To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

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Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

I never minded if my dc didn't always get a reciprocal invite. What used to bug me was parents who were quite happy to let me feed and entertain theirs on numerous occasions who never invited mine back but would have others round constantly. That's just taking the piss.

In your opinion Zoe. As I said, I've done my share of play dates in the past. Never expected anything back. Pub system is one thing, usually when you're young, skint and counting the pennies. Play date is another. After all people are generally inviting your child round to keep theirs company. It's not free childcare, and it's not a favour, it's a pita having to do school pick up for other kids, out again a few hours later to collect the lucky recipient of the play date, then all the homework bath stuff that still needs doing, but 2 hours later! The contract is in your head and that is it

People who are saying that people should say if they won't reciprocate when they accept an invite, it doesn't allow for x factors. I went to collect my child once, and they had a huge dog cage on the front of their house, one of the dogs shoved its nose up my crotch, and one up my arse at the same time, this is no egsagaration, I did not want to repeat that experience, if you invite back, they might invite again, where on earth would it end. Also where do childrens feelings come into it, if they come home and didn't like it, would you really say well x is coming next week, so enjoy child!

I remember having a child round for a play date and the mum immediately arranging for the following week. I knew she was doing it as she felt she had to reciprocate, but really, a month away, a year, never, any would have been fine. But the hassle and the pressure of the following week, where does it end? Every week for evermore?

Honestly? You'd let your child go to someone's house 15 times and never reciprocate, and it would never occur to you that that was a bit of an imbalance, that you either redress or apologise for not being able to do so?! Wow, that is not a world i recognise. I also don't buy the 'it's just a pain, it's not childcare' argument. If your child didn't enjoy it, they wouldn't want to do it, so it is about your child as much as the host child. Yes it's a pita, but then so is it for the host parent.

No I wouldn't, if there was some aspect that wasn't right, my child would only go once, and there would be no return invite. With all future invites, politely turned down.

15 times. Now that is a lot of playdates. No I wouldn't let them go because I would not want to be faffed doing two lots of pickups. No chance. 15 playdates? Some people have too much time on their hands.

Well the host parent invites for the sake of their own child, not for mine. And of course its not free childcare, for all the effort involved for the sake of an hour? Really???

But your child enjoys it , no? So it benefits both parties. As for the 15 play dates, it's a hypothetical. At what point does the lack of reciprocation become an issue, is the question. Because for most people, it does eventually. And by yr 6, you could easily accumulate 15 play dates with one child. It's only just over 2 a year! Besides which, no need to be rude. Some people have their kids friends round all the time. Its called being sociable, not having too much time on their hands. I don't, because I find it stressful and I'm too introverted, but I'd love to be the kind of person that could.

It may be called sociable, it may be too much time on peoples hands. Everyones circumstances are different. Yes child enjoys it, but overall, for the amount of effort involved, they also enjoy meeting friends in the playground. Which is just as good.

How are parents who don't reciprocate meant to know whether they are being invited over by someone who is just happy to have their child over or by someone who thinks they should decline because they can't invite back?

I don't think anybody should decline on that basis. I think they should acknowledge that they can't reciprocate, just like if you were completely broke you might agree to go to the pub, but let your mates know that you couldn't afford to do rounds. In which case everybody would of course likely buy your drinks for you, gladly. If you don't say anything, there is a danger people will draw the wrong conclusions.

I have willingly had kids knowing there is never a chance of reciprocation but it is never the elephant in the room, it has at least been acknowledged and I have been thanked for doing it.

No I wouldn't, if there was some aspect that wasn't right, my child would only go once, and there would be no return invite. - that's fine. I don't think people are arguing that. It is the multiple play days and never being returned thing, that is bothering people.

Same as buying a drink in a pub. I buy someone a drink because I want to, not for what I can get back - That's true for quite a few drinks but there will be a point where you say "sod this for a game of soldiers. I'm being taken advantage of here.

Dancingdinosaur I think 'too much time on your hands' is a mean-spirited, nasty expression. Who is anybody to judge how others spend their time? Especially as we sit here arguing away on bloody mumsnet!! Hardly doing mind-,improving maths is it. And if you think you can play the same in the playground as at someone's house, I can only think you didn't spend much time playing at others houses growing up. It's no comparison to playground play. Mine spent three hours this morning making a bug house with friends.

Yanbu.

I had a friend (note previous tense) who has 5 children. Two were girls, one in dd 2s year and the other a couple of years older. Dd and the older girl were good friends and came over here a lot, quite often staying Friday to Sunday. We often had the other girl over for tea so she didn't feel left out and the middle boy used to come over as he was working on a project with dp.

I asked their mum to pick my dd up once (she only had to get four of hers, the oldest is a teen) as I had no car and school is 3 miles from my house and I am disabled. I was happy for her to drop dd home or if easier take her to hers and dp would collect at 5pm on his way home. She refused with a pathetic excuse about possibly having to go to the dentist (which WAS an excuse).

I had to hobble all the way to school in agony and in blistering heat. Luckily another parent took pity and drove us home.

Some people take the piss. I took her son into school for two years and waited with her kids every afternoon for two years. She couldn't help me once in an emergency.

Who is anybody to judge how others spend their time?

Its an observation not a judgement. Personally, I'd love too much time on my hands. Hope your children had a super time building their bug house. And your right, as a 70's child, we didn't do playdates particularly. Not in this bizarre modern parenting way. But I don't look back and think, oh my goodness, I wish my mother had organised my social life for me more when I wad a child! Theres no simmering resentment here. I managed to entertain myself just fine and have lots of friends without my mother managing my social life for me.

See I just don't get this. As I've said and repeated ad nauseam, there is nothing modern about it except the word. It is organised in that some kids don't live places where they can play out, so at others houses is the only option. I'm a 70s child too. My parents didn't organise my social life any more than I do for mine. There is literally no difference except relative freedom to roam.

Look. Let's stop saying "playdate".All it means is having a friend to play. That's always happened!

Theres a massive difference Zoe. I lived in an area where there were no other school aged children near by. And it was unheard of for parents to be constantly ferrying children about. But we're not going to agree and theres no point carrying on in circles. You carry on with your playdates, I'll carry on not reciprocating. Job done.

If you never played with kids outside school dinosaur then that's a real shame. But it's hardly an ideal to aspire to. And what Bertrand said. There is no sense in which having a friend round to play is a newfangled concept.

I agree playdates is a horrible expression and no way did they exist in the 70s. We hung around each others after school but were very rarely in the house unless you were bursting for the toilet and the parental involvement was zero.

Nonsense. I was born in 1974 and every family of every social type in our village primary partook in play dates - in those days called "going for tea".

No. It's not "nonsense". I was born in 1965 so a true 70s child and I can count on one hand the times I went to anyone's for tea. We played outside not inside and went home to our own houses for tea as people rarely had the time or money to feed an extra.

Same here Captain. I was born in the late 60's so my primary years were firmly in the 70's. I can count on one hand the 'going to someones for tea' and the parties. We entertained ourselves when school was closed and most families where I lived could not afford to feed an extra mouth very often.

Thanks Dinosaur.

my first child was born in 1976 and we had children to play at our house, we had children for tea, my DCs went to other kids houses - it wasn't called playdates but it did happen.