not to adjust my work hours to pick up DC from school every day?

[runningLou]

I work 3 days per week (21 hours) - DC are in breakfast club 3 mornings, and after school club 1 afternoon, so I drop them off 2 days out of 5 and pick them up 4 days out of 5. Last year I was working 9-3, school hours, 5 days per week in a job I found really stressful and ended up with MH issues. Changed jobs, and how have 2 school days to myself per week which has done wonders for my sanity and efficiency.
But, DD (8 yo) doesn't like the school club - she was originally going 2 evenings per week and I have already changed my hours once to cut that down. She is still not happy there, very unsettled until DH collects her. DS (4) is fine.
I am hesitating about pulling her out of the school club entirely as a group of girls also attend whom she is having problems with in her class also - peer pressure, friendship tensions etc. We have been in touch with the school about this and they are doing pastoral interventions but I think it would probably be good for DD not to be around them for an extra few hours per week.
I have been looking at childminders but I have only found one who could do similar hours and it is almost twice the price of the club and she charges a retainer for out of term time.
I was saying to DH last night after DD had become hysterical at bedtime (tensions at school are coming out at home a lot at the moment) that I should really just change my hours, work 4 days per week school-hours only, and pull DC out of childcare. We would be a bit better off too. But, then I would lose the time that has really been my saviour this year, and the time I would spend with DC after school is not really quality time (DD in particular is frequently very bad company as she is so tired and needs to offload). Is it selfish to be dithering?
I am not term-time-only but could work my hours over 3 days in school holidays to have more time with DC. DH is on hand for holidays luckily (teacher). WWYD?

I'm not at all sure if taking her out of school childcare will make her happy Streetcar, I think there are far deeper issues than that, but it might help her relax a bit more, maybe ... and help me feel less guilty about not being able to help her feel better.

Not really the point of your thread but it sounds like your DD is having a real tough time of it with her "friendship" group - is there another form she could move into? Or potentially a different school? That may sound extreme, especially as the school seem to be addressing it, but I would be concerned that she may have another 3 years of this.

Maybe childminder is expensive, but I wonder if you could find a local teenager who would be able to walk her home after school and stay until you got home?

People saying put your child first don't seem to understand that if your mental health is suffering, that will also have an effect on your child.

Is the breakfast club and after school club run by the school staff, or simply run on the school grounds? It might be worth checking, because they may be unaware of the dynamics at school.

If you did go to four days, would she then need a fourth session at breakfast club? That wouldn't necessarily be any better than after school club, if it's the same children.

Is there a way you could get a different bit of time for yourself? You said you'd be better off switching to 4 days, could you use some of that extra money on something for you? A hobby, club, cleaner, someone to come and take dd out for a bit after school to bridge that grumpy gap?

Oh - and I know my child at that age was obnoxiously awful at that age after school. She needed a meal, not just a snack, as soon as we got home, and would then have a small supper before bed. Seemed daft feeding her baked potatoes etc. as we came through th door at 3.30, but it made the evenings much more bearable. She still now needs decompression time after school - no demands, minimal conversation and access to TV or computer whilst she shakes off school stress.

What are you doing about her deeper issues? It is starting to sound like you don't like spending time with her, and the comments about her rudeness and her "God given" TV time, sound horrible, like she rules the roost & the you resent it.

Only you & your dh can change that!

I do see that you have reduced your days, but look at it this way. You are an adult & couldn't stay in a situation that made you unhappy/ill. So you did something about it.

But you seem to be asking your 8yr old to stay in a situation that is making her unhappy.

Why are you expecting more of her, than of yourself? She is tiny & has no control over the situation.

I think she needs to see you making a decision to help her. I would change days and baby her for a while and make the most of your remaining day off.

I'd change the hours so they don't go to childcare. I know it means losing the time to yourself but is that all it's cracked up to be? I had MH issues and it was far better to be busy than have time to myself to dwell on things that were unpleasant.

different I absolutely love spending time with her! I just miss the happy, cheerful little girl she used to be. She has become so, so difficult to handle and won't compromise on anything. For example, I would love to bake with her after school sometimes but she always refuses as she wants to isolate herself with the TV to unwind, which I respect, though it is difficult. There is some resentment on my part. I have put boundaries in place with DH but she is constantly pushing them.
Natty if I did 4 days the DC wouldn't be in childcare at all.

Not really the point of your thread but it sounds like your DD is having a real tough time of it with her "friendship" group - is there another form she could move into? Or potentially a different school? That may sound extreme, especially as the school seem to be addressing it I don't think it sounds like they are addressing it...they appear to be being rather passive about it. Friendship groups...with kids who bully you? How many adults would go to a friendship group with a colleague who bullied them?

People saying put your child first don't seem to understand that if your mental health is suffering, that will also have an effect on your child And what of the child's mental health? This situation IS already having an affect on the child, isn't her mental health important too? Why does she have to suffer? There is a compromise to be had here.

