... to not leave my husband?

[welcometouniversallychallenged]

On Friday night I found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

He had dropped his old phone in the bathroom. Normally if I saw his phone lying around I'd ignore it (I would never consider snooping, and I thought we had a very open, trusting relationship), but it was his old phone (he had a new one in November last year), so I was surprised to see it at all, and when I picked it up the screen flashed on, showing his texts. Again, this was surprising as the top one showed he'd been texting this week, despite him telling me he had cancelled his contract. I opened them and saw that he was having an extremely elicit conversation with someone called 'Ems', in which he was saying things like he wanted to be with her, and how sexy she is etc.

When I came out of the bathroom I handed him his phone and let him know what I'd seen. It was bedtime, and told him he could sleep on the sofa. He followed me into the bedroom crying and pleading with me to listen to him, that he wanted to talk to me about it, that he was so sorry... I told him I was exhausted and didn't want to talk about it until I'd had some sleep.

We have a two week old baby and a two and half year old toddler.
Because we've just had a baby, this weekend has been manic with people coming to see us/ visiting family/ church etc, so we still haven't talked about it.

I'm heartbroken, completely devastated. But we now have two children together, we've been married seven years, we have just put our house on the market and are looking at buying our dream family house. Two days later, after not talking about it, I'm wondering if I'm ridiculous to consider letting it go and staying with him. He is such an amazing father, and the idea of our family being broken up is almost unbearable.

I should mention that when I was pregnant with our oldest, he did a similar thing - he joined a dating site and started messaging a woman. His brother found out and gave him a good talking to, which seemed to sort him out til now. It's a worrying pattern of behaviour, but AIBU to stay despite it?

I understand why it sounds like I'm sticking my head in the sand, or in denial, but it's really not like that. I will go and have both and the baby checked, because its the sensible thing to do, but I really don't believe he'd have the guts to sleep with someone else. He's had no other 'legitimate' sexual partners apart from me, and I think he creates virtual relationships precisely because he so bad with people irl.
Again, I sort of think it's irrelevant - the sex thing is no where near as important as the lies.

I'm not sure what you want from posting here op?

There is no damn way i'd stick with him, or any one that thought so little of me to do things as he has done.
if you want to stay with him, it's your choice.
we all set a bar for ourselves in this life, how we allow our selves to be treated has nothing to do with anyone.

In my experience though, once the trust is gone, the relationship is over, maybe not just yet, but eventually.

Sure. Keep telling yourself that. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. It's your life.

You're all right, of course, and I guess I knew it. I'm terrified of what this means though. I don't drive, he's the main wage earner, and on the whole I rely on him for everything - this would mean our son couldn't go to nursery, I'd be on my own with two young children, and I'd probably have to quit my job, which I love, after mat leave. I couldn't afford the house, so I also don't know where I'd go. How the hell do people do this???

for me I would feel betrayed by his behaviour - but if he hadn't actually slept around I might try and save the relationship - provided he took real life steps to change his behaviour (counselling/visibility of phone and iPad/ showing real commitment to the relationship ). But if you feel you won't ever truly forgive him (and only you know if that is the case) then you should probably think about separating.

If he is a good dad then I would hope he would continue to be if you do split.

All those obstacles can be overcome. Unless you have a medical reason preventing it you can learn to drive.

The house could be sold & you could move to somewhere near a nursery or with good public transport.

You will be able to claim income support, most likely even if you are still working.

Mutual friends will sort themselves out regarding who they side with.

Oh and of course he will have to contribute to the cost of raising the children

YOu need to get your baby to the doctor first thing tomorrow..He catches God knows what off God knows who. Gives it to,you. You pass it on to your baby. So longer term a nice trip to the STD clinic for you

No, it is much easier for the OP to have a STD screen as the first step. There is no way to screen a baby for STDs in general (though you can test if there are specific symptoms such as an eye discharge). If the OP is screened and negative, there will be no need to worry about the baby.

I completely understand why you don't want to leave.

I would also be very hesitant to leave with children but would want some form of relationship counselling and the knowledge that one more slip and it was over.

what an awful shock for you.

