WIBU to uninvite this child

[brotherhoodofspam]

More WWYD. DS, 11 and 2 other boys from his class go to an activity once a week in the evening and the parents take it in turns to have then round after school for tea before taking them to it. I've offered to do it this week and I know this particularly suits one if the other mums as she's away at meetings. The day after inviting them I found out from DS that they've been giving him a hard time at school, one of the boys in particular (who used to be his BF) - e.g. having "blank days" where they all blank DS or today not letting him play football as didn't want to get DS germs on his ball, also in the past slagging the food I've made, being horrible about DD's pets etc. It's mainly instigated by ex BF but he's v popular and small school (9 in year) so everyone else tends to follow his lead. I'm going to put a stop to the after school socialising but don't know if I can do it for this week as the arrangement's made.DS also asked if I could speak to this boy's Mum about it but I think this would be really difficult and wonder if discussing with the teacher would be better or if that's just cowardice on my part - DS doesn't want me to tell the school. The boy's mum is lovely and I think would be mortified if she knew what a little s**t her son's being but it's a v small community and I just don't know how to have that conversation without making things really awkward. DS goes to secondary school in the Summer with a much larger group of children so I was hoping things might calm down for a bit after the holidays then he wouldn't have long to go at primary anyway. Any thoughts or advice?

I would cancel for this week, with an excuse that doesn't refer to this. That buys you more time to discuss with your son as to how you, as a family, are going to deal with this.

Our school's policy on bullying is that the parents should always talk to the school, NOT the child or the parents. We are from an ostensibly "naice" school, but there has been arguments between parents and one parent whose child had been bullied by another, took it upon herself to hold the bully by the ear and put her fingernail through it!

Whether you are good friends or not, not parent likes to hear that their child is a bully, and it's crucial that this is handled by a third party (ie the school) who can referee. Be prepared for the fact that this boy may make up stories to his parents about how your son is the bully and turn on the waterworks. It can get very uncomfortable. I have a friend whose yr 6 boy has been bullied mercilessly by a former BF, and his mum now blanks her and refuses to engage. It is really tricky.

I say all this, NOT to stop you saying anything, but just to ensure you do it the correct way. Get your son to keep notes of everything that happens - when, where, who was involved, what happened.

Please do reinforce to him that it's not his fault. I would also consider looking at some self defence classes or similar. It's not just about being able to protect yourself, but they are very good at building self esteem and often attended by other children who've been in the same situation.

I would also consider stopping the activity and changing it for something else, or if he really enjoys it, finding a different class. It will be very uncomfortable for him to go to an after school activity with

sorry, posted too soon - with his bully and friend. The bully might encourage the children who attend this class also to join in. Find him a safe space - different class where he is not known.

Hope this is helpful and your son finds a way forward. Bullying is horrific.

tell the school today. The trouble with telling the mother is that just as you believe everything your DS tells you it is likely that she will believe whatever her DS says.The school are (a) impartial and (b) actually there when this is happening.
I think it is too late to cancel for tomorrow really.The old adage 'Never fall out over kids' is true.The boys might well be best of friendsagain next week, but your parents' friendships don't heal so quickly!

Don't have him round, be extremely specific to the mother and tell her why. No sorry, matter of fact, can't continue, so what if its inconvenient for her, her DS is to blame. Can't have a child that bullies your son in your home environment totally not fair.

I hope you don't negotiate with your son to get him to back down on what he has told you. It's a huge deal, and your son simply has to see you springing into action immediately to defend him. Please don't let your own anxiety about confrontation make him feel like there is no point coming to you for support.

I hope the school step up, OP. They are obligated to deal with bullying and should know how to go about it without making matters worse for the victim. What a shame they don't appear to have noticed anything themselves, it being such a small class.

DS had a few similar, but more minor, problems with a boy recently. One email to the school and they swung into action. Discreetly, but emphatically. The teacher took me to one side at pick-up the same day and assured me they were on it.

