not to adjust my work hours to pick up DC from school every day?

[runningLou]

I work 3 days per week (21 hours) - DC are in breakfast club 3 mornings, and after school club 1 afternoon, so I drop them off 2 days out of 5 and pick them up 4 days out of 5. Last year I was working 9-3, school hours, 5 days per week in a job I found really stressful and ended up with MH issues. Changed jobs, and how have 2 school days to myself per week which has done wonders for my sanity and efficiency.
But, DD (8 yo) doesn't like the school club - she was originally going 2 evenings per week and I have already changed my hours once to cut that down. She is still not happy there, very unsettled until DH collects her. DS (4) is fine.
I am hesitating about pulling her out of the school club entirely as a group of girls also attend whom she is having problems with in her class also - peer pressure, friendship tensions etc. We have been in touch with the school about this and they are doing pastoral interventions but I think it would probably be good for DD not to be around them for an extra few hours per week.
I have been looking at childminders but I have only found one who could do similar hours and it is almost twice the price of the club and she charges a retainer for out of term time.
I was saying to DH last night after DD had become hysterical at bedtime (tensions at school are coming out at home a lot at the moment) that I should really just change my hours, work 4 days per week school-hours only, and pull DC out of childcare. We would be a bit better off too. But, then I would lose the time that has really been my saviour this year, and the time I would spend with DC after school is not really quality time (DD in particular is frequently very bad company as she is so tired and needs to offload). Is it selfish to be dithering?
I am not term-time-only but could work my hours over 3 days in school holidays to have more time with DC. DH is on hand for holidays luckily (teacher). WWYD?

I think one day a week is not too much for your DD to have afterschool care- DS is in one day a week and he is perfectly fine - difference is there is no concerns there. People should save their angst for those DCs I see in from the start of breakfast club right until the end of afterschool so 7.45 -5.45 5 days a week.

It sounds as some have said is that the core issue is the bullying/unhappiness at school and at afterschool.

I suspect that even if you adjusted your working hours - thus reducing your equilibrium - then not a lot would change and your DD would still be unhappy.

Therefore pursuing the options that you are doing seem like the right thing to do.

You are being too soft with the school. Go into the school Monday morning and say you will remain there until the head teacher sees you.

I can never get over the excuses schools make about it taking time to sort out. They are 8 year olds who have constant supervision. The school can helicopter the situation and the slightest hint of bulling can be dealt with until they get the message that it has to stop.

People are far too soft on bullies. Your daughters mental health must be looked after by the school, the bullies should be separated. What reason have school given that they are allowing this to continue?

I think you should definitely go to 4 days a week. Imagine looking back when they are teenagers and dont need you as much and think it was an obvious and insignificant sacrifice you could have made, but didn't just so you had 2 days of "you time". You're a mum and sadly "me time" has, to at times be sacrificed or compromised. Your DD seems to be calling out for some support and help, a 4 day week with the day off (mostly) to yourself is a huge luxury- and still would make a huge difference to working full time. I'm sure her change in behaviour is linked both to her experience with the other girls in the club as well as feeling her concerns and fears about it are being largely ignored by you.

Bellisima -how very unhelpful. the OP suffers from anxiety and has moved to this working pattern to improve her mental health. This isn't a lady of leisure who wants some time to get her nails done - allowing herself time and space to be well and stay well is not some hackneyed idea of "you time".

han OP asked the question- we are not all in agreement that what she is doing is fine and going to just compliment her choices- she asked what we thought- I told her.
Others have also shared the same thoughts and questioned- what about her young daughter's state of mind and anxiety? Op has already said she has started to feel better, so why not even try going back to 4 days, improving her daughters experience and see how it is for her? This is a young girl crying out for some help and clearly dreading being forced into going to this club. Pressure and anxiety like this can have very dangerous consequences for her as she grows up.

I'm a bit on the fence. If you worked FT they would have no choice but to be in childcare and you'd have to be more creative with the solution so it didn't affect your work.

At the same time, you have a huge amount of luxury to be juggling your hours around like this and I couldn't see my daughter that upset knowing I could try something that simple to fix it. The way I read it your MH issues were related to your old job weren't they? You might find you don't need time alone as much now

Lots of teachers work part time. Maybe your DH could drop a day a week?

Haven't read it all so apologies if it's already been said. I would be concerned about my dcs mental health too. It sounds like she is struggling with the before & after school hours on top of school. If it was me I would change my hours no question but obviously it's up to you!

