WIBU to uninvite this child

[brotherhoodofspam]

More WWYD. DS, 11 and 2 other boys from his class go to an activity once a week in the evening and the parents take it in turns to have then round after school for tea before taking them to it. I've offered to do it this week and I know this particularly suits one if the other mums as she's away at meetings. The day after inviting them I found out from DS that they've been giving him a hard time at school, one of the boys in particular (who used to be his BF) - e.g. having "blank days" where they all blank DS or today not letting him play football as didn't want to get DS germs on his ball, also in the past slagging the food I've made, being horrible about DD's pets etc. It's mainly instigated by ex BF but he's v popular and small school (9 in year) so everyone else tends to follow his lead. I'm going to put a stop to the after school socialising but don't know if I can do it for this week as the arrangement's made.DS also asked if I could speak to this boy's Mum about it but I think this would be really difficult and wonder if discussing with the teacher would be better or if that's just cowardice on my part - DS doesn't want me to tell the school. The boy's mum is lovely and I think would be mortified if she knew what a little s**t her son's being but it's a v small community and I just don't know how to have that conversation without making things really awkward. DS goes to secondary school in the Summer with a much larger group of children so I was hoping things might calm down for a bit after the holidays then he wouldn't have long to go at primary anyway. Any thoughts or advice?

Regardless of whether or not you speak to the mum, you have to speak to the school. They need to know their current supervision is failing and tbh they need to be alert in case the group move on to someone else after the mum's intervention.

Having had to move a child from school because of bullying, I wouldn't speak to the mum about it. It can be surprising how parents react when told their child is misbehaving and having an argument or atmosphere between parents doesn't resolve anything. You'll end up having to go to the school anyway.

Tell the school - this is horrible behaviour from the dc.
Tell his mum you can't have him round and the reciprocal arrangement wrt the activity has to stop. You can decide what to tell her either boys haven't been getting on or full on your child is a bully or its no longer possible but tell her and dont have him round any more.
You can't have a child who treats your own ds like that in your home.

I had similar with a bunch of girls and an after school activity. Sitting in the car listening to the queen bee dictating whose partner she would be at the activity for the next 10 weeks, never once my dd who was sitting next to her. It was too low level to complain to anyone, but still heartbreaking.

Hope things improve for your son at secondary school.

I wouldn't make an excuse to the Mum, I'd tell her there are issues between them at school which school will be sorting out. If the bf does sort himself out and they remain friends, I wouldn't want lies and excuses to cloud things. Truth is best here I think.

Please speak to both. With the other mum, just cancelling without explanation makes you seem like the bad guy here. She needs an explanation - I like the one a PP mentioned about saying you've heard her son doesn't like coming and it's making your DS unhappy.

Then you must tell school, whatever your son says. This is a horrid environment for him and they are failing in their duty towards him if they don't deal with it.

Good luck! Sounds a horrid situation given its such a small school, but it needs to be sorted and if it gets awkward/messy there's only a few more months to get through before the freedom of secondary. But your DS needs to see that you and his teachers are working to improve things for him during those months.

I'd also discuss it with both.

The exbf is not popular at all, the other kids are going along with it because they've seen how he works, blanking is a really horrible form of bullying and it destroys a child's self esteem. It can take years to recover from.

If nothing is done now, then when they all go up to the bigger secondary, where you will have children with already established friendship groups, it will take time for your DS to form new friendships when he's already feeling vulnerable.

Cancel having this boy in your home. Explain to his mother why you are doing this. Make an appointment with the school. If you don't, this boy will continue, because there is no consequence for him.

Bullying destroys lives. Full stop.

They have both blanked him so don't have either of them round.

It may have been the idea of one, but the other went along with it.

I would speak to the school. I would also continue the arrangement for this week and keep a very careful eye on things and go off like a rocket calmly deal with any unpleasant behaviour.

Then depending what was happening I'd speak to the mother and explain why the arrangement is cancelled/can only proceed under certain terms (ie the nasty behaviour stops).

I would speak to the school and the mum. It's not as if you don't know her, and if I were her I would want to hear it first hand.

I'd also cancel and explain why. Your ds has asked you to speak to the other mum and I think it's important that your ds sees you acting on his concerns so he knows you take it very seriously and will continue to trust you enough to tell you should it continue in the future. So I'd tell the mum in the first instance. If it doesn't improve then I'd also go to the school.

I wouldn't make an excuse to the mum and then tell the school. I've had to od this before. Grow a backbone. 'X (mum), I'm calling because this afterschool arrangement can't continue because your son is bullying mine.' The truth. Then tell the school.

And no 'sorry'.

That's really babyish behaviour from 11 year olds.Your poor son like others have said don't have the boy that's instigating it all around your house anymore.

I would have a word with the school because it does need to be stopped.The summer is along way off to a child of 11 and having to go to school 5 days a week knowing that your going to be picked on and excluded is horrible for any child.

