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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents should reciprocate when DC invited to play?

403 replies

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 11/03/2016 19:20

Genuinely interested in what others think...DH just shrugs but he's very laid back! Notice this particularly with DD2 (9) I often have her friends over at weekends, take them out to places, also always happy to help out if people need a lift to a school or club event. DD hardly seems to ever get invited anywhere though. These are girls she is good friends with, plays with at school every day. Plus parents are always more than happy for their DD to come to ours, so I don't think it's that they don't like her. I do know these parents, not close friends, but I cannot think of a reason why they don't reciprocate.

DD has written a list of who she would like to come to her birthday, and it's all her usual friends but as I was looking through it, it struck me how few of these girls have ever invited her to play. There is one girl she has been friends with for four years and I've had her over several times, and DD has not been invited over once. I know space is tight at their place, but I also know if DD had ever been invited to the park with them, where they go most weekends, she would have jumped at it! It just seems a lot of parents if the girls my DD plays with are happy for their DC to go on play dates but don't want anyone else coming to them. if DD is invited somewhere i always try and reciprocate some time over the coming months, I wouldn't regularly accept invites and never reciprocate. Has anyone else experienced this? AIBU?

OP posts:
stumblymonkey · 13/03/2016 09:19

...and as for providing an explanation....perhaps they don't want to tell you that their DP is abusive, or that they have bipolar disorder and can't cope right now?

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2016 09:19

I just hate mean spiritedness. My child wants a friend to play? That's fine. It's an event, not a transaction.

Peaceandloveeveryone · 13/03/2016 09:20

There is also lots of judgement about why people do the inviting though.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2016 09:23

I know. Mean spirited on both sides. Disgusting.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/03/2016 09:38

Yes I will still do play dates for ds, just not on a regular basis, as I do find it hard as well as its not only the child that comes, but parent who then brings other siblings as well. So the clear up afterwards is quite hard work, and it is quite exhausting man aging dd as wall as keeping parents and other siblings entertained.

Peaceandloveeveryone · 13/03/2016 09:44

Aeroflot Flowers it's hard isn't it?

KERALA1 · 13/03/2016 10:01

Think input of friends parents on Dc can actually be quite strong. Have vivid memories of friends mothers from when I was a child, some very different to my own mother - but there is value to experiencing input from different adults and experiencing how different families operate.

Dd2 is desperate to join her friends family - the mum is glamorous, works in fashion and the dc are not required to go on bike rides Grin

Ceeceecee · 13/03/2016 10:21

I'll always welcome whoever my kids want to bring home regardless of what their parents do or don't do. And I actually love getting to know them and seeing my kids In the company of their peers - it's an interesting insight into their characters as well as the dynamics.

Mine are older - 10 and 12 - so it's definitely about who they like. In the early years there was more of a sense of reciprocating and of encouraging certain friendships through providing a space to play away from the classroom and playground. and through doing that I got to know mums and as we got closer our kids drew together. my favourite mums work FT

zoemaguire · 13/03/2016 10:36

I agree Kerala. I practically moved in with my best friend when I was little (not literally:) I was there looads though) and I learnt so much from them. They were so different to my own family, gave me a whole new perspective on the world, i ate new foods, experienced sibling relationships. None of which I could have got from the school playground. I'd honestly be a different and less cosmopolitan person today without them. Spending your entire out of school life exclusively within the family setting is sometimes unavoidable, but it is hardly the ideal.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/03/2016 10:41

Yes it is peace, though I tried. Mabey dd wasent nites back as she has ASD and on a totally different level to the child. I stopped as it was becoming more difficult due to her behaviour and lack if interaction and a bit, no inviting back.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/03/2016 10:42

Not invited back I meant.

KERALA1 · 13/03/2016 10:44

When we were young teens a friend and I babysat for some friends of my parents. I remember my friend aged 13 saying "when I'm an adult I want a house like this". Caught up with her a year or so ago we now in our forties. Guess what her house is like?!

TheOnlyColditz · 13/03/2016 10:50

Seriously, people keep track of this shit? Do they not have lives?

I'm always having kids round. Yes, it's disruptive, but my kids love having visitors. Their parents often don't reciprocate, and that's ok. Ds1 in particular is hard work.