Is there any chance your work would let you cut your hours for a short time to get this sorted? I think if I approached mine with a request to finish early one day a week for 4 weeks (say) to sort a school problem, they would perhaps be amenable. This would be reliant on the school getting on top of the issue though and you could use this afternoon free to meet with them every week to discuss the matter!

I would hold off until after Easter hols to do something though. I do think you don't want to rush into a big job change thing and then find the situation has disappeared by June. And 3 mornings and 1 short afternoon after-school club really isn't much.

Have you asked your DD what she wants? Would she prefer if she didn't have to go to breakfast or after school clubs with these girls?

I'm not sure changing to school hours is the single magic answer but it might help your DD if she spends less time with her bullies. Your DD is spending the majority of her day with them trying to fit in, keep it all together, feeling stressed and anxious. It is understandable that you will bear the brunt of this when she gets home. The school also need to get on top of this, all this circle time, holding hands, lets be friends is great in theory but clearly not working.

What are you doing to address the other issues that lead to your dd being troubled?

I guess I just feel that I would be giving up something I know does me good (a day at home) for something that will potentially have very little impact on DD's attitude Again, and I am sorry to be so blunt op, you are expecting your dd to deal with shit that you yourself aren't prepared to deal with. Your mental health was suffering, you dealt with it...it is quite possible that your dd's mental health is suffering, yet you want her to keep taking the hits because your mental health is more important (and yes, I do know that it IS very important)

You cannot avoid parenting your child because you struggle to parent her. You need to be stronger with her, find a way to deal with her issues, and her troubles, not find ways of hiding away from what is too hard. You bought her into this world, and she cannot be asked to remain where she is obviously very deeply unhappy so you can avoid dealing with her.

You are putting adult expectations on a child, that you yourself struggle to cope with. Can't you see that?

When we become parents we make an unspoken promise to our children to protect them from stuff that could harm them...you need to do that for your dd, or you risk her having a life time of mental health issues.

And DS is absolutely fine at the club, really enjoys it. Good. But the fact is that your dd is not enjoying it! She is around girls who are bullying her, and making her life a misery!

FWIW I think you should keep her in A/S club Yep...keep her in a place where she is being bullied! Great idea!! Come on! The girl can't escape these girls in the classroom, and is being forced into a friendship circle with them outside school hours...that is not helpful to her at all!!

Keep on and on and on at the school. Keep escalating as needed, to involve the teacher, head of year, headteacher, governors... Ask them for a copy of their anti bullying policy. The school have encouraged the dd to enter a friendship workshop with these girls...i.e. for them all to be friends...how the heck is any help where bullying is concerned. I would say they are completely failing this little girl, by expecting her, (a victim) to find a way to be friends with her bullies. It is putting the onus on her to get these girls to like her, and to get them to stop. That isn't up to her. Stopping the bullying isn't her job!!

Don't let your MH deteriorate so you end up totally ground down And the deterioration of the dd's mental health??

But the DD is still going to have 30 hours a week in school with these girls. I agree with the posters saying this is where the problem lies, not the 2 extra hours of after school club once a week. Really push the school to address it. Plus I'd be going to your GP and saying your DD is talking about killing herself and you can't wait for counselling, you need an urgent CAMHS referral right away.

I have been in exactly the same situation with my 8 year old who has huge school related anxiety.

I changed my days so now I work 4 days a week instead of 3. It means my 2 year old goes to the childminder an extra day a week, but my 8 year old doesn't have to do any after school clubs. We made the decision as a family, and we decided it was important to help the person who was struggling most.

It's doesn't seem fair on my 2 year old, but he's doing ok. But if he ever had any difficulties we would do the same for him.

Now I do the school and childminder run both ways and work in between. And I don't even get a day off, because on the day I don't work I look after my 2 year old.

It's fairly stressful and I do feel like I don't get a minute to myself sometimes, but I'm an adult with years of coping strategies under my belt and a certain amount of control over my life, unlike my 8 year old.

I can't imagine having a very unhappy child simply because I wanted two days to myself. Me time can be gained at weekend and holidays given your husband won't be at work.

