...to call my daughter beautiful?

[tangerino]

This is something I really struggle with. I'm a feminist. I want my daughter to grow up valuing herself for who she is, not her looks (as I imagine all mothers do, regardless of whether they identify as feminists). I keep reading things which say it's wrong to refer to a girl's looks, what they're wearing etc as it reinforces cultural ideas that this is what's important about them.

And yet...I find it physically impossible not to call my daughter beautiful (when taking to her, I mean). Obviously it's not the only thing I say about her- I also talk to her about her abilities, how hard she's tried with something, kind things she's done, whatever. But I do find that I call her beautiful a huge amount of the time- I just can't help it because I find her overwhelmingly lovely a lot of the time (I don't mean this in a "my daughter's a stunna" way, but rather that I just find her physically lovely as part of loving her, if that makes any sense).

Do other people find this tricky? Do you think it's harmful to girls to say too much positive stuff about their appearance? Am I overthinking it?

Thanks for all these thoughts.

GS&V, I'm not confused at all and can only assume you've misunderstood my post. My concern relates to the various things I've read which suggest that praising appearance can lead to girls feeling that looks are disproportionately important. There are quite a few studies which suggest it can do, hence my wondering what people think about this, whether other people make conscious efforts not to discuss appearance etc, or whether they take such findings with a pinch of salt. Feminism is hugely important in how we raise girls to have a sense of self-worth in a culture which disproportionately values appearance, don't you think?

I personally see calling someone 'beautiful' as being more than about just looks - it's the whole person, inside and out. As attractive as someone may be, I would never think of them as being 'beautiful' until I got to know them, their heart and character. If these things are 'beautiful', then the person is 'beautiful' to me. Maybe that's a bit soppy, but certainly the way I view it since I've become older.

Also, you mentioned that you always praise your daughter on her efforts/abilities/qualities as a person, so it's very well rounded I think. One last point is that when I was a little girl my parents didn't often tell me I was beautiful (not a criticism, just not their thing), and it was only a word used when I was wearing a pretty outfit with my hair and (when older) makeup done nicely. Although I'm more confident now, I still struggle to feel 'beautiful' just looking like natural me.

I call my boys beautiful everyday - but I don't mean it 100% superficially, I mean their little hearts and personalities are beautiful. I know, pass the sick bucket!

But I totally get where you are coming from re girls. Feminism to me is equality - so you teach your daughter she can be beautiful, smart etc, everything men can do she can too.

Beautiful doesn't mean 'pretty'.
It means the person has beauty, which can take many forms, including (but not restricted to) being physically appealing.
I call my daughter beautiful very often, and it isn't a comment on how she looks.
I also call my sons beautiful although tbh they sigh and laugh.
Beauty is attractive, but not all attractiveness is beautiful.

Op this has made me smile...I read the same things and now my DDs and I have a running joke as I do often tell them they are beautiful...
I've told them I am not 'supposed' to call them beautiful and the reasons why so when I do I then say - 'sorry - you look really intelligent' - or 'sorry that was a really clever thing you did yesterday' or 'you look beautiful ....(long pause) and are intelligent'
Don't overthink it - or make it into more than it is - you are allowed to think and call your DCs beautiful as long as that isn't the only compliment you pay them or all you value you them for...

I don't think it's harmful to say many positive things about a girls appearance, mum and dad use to do it to me growing up never done me any harm. Just things like being daddy's beautiful princess or saying that top/dress/jacket looks nice, your new hair colour is nice. It is good to be complemented!
Feminism to me means everybody's equal so you can be beautiful,smart

OP you are doing the right thing calling your daughter beautiful! Children need to hear they are beautiful so they don't grow up thinking they are ugly ducklings! How will she know she is attractive if her own mother does not tell her?! It will not make your DD vain, just more confident. Being/feeling intelligent and accomplished and beautiful are not mutually exclusive things you know.

My own mother and grandmother always told me I was beautiful (realistically my looks were ordinary) when I was growing up and it contributed to me having a healthy self esteem. I know I could never be a model but I feel attractive.

What would probably be harmful is if you started comparing her looks with others but you are not doing that so it absolutely is not a problem.

Years ago, when she was a larger lady than she is now, Dawn French did an interview and in it she explained that she had a very positive body image because her father had always told her she was beautiful as she was growing up, not once but many times. With that grew her confidence.

I read somewhere that it is very important for dads (more than mums) to tell their daughters that they are beautiful, clever, bright, thoughtful, kind etc etc. I tell my daughters these things (and my son) all the time but my DH finds it harder. I keep prompting him. The media define everything through female body images so it is really important that girls today feel happy in their own skin and own a sense of self confidence. Tell your DD that she is beautiful ... and your DS too (if you have one). And then tell her again.

Once they get a few years into school they will know where they are in terms of physical attractiveness. You can tell them they are beautiful every hour for the first 10 years of their lives but it won't make any difference once they are out there in the harsh judgemental reality of their peer group.

