... to not leave my husband?

[welcometouniversallychallenged]

On Friday night I found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

He had dropped his old phone in the bathroom. Normally if I saw his phone lying around I'd ignore it (I would never consider snooping, and I thought we had a very open, trusting relationship), but it was his old phone (he had a new one in November last year), so I was surprised to see it at all, and when I picked it up the screen flashed on, showing his texts. Again, this was surprising as the top one showed he'd been texting this week, despite him telling me he had cancelled his contract. I opened them and saw that he was having an extremely elicit conversation with someone called 'Ems', in which he was saying things like he wanted to be with her, and how sexy she is etc.

When I came out of the bathroom I handed him his phone and let him know what I'd seen. It was bedtime, and told him he could sleep on the sofa. He followed me into the bedroom crying and pleading with me to listen to him, that he wanted to talk to me about it, that he was so sorry... I told him I was exhausted and didn't want to talk about it until I'd had some sleep.

We have a two week old baby and a two and half year old toddler.
Because we've just had a baby, this weekend has been manic with people coming to see us/ visiting family/ church etc, so we still haven't talked about it.

I'm heartbroken, completely devastated. But we now have two children together, we've been married seven years, we have just put our house on the market and are looking at buying our dream family house. Two days later, after not talking about it, I'm wondering if I'm ridiculous to consider letting it go and staying with him. He is such an amazing father, and the idea of our family being broken up is almost unbearable.

I should mention that when I was pregnant with our oldest, he did a similar thing - he joined a dating site and started messaging a woman. His brother found out and gave him a good talking to, which seemed to sort him out til now. It's a worrying pattern of behaviour, but AIBU to stay despite it?

vdb yes I have high pressure job and I run a house church.

I think you're right about the attention seeking behaviour, and he does insist it's just the texts and has never met up with anyone irl. He did admit there has been more than one woman - four or five. He has shown me some messages which, though make me feel sick, do indicate that he's never met up with them. Of course I don't know the extent to which I can believe him.

One of the things that stings is that it's been him driving the baby thing. Both times it was him convincing me that it was the right time - I would have been happy to wait. So if it is attention seeking because of the children, it's his own damn choice!

I'm glad you're talking and that it hopefully hasn't spread to actual, physical cheating. Although it does sound terrible enough ...

I hope the counselling helps both of you.

Wishing you and your little ones the best of luck.

"attention seeking" is what 3 yo's do

don't infantilise him ...he is a grown man who makes his own choices

Maybe he wanted you to have babies so you would be busy and not notice his cheating. Or be too vulnerable to leave.

Or a pattern of making/keeping you vulnerable- at home with babies amd unable to drive. Well, wait a little, as you say, learn to drive (funded by the joint not your bank account) make yourself much less vulnerable and able to exercise more choices than you can right now.

Well, that was a Big Win for him there.

I don't think you get it, op

You seem to be assuming this behaviour is that of an inexperienced, slightly naive, bumbling adolescent who has just discovered he can play with his willy and it feels kinda nice but naughty

When it is that of someone very familiar with the sleazy side of sex chats, experienced in deceit and one very focussed on meeting his own dodgy needs at the expense of that of his young family

don't be mistaken...this bloke knows exactly what he is doing...and he has his forgiving wife right on side

again

Remember how recently op went through childbirth. I reckon op gets it, but there's only so much someone with a newborn can do to change things. Doesn't mean she can't plan to change further down the line.

None of what I said discounts the fact that op has recently given birth

I wouldn't take a decision that will leave me alone with two kids hastily.
You have just given birth, you must still feel the hormones and are probably very tired. You have an older child to take care of as well. Give yourself some time before making a final decision.
But definitely start thinking about it and maybe talking about it with your husband when you're in the mood for it.

Movingonmymind exactly. I'm not in any position to leave right now. I need the time to get myself into a more advantageous situation, otherwise it'll be me and my DCs that suffer, and I'm not willing for that to happen.

I urge caution, though, OP. My husband first admitted to 'only' online flirtations. Two days later, the truth came out that he'd had sex with some OW on a business trip.
Check his Google activity history, photos including the trashed ones, and go through his stuff before he has the chance to. That might yield a few more bits of information.

