...to call my daughter beautiful?

[tangerino]

This is something I really struggle with. I'm a feminist. I want my daughter to grow up valuing herself for who she is, not her looks (as I imagine all mothers do, regardless of whether they identify as feminists). I keep reading things which say it's wrong to refer to a girl's looks, what they're wearing etc as it reinforces cultural ideas that this is what's important about them.

And yet...I find it physically impossible not to call my daughter beautiful (when taking to her, I mean). Obviously it's not the only thing I say about her- I also talk to her about her abilities, how hard she's tried with something, kind things she's done, whatever. But I do find that I call her beautiful a huge amount of the time- I just can't help it because I find her overwhelmingly lovely a lot of the time (I don't mean this in a "my daughter's a stunna" way, but rather that I just find her physically lovely as part of loving her, if that makes any sense).

Do other people find this tricky? Do you think it's harmful to girls to say too much positive stuff about their appearance? Am I overthinking it?

By 15 they've been bombarded with a million images and messages about how highly society values beauty. They know it's important and need to hear it.

I call all my boys handsome, tell they're respective partners they look lovely or something suits them, it doesn't mean that I'm reinforcing negative stereotypes. As long as they know they're not loved solely for their looks then what's the big deal?

I tell my sons they are beautiful all the time, because they are, on the outside and in the inside.

It's an interesting thread, growing up my mum was very keen on making sure I was happy and confident without having to compliment my appearance and I remember getting ready for a dance at school and asking her do I look ok? she relied, "well yes but that's not important is it?" and in my 16yr old stroppy mood I shouted "bloody hell mum will you just tell me I look beautiful at least once"

So I would say, as like most things in life, it's all about balance.

It's like in Love in a Cold Climate (or the Pursuit of Love, I always mix them up) on Linda's wedding day and she asks Nanny if she looks beautiful, and Nanny tells her to hurry along now, nobody is going to be looking at her. :)

(hope I'm not butchering a memory there!)

Icanteven- I've not heard of either of those books/films ?

My mum was also one for never saying well done and I would show her a piece of work and she would say well are you happy with it? Did you try your best? That was all she cared about, lovely in one sense, but sometimes you just want over the top praise!

HP, I think 'You tried so hard' is very generic and has a ring of inauthenticity to it (if that's a word). If I were to discuss a test result, (I wouldn't because I think the preparatory effort itself is the main thing and everyone has a bad day occasionally even with solid preparation) I would only ask the child how they felt about the result. Two or more Fs even with great prep and I would be wondering what was missing from the approach, because patterns are important. I agree praise for effort can come across as forced or artificial. Maybe the trick is to not comment about every single squiggle your child produces. Too many comments makes a child think everything needs assessment and feedback becomes the object, which defeats the point just as much as praise for results.

Up to about age 12 or so I never mentioned their clothes (I bought them all after all) or how they wore their hair apart from basic decisions about hair style, or made any other remarks about their appearance unless we were going somewhere that demanded a certain style of clothing. It was the done thing that everyone took a daily shower and brushed teeth twice a day and after that they could do what they wanted. I think there is a time when children appreciate and actually can use a little feedback on their appearance from someone whose judgement they trust. Up to puberty, I don't think appearance warrants comment. Handsome is as handsome does.

When my children got to be teens (youngest is now 14) they had indeed already absorbed many messages about what 'beautiful' is. I made a point over the years of never commenting on appearance and ignoring celebrity culture, but it seeped into their lives to some extent anyway.

Someone gave us a copy of Teenage Beauty by Bobbi Brown when DD1 was about 12 and it was a really great, sensible advice, basically about bringing out your best features. I liked it because it assumed everyone has at least one feature they can show off or feel happy about. I acknowledge that how you feel about your looks is important, but I do not think it is wise to imply that there is any definition of beauty; if you are happy about how you look, that's all that is important, and that can arise from specific advice and approval of specific elements just as much as blanket 'you're beautiful' statements. Maybe even moreso. There comes a point in every young teen's life when 'you're beautiful' just sounds like mum being kind. I am sure even models occasionally look at themselves in the mirror and find something to be bothered about.

