WIBU to uninvite this child

[brotherhoodofspam]

More WWYD. DS, 11 and 2 other boys from his class go to an activity once a week in the evening and the parents take it in turns to have then round after school for tea before taking them to it. I've offered to do it this week and I know this particularly suits one if the other mums as she's away at meetings. The day after inviting them I found out from DS that they've been giving him a hard time at school, one of the boys in particular (who used to be his BF) - e.g. having "blank days" where they all blank DS or today not letting him play football as didn't want to get DS germs on his ball, also in the past slagging the food I've made, being horrible about DD's pets etc. It's mainly instigated by ex BF but he's v popular and small school (9 in year) so everyone else tends to follow his lead. I'm going to put a stop to the after school socialising but don't know if I can do it for this week as the arrangement's made.DS also asked if I could speak to this boy's Mum about it but I think this would be really difficult and wonder if discussing with the teacher would be better or if that's just cowardice on my part - DS doesn't want me to tell the school. The boy's mum is lovely and I think would be mortified if she knew what a little s**t her son's being but it's a v small community and I just don't know how to have that conversation without making things really awkward. DS goes to secondary school in the Summer with a much larger group of children so I was hoping things might calm down for a bit after the holidays then he wouldn't have long to go at primary anyway. Any thoughts or advice?

IWillOnlyEatBeans so glad things worked out for you.

brotherhoodofspam I am very sorry that things did not go well.

Re "However when DS was there, BF said DS had called him stupid (which DS denies) and teacher said "well you can't really complain about what these boys did if you say things like that" he apparently also said "it sounds like you're a bit sensitive to things and that's why they've blanked you". I'm going to wait till I speak to class teacher tomorrow to make sure DS hasn't got the wrong end if the stick but if that's really what he really thinks I'll be livid - what sort of a message it's that to give DS that he's probably brought the bullying on himself?!"

That is victim blaming plain and simple!

Kids say all kinds of silly hings to each other all the time. Does this person really think it is OK to bully and exclude someone because of one comment!

If that really were the case surely it would be the other child who was 'a bit sensitive'!!

I hope you managed to speak to all concened and express your frustration, both that this has happened and at the utterly cack-handed way it has been dealt with so far.

Have you got the government guidelines on bullying? It may be useful to go in armed with these and the school anti-bulying policy, if they have one.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/preventing-and-tackling-bullying

www.gov.uk/bullying-at-school/the-law

Good luck.

I'm outraged for you that the acting HT did this. How stupid and knee-jerk!
The class teacher may have flagged it to the HT as a policy matter, rather than expecting him to take over like that, so I wouldn't blame her for it until you hear her side; but him!

I cannot BEAR it when people are told that they are "too sensitive" and need to learn to "toughen up" - no! Other people should not be targeting them!
I suffered from sexual harassment at work in my twenties and was told the same thing, ffs - no! Fucking victim blaming. A school mum friend was telling me about her DD being bullied - PA girl-style shit - and she was trying to teach her DD to toughen up. Nothing wrong with that in itself, but I said to her that she should still tell the teacher as well, since the teacher had the power to move the girls away from her DD in class at least! Poor child was dreading going to school to sit between the 2 bully girls :(

Anyway. yes I know some children do need to toughen up but there is no need to tell them that it's their own fault they're being bullied, that's horrible.

I hope you get to speak to the other mums involved - this has all been escalated far beyond what was necessary by the heavy-handed and inappropriate intervention. :(

You need to get the story the headteacher has been told by other boys. You don't know what they said about your ds.

I hope you get it sorted. I was bullied at school and pleaded with my parents to say nothing - they didnt. The bullying continued until I left school at 16 and it became intolerable. Surrounding me, throwing live cigarettes at me, awful rumours about me etc etc. My parents weren't mature enough to help and I kept it all to myself.
I'm a mum now and I'm the adult. My DD has learnt better skills than I had at her age. I am the parent and will never let her be treated badly. I've spoken to the school twice - including one time about parents bullying my child through their child. She didn't want me to talk to the school and we had a long conversation with my husband about it being our job to protect her and trust me to sort it out with the school. She was pleased with the result in the end. I'm zero tolerance.
Where it was the child bullying my child (not the parent through their child), I did tell the parent. However, my DD has never been invited to this child's house since and they used to have regular play dates - up to 2.5 years ago and still very good friend. i would forget the parents unless you know them as very personal friends and know they are mature enough to deal with this.
Sorry to hear about the schools reaction. It's outrageous and unacceptable. Please let us know how you get on. Hugs.

I've done both - wrote to school 3 times about a boy hitting kicking verbal abuse to DD - this boy had been bullied himself so it was shocking - nothing was done

He carried on in high school so I contacted his mother over FB and told her it had to stop - she had never heard from junior school about his behaviour - but she stopped it! It was instant.

My DD had a brilliant time at school until one day in Year 6 when she was accused of damaging a classmate's belongings by a girl to whom she had never been close. This particular child stirred up several of the others who started accusing DD too. Fortunately DD has loads of friends who stuck up for her but she was obviously quite upset.

I was so livid I emailed the parents of the whole class that evening and explained that this child's belongings had been damaged, that my DD had absolutely nothing to do with it, and I was shocked that some of their children had made this accusation as they had all known DD since Reception. I said I trusted they would make it clear to their children that DD had absolutely nothing to do with it, and also how appalled I was to hear of the damage to the other child's belongings.

I got a number of emails back - all supportive. The Deputy Head then emailed me and said he would have dealt with it, and he was investigating. It was clear he wasn't too pleased by my sending out the email, but so what? The best thing was that he got all the year group together and said that he wanted to make it absolutely clear that DD had not done the damage and that it was totally unacceptable for anyone to start unfounded rumours.