Let them know they are loved and valued for something other than their physical appearance so that when they go through adolescence and young adulthood they are not totally convinced that the judgement of their peers is the only valid judgement.

I call my dds (2 and 4) beautiful because the thought crosses my mind a lot! I also compliment them on many other things. Dd1 is very good at giving and receivING compliments.

I always knew my parents loved me but they never said I was beautiful nor have many photos of me on display. I grew up insecure and felt ugly. I'm not blaming them, but I absolutely want my daughters to know that Dh and I find them beautiful

I tell my dd that she is beautiful quite a lot. And that I love her and that she is kind and clever. Girls are super aware of their appearance in any case, so I suppose that commenting positively on that and other attributes might help the way they feel about themselves.

As a mother of boys I am very aware of what I see commented about to do with girls / women. I can't but help to feel a big uncomfortable with FB posts that say how beautiful various girls / women are. I know that appearances are appreciated but I do think there is much more emphasis on womens looks than on mens.

My ds age 5 and 4 call me their beautiful mammy, their lovely mammy etc. So what? They love me, I love them and tell them all the time Im proud of them for any achievements and will kiss and hug them at random times whilst telling them I love them.

On the flip side I will tell them when I'm disappointed in their behaviour etc.

Isn't that normal parenting?

tangerino YANBU calling your daughter beautiful. You are saying other positive stuff so that is great. You are slightly over thinking it BUT I do agree it is very important how we talk to both boys and girls and that looks are not the top thing all the time that we place our value in. Because:
a) not everyone is as lovely as MY daughter (or son) but all our kids are probably geniuses
b) We don;t want our kids to place too much store by looks as this can lead to some negative consequences (IMHO)
c) We will all age and get a lot less lovely in time, so best to place are values in a variety of things.....

I often tell my sons they are beautiful. they are young and see beauty as a personality trait.

My take on this is influenced by having a mother who had bulimia. I gave it a lot of thought and decided not to address my children's appearance.

I think it can be a negative when a parent tells a child who or what they are. So I never told they were smart either, or lazy, or mean, or kind, or wonderful either. Not in terms of - 'You are kind/smart/lazy/mean/wonderful'. All of those adjectives are faits accomplis (French?). All of them are just a parent blurting out a surface impression. None of them acknowledges the developing character. It fixes a child in a certain spot and may prevent a child from gaining their own sense of who they are and what is important about them. I feel that giving a child ownership of their sense of self is really important.

None of the adjectives adults throw about focuses a child's attention on the process they are engaged in - developing good habits or getting a better understanding of other people's feelings. I would say 'I liked the way you shared the spade in the sand pit today', hoping to encourage that sort of behaviour next day too. Or I might say, 'Maybe some day you will feel like sharing the spade with that girl in the sandpit.'

When they got work back from school I usually had a conversation with them about how they had approached the task - listening to the instructions, making sure they had sharp pencils or whatever, working steadily without too much chatting to their partner, thinking about how they could make what they were doing better, what extra detail they could include.

Focusing on the end product or the fait accompli doesn't teach much. Executive function skills happen when children are helped to focus on the process, the organisation, the concentration and the commitment to produce 'best effort' work. Focus on the end product ('Wow, you got an A!') ignores the all-important process. Talking about the process gives children ownership of their own work, and they can be pleased or otherwise about their end product. They can decide for themselves if the mark they got was fair. Focus on the end product eventually feels like feeding the parent, emotionally, and it can end in burnout or apathy, lack of ownership in the work, in general.

Mathanxiety might be overthinking it, but I follow the logic. It's a hard approach to adopt with very small children though as it's too complex.

I would have said an occasional "beautiful" was fine, but I think I'd avoid it being limited to special occasions with nice hair and nice dresses. If anything, it should be when she's active and comfortable.

Snore

Smart and clever are not achievements though. Labels like that are a lot to live up to, if you've been told that is 'what you are'. What happens to that concept of self when you hit division of fractions and you don't get it immediately?

I agree with a pp who said it was a habit we get in to. I also agree that we need to take the emphasis off looks for girls. Everyone once in a while, fine. But shouldn't be part of the norm...what happens if something changes and she is no longer (conventionally) pretty? You may still find her beautiful (I'm sure you would) but she'd know other people don't. And that it's important that they do/don't.

lifeofI It is 2 am. Go to sleep, if you're tired?

She is not 'smart' if she solves a problem. She has demonstrated other qualities in her approach to the problem. Tenacity, creativity, enthusiasm, curiosity.. She is not 'tenacious', 'creative', 'enthusiastic' or 'curious' either. She has just demonstrated those attributes while working. You are describing how she worked, not her as a person. She gets to decide what she is as a person. Your role is to teach her what the best qualities are to bring to her daily life.

And if she demonstrated those qualities and still got the problem wrong, those attributes would still be perfectly fine.