not to adjust my work hours to pick up DC from school every day?

[runningLou]

I work 3 days per week (21 hours) - DC are in breakfast club 3 mornings, and after school club 1 afternoon, so I drop them off 2 days out of 5 and pick them up 4 days out of 5. Last year I was working 9-3, school hours, 5 days per week in a job I found really stressful and ended up with MH issues. Changed jobs, and how have 2 school days to myself per week which has done wonders for my sanity and efficiency.
But, DD (8 yo) doesn't like the school club - she was originally going 2 evenings per week and I have already changed my hours once to cut that down. She is still not happy there, very unsettled until DH collects her. DS (4) is fine.
I am hesitating about pulling her out of the school club entirely as a group of girls also attend whom she is having problems with in her class also - peer pressure, friendship tensions etc. We have been in touch with the school about this and they are doing pastoral interventions but I think it would probably be good for DD not to be around them for an extra few hours per week.
I have been looking at childminders but I have only found one who could do similar hours and it is almost twice the price of the club and she charges a retainer for out of term time.
I was saying to DH last night after DD had become hysterical at bedtime (tensions at school are coming out at home a lot at the moment) that I should really just change my hours, work 4 days per week school-hours only, and pull DC out of childcare. We would be a bit better off too. But, then I would lose the time that has really been my saviour this year, and the time I would spend with DC after school is not really quality time (DD in particular is frequently very bad company as she is so tired and needs to offload). Is it selfish to be dithering?
I am not term-time-only but could work my hours over 3 days in school holidays to have more time with DC. DH is on hand for holidays luckily (teacher). WWYD?

The only thing the school have noted is that she gets very upset when the whole class gets told off when she herself hasn't done anything, she has become distressed / cried in class about that.

runningLou my DD is also very well behaved in school.

The only issues her teachers have raised is that she cries extremely easily over very small things, and friendship problems. She also cries when the teacher tells the whole class off.

Her anxiety is getting worse as she gets older, as are her social difficulties. She's noticeably different from her peers now she's in year 4, it wasn't very obvious when she was in infants - she just appeared a little immature.

Ah, I see chipface has already brought it up - just catching up and your last few posts reminded me very strongly of my oldest niece, who also has Asperger's and dyspraxia. The dyspraxia was diagnosed first, when she was 7; the Asperger's diagnosis came later. She's now 12 and has some trouble making friends, because they find her very intense (plus she talks at 100 mph!).

DN1 also has high anxiety and a lot of rage, which she takes out on her father, primarily. I'm not sure that I have anything useful to offer in terms of how to deal with it - but getting a diagnosis might help, and might help with school understanding better if things do start to get away from her at school.

Have you seen anyone for her mental health (re the referral from dr?)

The last few posts also ring familiar with me. But because of a friend's daughter...

She is very socially awkward, wants to be in with the naughty/toxic kids (where she doesn't have a bad bone in her body), has suspected dyspraxia, dyslexia, reading is behind her sibling who is 4yrs younger than she is, spelling (on paper) is terrible, yet she can actually spell out loud ok (still not at her age level though)

She is being assessed very soon.

It must be very difficult for you & your daughter, however I think the school need to be a bit more pro active re the bullying.

At first I thought u were BU about not changing to 4 days but now not so sure, I think the real issue needs to resolved.

U need to talk to school and get the bullying sorted ASAP, I think they need to change daughters form class, otherwise I would tell them I will take DD out of school.

I would be very concerned about her MH with some of the things u have mentioned that she has said. Go back to the GP. I would also do more research on Aspergers.

Has she any friends outside of school? Maybe she could join a club or do an activity.

I think part of the issue is how she behaves and you're kind of annoyed at her being "bratty" when at home so you sort of don't want to help her out with the not going to the after school club (sorry if i've got that wrong). I get it though. Tbh, I'd change. It's just not worth it, for her (it might get worse and she's clearly unhappy). One less afternoon there might help her cope and then be better at home, so nicer for you so win win all round.

I'm in a similar situation in that I work my hours round the school day so DS (6) never goes to out of school care.

I completely get what you mean about the stress levels doing this. The timing is so tight most days and often I have to pick DS up in the car, which he hates, and then he's grumpy. But I have resisted using the after school club so far because I know he is not a flexible child and he really struggles with changes in routine. This year has been better as DH can now do 1 day a week drop offs and pick ups and I get Friday off to myself.

