not to adjust my work hours to pick up DC from school every day?

[runningLou]

I work 3 days per week (21 hours) - DC are in breakfast club 3 mornings, and after school club 1 afternoon, so I drop them off 2 days out of 5 and pick them up 4 days out of 5. Last year I was working 9-3, school hours, 5 days per week in a job I found really stressful and ended up with MH issues. Changed jobs, and how have 2 school days to myself per week which has done wonders for my sanity and efficiency.
But, DD (8 yo) doesn't like the school club - she was originally going 2 evenings per week and I have already changed my hours once to cut that down. She is still not happy there, very unsettled until DH collects her. DS (4) is fine.
I am hesitating about pulling her out of the school club entirely as a group of girls also attend whom she is having problems with in her class also - peer pressure, friendship tensions etc. We have been in touch with the school about this and they are doing pastoral interventions but I think it would probably be good for DD not to be around them for an extra few hours per week.
I have been looking at childminders but I have only found one who could do similar hours and it is almost twice the price of the club and she charges a retainer for out of term time.
I was saying to DH last night after DD had become hysterical at bedtime (tensions at school are coming out at home a lot at the moment) that I should really just change my hours, work 4 days per week school-hours only, and pull DC out of childcare. We would be a bit better off too. But, then I would lose the time that has really been my saviour this year, and the time I would spend with DC after school is not really quality time (DD in particular is frequently very bad company as she is so tired and needs to offload). Is it selfish to be dithering?
I am not term-time-only but could work my hours over 3 days in school holidays to have more time with DC. DH is on hand for holidays luckily (teacher). WWYD?

Here is a useful article on diagnosis in girls http://www.amaze.org.au/girls-and-women-on-the-autism-spectrum/]
here is a check list , also from Australia, http://www.autismvictoria.org.au/diagnosis/characteristics_checklist.php]
Or this questionnaire from Cambridge University https://psychology-tools.com/cast/]

Thank you that is really useful. I can definitely map a lot of what the article talks about in terms of 'masking' behaviour at school onto what DD does - she is desperate to fit in with the group, whilst not fully wanting to join. I think this makes her very confused.
I just used the Cambridge questionnaire however and it came out that she had few or no autistic traits.
Fundamentally as it is a spectrum you can't really draw a line between high functioning Aspergers and a child with emotional difficulties and anger issues can you?
I just wish I could determine what was going on in order to pick the best strategies to deal with it ...
If she does have Aspergers, how do I respond when she says things like 'I hate you' or 'I hate myself', and hits herself? What works to de-escalate a situation like that?

Could you take a shorter lunch break so you can leave work earlier? I did that as DD wasn't managing a late pickup from nursery, and I couldn't make another flexible working request to actually reduce my working hours at that point.

I saw you wrote that your DD doesn't like the idea of clubs, but is there anything she might rather go to than after school club? I used to collect a girl from her school and take her to a music class at a school where I had adult classes myself - I didn't have DC myself then. People like to help if they can.

They other thing is, why are you saving your leave for summer holidays if your DH has school holidays off? I think in your situation I'd compromise some family time in the summer and use my leave to drop a day at work in term time. Then you can "work" 4 days a week but actually only be at work 3 days, iyswim.

My lunchbreaks are 30 mins and unpaid but can't be used as TOIL unfortunately.
I have so little A/L as I only started the job in September - I used 3 days at Christmas, will use 3 days at Easter and will then only have 6 days for summer.

Please do ask for a referral (GP) - masking the behaviour in school and it only being visible at home is normal. Also one of the tests they do (ADOS) will draw out the problems. Those online checklists are no use IMO, the spectrum is so broad.
Also I would actually query if the girls behaviour is toxic/bullying or if your DD struggles with friendships and needs space from people more than the people themselves being the problem. DD can only take so much of people before needing a break by which time everything has escalated in her head to dramatic proportions. This would manifest in 'everyone hates me, I can't do anything right etc.)
Also breakfast club is probably fine as it's quieter, this would be a big indicator that by days end DD had reached her max tolerance.
With DD it's constant positive reinforcement, lately she has been much better at saying that she is not one of the popular girls but that's ok because she is arty/creative/other positive comment. Don't minimise the event but maximise the positivity of the reason. Hope you know what I mean.

Yes absolutely - by the end of the day DD has reached her max tolerance of being around other people and just needs to come home and crash! She needs to isolate herself for a while and really resents my presence / interruption when I call her for tea ... I find this hard but not sure how to address it as she will always push boundaries e.g. setting fixed time for screen time / meal times.
I think there is an element of the girls being truly toxic (I have witnessed incidents where they pick on each other quite cruelly) but DD is definitely more sensitive to this than most. The 'everyone hates me' line is one I recognise, but she also turns it around against DH and I - 'you shouldn't care about me' ... or once 'you're not trying hard enough to love me' which really hurt.

With the Cambridge check list, I would just nite down examples of any of the behaviour she might be showing, and add to it if you spot anything else or remember anything else. Sometimes things like : eye contact, repetitive speech, "stimming" etc. Can be so subtle that you have to be looking for it to see it eg. My DD sometimes gets too close when looking at you. Or she uses certain set phrases or even picks up and seems to use advanced language ( using the word "presumably" accurately at 3). Or brings her fingers together in an odd way, and repetitively when stressed (someone I knew used to blink).

If she says she hates herself definitely note it down and emphasis this to health professionals. You can ask her why. But she might not be able to answer. Do tell her why you love her. Praise her for trying hard. Tell her what you like about her. If you can find helpful stories to help her understand how social situations work, that could help. Reading (and good TV shows) can be a great help in understanding social situations.

She may be really struggling with the times that what she is told to do is the opposite or in conflict with the social rules in her social group eg. "Don't hit" but you are expected to put up with pushing in corridors or even hit back if someone hits you.

Even worse "tell a teacher" and then teachers get fed up when you keep telling.
If she has sensory issues, then small pushes may feel like hard shoves.

Have definitely decided to take DD out of after school club. For the moment we will keep breakfast club and see how she goes in the summer term.
Had a meeting at school today with pastoral lead and class teacher. They have put a plan in place to support DD - we are going to review first week back after Easter. Am not totally happy as they are still refusing to discuss changing classes. Am thinking of contacting headteacher about this. I understand it might disrupt the school but surely DD's welfare is more important?

Discussed with child therapist yesterday and concluded that she doesn't have enough traits, particularly total lack of them in speech & language, to warrant diagnosis at this stage. However I am thinking it sounds more like she is suffering from severe anxiety. What would help with this? Shall I try and get her seen by a counsellor?
I suffer with GAD myself and am so paranoid now that I have somehow passed this on - like DD sees me dealing inadequately with the world and I have not equipped her to cope.