WIBU to uninvite this child

[brotherhoodofspam]

More WWYD. DS, 11 and 2 other boys from his class go to an activity once a week in the evening and the parents take it in turns to have then round after school for tea before taking them to it. I've offered to do it this week and I know this particularly suits one if the other mums as she's away at meetings. The day after inviting them I found out from DS that they've been giving him a hard time at school, one of the boys in particular (who used to be his BF) - e.g. having "blank days" where they all blank DS or today not letting him play football as didn't want to get DS germs on his ball, also in the past slagging the food I've made, being horrible about DD's pets etc. It's mainly instigated by ex BF but he's v popular and small school (9 in year) so everyone else tends to follow his lead. I'm going to put a stop to the after school socialising but don't know if I can do it for this week as the arrangement's made.DS also asked if I could speak to this boy's Mum about it but I think this would be really difficult and wonder if discussing with the teacher would be better or if that's just cowardice on my part - DS doesn't want me to tell the school. The boy's mum is lovely and I think would be mortified if she knew what a little s**t her son's being but it's a v small community and I just don't know how to have that conversation without making things really awkward. DS goes to secondary school in the Summer with a much larger group of children so I was hoping things might calm down for a bit after the holidays then he wouldn't have long to go at primary anyway. Any thoughts or advice?

Difficult one but since you and your DD were watching, so it's not just hearsay from your DS, I think I'd tell them the whole of it.
The class teacher may have a word about the school stuff anyway, so you might as well just get it all off your chest.

So sorry for your DS, that just sucks. :(

I'd be honest "yourDS made it quite clear he didn't want to play with MyDS and was very vocal about OtherDS joining him. I think it's best we leave school to deal with things from now on"

Great that you have not witnsessed it so you can tell the mum as you have seen it. That way protecting your son frm being the one to tell. I would tell her exactly what you witnessed and ask what she would have done if the shoe was on the other foot. Tell her you are teaching your son about healthy boundaries and good friendships.

Tell her what a great shame it is and that the door is always open for her son to come back IF he apologises and return to being the kind/thoughtful friend he once was. Until then, reluctantly you think it is best to keep some distance between the boys.

Meant great that you have NOW witnsessed it, not "not".

The exBF is being very cruel hope it all gets resolved asap

Having been in your position, it is impossible to continue to have a relationship with the mother and it will cause issues in your small community but you still have to do it. I'd speak to the parent with both children there and then I'd speak to the school. Unfortunately ime children like this bully don't change their spots and the parent no matter what you say or they say will always think that you are exaggerating/lying/jealous they think the sun shines out of their child arse and nothing will change that.

He may have watered it down whilst at your home.

Did you speak to BOTH their parents?

I would have done - bystanders are equally responsible for not stepping up.
At least your DS had the sense to walk away

then other boy is afraid that he will be the one left out. Is it possible to invite only the other boy and perhaps get his mother wised up , as I doubt she knows. Or maybe better to say as little as poss outside dealing with the ct.

complaints about having to be in DSs team (at which point DS came in and watched TV and when they came and asked where he was, I explained why)

So they don't want to play with him but want him to be around anyway. Glad your DS is distancing himself.

Sounds like you dealt with it patiently.

I would tell the mums that the boys aren't all playing together, as there seems to be deliberate exclusion of your DS, both at school and out of it. For this reason, the arrangements need to be cancelled, to allow you to protect DS from this behaviour.

Honesty IS the best policy. As much as I can empathise about not wanting to upset the mums etc, they may react angrily and defensive but behind closed doors I bet it would be a different matter and at least then the bullying is at the forefront of the parents mind in future.

I'd be telling the mums that for a while your DS has been very unhappy because the two boys have been repeatedly unkind and these incidents have been witnessed by yourself and your DD and you think that for the time being, it would be best if your DS kept his distance from the two boys.

Being in a year group of just 9 makes it awkward. If your DS is happy to and has other friends to 'fall back on' then I wouldn't move him schools. A lot of the time these incidents die down eventually; although the older they become the more prolonged the suffering and the fall out. It may be that in a few weeks or so the boys are friends again. Who knows! But if your DS is not happy and is lonely, then a change of schools may be best. He may not want that either (fear of the unknown) but usually in larger schools, their peer circle is wider and thus falling outs tend not to be so isolating -most of the time.

You're made the right decision, OP, by deciding to stop the visits. I wish I had had your courage and helped/encouraged my DS to distance himself when the first signs were there, rather than let them get to the point that he was being physically hurt.