Some advice I was given in a not so dissimilar situation - don't make any decisions for 2 weeks - it proved to be a lifeline.
I have 3 very young Dc and was working partime - husband confess to a 10 month affair - I was devastated of course, but my gut instinct (I think) was survival.
We went to relate and came together in our mutual hatred of her (who focuses everything in me and what I heard was if I had sex with him more it might not have happened)
Anyway, bit by bit we came together again, I trust him again and we have been together almost 20 years.
I am so pleased of the decision I made and really appreciated my friends giving me the space to make my own decision and respecting it.
I also realised how much they meant to me.
I won't lie, it was a fucking horrendous year in which I was close to tears most of the time, but it got better.

I like you, OP. You're brave, strong, clever and funny. Hope he discovers something within himself that will make his work.

this

He is unsatisfied with his life, OP. He might be saying all the right things, but that is because he is afraid he is about to lose his safety net.

What will happen when he feels like everything is secure again, and life settles back into familiarity and routine?

Do you really think he's seen the light, and from now on he will be happily satisfied for the rest of your lives?

Well done op

He has twice completely and utterly failed you at a time when he should have been your rock. It's his cycle you are caught up in. Saying it's an addiction may make you think it's less of a problem. It would be the end for me though.

Well done OP if you don't feel genuinely ready to make the decision. Don't. But it's good that you aren't carrying on as normal.

He offered you access to all his devices. Has he said how you will know you have access to them all? Will you have to check his bank account? Would you know if he eta a payg?

Sometimes access to everything just ends up with your stressed out, going through all his transactions.

I hope you are ok and it all works out for you in the end.

Gang you came back together with your cheating H by joining him in mutual hatred of his OW ?

Wow

Op, suggest you start a new thread when you're ready in Relationships for some support with whatever you decide. AiBu probably not the best place for this.

Mumoftwoyoungkids

Good advice I think.... However, not sure about number 3: 'Never ever have unprotected sex with him again.'

Either the OP decides she can't trust her DH again, in which case surely it's NO sex with him again, protected or otherwise.... Or she decides she can forgive and trust him again (which may be possible - only she can decide that). If she can trust him (and it's a big 'if') then I don't see an issue in unprotected sex.

If she doesn't trust him enough not to be shagging about (and hence the requirement to protection) then is it sensible for her to be still having sex with him?

He said he has a problem with masturbation (addiction followed by severe guilt, fuelled by evangelical upbringing - not by me, I have no issue with him or me or anyone else masturbating). He said this led to a porn addiction, and he has now become numb to porn, so in order to get his rocks off, decided to start having elicit conversations anonymously with anonymous women.

Do you actually believe this?

I hope you are ok OP. If I were you, I would probably carry on as normal, but I would be making plans for my future/escape.

If this was the first time it had happened and he was genuinely contrite I MIGHT forgive him and try and make the marriage work.

But the second time? No. That just shows he has not learned from the first time and there will no doubt be a third.

Like any addiction, it escalates to get the same thrill. For example for the alcoholic one drink becomes 5 drinks. Someone who has a sex addiction may start with masturbating then. escalate to texting strangers then escalate to meeting strangers for sex.

Your husbands addiction will not just suddenly go away. Yes counselling will help and yes he will be remorseful and yes he is probably a very good man in every other way but negative consequences whether carried through or not are highly unlikely to cause a change in his behaviour.

He may "suffer" from this addiction and have to have counselling, avoid temptations, place certain restrictions on himself and therefore on the family by default for the rest of his life.

Couples do survive things like this but it is not pretty and like any addict who tries to refrain, often there are "relapses" on the way, it is likely your husband will fall again on the way to recovery and if you decide to stay you may have to go through this several times. You are already on the second betrayal and the associated fall out. You should be realistic about how this will affect your own mental health if it happens again.

You only get one shot at life, you sound very sensible . It is up to you to decide what you want for you and your children, decide with eyes wide open. Find out as much as you can, google sex addiction, google forums for spouses/wives of sex addicts, there are specialist websites out there with lots of helpful information and realistic advice that when you are ready to make a decision can help you make an informed choice for what you want for your future.

op says he hasnt slept with anyone else.

it seem to me that these anonymous texts were just an outlet at a time that was difficult for op and her dh.

too many people on here rush to give out god awful advice based on their own anger about a situation they know little about. You can seriously fuck up someones life with this "im more angry than you" attitude. OP is a real person living a real life, people should consider this before wading in and telling everyone to screw their life up