not to adjust my work hours to pick up DC from school every day?

[runningLou]

I work 3 days per week (21 hours) - DC are in breakfast club 3 mornings, and after school club 1 afternoon, so I drop them off 2 days out of 5 and pick them up 4 days out of 5. Last year I was working 9-3, school hours, 5 days per week in a job I found really stressful and ended up with MH issues. Changed jobs, and how have 2 school days to myself per week which has done wonders for my sanity and efficiency.
But, DD (8 yo) doesn't like the school club - she was originally going 2 evenings per week and I have already changed my hours once to cut that down. She is still not happy there, very unsettled until DH collects her. DS (4) is fine.
I am hesitating about pulling her out of the school club entirely as a group of girls also attend whom she is having problems with in her class also - peer pressure, friendship tensions etc. We have been in touch with the school about this and they are doing pastoral interventions but I think it would probably be good for DD not to be around them for an extra few hours per week.
I have been looking at childminders but I have only found one who could do similar hours and it is almost twice the price of the club and she charges a retainer for out of term time.
I was saying to DH last night after DD had become hysterical at bedtime (tensions at school are coming out at home a lot at the moment) that I should really just change my hours, work 4 days per week school-hours only, and pull DC out of childcare. We would be a bit better off too. But, then I would lose the time that has really been my saviour this year, and the time I would spend with DC after school is not really quality time (DD in particular is frequently very bad company as she is so tired and needs to offload). Is it selfish to be dithering?
I am not term-time-only but could work my hours over 3 days in school holidays to have more time with DC. DH is on hand for holidays luckily (teacher). WWYD?

Sorry, didn't think my first post loaded

Gazelda yes, I'll be honest and say I am reluctant! My job is mind-numbing, and parenting DD is very tough, and I am very stressed and anxious all the time. I find if difficult to unwind other than when alone. But, that doesn't mean I wouldn't change my hours for DD!
Johnny I gave DD a similar choice the last time I changed my hours. It was she who opted for the breakfast club option. I think this time it will just be a ... 'Dad and I have decided ...' thing. I don't think she can cope with decisions like that at the moment!

One day in after school care is really, really not much in comparison with most working families.

If there's bullying going on at school and school isn't managing that well then the issue is that, not the childcare.

Another option would be a childminder or even nanny if that's affordable!

Work impact for you is also a factor. School hours and office hours (meetings etc) are often not compatible! I leave work early 4 days out of five (and commute so DC are in after school care on those days anyway) and it's pretty stressful!

I guess I just feel that I would be giving up something I know does me good (a day at home) for something that will potentially have very little impact on DD's attitude. I don't think that not being in childcare will solve the problem - far from it. And DS is absolutely fine at the club, really enjoys it.
Still, I suppose if there is a chance it might do DD good I should take it!

My Ds1 is also 8. He loves school and has no friendship issues BUT he still comes home tired and somewhat frazzled some days, and needs what he calls some "relaxation time". This is often in direct conflict with what his little brother (3) needs, which is "big brother time", having missed "his boy" all day. So we have a compromise - DS1 gets a bit of relaxation time on his own in his room; and after that he has to come and join in with the rest of the family. DS2 is not allowed to bother Ds1 during this relaxation time.

There's no set period for "relaxation time" because both boys also do activities some evenings, DS1 more than Ds2; but it generally works.

So my point in bringing that up is that your DD is not unusual in wanting some "down time" away from everyone else, regardless of her school issues.

But, on that point, if she's having a tough time at school because of these painful girls, then I can totally see that having to spend any extra time in their company would just piss her off/upset her immensely; and because I sympathise with how she would feel about that, I'd try to avoid forcing her to put up with it and change my hours, if I were you.

The issue is the bullying.

My DS was bullied so badly at his primary school I took him out. School were utterly useless with all their "friendship issues" nonsense.

Within days he was a different child.

Imagine if you were being bullied at work? a few extra hours off work every week would't really make much difference to your mood and quality of life would it?

3littlefrogs did you find another school for your DS?