It stopped there and then. In fact he recently went to the boy's birthday party and there are no apparent hard feelings.

I understand that your situation is complicated by your friendship and commitment to the boy's mum, and I think Thumbwitch's suggestion is the way to go. Be honest and matter of fact about why you're cancelling but try not to sound judgmental or vindictive and if she's reasonable she'll see where the problem is and want to help solve it.

Good luck. I hope your son is OK. It's a horrible thing to go through.

I would raise hell over this. Don't let it lie and hope it goes away in four months. Nip it in the bud now, with the school. They'll tell the mum but probably won't name your son, however her own son might tell her so I'd have a word with her too.

Definitely don't let the little shits come to your house. It's your ds's safe space. Or it should be.

Apart from anything else; your ds has asked you to speak to the other mum... Why wouldn't you do that? You ask would it be cowardly to avoid doing so?
Yes, it would. Your ds trusts you enough to ask you to fix this. Don't let him down.

Speak to the school, even though your son doesn't want you to.

A similar thing had happened to my DS when he was in year 5. It had been going on for a few months, but as soon as he told me, we went in to school, the teacher sat them all down as a group (my son included) and talked to them about how their actions made others feel. It resolved the problem over night. Sometimes that can be all it takes.

I was lucky that once all the parents found out, they ALL came round with their kids to apologise.

I don't think it would hurt to cancel the arrangement, if the mum asks why just say that there seems to be some issue between your DS and hers, and you are going to the school to see what's being going on.

I agree with other posters, OP. Leave the school to deal with it. But that does mean you need to be proactive asap and inform the school. Have a look at your school's anti-bullying policy online.
When our DD was being bullied earlier this year, we downloaded a copy and took it with it to meeting with the deputy head/phase leader. Made us feel more prepared, in case they didn't believe us or take it seriously. Luckily, they did and have been amazing. Haven't had to interact with the other child's family at all and it hasn't been awkward either.
I think that letting the school deal with the bullying makes sense of several fronts - it's their job to look after your child and protect them, in loco parentis. Plus, it's far less likely that anything gets too personal or nasty between families.There is always time to talk to the other child's parents, should you need or want to, after this has been sorted out.
Good luck either way and

Sometimes you have to go against your child's wishes for their own good.

DD still doesn't know DH and I have had a meeting with her head of house about our concerns. She wouldn't have wanted us to to in but she is 12, we are her parents with responsibilities and we did what was best for her.

Cancel today. Talk to the school.

Normally, I would say leave it with the school but as it sounds like you know her quite well I would also speak to her first otherwise she will find out from the school. Explain to her that you have to speak to the school as well as you want them to keep an eye on the situation. If I was that mum I would want to know, I would be horrified if my children were bullying and would want to put a stop to it.

Also, if the class only has 9 children in it I am amazed that these blank days are going on without a teacher noticing. Are the teachers ignoring this to make their lives easier?

I wouldn't listen to my child on this, I would act in their best interests and talk to the teacher. I don't think it would ever go well if another parent approaches another to tell them their child is a bully, I think it would be better coming from the school. I'd also be more mortified to have a parent tell me and I'd rather it came from a more neutral party.

I would cancel and not let him come around. I wouldn't lie as such but I would just say you can't do it after all this week and alternative arrangements need to be made for the future as you won't be turn taking anymore. If she pushes for a reason, you can say there has been issues in school and leave it at that.

My DD didn't want me to talk to her teacher when she was being picked on (DD is 5 though), I ignored this and went straight in, teacher wasn't happy and was straight on it. No issues now. I wouldn't have approached the girls mum over it.

Be careful talking to the other mum. Protective instinct/deafness kicks in!
The other mum in our situation (see my previous post) totally refused to see what had happened, closed down to any attempts at talking, and typed up a cribsheet for her son to read out in the school meeting. Never assume reasonable and fair people will see clearly when it comes to seeeing their kids might be bullies.