Maybe the OP could do that? You don't have to name names, but I'm sure at least some of the parents would speak to their children about it and point out that this nasty behaviour is bullying and they shouldn't be joining in with it. I expect some of the children really don't want to go along with the bully and feel uncomfortable, but don't want to be bullied themselves so they follow his lead, and this makes him appear to be popular. If you can get some other parents onside that could help.

My tendency in this situation is to have the boys round, but then be horrid to the bully! I know it is wrong, but just can't help myself sometimes. So to avoid this happening (tho you no doubt have far better social skills than mine), you would be better to cancel.
I would definitely talk to the school - its THEIR problem happening on their premises, so don't in any way feel guilty.
Any professional teacher would handle it in a way that meant it didn't come back on your DS, but dealt with it firmly and professionally.

I'm so sorry the HT has acted this way. That man is in serious need of retraining. Surely he hasn't acted in line with the school's bullying policy? Can you get a copy of it from their website and make sure the class teacher sees you clutching it when you go to see her?

I'm really angry for you. I hope it hasn't made things worse for your son.

Not being unreasonable at all. Your instincts are right. BreathandFlyAway was spot on in my opinion. Ideally it would be great if you could talk to the Mum, but it's always unpredictable what the reaction will be. Maybe suggest there's an issue when you cancel for this week and see how she responds. She may well have an inkling that her son isn't behaving well and appreciate the opportunity to address this. Good luck. x

Thank you for the support, I was wondering if I'd overreacted to what the HT said but it's good to hear others agree, however DS is keen that I don't get cross with the HT because he's new and DS thinks he was trying his best! Haven't so far managed to speak to CT but want to hear their take on what happened before I react, it may be that he came down hard on the boys when DS wasn't in the room and was trying lighten things between them when he came back in. He did say there would be consequences if things got worse as a result of yesterday but did it in a joking way -"I'll hang you from the heels and tickle your

Sorry, posted too soon, said he'd "hang you from you heels and tickle your arm pits" which I reckon was him trying to lighten things but I thought was a. inappropriate and b.didn't give DS the impression he was taking it very seriously. We'll see how things go today.

So he threaten to bully them if the bullying continues??

Oh dear!

At the moment I have only heard DSs version of events...

Speak to the school, dont hesitate just keep calm and explain clearly what is happening. Previous posters are correct, you should not underestimate the long term damage that can be done to self esteem through letting this vile behaviour continue. Children are quite capable of truly appalling behaviour without any conscious thought of what they are doing and for the bullies sake too this should be addressed.

You haven't reacted to what the HT said at all. That is so wrong. Why do you only have ds's story about what is happening? The school should be communicating with you directly.

Yes, get a copy of their anti-bullying policy from the web site. Complain if they are not following it.

I would expect the school to communicate with me about how they plan to stop the bullying and support my child and then frequent updates about how my child is doing and how/whether their support strategies are working. Doesn't sound like they are doing any of this.

*You haven't overreacted ...

CT is going to phone at lunch time so hopefully will know more then. DS doesn't want me to go on all guns blazing so I'm going to wait and see what she has to say.

Have spoken to CT, HT does think it's just a falling out between boys so I've hopefully put her straight on that. I managed to stay fairly calm and reasonable although did mention that while I don't intend to do this (yet) my but instinct is to send hIm to a different school and I think she's now aware that we expect then to take it seriously.

Well done. That should focus their attention a little more.

I hope things get sorted now and your DS has had a good day at school today.

Gut instinct, not but instinct!

Wow - I'm so shocked at HT's way of dealing with this. Hugely unprofessional, and an unnecessary escalation, especially given that you were so calmly and responsibly dealing with it yourself. Your initial plan was both pragmatic and sensitive. It sounds like what HT has done has shamed the bullies (which often leads them to react by taking out their bad feeling on victim), and belittled your son and his feelings, ultimately leading to a situation where the victim feels blamed. Talk about a double whammy. I would want to speak to HT (in the same calm, respectful tone you've taken the entire way through this disturbing situation) and explain to him how his teaching method leaves a lot to be desired in the 21st century. I'd also be expecting CT to keep a very close eye on the situation and report back. In such a small school it beggars belief that sort of bullying went unnoticed in the first place. What the heck has CT been doing every break time?

OP what happened when the little st came round after school? How was he with ur DS?
Can't believe he'll have told his mother if she lefts him still come round to ur house.
I personally think I should talk to her, esp now the school is involved and the weirdo HT's part. Wonder how little st will explain than to his mum? And if he is blaming ur son maybe she won't know the truth like CT didn't either.
Good luck

Oh right, so the HT downplayed the whole thing completely as being "one of those things between friends sometimes" and has totally misread the seriousness - good one. Hope you manage to a) resolve it now, despite his intervention, and b) get the message across to him that his intervention was inappropriate and mismanaged.

Bloody hell. :(

And yes, how did it go when they came round, if they came round?

Well they did come round and it wasn't great, I thought after the HT had spoken to then they would at least be a bit more careful. I was watching like a hawk and lovely DD organised some outdoor activities so she could supervise but all the same there were suggestions to run off and leave DS when he went to the toilet which DD squashed, complaints about having to be in DSs team (at which point DS came in and watched TV and when they came and asked where he was, I explained why) and while they were getting changed in DS room they went through his stuff saying it was babyish or rubbish. It was all instigated by ex BF with the other boy not actually doing much. So that's it, they're not coming again. I just gave to decide how much to tell their Mums.

How horrid. I would go with your line of 'They clearly don't like my DS so I cannot see the point in them having to spend more time with him'