I don't think the after school club is the real issue, it's the bullying. Reducing the club won't change that as she will still be at school with, them. This will affect her learning too, my son was miserable at his last school, they didn't help at all. I called the local schools and one had space, he was moved very quickly and turned into a very happy boy again, and was work improved massively. Can you do this?

runningLou Could you change your hours temporarily?

There's only, what, 3 weeks to the end of term, so perhaps you could swap, then go back to normal during the holidays, then go back to your usual pattern, then resume the new hours if DD is still unhappy? Once you reach the summer holidays, hopefully she will be happier, whether in the current class, new class or new school even.

I really understand that you need to protect your MH, but sounds like DD is really suffering right now too. As someone suggested she perhaps needs to see that you are totally on her side, and making changes to help her, and all that "lovebombing" type stuff. Getting her back on an even keel is best for her, and you (and the rest of the family) and then you should be able to go back to your preferred working hours. in the meantime

Yes. This was many years ago - I don't know how the system works now, but you could try ringing round your local schools and see what the waiting lists are like.

When dd started at her primary school they rang me a year later to ask if I needed a place further up the school as they knew she had older siblings. the older ones were in secondary school by then though.

I just found that schools are generally hopeless at sorting out bullying.

Oh goodness, poor kid - is the stuff the school is doing making no difference. And it is tough on you too. In my daughters class, she was not being treated unkindly that way - a couple of other girls were, and DD lived in fear of being next. She complained of tummy aches for nearly two whole terms, which I put down to anxiety. What I suppose I am saying is that your DD cannot be the only one feeling like this, and the rest cannot all be in thrall to the ringleaders. Have you spoken to other parents? This helped us a lot. Does the teacher get it? We also focussed on out of school friendships and activities as much as we were realistically able. It doesn't sound like the school is acting strongly enough on this.

FWIW I think you should keep her in A/S club. I think you need to be strong and you need the mental space to be able to support DD as best you can. This isn't selfish you-time bollocks, it is necessary self-care to do your job as a parent as best you can.

strongswans you must have read my mind I just called a local school and they have a Y3 space. I am visiting next week.
Would be very difficult though as they don't have space for DS so would mean 2 x school runs and different holidays (we are on border of 2 LAs and schools are in different ones).
May just all be too disruptive ...

Go and visit, then, if you think it might be a good move for DD, sit down and consider the travelling.

You never know - a space may come up for DS. Families move all the time.

I wouldn't I'd try to resolve issue with the school and childcare.

I used to do 24 hours over 5 days so no school aftercare needed, now do same over 4 days and it works so much better.

2 days off for you term time and in the holidays 2 days at home with family is worth it. I assume your employers are flexible but there are limits i'd worry about asking to change again so soon

Are there any children your DD is friends with that would have her instead of club. You can offer to collect theirs one day or have in hols to reciprocate?

I'd change my hours personally.

Based only on your OP, I would change your working hours if you could. IME when there are problems of bullying behaviour in school peers, it can become worse in a setting outside of school where there maybe isn't the same level of supervision / teacher.

I think a lot of your DD being hard work is likely to be directly related to the anxiety she is experiencing at school. I also think it is really important for children to know they have the wholehearted support of their parents.

its a tough one, as without the bullying she would be fine. cant you make a short term hours adjustment to look after her? surely the school must address this issue no?

Moving schools is a nuclear option, surely?

Have you escalated the issue with the school if you're not confident in how it's being dealt with?

It's not clear whether or not a small change in childcare would benefit DD or her behaviour.

Your own MH is important too.

This boils down to 'should I change my work hours due to bullying?' to which imo the answer is 'absolutely not'. The bullying is the problem and needs to be stopped.

Keep on and on and on at the school. Keep escalating as needed, to involve the teacher, head of year, headteacher, governors... Ask them for a copy of their anti bullying policy.

Don't let your MH deteriorate so you end up totally ground down. You are juggling a lot of stuff here.

Well, OP I would stick with the 3-day week that you're currently working and find a way to work through the problems your DD is having.I think the school should help work out what is going on and I am not convinced that changing your work pattern is going to be a solution, e.g. are you completely sure that it's the club situation causing the problems, could your DD be stressed about school work/tests etc and friendship groups at playtime, not just club?