I think some of you need to take a less biased look at your own kids' behaviour - I won't have a child round if he's rude, disobedient, or an extreme fussy eater, and your idea of rude may be very different to mine. I have learned not to trust people who say "Oh he eats anything, really" when they think eating four different oven-shit meals on rotation is normal family catering and fresh broccoli is posh and not-for-children. A child who ignores a clear instruction isn't coming back. A child who argues with me isn't coming back. A child who is rude to my son isn't coming at all.

Now, I might let my kid go there if he is invited, but you are responsible for your own invitation issuing,nobody has a gun to your head.

Icompletelyunderstand · 13/03/2016 11:15

I had an incredibly miserable stepfather who would never allow me to have friends over as it encroached on 'his' time. He saw the house as 'his' space and very much felt that children should be seen and not heard. I wasn't even allowed to have friends come and knock at the door because it 'inconvenienced' him.

I think we have a few of his compatriots on this thread.

DancingDinosaur · 13/03/2016 11:19

Crikey people do get het up don't they Grin Maybe for some of you, who have drawn up a contract that (the other parent isn't even aware of) it might be wise to inform them they are entering said contract before issuing the first invite Wink Rather than stewing in your own juices when the invite isn't reciprocated.

2boysnamedR · 13/03/2016 11:25

It used to bover me a bit. Both of my school age boys had parties every year but only got invited to 1 or two a year. We have taken their friends for days out, meals over for tea and yet they rarely get to do the same.

I don't really care much now. The boys never comment on it and I don't have their friends unless it's mentioned.

I wouldn't want to be essentially free child care which maybe how I feel if I was the op.

When it gets to that point I would cut things back.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2016 11:37

"I wouldn't want to be essentially free child care which maybe how I feel if I was the op. "
If your child enjoys it, why not?

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2016 11:39

If you have to make it a transaction, why not think of it as child care in exchange for a companion for your child?

RapidlyOscillating · 13/03/2016 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zoemaguire · 13/03/2016 11:56

DancingDinosaur, actually we do make that kind of unspoken social contract all the time. You might not be literally signing on the dotted line, but it's the same thing in practice. Just like if you accept a round off somebody in the pub, you do so in the generalised expectation that you'll return it. You can't just say 'well I don't like drinking anyway, miserable bugger who does he think he is, buying me a drink?'. Well, you could, but you have to take the social consequences of that decision. That's living in a community for you.

Pico2 · 13/03/2016 12:28

How are parents who don't reciprocate meant to know whether they are being invited over by someone who is just happy to have their child over or by someone who thinks they should decline because they can't invite back?

I'd be thoroughly pissed off to find that children couldn't come to play because someone on the Internet had encouraged those who don't reciprocate for whatever reason not to accept play dates in the first place.

zoemaguire · 13/03/2016 12:37

I don't think anybody should decline on that basis. I think they should acknowledge that they can't reciprocate, just like if you were completely broke you might agree to go to the pub, but let your mates know that you couldn't afford to do rounds. In which case everybody would of course likely buy your drinks for you, gladly. If you don't say anything, there is a danger people will draw the wrong conclusions. That might be inconvenient, but it's just how it is.

KERALA1 · 13/03/2016 13:43

If possible it's great to have a reciprocal thing going on with dc friends. The mother of one I didn't know that well emailed a group of us a few months ago to say she had a health condition and was struggling. As we knew the child and family us and 3 families others could step in easily for pick ups, play dates etc without too much disruption for the Dc as already familiar with coming round.

DancingDinosaur · 13/03/2016 14:51

DancingDinosaur, actually we do make that kind of unspoken social contract all the time

I don't. When I used to do playdates I would never expect that my child should be invited back as part of an unwritten contract. Some did invite dc back, some didn't. But I invited them because my child wanted them round, not because I wanted something back. People have different lives and other commitments. Its not always possible to reciprocate. I don't do them anymore. Too busy with other stuff these days.

Same as buying a drink in a pub. I buy someone a drink because I want to, not for what I can get back Hmm

zoemaguire · 13/03/2016 15:06

I'm not talking about your feelings about the matter. I'm talking about unspoken social contracts. You're telling me you've never heard of a rounds system in the pub? You know, when there are 6 people there and people take it in turns to buy everyone drinks,even if they don't know everyone? The point is you can't really opt out. If you're there, you take part. Playdates tend to operate on similar lines, whether you think so or not. Not one in, one out, but not either 15 in 0 out.