... to not leave my husband?

[welcometouniversallychallenged]

On Friday night I found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

He had dropped his old phone in the bathroom. Normally if I saw his phone lying around I'd ignore it (I would never consider snooping, and I thought we had a very open, trusting relationship), but it was his old phone (he had a new one in November last year), so I was surprised to see it at all, and when I picked it up the screen flashed on, showing his texts. Again, this was surprising as the top one showed he'd been texting this week, despite him telling me he had cancelled his contract. I opened them and saw that he was having an extremely elicit conversation with someone called 'Ems', in which he was saying things like he wanted to be with her, and how sexy she is etc.

When I came out of the bathroom I handed him his phone and let him know what I'd seen. It was bedtime, and told him he could sleep on the sofa. He followed me into the bedroom crying and pleading with me to listen to him, that he wanted to talk to me about it, that he was so sorry... I told him I was exhausted and didn't want to talk about it until I'd had some sleep.

We have a two week old baby and a two and half year old toddler.
Because we've just had a baby, this weekend has been manic with people coming to see us/ visiting family/ church etc, so we still haven't talked about it.

I'm heartbroken, completely devastated. But we now have two children together, we've been married seven years, we have just put our house on the market and are looking at buying our dream family house. Two days later, after not talking about it, I'm wondering if I'm ridiculous to consider letting it go and staying with him. He is such an amazing father, and the idea of our family being broken up is almost unbearable.

I should mention that when I was pregnant with our oldest, he did a similar thing - he joined a dating site and started messaging a woman. His brother found out and gave him a good talking to, which seemed to sort him out til now. It's a worrying pattern of behaviour, but AIBU to stay despite it?

What would the other church goers think of his sleazy behaviour ? What would you advise another member to do if they came to you with this problem ?

OP - do what's right for YOU. I've been where you are now, and the way forward it not always clear cut.

in my time here I've read no end of threads similar to this.
I have to think that this is not what people dreamt of when they were younger, surely?

"What i want when i grow up is to be with someone who has no consideration for my feelings, that messages other women, that couldn't give two flying shits about their kids"

So when the going gets tough (depression, pregnancy, post-pregnancy_ and it's not all about him (new baby in the house!), he looks elsewhere?

If you can't count on him, why stay with him?

You've been with this man since you were 16, have given him 2 beautiful children and this is how little he respects you? You can love him more than anything in the world but that won't change the way he thinks of you.

To show so little respect for you after almost 15 years together is absolutely disgusting. Does he also treat his childhood friends with such disrespect? Didn't think so.

He's not sorry for what he did, he's sorry that he has been caught. You will never get the truth from him when you talk as he will just tell you what you want to hear.

You said that he has done this once before then nothing for 3 years until 'Ems' - you're delusional if you actually believe that! He just hasn't been caught again until now.

Only you know what you are willing to put up with, but please don't kid yourself into believing that just because he was caught, it will stop now and you'll go on to have a perfect life.

Op, he doesn't have your back

He sees only his ego

He is not a good long term prospect as a family man. He is going to destroy your family and it seems there is not a damn thing you can do about it

You are vulnerable. Making yourself so was a mistake, especially after you got the first heads up about what kind of person he is

Don't carry on paying the price. If you are in a high stress career, you will be resourceful

You will find a way without this kind of half hearted "love" from him. You will be free to find another man that doesn't bail at the first sign of not being centre of his own universe. But not if you stay with this defective one.

fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me

I think you sound sensible and level-headed, and you should trust your instincts because only you will have to live with the consequences of your decision.

I also agree with you that there is no need to do anything permanent in a hurry. If you end it, you need to be able to look back and know you were definitely in your right mind.

Once is a mistake. Twice is a pattern. Sorry OP.

Well I can see why you don't want to separate now when you are your most vulnerable.
Looking aftre a 2 week old baby and a toddler is hard enough in itself wo adding a separation in between.

I would say, don't take a decision yet. Yes let him sleep on the sofa and take your time to think about it. Maybe get some counselling for yourself and let him to all the grumbling/running around.

And when you are feeling strong enough, then take your decision.

You don't have to talke a decision just right now.

BTW, he's not a good dad. A good dad doesn't spend his extra time actively destroying the relationship he has with his partner by looking outside the relationship for physical and/or emotional fulfilment.

A good dad doesn't teach his son it's ok to cheat on his wife.

A good dad doesn't teach his daughter to put up with a cheating husband.

If you stay with him, that's what he's teaching them: a son to treat women badly, a daughter to put up with being treated badly.

Shouldn't the message be if your husband is cheating on you and treating you badly, you should leave? And if you are cheating on your partner, you don't deserve their love and attention and you deserve to lose them.

Whose message are you going to send to them, his or yours?

Ewe is spot on about him not being a good dad.

BIL cheated on exSIL for the whole of the 18 years they were married. His dd is very insecure and his two sons don't talk to him

Don't be rushed in to anything, take your time to think about what you want, for yourself and your children, then in the future, you will not look back and wish you had acted differently. It is a difficult decision, I know, I had to make a similar one years ago, although my children were older. I know now that my decision was the right one, because I took time to make up my own mind. You will survive this and come out stronger than you ever thought possible.

You poor love. You have a two week old baby? No need to ask AiBu, you just need to get through this as best you can. I can see why it must seem such an effort to leave right now, of course!!! You don't have to rush. Take your time, get LOTS of support and when you have the energy/strength etc then get some advice and make a plan.

