... to not leave my husband?

[welcometouniversallychallenged]

On Friday night I found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

He had dropped his old phone in the bathroom. Normally if I saw his phone lying around I'd ignore it (I would never consider snooping, and I thought we had a very open, trusting relationship), but it was his old phone (he had a new one in November last year), so I was surprised to see it at all, and when I picked it up the screen flashed on, showing his texts. Again, this was surprising as the top one showed he'd been texting this week, despite him telling me he had cancelled his contract. I opened them and saw that he was having an extremely elicit conversation with someone called 'Ems', in which he was saying things like he wanted to be with her, and how sexy she is etc.

When I came out of the bathroom I handed him his phone and let him know what I'd seen. It was bedtime, and told him he could sleep on the sofa. He followed me into the bedroom crying and pleading with me to listen to him, that he wanted to talk to me about it, that he was so sorry... I told him I was exhausted and didn't want to talk about it until I'd had some sleep.

We have a two week old baby and a two and half year old toddler.
Because we've just had a baby, this weekend has been manic with people coming to see us/ visiting family/ church etc, so we still haven't talked about it.

I'm heartbroken, completely devastated. But we now have two children together, we've been married seven years, we have just put our house on the market and are looking at buying our dream family house. Two days later, after not talking about it, I'm wondering if I'm ridiculous to consider letting it go and staying with him. He is such an amazing father, and the idea of our family being broken up is almost unbearable.

I should mention that when I was pregnant with our oldest, he did a similar thing - he joined a dating site and started messaging a woman. His brother found out and gave him a good talking to, which seemed to sort him out til now. It's a worrying pattern of behaviour, but AIBU to stay despite it?

Any man who cheats (emotionally or physically) or attempts to cheat (emotionally or physically), is not a good husband. Is not a good father. Is not a decent man.

A man who does this while his wife is pregnant is the scum of the earth imo. At a time when you are at your most vulnerable, you most primitive state, growing from nothing his child using every fibre of your being and dealung with the hormonal onslaught that comes with it.

He is a bastard OP

Whether you just need time to feel strong enough to leave or whether you find that strength now.....well....leaving him really js the only sesible solution.

pestilential Yes, it's the lies that hurt the most. At a time when I was so vulnerable.

Long term I think you would be unreasonable to not ask him to leave. Right now given you've just had a baby and I can imagine are extremely fragile irrespective of this revelation. Give yourself time in a few months your perspective may have changed. In the meantime you probably need some support. Do you have anyone you can talk to?

Make sure your husband doesn't think he's off the hook, even if you forgive him you still need to have some painful conversations for your marriage to survive. You might not feel strong enough for those conversations now.

So did you not make it clear it had to stop last time?

How long was he out of the bedroom last time?

Honestly Op it is your choice. But I don't think you are thinking clearly. Can't blame you. I could only think a few days ahead with a new born.

But what's different this time?

If you accept this now then this will be your life from now on. He won't stop being a cheat especially if he doesn't feel the fear of losing you.
I know it's hideous especially as you have just had a baby

I actually think the deceit is worse than any sex that might have happened

this is true. I think I could get past dh having sex with someone else. I couldn't get past the months of lies though.

Flare your nostrils, eyes on the horizon and walk away OP. Seriously this marriage can never work if you want to have self respect and have a scrap of respect from him. The day I saw that text would be the last day of my marriage. 'Ems' could have his cheating arse and all the total crap that goes with it .

IT depends how important monogamy is to you.

Don't make any decisions now. Let the dust settle and talk it through with him re: more details. Definitely kick him into the spare room (if you have one)
This sounds like a difficult time for you anyway having just had a baby.
I can understand why you are terrified at potentially seeing your family unit break down.
I dont agree with previous posters who state you will be setting an example to your children re: r'ships and marriage.

Should add that ideally he should at least move out but that may be very fir you hard given that you have just had a baby

Why did he cry when you found out? I find that totally disrespectful to you. it's not enough to 'accidentally' leave his phone around and causing you this hurt after you've just had his baby, he has to cry and demand even more attwntion from you. That's what this may be all about.

