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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

403 replies

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 11/03/2016 19:20

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

OP posts:
Pico2 · 14/03/2016 20:56

I've got DD to write a list in preference order of who she wants round and we are slowly making our way through it at about I play date a week.

MummaB123 · 14/03/2016 22:02

I don't have my DDs friends here very often.
Mainly because a) they seem to trash the place, and it makes it awkward with mums who are my friends, when I think they should be telling them not to!
And b) we are very busy during the week and at the weekend my DH likes to spend time with us as a family, not with other kids. It doesn't bother me, but I am gone all week, so I get it would be a PITA.
We have some lovely friends who we invite round often, but some are just too much!

Tamesa · 14/03/2016 22:30

I have never cared if play dates are reciprocated, but generally my girls go to play as often as they have friends here.
Will always arrange for holidays only though....always seems to be other stuff to go during term time.
Very ambivalent about children do operate a one strike policy, ie if a child doesn't behave well (rude, screamy, jumping on furniture) when at mine they are not invited back, ever. The kids are well aware of this policy and have never argued with it.
Makes me found mean but we did have someone to play every day in half term, three time for the whole day; my 3 and guest all played nicely and I got loads of work done and only had to prepare meals.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 15/03/2016 04:47

Kerala I think some parents are just very controlled and controlling about everything from the beginning and the household is run in a way where there has never been much scope for spontaneity or change of routine or outside influence so their children know no different so don't question it.

GlindatheFairy · 15/03/2016 05:10

I try to reciprocate, but there are probably people I "owe" favours and playdates to. I don't keep score, I'm afraid. If people think badly of me for it, then tough shit really, most people have bigger fish to fry.

DancingDinosaur · 15/03/2016 09:46

Absolutely Glinda.

RapidlyOscillating · 15/03/2016 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 15/03/2016 10:41

"That's another thing, when do you see out of school friends with children if you are constantly having school friends round for tea and to play at the weekend?"

Grin Last time I looked, there was quite a difference between "constantly" and "never".

But anyway, don't out of school friends count when people say they don't do " play dates"?

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 15/03/2016 10:49

I don't think anyone ever specified whether these friends were school friends or not, did they? I get the impression that the women who don't like having other people's children in their house don't really discriminate between school friends and non-school friends, they just don't want anyone round.

Thurlow · 15/03/2016 10:53

See, this really worries me when DD starts school and makes friends whose parents I don't know (as in, her 'friends' now are children whose parents I'm also friends with, so we'll happily kill an hour on the weekend having a cuppa while the kids play).

But what are you supposed to do if you work full-time? DP is around slightly more than me, but I've seen plenty of threads on here about parents not liking their kids to go on playdates when its just a Dad there (Hmm). Then if you have family to see often at weekends, and sports classes maybe - if you have other DC over for playdates regularly, when are you supposed to see your own kids properly?

BertrandRussell · 15/03/2016 11:01

Thurlow- this is just one of those ridiculous mumsnet things, honestly. In the real world, your kid will sometimes go to tea with a friend, and sometimes have a friend back to play. Or not. It's not a big deal- it just happens organicallyGrin.

KERALA1 · 15/03/2016 11:15

Exactly Bertrand! Don't know why I even bothered with this thread - don't personally know anyone who doesn't reciprocate the odd tea. The only reason I vaguely keep tabs is to check I am not the one taking the mick!

Fortunately for me DD1s friends are my friends DDs and DD2 is quite anti social job done.

RapidlyOscillating · 15/03/2016 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly · 15/03/2016 12:22

Of course it doesn't have to be within a week; nobody thinks that. Hmm
It doesn't even have to be strictly tit for tat, nobody keeps a tally to see when it's "their" turn.

However, allowing your kids to go on play dates knowing you never intend to reciprocate because you don't do play dates is socially inept, however little some people like to hear it.

blobbityblob · 15/03/2016 12:55

I think if someone isn't reciprocating it can be for a number of reasons:

They work, have health issues, other commitments.
They find your dc difficult and it's stressful.
Their dc doesn't particularly gel with yours.
They're out of sync with you - you may want to get them together every other week, they may prefer every other month.

We do arrange things but much less frequently than some others appear to want to.

jellypopmummy · 15/03/2016 13:29

It's a tough one. Personally I don't like it when people invite DD to things (bad mummy stifling her social interactions) because of the apparent obligation to reciprocate.
I don't like watching other people's kids and I don't want people to feel obliged to watch mine.
We stay in a flat with a few kids and my DH and I hate it when our neighbour offers to take DD to play with her DC for a few hours. DD enjoys it, but I don't want her DC in my house for hours at a time. We have a no shoe policy, which they have ignored in the past, the oldest answers back and I have over heard the sentence "I really like this doll/shoes/dress, can I have it?" on several occasions to the point where I have had to step in and say no. Not to mention the dog goes everywhere with them and just runs amok. Our DD knows to take care of her toys, she breaks it due to being rough and not careful, she loses out, these kids have no regard for them in the first place.
In the summer it's worse as the kids are in the back garden and as we are on the bottom floor our door is the one that gets knocked, or if one of them falls it's our window that is the one they scream and cry under and we feel obliged to keep an eye on them since the others don't bother as we have easier access.