I think I have a similar set-up to you, I have two DDs (aged 9yrs and 7yrs) I work 3 days per week and my DC go to breakfast club, I collect them 4 days per week. They have one day of afterschool club and neither of them likes going to that. The breakfast club is only 15 minutes which they are okay with. It's the 1.5hours of after school club that they dislike. I have the option in work of switching to 4 short days per week, which would mean I could collect them from school everyday thus avoiding the dreaded after-school club which they moan about each week. I'm not saying that our situation is identical of course but the reasons I haven't swapped to 4 days are:

• Both me and the family generally benefit from my two days off work as I get loads of housework and food shopping done (and present-buying etc for parties) and this would eat into our weekend somewhat if I swapped to 4 days
• Swapping to 4 days would mean I'd have an extra day in school holidays where I would need cover/childcare for them. At the moment I only need to cover 3 days
• Swapping to 4 days might not bring about any change in behaviour of my DD1 (who is very demanding/tries to control me) and I don't believe the DC would be grateful to me anyway. DC always want the next thing, they always find something to moan about.....
• My mental health, I struggle with anxiety already so my anxiety would be off-the-scale if I didn't have those two days off work on my own
• The DC could change their minds at the drop of a hat and start enjoying afterschool club or find an activity club at school which they could attend for an hour and then go to afterschool club,

In terms of your DD and the friendship groups, the summer holidays will come around soon enough and the next school year could well bring changes to friendship groups etc. who knows

With all the love in the world for my DDs I still would really would try to get to the bottom of the problems in school and seek the help of the club aswell otherwise you risk 'running away' from the problem if you see what I mean? I would try to tackle the issues and build DDs confidence as best you can and teach her to deal with what is happening. So many children go to school clubs every day, your DDs are lucky to have you most of the time. I know people will think this is harsh

I know people will think this is harsh because your DD is getting so upset, but at the same time you cannot teach your DC to run away from a problem, they need to be shown that you will tackle the problem and speak to the school and stop those girls from making your DD feel like an outsider in a place where she should feel safe.

Changing your work pattern is fairly drastic and won't change the fact that those girls are in school with your DD at playtime etc. Your guilt about working is making you think that you can sort this out by avoiding after school clubs but the problem may well still be there.

Sorry for such long posts!

CherryPlum have you had a child in this situation?

My DD had something similar, but the girls involved were subtle so it never seemed that bad to adults. DD is now having trauma therapy due to the long lasting effects.

OP I would certainly look at the new school, discuss bullying openly, and see if their is any chance a place will open for your DS. Being safe and secure at school is essential.

I would also take your DD to see your GP and see if there is any counselling or other help she can get.

No need to say sorry CherryPlum I am really grateful for everyone's thoughts and you seem to have a very similar set-up like you say. I used the same reasons as you for justifying my current working pattern. I also suffer with anxiety and need time on my own to deal with it.
I am trying to escalate things with the school and DH and I are hoping to have a meeting next week with pastoral lead, assistant head and class teacher. I just think the behaviour of this group is so ingrained, they have never been challenged and it is a real struggle to make such a fundamental change.
DD is no angel and I am under no illusions that she is always pleasant to the other girls and always a victim, but the constant power struggles and nastiness in the group have made her very insecure.
I am at a loss as to how to tackle this tbh. As I said I have seen a child therapist and GP for advice and we are also involving school.
DD gets hysterical if we mention speaking to school - obviously that isn't stopping us from doing it but it is very hard to show her that we are dealing with the problem.

mummytime yes I took DD to GP this week. General health fine, however due to some of the language she has been using when upset (hating life, wanting to kill herself) she will hopefully be referred to a counsellor. Long waiting list though ...
Absolutely yes IKWYM about the girls being subtle about it. I think much of this is invisible to teaching staff and so is not being taken seriously.

I have mentioned the idea of changing class, and changing school, to DD. She shrieked hysterically at me (default mode) - I think she is still so keen on being accepted into this group that she cannot see beyond that to how it might be harming her.