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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to uninvite this child

111 replies

brotherhoodofspam · 09/03/2016 23:04

More WWYD. DS, 11 and 2 other boys from his class go to an activity once a week in the evening and the parents take it in turns to have then round after school for tea before taking them to it. I've offered to do it this week and I know this particularly suits one if the other mums as she's away at meetings. The day after inviting them I found out from DS that they've been giving him a hard time at school, one of the boys in particular (who used to be his BF) - e.g. having "blank days" where they all blank DS or today not letting him play football as didn't want to get DS germs on his ball, also in the past slagging the food I've made, being horrible about DD's pets etc. It's mainly instigated by ex BF but he's v popular and small school (9 in year) so everyone else tends to follow his lead. I'm going to put a stop to the after school socialising but don't know if I can do it for this week as the arrangement's made.DS also asked if I could speak to this boy's Mum about it but I think this would be really difficult and wonder if discussing with the teacher would be better or if that's just cowardice on my part - DS doesn't want me to tell the school. The boy's mum is lovely and I think would be mortified if she knew what a little s**t her son's being but it's a v small community and I just don't know how to have that conversation without making things really awkward. DS goes to secondary school in the Summer with a much larger group of children so I was hoping things might calm down for a bit after the holidays then he wouldn't have long to go at primary anyway. Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:

defineme · 09/03/2016 23:13

That is pretty serious bullying for primary school and the school needs to be informed. ..surprised they haven't noticed if it's that small. I am afraid that your ds could have no self esteem left if you let it continue for another 4 months. I wouldn't approach the mum. I would just say play date no longer possi le or convenient.

ShoppingBasket · 09/03/2016 23:13

As an adult I wouldn't like going into work in that bullying atmosphere. It sounds absolutely awful, having blank days! Horrible little shit. I'm afraid this is one place you've got to step up and stand up for your son, awkward or not. You need to speak to the school.

Original poster

brotherhoodofspam · 09/03/2016 23:16

Thanks for both replies, my preference would be to speak to the school as well but DS didn't want me to, I think I could talk him round on that though, it's hard to think rationally about what the right response should be when you're so angry.

OP posts:

Alasalas2 · 09/03/2016 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaggingTits · 09/03/2016 23:38

That's awful. Especially at primary age. Of course you need to cancel him coming round. And yes I would tell his mum why. Surely any decent parent wants to know if their child is being so awfully behaved? Yes it might be awkward but not as awkward as your son must feel.

It's good that he has confided in you, now you need to help solve it. At the very least speak to the school.

LittleBoat · 09/03/2016 23:40

I would rescind the invitation in this situation. Your son does not need this bully in his home. Use any excuse you like and don't think twice about it. Also, don't be tempted to reinstate the arrangement once the bullying stops.

I have done exactly the same thing over lifts to an activity for my son and don't regret it. The friendships are a much more even keel now, and I think adding a bit of distance actually helped with that.

IloveJudgeJudy · 09/03/2016 23:43

I wouldn't tell the mum, but would definitely tell the school. As I said on another thread, your DS is too young to get to decide whether you tell the school or not. He isn't old enough to have the judgement. It's definitely in his best interests for you to tell the school. I agree with the other posters that his suffering this for another 4 months would be intolerable. What little s*s some DC can be .

amarmai · 09/03/2016 23:44

explain to ds that the school will talk to the exbf's mum without telling her who told, but if you speak to exbf's mum , they obv know who told. Your son needs to be able to deny that he got the exbf into trouble. Role play with him so that he can answer attacks without outright lying. We are all allowed to say what we have to defend ourselves against bullies. e.g.'I did not tell the teacher but i shd have as you are a bully. ' ' Maybe it was your mum who spoke to the teacher cause she does not want you to bully"

Mrscaindingle · 09/03/2016 23:44

It's very difficult to be rational when you're feeling so emotional about your son being treated in this way. I would let the mum know as soon as possible that you can't have her son over, no way would I be able to host the little shit after that.
My DS pleaded with me not to contact the school when he was being bullied but it was the best thing we could have done, and it stopped immediately.

Quietlygoingmad67 · 09/03/2016 23:47

^this please don't have this bully in your home which should be a safe place for your son. Your son has talked to you (brilliant because he obviously trusts that you will sort this) awkward or not you need to speak to the mother - wouldn't you want to know if it was the other way round?