Personally I would rearrange my hours so your DD avoids the after school club - it sounds like you'd still have 1 day a week on your own?

Aspergers in girls can demonstrate very differently to boys. Try goggling "Aspergers in Girls" there is increasing amounts about it out there.
Signs in girls can include: being very quiet, obsessions with "normal" things eg. Horses or pop stars.
My DD was spotted by the Ed Psych the first time he met her, for a different thing; but school were totally surprised (even though I'd thought we were skirting around the possibility for at least a year).

The lesser diagnosis of "traits" can still explain a lot, and might give a way forward. In any case the major issue with ASD is often anxiety, and that is definitely an issue for your daughter. There are some good books for children on anxiety (I've got a volcano in my tummy).

Social anxiety and rage, definitely - no signs of dyspraxia or dyslexia though and her reading age is higher than expected, spelling also fine. We are a bilingual family and she can communicate confidently in both languages.
Would absolutely consider getting her assessed but would be worried there would be nothing for an EP to observe in school.
I don't know if the toxic group dynamic with the other girls could be classified as bullying as I don't think she is victimised all the time - it has just made her incredibly insecure as they are all so critical/nasty to each other constantly. However yesterday at the party when she was upset the other girls were all concerned and checking on her. She was utterly oblivious to this and focused on yelling at DH.
No friends outside of school - an absolute phobia of doing any clubs and activities alone. She does swimming, on condition that DH watches her like a hawk from the poolside. She becomes hysterical in the pool if she can't see him. She also does karate, with DH.
Am thinking of volunteering as cub/brownie leader so that she could join pack and meet some other peers.

A few things strike me:

Did you take any other steps towards addressing your MH issues other than change your job?

It sounds like you don't particularly enjoy this job either - could anything be done to change that? Different role or responsibilities at work? Being in a "mind-numbing" job can have awful effects on your well-being. This is meant gently, but maybe your two days off do you good because you're not in that mind-numbing environment?

Your Dd's school isn't taking you seriously. This bullying needs clamping down on - not with some namby-pamby idea they think looks good but is totally ineffective. "Trying" to get an appt with the Head? No, as PP said, you sit in the school reception until they've put you in the diary for an appointment, or you tell them you're taking it to the governors because they are not safeguarding your child.

See your GP or community doctor (via school nurse?) about your DD again - I do think some of her behaviour is typical of 8year olds but also that there are underlying issues.

As I was reading the thread I was thinking the same as Chip face and others re high functioning autism (aspergers).
We've just had DD2 diagnosed and it's like a light bulb. We worried for a long time re the tiredness (has full bloods etc done) the emotions etc. In school she seemed ok, brilliant academically but not a lot of friends and some issues with being a class outsider. But it's at home the upset,temper and tiredness really show.
Ask for a referral and don't be surprised if school/psych are initially sceptical, it was the ASOD (?) test that really showed up DDs difficulties. She wasnhiding/coping/not displaying it so well. It has really helped our home situation to know how to best deal with her.

Many dc on the as spectrum can cope during the school day but misbehave or melt down outside it. You do need to get some answers before she gets much older as year 4,5 and 6 girls can be very socially toxic. If they are already it will only get worse.

Minniemagoo yes the tiredness is incredible!! DD is exhausted most of the time. Have requested bloods but GP was reluctant as no other signs of anaemia etc.
What strategies are now helping you with your DD?

My DD9 also hates afterschool club and I feel uneasy with her there twice a week so it is actually forcing our hand for her to walk home herself one night a week from September, although it is likely she may not be ready by then!

Running - my niece with Asperger's and dyspraxia doesn't have dyslexia as well, far from it. I'm not familiar enough with the UK school system (as my boy is in Australian school) but apparently my DN was achieving at level 6 in all 4 core subjects at the end of primary school, if that makes sense? She was the only one in her year to be doing that.

And the tiredness may be dyspraxia-related - depends - DN used to get fatigued easily, but was also quite clumsy; but has decent fine-motor skills.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/925021-dyspraxia-and-fatigue - old thread from here, not very many answers, but it sounds familiar...

