...to call my daughter beautiful?

[tangerino]

This is something I really struggle with. I'm a feminist. I want my daughter to grow up valuing herself for who she is, not her looks (as I imagine all mothers do, regardless of whether they identify as feminists). I keep reading things which say it's wrong to refer to a girl's looks, what they're wearing etc as it reinforces cultural ideas that this is what's important about them.

And yet...I find it physically impossible not to call my daughter beautiful (when taking to her, I mean). Obviously it's not the only thing I say about her- I also talk to her about her abilities, how hard she's tried with something, kind things she's done, whatever. But I do find that I call her beautiful a huge amount of the time- I just can't help it because I find her overwhelmingly lovely a lot of the time (I don't mean this in a "my daughter's a stunna" way, but rather that I just find her physically lovely as part of loving her, if that makes any sense).

Do other people find this tricky? Do you think it's harmful to girls to say too much positive stuff about their appearance? Am I overthinking it?

I call all my children beautiful, I don't just mean looks either. For example I would also say that was a beautiful thing to do, or that was a beautiful thing to say. So the word beautiful means anything positive. It's important to value your self as a whole person. In the teenage years the face and body start changing and therefore they do become the focus of a lot of young lives. A child that feels confident about themselves during that time will probably cope better.

I wouldn't worry too much anyway because for most they are more interested in other people's opinion on their beauty, mums opinion doesn't count because most mums think their children are beautiful.

I call my sons beautiful if that's any consolation, and their little selves... well they are!

I try to praise all sorts of different things, such as 'you were very brave doing X in the swimming pool even though you were scared,' 'you tried really hard to climb up that and YOU DID IT!!!' or, 'we'll try again next time and you'll get there,' or 'thank you for helping' or 'it was really kind to let Johnny share your grapes' and 'you are my beautiful lovely funny little girl' is part of that. I think it's ok as long as you appreciate all their qualities and not just their looks.

I totally share your concern, OP. I find it hard not to call DD 'gorgeous' quite a lot of the time, but worry that I am just reinforcing her idea of what matters. She seems to have absorbed plenty of that nonsense already so don't want to fan the flames. But have also heard that it is important that a girl feels attractive to build (broader) self esteem. I just tell myself that as long as it is just one of many compliments I pay her it's ok. I also tend to point out sexism in the media etc. when I see it so hopefully she will grown up with a broader awareness of what matters. let's not get on to how to explain why I use make-up to her

My concern relates to the various things I've read which suggest that praising appearance can lead to girls feeling that looks are disproportionately important.

This sounds like something my Mum would think (she was a young woman in the 60s and 70s). I WISH she had told me I was beautiful growing up. I now don't think I am, don't value my appearance at all, although others used to tell me how pretty I was when I was younger. I remember a friend of hers once telling me I had a beautiful smile when I was 15 (27 years ago!) and I treasured that comment so dearly for years, and still remember the occasion vividly. I was clever, and was often praised for that, got great exam grades etc. because I believed I was clever. But I never believed I was pretty.

I want my daughter to grow up valuing her appearance as well as other attributes. They are all part and parcel of who you are. It's not just what's on the inside which is important, although it is more important I agree, but the outside is the way you were made, and should be valued/ taken care of etc.

I think it IS important to attribute the beauty to looks, not just a vague comment of 'you're beautiful'. Eg. you have such beautiful, silky hair. You look so lovely in that colour, it really suits you. By the way, if you saw me, you would be surprised that I think this way! I very very rarely wear make up, only wear trousers and look a bit of a mess generally. But I don't want my daughter, or sons for that matter, to be that way. I compliment all of them on how they look at times.

The thing is (of course) that being beautiful is a huge advantage in life and we are most definitely not all beautiful - although all young children are I think.

Splendide, true, but we are all beautiful in some way. We all look good in certain colours or styles (eg. I have good legs and feet!) or lovely smiles, or lovely hair. That is why I think it's important for our kids to know as they are growing up (especially in teens) in what ways they are beautiful. If you go through life believing you are not beautiful PHYSICALLY in any way, it is a massive disadvantage, because even if you have a conviction that it is not very important, actually to 90% of the world, it is important, and you will end up with poor self esteem. (I am speaking from my own experience).

I grew up knowing I was not beautiful physically in any way.

Before DD was born I remember saying to DP that I felt this way. She's six weeks now and I call her beautiful all the time - but I also call her clever, funny etc...

Sorry posted too soon - it's true I meant to say. So there's not much anyone could've done to stop me noticing that.

My interpretation of beautiful is aesthetically pleasing. I don't think I have ever used it when addressing someone, I may use it when talking about a view or a piece of art etc.

I don't recall ever being called beautiful (I'm not) and that may have helped me to not praise/judge others in terms of physical attributes

Every child needs to hear how beautiful they are IMO it lets them believe it.