We've been together since we were teenagers, so our lives are enmeshed. We don't have separate friends, so I'm pretty scared of talking to anyone about it. If I stay, that person will always know, and if I leave, that person's relationship will damaged with one or both of us. It's a difficult position to put someone in.

He does work during the day, and he works with friends of ours, so I'd know if he was skipping out or not turning up. I'm quite sure he's never slept with anyone else.

It was made clear last time that I would not tolerate such behaviour again, but three years later things don't seem so clear cut...

But you already "got him to stop" and he had " a good talking to" and he has just carried on regardless.

This isn't something that has happened to him by accident. He has purposefully deceived you, used an old phone, lied and cheated.

I for one think it highly unlikely he hasn't physically cheated but you seem to be in denial, which is understandable given your recent baby.

I agree with lightbulb - either you accept that you are married to a man who will never be faithful, and live your life knowing he is lying to you and carrying on, emotionally or physically with other women, or you LTB.

I would have dropped him the first time.

You need to get your baby to the doctor first thing tomorrow. It doesn't take very long to have sex if you are so inclined. Do you count out his holiday days? Or could he have taken an afternoon off at some point without you realising?

He catches God knows what off God knows who. Gives it to,you. You pass it on to your baby.

So longer term a nice trip to the STD clinic for you.

But tomorrow you need to prioritise your baby. At least one STD can cause blindness if the mother has a natural birth.

Oh - and just because he says there was no sex (or no unprotected sex) doesn't mean there wasn't. He is a liar. You know that. Liars lie.

How do you know he stopped OP? You knew the first time. You knew this time (by chance). How is it even possible that these are the only two times. The likelihood of that.

He also deliberately and with planning kept a separate phone.

I'm quite sure he's never slept with anyone else.

Two weeks ago you were presumably quite sure that he was a devoted husband and father who wasn't sending sexy texts to another woman / women.

I would ask him to leave for a while to give you space and ask a friend or relative to stay with you in the meantime.

Not sure if I'd want to be with someone who had cheated on me twice in three years whilst I was pregnant. ( he has form, I wouldn't believe there's nothing in these texts with this woman)
It's your decision OP. But he should be by your side supporting you and you should be closer than ever at this time with a new baby not going through this again.

He hasn't learnt his lesson and he's just proved it to you.

Bloody hell OP read this back to yourself:

" so I'd know if he was skipping out or not turning up. I'm quite sure he's never slept with anyone else. "

No, that's right, nobody ever had a friend who covered for them whilst they had an affair.

And women always know if their husband has had sex with another woman!!????

You seem determined to stick your head in the sand, so I will leave you to it but please, for the sake of your baby, get them and yourself checked for STDs.

Has he added to your anxiety in other ways too?

He has now done this twice to you that you have found out about. He could be doing it all the time and you wouldn't know. What a scumbag. It's entirely your choice but if it was my Dh his bags would be in the garden. I am nobodys second choice.

He won't stop. My ex-MIL put up with this for a 'perfect life'. She was miserable and died young. Needless to say, he loudly proclaimed he was 'dating again' just a couple of months after she died. His younger son replied, 'When did you ever stop?'

Crying? Crying! I'd have kicked the fucking wanker out for that alone. How bloody dare he try to elicit sympathy from you after what he's done. What he's done twice now.

He's been using that old/secret phone since last November at least. The cheating, duplicitous, lying twat.

You threatened him with ending the relationship the last time he did this. You let him off the hook now and he'll accept that as a green light for doing the same, or worse, from now on. You know it's true.

Well if he was given a good talking to only two years ago when your first child was tiny, and he's doing it again already in spite of having a brand new baby then he's not really that good a father, is he?

I'm all for giving people a second chance but this bloke doesn't sound like he has the slightest hope or inclination of reforming. Do you want 40 years of this?

He's cheated on you twice when you were pregnant, the consequences you gave him (sleeping in the spare room etc) clearly didn't discourage him from doing it again.

And you actually don't know whether it's just a bit of flirty texting or full on physical cheating. Not that it really matters, he's still a cheat.

He will continue to do this to you - is that really what you want? Is it good role model behaviour for your kids?

I'd tell him to move out while you think things through.