My DDs liked long hair, nail polish, makeup it made them happy and I was happy to see them happy. If it flattered them (or otherwise) I said so, and tried to be detailed and specific 'that eyeshadow brings out the green in your eyes' or 'I think that lipstick swamps your other features' or 'I think dark blue washes you out'. I have two redheads and one strawberry blonde among the DCs, and was able to point them in the direction of mascara and eyeshadow that solved problems they felt they had due to fair eyelashes. It definitely gives confidence when you have dealt with some problem or other. I would not have helped them if I had told them they were beautiful and left it at that, and any other pronouncements I made on appearance would have been discounted.

I am not a mother who objects to leg or armpit shaving or experimenting with different looks, whether they do it or whether they don't. They know I have their back when it comes to putting their own version of their best foot forward, appearance-wise. I will traipse around twenty two shops to find a prom dress that makes DD2 feel she has nailed it. To me it's a question of supporting them as they branch out into the world, not narrow focus on achieving a certain look.

They also know I also appreciate many other elements about their approach to their appearance and personal maintenance -- that they take good care of their teeth, that they wear sunscreen and don't try to tan, that they spend their own money on all their makeup (earned from babysitting and other part time jobs), that they research products and get good value for money.

I think there is an element of saying 'you are beautiful/clever, etc' that is really harmful, and that is the implication that there is a specific standard of 'beautiful' or 'clever' that can be aspired to, or in the case of a 7 yo child hearing it, believe they have attained. I think it is important not to give the impression it's something fixed in stone. 'Beauty' whatever it may be is in the eye of the beholder, and what may be popularly considered 'beautiful' can be fleeting. Wrt 'clever' I think it is really important to avoid giving the impression to a child that there is such a thing and they have attained that status. Double edged sword is a phrase used by a pp^^ and I think that sums it up well.

Math it all sounds very sensible and similar to what I do with my girls, which is to help them to the extent they are interested in their appearance, but not fuss about it if they are not, unless it borders on uncleanliness!

I was just reflecting earlier on having strategies of speaking to children in a certain way. Perhaps I'm slightly scarred by the fact my parents and family read a lot of alternative books on how to communicate, and started saying things like 'I hear you' a lot, and I think children are quite clever at seeing through your strategies as a parent and knowing what effect you are trying to achieve.

I also agree that your mum saying you are beautiful is like water off a duck's back, and in and of itself, is not sufficient to built self-esteem. But it's still nice to know your mum or dad thinks you look good/have good qualities even if it isn't utterly convincing!

I worry about this too

I call my DD beautiful but she's not even a year yet

I appreciate where you're coming from and I agree about teaching children that it's not just about looks but I can't help but wonder what would go on in the head of a young adult who was never told they were beautiful?

You sound balanced in using other compliments so carry on saying your DD is beautiful. Growing up I was only ever complimented on my intelligence - so never felt beautiful. My younger sister was only ever complimented in her beauty - so never felt intelligent.
Now, people often say my DD is the image of me - I look at her and think "but SHE is beautiful"
I'm a feminist too. I compliment everything I can about my children. I do it equally, fairly, I compliment achievement, effort and also offer constructive criticism. Most important to me is to tell them every day I love them and I'm proud of them.
Loving the comments that complimentary parenting had led to armour plated self esteem!

I've read the same articles and found myself overthinking this too!!

I try to balance out the positive praise for good behaviour and being clever with compliments that she is beautiful and my gorgeous girl. Don't let these articles be damaging to you and your relationship with dd - just because someone writes something in a blog/article doesn't make it definitive for all parenting.

I was someone who was called ugly (not by my parents) at an early age and i believed it. Definitely didn't hear beautiful enough, the damage had been done. I still do not have great self esteem. I want my dd to not have the same hang-ups as much as possible. So she does get called beautiful everyday, but also funny, crazy, helpful, kind and gets praise for trying to do things. She is only 2. I would like her to know when she is older, that it is okay to 'dress up', wear make-up and think 'i look good' (positive self esteem) but that equally you have plenty of other great qualities like kindness to round you out as a person. I hope it works!