I used to teach and I know there were cases were bullying had been going on quite a while with some children(not any I taught)and it hadn't been reported and it had a real knock on affect of the children that were being bullied some suffered with low self esteem because of it which was so upsetting to see and a few became school refusers which was as hard for the parents of that child as it was for the child themselves.

I hope the school jump on it and get it sorted straight away OP for your son.

This is horrible your poor son definitely go into school asap tell the mum the boys don't seem to be getting on and you will be stopping the activity arrangement and you will be dropping him off from now on your bpy is your priority what a shame that it's happening and nobody at school has picked up on it.

Agree with the others - speak to school today. Keep alist of what has been happening when if necessary. Surprised the school hasn't already noticed tbh.

If you keep quiet you're condoning the bullying and letting the bullies get away with it. Sounds horrible for your poor ds. I wold cancel all playdates at your house with this boy with immediate effect too - why should your ds have someone in his house who's being nasty to him?

I'm ashamed to remember that we treated a girl similarly at primary school. I wish that the school had talked to us about it, and helped us to treat her better.

It's a group behaviour, albeit with a ring leader from the sounds of it, so I would say that school is better placed to tackle it than an individual parent.

Interesting responses so far.
I'd still have the boy round and take the opportunity to speak to him directly about his behaviour towards my DS and make it absolutely clear that if it continues, there will be consequences such as reporting it to the school and his mum plus the curtailment of any joint activities.

I would still have the boy round but would start a conversation on bullying with the children and bring up what has been going on. Call him out on his behaviour! Perhaps when he sees that you know what is going on he will change his behaviour. I would be also telling the boy that I will be telling his mum what has been happening!

You can't approach an 11yr old like that it's threatening behaviour

Don't approach the 11yr old. That will not end well and you'll lose the moral high ground. No child is going to take well to being challenged and he'll probably put it back on to your DS or take it out on your DS. The incidents are happening at school. Let school deal with it.

Really feel for you and your DS, OP.

My DS1 had an extremely similar 'BF' relationship at the same age. It started with the blank days, the nasty criticism, but when they got to high school it moved on to hard shoving, tripping up, jabbing, etc along with nasty personal appearance based bullying. Other kids started joining in too and it became ridiculous, especially out of school grounds and at the bus stops where the school were limited in their contol. Fortunately, we managed to move DS1 to another school and he could leave all that behind him and make proper friends and regain his confidence.

Like you, though, we live in a small community and it was an extremely difficult time for everyone once DS1 got brave enough to talk to his teacher about what was going on. The bullying got worse until Ds1 moved school so he was too scared to report again, and yet the other boy changed the story amongst their primary school peers, who live around us, saying that Ds1 had been the bully! DS1 has been fab though and maintained a dignified silence about it, only denying untruths but not talking directly about the other boy's bad choices and actions. I had to maintain a professional relationship with the child's mother where prviously we had been good friends and that was really tough.

The temptation to go in all guns blazing was hard to resist (and in fact it was very difficult to stay quiet until ds1 was ready to talk at school) but we had to keep the balance of protecting DS1 and maintaining a peaceful co-existence in a small village for decades to come. There was cctv footage of the bullying at the bus stop, and another child had filmed the shoving etc at another bus stop on their mobile but I didn't pursue the cctv and refused the mobile footage because by then DS1 had been offered a place at another school - I am glad we made that decision as things worked out well for my DS1 and ultimately it was not my job to correct that child's behaviour or help him with his problems.

OP, I would use some white lies to get out of your short term plans with this child. I would have a discrete word with the teacher about what is going on, asking for the sake of protecting your ds that they only observe and step in as necessary but not call up the kids based on what you say. Chances are they should be aware of some of what it going on. Are the children all going up to the same high school? In a bigger school it will become easier and more natural to make new friends and move on. However the older he gets the more your ds will be alone and need to look after himself so now is a good time to encourage distance from bad people. Encourage your ds to also try other clubs that do not involve these 'friends' so he can broaden his socializing. I know that the gentle and considered approach is not always popular on MN but there are many aspects to life that need to be looked after: the wellbeing of all the children, your family life, your community life, etc and a peaceful last few months in primary.

I think OP meant she will talk to the bully's mother, not the bully.

Have him round and serve him something horrible?

What expatinscotland said. But I would be telling the school today also. It will all be a bit unpleasant for a bit but the two boys have brought it on themselves.

I agree Fizzielove's approach is likely to end very badly. That said I would be wary about cancelling the play dates because it might make things worse from a socialisation point of view. But I also see the value in home being a sanctuary, which is why I would be inclined to have them in my home so I can keep an eye on things and tackle any unpleasantness.

It's tough because it's such a fine balance to strike. One thing that's certain, I think whoever is in loco parentis when incidents are occurring needs to know whether that's school or either child's parents.

The boys might be friends again next week but in the meantime I think I would keep them separate for now not fair on the op son to have both boys in his house when they are picking on and excluding him at school I know they have a tiny class and it will be difficult but the op son has to be top priority till this is sorted