BreatheandFlyAway · 09/03/2016 23:49

Cancel out of school arrangements with any excuse you like. Speak to school asap. Keep a close eye on it and don't let it go - if they haven't noticed in such a small community, they're failing your ds. This is very cruel bullying and will affect self esteem. You'll look back and kick yourself in years to come if you let fleeting acquaintances affect your decisions about whether to defend and protect your ds as he needs. Good luck OP and be strong. I've been in same position and have always been glad I acted firmly and always wished I'd done it sooner.

angielou123 · 09/03/2016 23:50

How old is the boy, 11? I would tell HIM he's uninvited and tell him to explain to his mother why that is and if she wants to talk to you about it, then to get in touch. Is that unreasonable?

MadamDeathstare · 10/03/2016 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/03/2016 00:15

No do noth have the boy over again, yes left the school deal with it. Your poor ds .

getyourfingeroutyournose · 10/03/2016 00:20

I would actually talk to the mum like your son said. These boys were friends once and it needs to be established why this child felt is is okay to treat his friend this way. By talking to his mum first, you are giving her the option to handle it but also I would handle it together. What needs to happen is a meeting between the mum and her son along with you and your son. Hopefully she can talk to him and explain how nasty he is being and with you there that gives your son back up and will also make him think twice. The school probably won't even do much but mum can and most likely will. She won't want him being that way but by having a "Meeting" involving all of you there may be a way to salvage this and for her to figure out what made her son act in such a deplorable manner and see that it is not okay and not only will she not tolerate it but neither will anybody else. If it then continues I would then go to the school after explaining to the mum that the talk hasn't worked. 4 months is far too long for him to go being bullied but she needs a chance to give her son a good old fashioned "what for" if she wants it.

Italiangreyhound · 10/03/2016 00:37

Totally agree with getyourfingeroutyournose.

If things have gone badly wrong and there may be a reason, the other boy is very unhappy etc. There may also be no problem for him and he is making problems for your son for no reason.

Please reassure your son this is not OK and you want his input in how to handle it, help him to feel in control but ultimately you cannot allow him to suffer in this way and he needs to understand this.

Good luck.

Please do tell us how things go.

AlpacaLypse · 10/03/2016 01:19

Twice I've not spoken to school about issues because one of my children has begged and pleaded for me not to -and both times in retrospect I wish I had.

Children are largely instinctive people pleasers I think, it sounds to me like your son is falling into that category.

'Blanking' sounds like emotional bullying of the worst sort, it took me many years to recover from it.

Much better to try to do something than to leave it, IMO.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/03/2016 01:39

I agree you should talk to the school; the bullying is after all happening AT school and they should both be made aware of it and deal with it.

I would also find a way to cancel the after-school socialising. Sickness in the house is the easiest option; but if you don't want to prevaricate then you'll need to find a way to explain that you've heard her DS doesn't actually like coming and is making your son unhappy so in fact you'd rather not inflict this situation on either of them.

I absolutely would not have that child back in my house.

Atenco · 10/03/2016 03:22

As a mother I would certainly prefer to be told if my child was a bully, as I am ultimately responsible for what kind of person my child turns out to be. Unfortunately not every mother feel the same way I do.

Parrish · 10/03/2016 04:31

Tell the school. Tell the mum the boy doesn't like coming and it's making your son unhappy. The school will contact her and she will put two and two together. If she contacts you then, then you can speak to her about what's going on. She will thank you, if she's sensible.

I think you've let this go on long enough. All of these children need guidance now.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 10/03/2016 04:40

As they were BF I would text mom -

I would want to know and she may well be better placed to deal with it than school.

I have had better outcomes via parents than school on this issue - if only I'd told mom sooner - schools do not necessarily inform parents if these matters -

Original poster

brotherhoodofspam · 10/03/2016 07:09

Thanks for all the really helpful comments. I think if it were the other way round I'd prefer to be told rather than hear it from the school and there were some useful suggestions for writing this. I'm going to speak to DS again with DH this morning and make a plan, will let you know the upshot.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/03/2016 07:14

Good luck with it, Brotherhood.

Ameliablue · 10/03/2016 07:20

Normally I would speak to the school first about bullying but in this case you have a long standing out of school arrangement so for that reason, I would speak directly to the mum rather than cancelling and making up a reason.

AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 10/03/2016 07:21

If discuss it with the mother too-I would actually be inclined to discuss it with the mother AND her son and watch him squirm!! Sometimes I suppose kids do these things thinking they're cool or whatever and don't realise the harm they can do but we only have one chance to give our children a happy upbringing. I absolutely agree with the op who said you'll kick yourself if you put fleeting acquaintances before your children X

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