It will get worse for her if you don't address everything now. Giving up a day off to try and make her happy and fix things isn't a huge sacrifice at all, it's called being a parent.

different we have taken her to GP for mh referral, and seen a children's therapist for behaviour strategies. To be frank I have no idea what might be causing her terrible moods and confrontational / oppositional behaviour. I suspect negativity / nastiness / exclusion with girls at school because of conversations I have had with her, and because her self esteem has taken such a nose-dive this school year.
I know it goes deeper than that though. This morning DD was invited to the party of one of the girls in the group. It was 2.5 hours long. There was then the option to go back to the birthday girl's house for a further 3 hours. We opted out of the 'after party' as DD is chronically tired and finds this type of thing stressful. When DD realised this, she had a meltdown at the party in front of the other girls, and refused to participate in everything. She yelled at DH, and was very aggressive.
I feel like we caused this by not allowing her to go to the other part of the party. On the other hand she came home, crashed in front of iplayer for 2 hours, and emerged pleasant and apologised to DH. I feel like she needs regular down time to recharge.
I am wondering if she is suffering from some kind of severe anxiety? No idea why or how to treat it though ...
Have discussed childcare options with DH. He thinks we should use a childminder instead. I can see DD rejecting this option as she fears change and just 1 morning & afternoon with the childminder would be more expensive than the current 3 mornings & 1 afternoon at school. And I would still have to change my hours to work 4 days.
I think I will adjust to work the 4 short days.
No idea how to help DD with her deeper issues though. Yesterday she had a sort of individual play therapy session with school pastoral lead, talking about friendship. She wasn't able to tell me much of what was said, but I don't know how much impact that stuff has ...

Will the money you pay for a child minder (even taking the retainer into account) work out dearer than the extra child care you'll need to organise if you go to 4 days. I might be inclined to stay in 3 days and pay the childminder more but knowing in school holidays I have less childcare to organise and more time with my kids.
If you work it out financially there may nit be that much difference once you factor in school holiday care for both/all your kids.
Even if it does, this may be a short term problem. Come September she may be happy to start after school club again.

If you go to 4 days now can you change back to 3 easily in the future if you want to?(Although you get used to any extra income meaning it's a no).
I

4 days means no childcare at all. We don't need it in holidays as DH doesn't work out of term time (teacher). We would be slightly better off with me working 4 short days than using a childminder for 1 day. TBH it's not a financial thing for me though.

OP on face value with your update it's not surprising that DD went into meltdown when told she couldn't go with her friends afterwards - did you involve her in the discussion about it, tell her in advance or was it presented to her as a done deal?

I do think the CM is worth a shot. I suspect that the difference in your DD's behaviour or happiness gained by the change in childcare for a couple of hours per week, will be small if any, so it's worth going down that route and seeing if it helps before making any further decisions on your working pattern.

I really like the idea of CM, but unfortunately CM's availability means I would still have to work 4 days, as she can only do 1 long day. I had mentioned to DD in advance about not going on to after party. However as I say I do feel very guilty about this. Mishandled. I am not blaming DH though as I wasn't there and didn't see how bad her behaviour was.

Oh I see about the CM - that's too bad.

Would it be possible for you to take a bit of annual leave and cut short one of your working days until Easter hols ( I assume you aren't as dependant on annual leave as some of us as your DH has the school hols ).

That way you could trial it and see if not being in after school makes any positive difference to your DD without you having to change your hours.

I suspect the problem is a lot more deep rooted so I'm not convinced a couple of hours per week in after school will make much difference one way or the other and I think people have been harsh on you - I suspect the answers would have been very different if you were talking about to reduce your working hours instead.

But you do matter too, so it's worth exploring the options before doing something that may be detrimental to your mental health.

Yes rookie totally agree problem is more deep-rooted. I just wish I could discover what it was!! Whenever I ask DD about what's troubling her, I just get a huge list of incidents at school ... X said this, Y said that, I did this, X didn't want to play with me etc. This is why I'm thinking it's school-related anxiety ...
Don't know how to deal with it though!!

To be frank everything you say about your DD sounds very familiar. She sounds very much like my 8 year old.

Have school ever mentioned any concerns about her behaviour? Have you ever considered having her assessed?

Sorry I meant to add my 8 year old has ASD (aspergers). Her main "symptom" is massive school related anxiety. She extremely sensitive, hates change and needs a lot of down time.

She's had a lot of friendship problems at school. I don't think this is unusual in this age group but the main difference is my DD absolutely can't cope with it, whereas other girls shrug it off more easily.

Your DD meltdown at the party is EXACTLY the sort of thing my DD does.

chipface that's really interesting as child therapist also mentioned aspergers. School have never mentioned any concerns though, her behaviour there is great, she will participate willingly in everything, work with peers etc. Other than the after school club where she used to become extremely distressed while waiting for DH, so I changed my hours to cut down her time there.
All her difficult behaviour is at home, or out but in front of family, other than at the party today and on a few other occasions.
How was your DD's anxiety showing itself at school?