I want my daughter to grow up valuing her appearance as well as other attributes

Why? I've watched my beautiful mother really struggle with her looks fading as she aged. I would hate for my daughter to think if her looks were in some was "damaged" or she was disfigured through illness or accident that a valuable part of her was ruined. Or that her mother thought less of her now.

Our girls will learn if they are beautiful or not. The whole world will tell them, it might be nice for them to have one person who matters saying it doesn't actually matter what you look like if you're a good human.

To me confidence is difficult to achieve and easily destroyed.
I praise every aspect of my kids. The way I see it. ..there'll be enough people willing to chip at their confidence in the future.
I admire looks and achievements but equally encourage them to strive to be the best they can be.

Probably the hardest job in the world growing people.

Splendide, I bet you are beautiful in some ways. I really admire people who are not traditionally 'beautiful', but who value their appearance and really know how to make the most of themselves. Self confidence is very beautiful, and part of being self confident is feeling good about the way you look, at whatever age.

squastastic. I know in theory. But in reality, the whole world values looks but the one person whose opinion matters most, your own mum, doesn't think your beautiful in any way, or never says it anyway just in case you start putting too much emphasis on looks. It's very very undermining, I believe.

Squashtastic, also occurred to me that if your mother is into 'looks', perhaps she was good at making you appreciate your own appearance - or the opposite? I don't know, but maybe you are coming from an opposite extreme to me. I know my own mother always thought she was ugly (she was stunning, and is still beautiful), because she was Asian when most of the country was still white, and because her own mum had huge issues over looks (she was dressed as a boy until she was about 6 as her Dad wanted a boy and she was 'ugly' so she could pass for one when younger). My Mum and Grandmother were both strong women, so they coped with this by deciding looks are just not important and this is what I will pass down to my kids. Really, it is more like: "I believe I am ugly because I was never told I was beautiful, so I am going to devalue looks totally, because it is too painful for me to acknowledge."

I am determined to break this cycle with my own daughter and sons (although it will probably be less important to them, sadly)...and I really do hope she will value the way she looks as well as everything else she has been blessed with - musical ability, dance, art, Sport, writing - as well as 'character' stuff - kindness, empathy, generosity, perseverance etc.

I call DD beautiful and DS handsome, because they are.

squashtastic you say your mother's looks are fading. I find it really sad that beauty in terms of looks is only reserved for the young. That is the wrong attitude and may be why so many people are worried about making such a big deal about beauty. Beauty isn't young, skinny celebrity models. You only have to look at older women to see beauty with age. My mother in law is stunningly beautiful as a 63 year old woman. I work with a lot of beautiful older women, but then I live in Brazil where beauty is appreciated, is mentioned and is not so rigid. I want my daughter to grow up knowing that facial beauty is only one part of the whole package and that facial beauty can come in many many different forms. I worried when we moved to Brazil that the culture would put pressure on her to be physically beautiful but I have to say that the opposite has happened, she is less concerned about her appearance as everyone is beautiful. By that I do not mean that Brazilians are more attractive, they are not (that is a stupid stereotype) I mean that Brazilian women have a lot more confidence regardless of their beauty. It is actually refreshing rather than restrictive and my daughter has no hangups about what she wears and what she looks like.

I call both DD & DS beautiful, mainly because I think they are but also because my parents never said it to me & I think they are the people who should think you are & tell you so. Everyone is beautiful in some way.

It's hard to unpick.

Obv. we read all the stuff about not teaching our children to place undue value on physical appearance, but when we call our children beautiful, or think they are the most beautiful children in the world, we don't mean it objectively the way you might say Monica Belucci is beautiful, we mean it because every square inch of them is perfect. Their tiny little shoulderblades, their feet, their necks, their fingers. I'm sure my daughters will grow up to be perfectly nice looking, but that's not what I mean when I say they are beautiful now. It's the shoulders and chins.

So... the anti-beautiful people. Would your 15yo get dressed up for a party, put lots of effort into how she looked and you wouldn't say, "You look beautiful, lovely, gorgeous, so pretty." (Probably not all of them at once!).

Understand your fears as I struggle a bit with this too. My lovely Mum has a habit of gushing about my 4 year old DD's beauty as soon as she sees her, makes her give a twirl etc.

I read somewhere that you should tell your daughter she is beautiful, but in a throwaway manner: "good morning, beautiful." Etc. I suppose this conveys the message that of course she is beautiful, but it is the least of what she is.

I would never have dressed up at 15, but if I had my mother would never have said anything to me. I had no confidence. I was not really sure I was beautiful. Someone said I was at 14 and I half expected my mother to disagree, not because she ever said I was ugly but because she NEVER said I was beautiful. MerryMarigold your description of her mother and self image sound very familiar.

Yanbu. I tell both my ds and dd that they are smart, funny, kind and beautiful everyday.