To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

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Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

I'd love to know how many of you who say you don't have time to have other people's children round because you work full time and you dislike them being there at weekends have had your children looked after as a favour for the day by their friends' mums on inset days, school holidays, polling days when school is closed etc

My ds is in year 8 now. I think a friend had him one half day when I had to work in the holidays but there was some degree of reciprocity as I would give her son the odd lift to after-school or weekend activities eg football. So that is once in 8.5 school-years. I always paid for childcare.

It is also difficult to reciprocate when your child has fallen out with or no longer plays with another child when their friendships can be fickle. It can also be tricky balancing act when DCs get a bit huffy with each other over who's going to play at who's house. It's a social minefield.

I'm currently in play date debt to one of DDs classmates who she was 'BFFs' with for a period of two weeks before Christmas. They have since gone their separate ways. I've made several attempts at wanting to reciprocate the play date but DD is adamant she does not want to. I'm also reluctant to invite anyone else round at the moment as I feel bad for not having this child back. I'm in play date limbo and hating the guilt and I'm starting to think the whole thing is just not worth the grief.

So what do I do - force DD to invite someone for the afternoon that she does not want to play with? I am also aware that the child's mum gives me a look ever time she sees me in the playground which makes the guilt even worse.

Flaming we are in a tiny flat. At primary school I used to take them out somewhere whether the cinema, soft play etc.

We are in the same situation as you now though and no one from dc secondary have been here. We have taken them out or away but that's it.

I do think YABU , yes it would be polite to reciprocate but as so many others have said - unless you know the families circumstances you cannot take offence.
I obviously am a SAHM , one would assume that play dates were easy for us but even I struggle. If DD and her friends just sat upstairs quietly and amused them selves it would be great but they want to bake, paint or watch movies & with a toddler that's very difficult to balance. We tend to not do after school but instead take someone with us on a day trip/ have them over for an occasion like Halloween. This isn't for reciprocation but instead so my DD doesn't feel left out because of her bbrother.

YABU.

It's a play date, nota reciprocal childcare arrangement.

shebird don't over think it. I am have an issue with non reciprocation when I've had another child 5/6/7 times and there has been no attempts to reciprocate. It doesn't need to be a perfect balance one for one.

If the childs mum is making eye contact in playground go up and casually chat to her and give a non committal I need to have your dd back soon but the girls dont seem to be getting along just now, they are so fickle at that age. Keep communication light and open.

YABU.

Do you do everything with hopes of something in return? I can't stand the idea of having ~generic~ other people's kids in my house. My patience is lacking and I don't have the tolerance to be pussy footing around some bratty little shit.

I unapologetically do not want to do it (and therefore will not do it) 9 times out of 10.

My two are invited on many playdates but can't attend because they are with ex-DH two nights a week.

But yes we've got a few who come over regularly but mine never go there and generally it's busier households with less space who are worried about mess/additional children to look after. Some area also worried about being judged (I know, they shush their children when they talk about their houses).

But I don't think playdates ARE reciprocal actually. Just because I invite one kid over for tea because it suits my kid doesn't mean it suits yours either.

Thanks WeAll Perhaps I am overthinking it but difficult not too especially when reading threads like this.

There is also an issue where if DD is friends with one person at present and then if another girl is invited to play reciprocating a previous play date - then it causes an argument. As that's happened in the past DD has been put off the whole thing which also explains her reluctance when I want to reciprocate.

This discussion has left me really upset. I understand reciprocating is polite but we are not all in the same situations. I am sad for my dd that we never have people over but although I don't broadcast it, I am really not well (ongoing illness and ongoing tests etc...) my house is a tip and I run a business. I am sooo busy, stressed and tired. All my none working time is spent doing homework with my dd or taking her to her clubs / activities etc... The weekends are daddy daycare as I'm working and he is not comfortable with other people's 5 year old girls on his own. There are loads of reasons why people do not reciprocate and unless you ask them you will not find out. I will do everything I can with meeting friends out somewhere but not have them back to our house. I would be horrified to think that my daughter's friends mothers were keeping score. My advice is to actually ask because it most likely is not rudeness but more than likely their circumstances.

Don't be upset claire In real life no one is keeping score
This is all just MN crap
" hospitality being abused " I mean purrrlease

Yes there are all kind of reasons why someone cannot have children over in return.

Ill health, medical conditions, domestic violence in the home, living conditions etc.

"My patience is lacking and I don't have the tolerance to be pussy footing around some bratty little shit"

Gosh. Well, I wouldn't worry- I wouldn't want my child in your house either. I'd have yours though, to give them a break...........

Parents could work shifts: we could never have friends round to my house when I was growing up because dad was always asleep. Not everyone's living conditions (house size / condition / cleanliness / grumpy partner/ lots of other children / baby or disabled sibling that needs more attention) make it conducive to visitors. Those parents, and those who don't have a lot of money or time to spend on their children are the ones who are most grateful when someone else offers.

"Don't be upset claire In real life no one is keeping score
This is all just MN crap
" hospitality being abused " I mean purrrlease"

Absolutely. I never say this, but on this occasion, "those that matter don't care and those that care, don't matter"

I have 2 children. Both have ASDs and one also has ADHD.