If you DD is very miserable I would go for the childminder option even if it costs more if you don't want to lose your free time. And I don't blame you for needing a bit of time to yourself. And a stressed out mother isn't any good for the family. And put a bit more pressure on the school to deal with this nastiness. Can she not go with a different group in the after school club. I expect not though.

running We are only after getting a diagnosis but already we have seen a big difference in our family dynamic by us realising that DD2 needs more downtime. We let her have more tablet/readingmusic/bedroom time and noise/distractions are kept to a minimum. I would highly recommend noise cancelling headphones.
Also routine, we have started being much more prepared (clothes, bag etc) for the day and have a chart showing what's on when.
We withdrew her from the team sport she was doing (and alternating between liking and hating), the psych said an individual activity as part of a team eg swim team would be better so she has started and loves tennis.
In your situation I would approach the after school, is she being 'forced' to mix. Do they have a quiet reading/craft area she could have a break.
DD comes home from school most days and it's like she has put so much effort into maintaining a facade for the day that she needs to withdraw into herself. Extending her day by after school might just be too much for her. I am very lucky I work short days and am home when school is over as I'm not sure DD would have the energy for more esp towards the end of the week.

What would the next step be if we did think DD had Aspergers? Sorry to seem so ignorant but I really don't know much about getting a child assessed and as I said I would be concerned that there were little or no signs to observe in school. All her difficult behaviour is at home, other than at this party on Saturday and some other similar situations.
She has tastes that I would describe as odd for an 8 yo and which I am struggling with. She only wants to wear black/grey and has asked for black walls in her bedroom. Atm we are simply not discussing bedroom decor as she is utterly unable to compromise and any attempt at negotiation on my part leads to a meltdown. Could this be an Aspergers-related thing?? The tastes, I mean - I know the meltdowns could be.
She is definitely not dyspraxic though. Great at writing, cycling, swimming, not clumsy. Don't know if this would also affect diagnosis/assessment.

Have decided I am going to pull DD out of after school club from after the Easter holidays.

Still undecided about breakfast club. I cycled there with her this morning and she was fine about going in - the atmosphere was calm, kids playing quietly and we arrived at 8:15 so she would only have 30 mins there.
Need to decide whether to maintain breakfast club or pull her out of childcare altogether before I speak to my manager about my hours ...

It could be Aspergers/ASD.
You need to see your GP and ask for referral to a developmental paediatrician or CAHMS ( it depends on your area which or whether both diagnose).

I would also start keeping a diary, and get one of the online check lists and note any events which match the criteria (either those you remember or which occur now).

You can also look at the NAS website and contact their helpline. Pop into the Goose and Carrot thread in SN Chat.

Any strategies used with ASD children, you can try, as apart from drugs I don't know any legitimate ones that will do a "normal" child any harm. And the less legitimate ones I wouldn't dream of trying on my child regardless.

Do you have a link to an online checklist?
We are thinking of getting a visual timetable for DD as she is very distressed by unexpected/unanticipated events.
However lots of her meltdowns happen when she has been expecting something, not communicated her wishes, and then when it doesn't happen gets in a total rage rather than saying ... 'but I was hoping for X ...' so this is very difficult to legislate for!

What year is your DS in? I personaoly pull her out of school and try the other onevand wait for a place for DS. As people hace said places do come up. At 8 years old she should not have to put up with a toxic group. Work through her MH at new school. Dont discuss it with her just take action and two school drops one is possible. I did this with my DS and within 2 weeks i had a different little boy. Age 5 he was sticking his fingers down his throat to throw up and had diaroehha on a daily basis. School were shit at comkunication and wanted it swept under the carpet! Move her!!

sorry if this has already been suggested...but does your dad's school do after school clubs. Then she would only have to be in after school club for 30mins?

DS is in Reception. They don't have spaces but I think we could get him in after a while as a sibling / on appeal. He is very happy at school though, has made good friends since starting nursery last year, and has settled well. I don't know if I should disrupt that.
I have spoken to DD about changing schools but she became hysterical, and was screaming. I think this is because she fears change, and there are a lot of things she likes about the school.
So sorry to hear about your DS's distress Pancakes and glad that has now resolved. DD has never shown any particular reluctance to go to school. All her meltdowns are home-centred. It's just that whenever I ask her about why she is feeling down all she ever mentions is friendship tensions at school ...

I know she is reluctant to go to the after school club, and I have decided she will definitely not be going any more. I just need to decide about the breakfast club now ... That is only 30 mins and I think if I could get that down to twice a week as well, that might be ok ...
None of this deals with the major issue anyway which is her inability to deal with conflict / anger / rage etc.