It was made clear last time that I would not tolerate such behaviour again, but three years later things don't seem so clear cut...

but he still did it again. So how will making it clear this time be different?

Are you sure he stopped?

I have never cheated. But I have taken holidays without dh knowing. Sometimes to go shopping for his birthday\christmas present, sometimes last minute leave just to have a few hours up myself. I would always tell him after.

It's really not that difficult. He would never have known if I hadn't have told him. Are you saying his work friends report to you every time he is at at work?

What you have said about your situation is precisely why he thinks he can get away with it. 'She's just had our baby, she can't do anything'. He has chosen now to put it out in the open. No way a cheat would leave his phone hanging around for you to see. A phone bangs when it's dropped. I would consider you finding out a bit less of an accident. How did his brother find out last time?

All those obstacles can be over come. People do it every day.

You will manage. People do with less going for them but what you will have is peace of mind and that is vital moving forward. He's a sleaze. Yuk! See yourself sat in the waiting room of the clap clinic with your darling DC waiting for assessment. That would do it for me. Men that appear to not have the time or space for an affair manage anyway. They call in sick or have holiday days you don't know about or just go for a shag in a Travelodge in their lunch time. He knew he was sailing close to the wind but didn't care enough about you and his DCs to not do it basically.

OP when I was the same stage of post part as you my 'D'H came back from his weekend job and in the hazy lack-of-sleep fug I was in I can remember looking at his face and thinking "Oh he's slept with someone else" and then shrugged it off and carried on looking after my DD.
Fast forward to 4 months later and he came home one night to tell me that he was seeing a colleague and was leaving me and our DC.
I wish I'd believed my first thought and kicked the liar out when I first 'knew'.
I would have retained my dignity that way.
I didn't have the benefit of MN then nor the articulation of what was happening that I've learned since from Cog, AF and wonderful posters like those. I wish they'd been my friends as I was thin on the ground friends-wise and the couple I did have seemed to get more from sitting back and watching me crumble.
Your H has done this before. He got caught. Did he stop?
He got caught again. Do you think he will stop now?
You deserve more than this. I promise you do.
Please don't turn your head away now, LTB.

You don't need to walk out of the door this minute. If you need to stay while you work things out, you're entitled to. Just tell him you're thinking about things, and it takes as long as it takes.

Whatever you decide to do, you should work on becoming more independent from him, driving lessons included.

• That should be postpartum!

Friends can make their choices. It's a great sieve to weed out the ones who don't actually give a shit.

Leave when you're ready.

If you aren't ready now, you don't have to leave. You've done nothing wrong and you don't owe anybody an explanation.

People on here will be all upset on your behalf, demand you kick him out immediately, and call you all sorts of things if you don't...but that's because it's not their life and so to them it's a hypothetical situation, in which they don't need to consider anything other than their projected anger. You, on the other hand, have to weigh up all of the consequences of all possible options...I think I'd take my time with that decision.

Do what's best for you, and do it when it best suits you.

Yeah, don't listen to all those nasty women who think you deserve better than this self centred compulsive cheater !

Don't leave at all. He should go if and when you want him to eg when he is no longer needed to help in the night with the baby. And he should continue paying maintenance.

^ Case in point.

FYI I didn't say a single word about what the OP "deserves". She's not asking what she deserves. She's asking what to do.

But enjoy having a rant from the sidelines.

Twice? Op think this through. Can you trust him now?

The advice from JCLNE is very good. I don't think people help those in the OP's position by insisting on immediate and final decisions.

OP, do things absolutely on your own terms and in your own time.

You took an opportunity to have a sly dig at a perceived group of posts as decided by you

That's a pretty shitty thing to do on a support thread, JC

I'm sorry this has happened to you op. I forgave my kids father a few times over when the children were babies. I wish I hadn't as it just wasted time when I could have been building up our lives (from scratch) but we would have been settled by now.

Don't forget he's only crying and sorry because you found his phone. If you hadn't have found it would he have been sorry enough to come to you and confess that evening or would he still be texting ems today?

Maybe you have to wait until you're feeling stronger but start planning in your head and saving money in case you do want to go in the future