A phrase I've used in similar circumstances was "there seems to be a bit of friction between them, maybe we can give them a bit of space from each other. I'd be glad to help resolve it though, I know (my son) is pretty unhappy about it"

But I also spoke to the school early about the problem, and they actually stepped in harder and tackled the whole thing well.

Good luck, this is rotten for your poor son

9 boys/pupils in the year and the school haven't noticed?!

Sorry, tried to update earlier but no Wi-Fi at work. Just to clarify, there are 9 in his year group, composite class of 20ish. Icanteven, I don't know why you think I would try to negotiate with DS to play down his story, it's taken him long enough to tell us at all, if I used the word negotiate it was to negotiate with him to let us tell the school as my preference would be to take any action with his consent. So many of you have dealt with similar situations, it's a great help to hear from you, Welliesandpyjamas situation sounds particularly similar and I must say I was having thoughts about changing schools last night but I think that might be a bit premature at this stage now I'm feeling a bit more rational.

DH, DS and I discussed it this morning. Both DH and DS think we should go ahead with this weeks plan as cancelling might make things more difficult for him. I do have reservations about this and will be supervising very closely. DS agreed to let us speak to the teacher and I emailed her this morning hoping DS and I could do this together this afternoon, unfortunately she's away so is going to phone me tomorrow unless DS agrees to speak to the acting head teacher (but I don't think he will as he doesn't know him). We also decided that after tomorrow I would tell the Mums that we don't want to do the regular after school thing anymore as the boys don't seem to enjoy coming at the moment. (Thanks for that suggestion). So will see how things have gone today and let you knew how it goes with the teacher tomorrow. Thanks for all the advice and kind words.

Good luck I hope it is sorted quickly

Well that didn't exactly go according to plan, the acting head must have been told that we had an issue so took matters into his own hands and spoke to DS this afternoon then to 3 of the boys then got DS back in with them all. He thinks they were told off when he wasn't there because one was in tears and the other 2 looked shocked. However when DS was there, BF said DS had called him stupid (which DS denies) and teacher said "well you can't really complain about what these boys did if you say things like that" he apparently also said "it sounds like you're a bit sensitive to things and that's why they've blanked you". I'm going to wait till I speak to class teacher tomorrow to make sure DS hasn't got the wrong end if the stick but if that's really what he really thinks I'll be livid - what sort of a message it's that to give DS that he's probably brought the bullying on himself?! I've told him in no uncertain terms that it's wrong, it's not his fault and he's done the right thing but feel quite undermined and wish he'd (HT) had waited to speak to me before wading in.

Urgh sounds a mess but can be sorted mind you your son may have said that keep an open mind HT should not have said he was sensitive though

Yes I agree DS may have said it although I do believe him when he says he didn't, it's not beyond possibility but even if he did, it doesn't warrant days of being blanked by all the boys in his class.

Hi OP

I just wanted to let you know that I was in a really similar situation to your DS when I was in primary school. There was one girl who would tell the rest of the class not to talk to me for days at a time. For no reason that I am aware of. It was pretty miserable!

My mum asked the school to deal with it and they were useless - their solution was to for me to sit in the library by myself at play time.

So Mum taught me how to deal with it myself. Next time the ringleader decided I was worthy of her friendship after a week of being ignored I told her that I wasn't interested and didn't care one way or the other whether she spoke to me or not. It worked a treat and I didn't have any bother from her again. I know it sounds simplistic but I assume she did it to upset me and if it wasn't upsetting me then there was no point.

I went on to make lovely friends at secondary school and am in my thirties now with my self esteem and confidence largely in tact!

I hope you manage to sort it out. The deputy head sounds like he has made a real mess of things. Hopefully his teacher will be able to sort thing out properly.

if you requested to talk to the ct and she instead passed the buck to the ht , who has blamed the victim, then i am thinking this ct did not want to deal with the bullying and that wd make her part of the problem. Is the mother of the bully an influential person in the school/village? Use all of this as a learning opportunity for your son and your family , as this scenario is not an unusual one IME as a parent and a teacher.