IABU, I sound like a bitch, but given how rude some kids are these days, I don't feel like dealing with other peoples 'little darlings', and that includes going to parties DD is invited to (DH and I draw straws)

Donnadoon · 15/03/2016 13:52

YABU I do not reciprocate and I dont like having to explain why..but I have a dog that most people are scared off because he is big and he barks and I also have a teen son with ASD who is prone to shouting and swearing occasionally. So I dread the playdate scenario and try and swerve if possible, I definately am not happy waving them off either.
OP Im glad this thread has given you an insight into other peoples circumstances..and never " give to receive"

Brighteyes27 · 16/03/2016 10:12

YANBU my DS has grown out of the play date thing and DD almost has although now it's changed to sleepovers!! I work pt and quite liked having other Dc's round as long as they behave reasonably appropriately. If mine were invited to a new friends I was always very conscious of reciprocating the favour before I forgot even if it wasn't totally ideal or convenient. I acknowledge it was much easier for some who only had one child and harder for some who have several younger children or work f/t so made allowances. But not everyone sings from the same hymn sheet unfortunately. I would try to get used to this now as sorry to say it gets worse in some ways as they get older but easier in some as its up to the kids and is sometimes less forced. However, the majority of my DD's friends age 10/11 have Instagram and other children openly post on Instagram about who has been invited to X' party, who is invited to go uptown with the 'cool kids' and who is at who's house right now etc. Totally rubbing kids/parents noses in it especially if you have been particularly generous to kids and in helping out parents for a goodly while. This behaviour seems totally acceptable with the parents of these kids even liking their DD's posts !!

CaptainCrunch · 16/03/2016 10:28

I agree with you bright eyes. I got sick of my hospitality being abused.

TheOddity · 16/03/2016 12:10

YABU. I have other children over as DS only has a baby sister so no one to play with. Plus as a SAHM I have the time and patience to gear myself up for it. DS is easier when his friends are over so It is still an advantage to me. I really don't think it is rude not to reciprocate. If my house were out of control because I worked full time and never get through everything, I wouldn't want children there either. I hate to think by having people to play with DS they feel pressure reciprocate.

CaptainCrunch · 16/03/2016 12:25

I don't think it's a problem if people can't reciprocate, the problem is when they won't have your dc but invite others for whatever reason they see fit, ie you or your dc aren't "cool" but they'll still let their dc eat all your food and mess up your house. That's taking the piss.

chaoscanbehappy · 16/03/2016 12:29

Interestingly my children get invited on playdates quite often & I do everything in my power to say no because I know we won't be able to reciprocate. I have a complex work pattern/childcare arrangements and on my rare days off the absolutely last thing I want to do is look after someone else's child. Happy for my children to never go on a 'Playdate' (how I hate that term we've come to use) but how can I say no to the persistent parent? It's actually difficult when your presented with 10 different alternative days & have world your way through your excuses many times. Any tips gratefully received.

MammaBean1988 · 16/03/2016 12:33

In general i find it better manners to reciprocate play dates, lifts to/from events, trips to the park etc.

There are a lot of reasons some people can't or don't feel comfy reciprocating though, it's not always as simple as them being rude.

JustDanceAddict · 16/03/2016 12:40

It depends on a lot of factors, but if your child is being left out that is a different matter (ie, the non-reciprocator has other kids back, but not yours). DD never goes to her best friend's house at the moment as BF says it's really small and boring (and she lives with her strict dad!). She either comes here or they meet out. Fine by me as no-one else is going there either (DH dropped the girl back once and he confirmed it was a very small house). Our house is hardly a mansion, but it's big enough to have some 'space' for everyone to hang out with their friends.

Flamingbluemonkey · 16/03/2016 12:41

Can I ask an opinion on this situation then?.....
12.5 year old DS Stays at once of his friend's houses fairly regularly. They always invite him. His friend is welcome at ours at any time, I'm a friendly person and like people/kids, but here's this:
We live in a small flat above a shop and are a family of 5, my sons share a room (ages 5 and 12) it's a squeeze for us, let alone having anyone else over. Also neither me or my fiancé drives. My DD (age 13) regularly has one of her friends over and equally goes over to theirs. But there's a difference with my son's friend.... He lives in a huge house with many rooms, double garages, fancy cars etc, his parents both drive. I really believe he'd be uncomfortable here. I didn't want things to be unfair so I sent him and his mum some flowers and chocolates to say thanks. I'm out of my depth with this one