important, not the parents.
If you can acknowledge it, so much the better. if not then don't worry.

I can't understand why it's hard to accept. Obviously I understand that it can be hard to invite. Ignore the mean spirited arses on here. Real life isn't like that.

Yes I think its extremely rude. If you don't like us enough to invite us to yours, don't accept our invite. I have had this, and it makes me sad so I have stopped doing it, and have noticed that if I don't make the move, they don't contact.

There is only so much you do it for the sake of your child, it starts to grate after a while, and can't be arsed anymore.

Rtft Aeroflot girl and you might see why some people can't reciprocate.

Rather than judging everyone try empathy.

Playdates are manufactured by parents who want to control who their kids play with

We don't . We do play dates because we live in a rural area and there are no other children of my kids age within a mile .

And because my child has SN and can't do any of the extra curricular activities that his siblings do . So they are all off doing stuff and he's sitting home alone.

And I don't control who he plays with . He has about half of the boys in his class around to play, always one at a time as he doesn't enjoy groups . It's just his school friends .

Some reciprocate more than others, it just depends on their family circumstances . One mum NEVER has the kids to her house but will take them to the park in the better weather, which is great.

Another family never reciprocates in any way and expect you to do all the lifts as well . They will cancel at the last minute or expect you to change days at the drop of a hat. But It's just what they are like, it doesn't mean we don't have the child round as he's part of the group .

Lilac yes I understand people have reasons, but it does tend to get one sided and I have stopped doing them now. Yes I can understand a couple of times, but when the same child has been round 4/5 times and never been round other child's house you wonder why. This happened with about 3 children I know, so I don't bother anymore.

So your children can't have their friends round because of the way their parents behave? What do you tell them? Do you show them the tally chart?

The last family *kr1stina are taking the piss, how long will you tolerate that.

Well I'd you want to make up your own definition of playdate mrsdv that's your lookout. Manufactured means artificial. I guess youre suggesting it's used by parents to socially engineer friendships with 'naice' kids? School friendships dont work like that after age about 4. I've never picked who comes to play at our house. I wish I could, some of them have been little horrors. But speaking of making a mountain out of a molehill - we are just talking abour inviting your kids' friends to play ffs, it's so bizarre to suggest it's some kind of weird modern manufactured fad. And why be so bloody miserable about the idea of your kids having fun with their friends houses, without stopping after 20 mins because playtime's finished or because annoying Mark from yr 5 keeps butting into your game? If you never reciprocate, fine, I just reserve the right to think you're a bit odd if you don't even acknowledge that you aren't ever reciprocating. Incidentally I tend to drop kids back home myself if I know their parents have younger kids or will find it hard to get out. But then I tend to chat to them, so know a bit about their lives. Nobody has yet given off 'fuck off nosy git I'm not justifying myself to you' vibes

bertrand , it works both ways. Ds is only 4, so the parent accompanies them. I have them once in a while, not often, they can play with them at school.

We've been homeless for 15 months now. If anyone decided any of my children were no longer welcome to come and play with theirs because I've not reciprocated enough over that period then those adults would be massive arseholes.

Luckily, my kids seem to be friends with other kids who have empathetic parents, rather than parents who do everything based on what they get back from it.

Zoe, are you saying I need to tell every parent of a child who invites my child round to play about my homeless situation? How do you think my 11 year old and 14 year old feel about their living situation? Do you think they want the world knowing?

Again, try some empathy. And as you know precisely fuck all about MrsD's family leave off referring to her as 'odd'. How rude.