I think as long as you say her other attributes (cleverness, kindness, etc) are also great , it's fine!! :-)

I know it's a cliche', but beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Define 'beautiful' anyway. Every child should seem beautiful to its parents, inside and out, at least most of the time! And so long as you are doing as you say OP, which is to praise them for all their other attributes too, then no harm is done.
I have been told by my own mother not to call my own DD (8) beautiful, "too often", in case it makes her vain. I ignore her and call her something positive, whether it's regarding her character, her looks, her strength or her quirks, every day. My mother only told me I was beautiful in my later teens, by which time I really thought I was a minger, so I happen to think that you are very much doing the right thing, OP, or else how do we raise our kids' self-esteem?

I call my daughter beautiful, because she is beautiful to me (when she's in a good mood & smiling at any rate - lol!). I also call my son handsome, because he is!! I praise other facts of their personality, when they've done well, etc too. Agree that beauty is in eye of beholder and both mine have physical attributes that are not deemed ideal, but am talking about the whole package - lovely smile, sparkling eyes, gorgeous hair etc.

I think the thing that gets really swept under the rug though is that not everybody is beautiful and it would be nice for us not-beautifuls if less emphasis was placed on its importance.

But that's probably fighting biology so it isn't going to happen!

splendide, not everyone is pretty, I agree. But everyone is beautiful in some way or to someone, and about 90% beauty is confidence. I was always fascinated by watching the Top Model shows where the girls were really so NOT pretty at all, but in shots they looked absolutely stunning.

I'm not sure I agree Merry although I think you're a nice person to think that everyone is beautiful to someone.

I completely disagree that beauty is 90% confidence. I agree beautiful people tend to be confident but I would argue they are confident because they're beautiful not the other way around.

I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day. I also tell her she is funny, clever, helpful, kind, creative, silly, lovely, amazing... the list goes on. If I was just telling her she was beautiful, then I would worry about it, but she knows looks are not that important. Her priorities at 2.5 are having fun, being kind and helpful and enjoying a wide range of toys ('boys' and 'girls' toys) and experiences. There is a huge difference between telling your dd she is beautiful and giving the message that it is the most important thing.

Splendide, read Tomatosizzy's post at 11.33 on Friday 11th about Brazilian women. It really hit a nerve with me. I have a friend who is not beautiful, but she is oh so confident and always dressed beautifully, puts a lot of effort into her appearance, has her own style. People are always saying how beautiful she is, but if she dressed like me, and walked like me (slumped shoulders, low self esteem) I very much doubt ANYONE would think she is beautiful.

It's an interesting point. Although I try to praise various attributes of my daughters, and certainly hope i don't give them the impression looks are the most important, it can also be really necessary for self-esteem to tell them they are beautiful.

My 9 year old has glasses and just had her hair cut short in an inverted bob (her choice, she insisted on it) and she looks lovely. In a recent conversation she said in passing "I know my sister's the pretty one" as if this was accepted fact. 7 year old sister has long curly hair and no glasses. But I have never implied or thought of one as prettier than the other, they are quite different looking but both lovely. Since that conversation I have been at pains to point out times when someone has commented on how pretty she looks on Facebook or similar because I don't want her to think of herself as the "not pretty" one.

I was raised with a very conscious "if you are feminist you shouldn't care about looks" slant to my childhood. Consciously and consistently.
The trouble was my sister wasn't.

I was forbidden "beautiful", make up, non practical clothes.
She was denied being seen as a 'clever one'.

I am very conscious to be as balanced as possible with everyone now.

And not to confuse internalised misogyny with feminism ie just because the patriarchy abuses beauty, should we reject beauty or the patriarchy's ideas about it?

Squiz, so how has this affected you and your sis now? And how come it was so different for you both?

I struggle a with this issue too. Though I grew up never being told I was beautiful or pretty. I was a bit of a tomboy, so didn't really mind when I was little. But I'm very insecure over my looks, and I just can't accept it when my husband calls me beautiful, I have no self confidence in that department at all, I hate seeing photos of myself, and never dress to draw attention to myself. The women on my husbands side of the family are all so confident, they happily pose for cameras, and like to dress to impress etc - I really want some of that for my daughter! So I give her all the non-gendered praise I so she knows that real value comes from within, but I also tell he how beautiful she is, and that beauty shines from her personality. I also tell my son I think he's beautiful/handsome just as much!