OneFlew I would really like DD to change form - there are 3 classes is her year. However both DH and I have asked school about this and been told no. I will request again if things don't improve at all with these workshops they're doing.
Am reluctant to change her school as she moved 2 years ago when we moved house. Initially she was fine after the move but this year (y3) has been increasingly difficult.

Pushing her boundaries is normal, you have to keep them firmly in place.

She just isn't a kid who wants too much attention after school...I have one like that too. After a while she is all love & hugs. But just as I allow my dh space to unwind, and ask for space to unwind, I have to respect their need to do so too.

You never know, this may improve if you change your hours. I would try it, because you don't have anything to lose, do you?

different I agree that the school could be doing more. DH and I have requested a meeting for next week with the pastoral lead as we are unconvinced about the whole workshop thing.
I have also seen a child therapist for advice about behaviour strategies, and the GP about DD's potential mental health issues ... currently waiting for a referral to family counsellor but long waiting list.

I used to work four days per week and have a day to myself which was wonderful for my mental health. But my oldest's behaviour was awful- he hated the after school arrangements and ended up with a day exclusion from school. So I changed my hours so I worked over five days and could collect him every day. I put my child ahead of myself. In your position where I'd still get a day to myself AND do what my child needed there wouldn't be any doubt that changing hours would happen! I'd love a day off per week by myself- it is a luxury.

I am absolutely trying to respect her personal space after school - have accepted she needs at least an hour to unwind with no contact. Just find it difficult when she is then unable to cope with family tea time and bedtime ... Realistically family life cannot revolve around her at all times but atm she is unable to compromise at all.

I think your a parent so when you can you put your child's needs first. Whatever the root cause she's unhappy and she thinks this would help. I'm not sire why you're dithering really, you'll still have 1 day to urself.

But how easy is it to chop and change your work hours? I work 21 hrs over 4 days but had to have a new contract drawn up, new annual allowance calculated etc (due to bank hols)...those saying to give and try and you can always revert back are taking things for granted.

Personally I'd hate to see my DD that upset and I think I'd make the change

My manager was ok about the last change, so I think it would be alright ... I would have to talk to her about it. A lot of my colleagues work odd hours / from home, so they're normally quite flexible.

If you worked 4 days, wouldn't those days be more relaxed for all? No breakfast club or after school club, opportunity to have friends over to play or go to the park in the afternoon, and still 1 day free for yourself.
This seems to me to be the best compromise for everyone's benefit.

Gazelda yes I think they would be more relaxed for the kids ... but not for me!! That is however my MH issue.
At the moment DD is not happy to go somewhere for a snack after school, or play in the park, and as mentioned upthread she doesn't want people over. Maybe if she was more relaxed though, she would gradually get into more normal activities again ...

If she encounters these kids at breakfast club 3 days a week then it's not just 1 afternoon that is the issue. Does she do breakfast club and after-school club on the day she's struggling with? 8am-5pm or 8am-3pm surrounded by people who bully you is not a pleasant situation for her.

It sounds like she's not, or wasn't, a bratty child so I'd be trying to rejiggle things because she sounds desperately unhappy and it sounds like the current set up isn't helping you or her because it's moving the issues to being between you two.

lalalalyra she struggles every day ... these girls are a permanent fixture sadly, and she has little time away from them. That's why I'm starting to think the extra 4.5 hours weekly of breakfast and after school club are not helpful.
She isn't bratty. She's very troubled, I think, as she really wants to be accepted into this group and yet she isn't fully, and she also doesn't like some of the things they do.
She resents me and DH hugely, as we are trying to impose boundaries, whereas she feels like home is a place where she should be able to do what she likes after being anxious at school ... I think ... all this is guesswork!!

Have you talked with the out of school club that she isn't having much fun and can they see what any problems might be or what they can do to help her get more out of it? Most are keen to help kids and if she needs to chill and get away from pressures at the end of the day like a lot of tired kids they can help with that and set up an area or activities for her to do it. That might give you an extension to see if things can improve before you make the final decision to pull her out?

I understand that runninglou but you've got a chicken vs egg situation here.

Unless your DD's happiness improves, her behaviour is unlikely to.

You may have to struggle through a few weeks/months to resolve what's causing the problem for her, but surely that would be worth it for her future happiness and wellbeing?

To be honest, and I understand from experience how MH can affect people, you seem very reluctant to compromise one 1 of your 2 free days.

It's a tough situation OP as your MH is absolutely vital to your family's happiness. I would offer DD some options - childminder, after school club, or mum picking up. Maybe nothing would make her happy . If it is just the club then you have to hire the bullet work wise or money wise and go for childminder

• bite the bullet work wise

I understand that runninglou. But I think you've got a chicken vs egg situation here.

Until your DD's happiness is resolved, her behaviour won't. But if you changed to 4 days it would give young the time and space to address what's happening for her.

To be honest, you seem very reluctant to compromise on 1 of your 2 free days for the sake of your DD's wellbeing.