I very rarely ask people to come to the house. I struggle to keep on top of it for a variety of reasons (depression being one of them, a probable undiagnosed ASD another) and I am often ashamed of it.

I also find it very difficult to deal with other people's children as mine take so much of my energy.

DS finds it very hard if his routine is disturbed.

Both have been invited to the homes of other children (just one for each child) and both of those mothers understand my issues. When my children are older I will be the queen of the open house but for now, when a playdate would require my mental emergy to deal with it isn't happening!

For those who nastily quoted my "I don't like my hospitality being abused" it was in response to a specific post about people who have other children round but never invite yours back, inexplicably excluding them.

I have said repeatedly on this thread that it's perfectly fine to not reciprocate if you can't manage it but don't take the piss by accepting when you've no intention of having the child back but you'll have umpteen others.

Maybe some people should read things properly before being so condescending and unpleasant

I don't think the OP is unreasonable to think that in 4 years the parent/guardian of one of her daughters close friends could have instigated some form of catch up. At the house, at the park, anywhere.

I don't love playdates, we have two free evenings per week and I only allow 'playdates' on one of them. Many of my DD's friends aren't available that day, so we will try to perhaps do one 'friends' thing per month or two months at the weekends to catch up with those friends. I try to suggest to my DD that she ask a different friend on the Fridays we do have playdates and yes I think reciprocation is importatnt. My daughter gets upset when she thinks someone she likes enough to ask to play won't do the same for her. Then I will try to perhaps instigate something to do at the weekend e.g. softplay, bowling, bikes at the park- always suggesting that dads & siblings can come along as well because weekends are precious family time.

Should also say that in those 4 years surely the parent could have popped something into a conversation if it is difficult to have people to the house - e.g. a child with extra needs, sick grandparents, lack of space. 4 years is a long time to reveal nothing.

The thing about being worried about a house being smaller / less decorated etc is one that always drives me demented although I do understand. I was brought up by a lone parent, in a small council flat, but now live in a very large, very well maintained house and am in the fortunate position of being a SAHM. I've brought my DD up to know that the size of a house doesn't matter but that the amount of love and laughter in it does. I'll teach my son the same. I don't give a damn if you are in a bedsit or a country manor. If you are a decent person then the state of your home is irrelevant. My daughter thinks her friends that have to share a room with bunk beds is the best thing in the world whereas the mum worried that this would be seen as something to be looked down on for. People who look down on you don't deserve friendship anyway. My daughter could have missed out on a very good friendship if the mum hadn't agreed to a playdate despite worrying about the fact my place was so much bigger than her. Bigger, yes. Better, no. Just different.

I was just looking at some of the comments on FB about people who worry about this needing to get a life etc.
I was trying to explain that after about the 15th time of having someone else's child in a row, it upsets your child, particularly one with social difficulties, they think it's their fault.

I know in my case it was that dd2 was struggling socially, I didn't press gang anyone in to accepting invitations. There are lots of requests to see it from the invitees point of view but not many about the inviters.

Yes Captaincrunch it's when they invite others back but not your child.

I find this really difficult. I'm disabled and don't drive. I have younger children as well. I do have friends over but cannot always reciprocate. When I was younger my mum would never allow me to have friends over as I had a mad Dad and money, space was tight.

I hate this assumption on here that people have disposable cash, cars and large houses and all the time in the world to do play dates. Perhaps there is other stuff going on in a family. I would never force the issue with another parent, nor would I punish my child by refusing play dates until the other family reciprocated.

Growing up, my family were below the poverty line, house not centrally heated or comfortably furnished and decorated and my parents would not allow my friends to our home. As I entered the teenage years I was embarrassed and actively tried to discourage any suggestions from friends about visiting my house. Yet, from an early age, many of my friends / their parents would regularly invite me to their homes. My time away from home, doing activities in 'normal' houses with 'normal' families were a lifeline.

As many previous posters have said, there are so many reasons why play dates might not be reciprocated. It's a shame that some children might miss out on time with their friends because their families are unable to reciprocate.

Now, with a toddler of my own, I make every effort to have other mums and toddlers over to my place. I guess I see it as my way of somehow giving back following the kindness I was shown in my early years.... kind of a universal karma!

My daughter is almost 3 so haven't got to this point yet. I would be happy for her to go and play if she was invited as it seems mean to not allow it but I am not sure whether I would feel comfortable reciprocating. I just don't feel comfortable with children so the thought of me having to take care of someone else's child fills me with dread! What if something happened? I just don't think I could reciprocate but could hardly say no she isn't allowed to come to yours because I am not going to reciprocate. I wouldn't expect her to be taken out anywhere or spent money on though, my play dates when I was little we just stayed at home. So I would be happy if she didn't get invited as I would feel bad for not reciprocating! To be honest we normally do loads at the weekend so it would be rare to fit play dates in anyway.

Oh for the days when kids all played out and were never in anyone's house. They sorted out their own plays and if the rain came on then they all went back to their own houses. It's too scheduled and controlled these days. I tell my kids to sort out their own plays and to always ask me or the other parents if it's ok. Fortunately most of the parents around here are on a similar wave length.