I'm not very good at emotional stuff - I'm a pragmatist. So as it looks like you are staying with him - at least in the short term - I guess practical advice on that would be helpful.

There are two things that could happen that would leave you vulnerable - one is that you suddenly realise that you just can't hack being married to him anymore and the other is that he buggers off with one of his other women.

So you need to plan for either of these eventualities.

1. 3 - 6 months living expenses in a bank account in your name only. Preferably with no info about the account in the house so he has no chance of knowing even which bank but if that is not doable then make sure passwords, PINs etc are not ones he could guess.

1. Learn to drive.

1. Never ever have unprotected sex with him again.

1. Talk to your church about what would happen if a senior member of the church decided to separate from their spouse due to several instances of infidelity. You need to know the implications.

Personally I'd be telling him you are doing these things and why. And expecting him to support you in doing them. (Eg him going without his luxuries to help you build up your fund, helping you learn to drive, writing a letter (that hopefully will never be needed) for the church admitting to the infidelities.) After all - if he had been a vaguely acceptable husband whose crimes were along the "normal" lines of spending too much time on utube and picking his nose - you wouldn't have to do any of this.

Op, there is no way back from this; planning your exit is the way forward. And I know how terribly hard that must seem, with a tiny baby - what a fucking arsehole your DH is - what sort of twat does this? As usual, AnyFucker's advice is spot on.

OP, I hardly ever post on MN but am de-lurking here because I'm in a very similar situation (right down to the church leadership role). The difference is that I'm several years (and a couple more DCs) down the road. I'm so sorry, but it doesn't stop. If fact, every time I've forgiven and tried to move on, the next incident has been worse/sooner/more blatant. And the sense of entitlement that fuels the infidelity spreads - he's now lying about and hiding money, failing to look after the DCs properly so I have to do everything, etc. It's really, really awful. It's taken me the best part of a year of counselling and talking with wonderfully supportive RL friends to work up the courage to leave. I'm nearly there. The thing that has been most helpful, and that I would encourage you to do, is to write stuff down. Write the facts of what has happened so he can't minimise, write how you feel, write what makes you want to stay and what make you want to leave. You don't have to move quickly if you don't want to (though you would certainly be justified) but if you do want to take some time, try not to just let it slide out of exhaustion, fear or whatever.

congratulations on your sweet new baby.

NotwhatIhopedfor That is a brilliant post.

Sorry to hear about how things are for you. Good luck with your new life. You deserve to be very happy.

My first ever

You sound like you are trying to be strong but I'm sure your not feeling so strong at the mo. Try and stay as dignified as you can through all this. You must be feeling awful after having a baby and everything. You are being so so brave and you do not deserve this at all.

When I was pregnant, my boyfriend of 2 years that I had just brought a house with left me for another woman. It was devastating so I know how you must feel.

I think you and your husband need counselling immediately if you want this marriage to work. He obviously has issues as he has cheated on you before this already when you were pregnant.

I think you should give him an alternatum- counselling or leave. I really think from how he reacted when you gave him the phone that he does want to make it work.

I have forgiven, once. I found out in a similar fashion to you. That was four months ago.

It was very traumatic, and we are still in counselling, but we are all right.

My concern for you, though, is that it has happened more than once - there is a pattern. I am guessing, of course, here, but the pattern seems to involve you being pregnant, and that isn't a good sign. It signals, to me, an entitled man-child who cannot stand your attention not being on him, and who is, albeit covertly, seeking to either 'punish' you for that, or to get his 'needs' seen to another way, or even both.

What you do now is up to you. There is no prescribed course of action. You can go to counselling (which I'd suggest for you, anyway). But you might never get the truth out of him, you might never be able to rebuild trust in him (and with good reason). You might find you don't want to.

You've just had a baby. I understand you will probably feel like you just can't deal with this at the moment, and it is better off swept under the proverbial carpet. You will have to deal with it eventually, though, if not today then you will, because it isn't going to go away.

If you find out why he did it, in counselling, and you feel you can go forward, then maybe you can and will. For myself, I know that although I did forgive once, if I found out he had done the same thing again, there would be an exceptionally bitter divorce.

You'll probably be dealing with many, many different emotions right now. At the very least, I suggest you confide in someone who can give you RL support.

Thank you. You are all golden.

We have just talked. I'm emotionally exhausted at the mo, but in a nutshell:

He said he has a problem with masturbation (addiction followed by severe guilt, fuelled by evangelical upbringing - not by me, I have no issue with him or me or anyone else masturbating).
He said this led to a porn addiction, and he has now become numb to porn, so in order to get his rocks off, decided to start having elicit conversations anonymously with anonymous women.

He did say he would go through counselling alone and/ or with me, he said he'd allow me access to all of his devices and would do anything he could to make it work and re-gain my trust.

I told him I didn't think there was any way back, but that I was not willing to make a decision while I'm in such a precarious position. I told him he would be sleeping on the sofa (obviously) until I knew what I wanted, so that he could continue to look after our toddler. In the mean time he can begin to show me how change might be possible, and he needs to start counselling at Relate for his 'issue'.
I will be taking some of the excellent advice here and passing my driving test, opening a bank account and writing all of this down so I can make an informed decision when I'm not out of my mind.

Thank you all so much xx

I am a bit confused about what is going on here. OP is talking about flirty texts to a woman that she thinks her husband has never met. Is this not just attention seeking behaviour? Lots of women on MN seem to be quite happy for their partners to watch any amount of on-line porn and I am not sure how this differs if it is truly a stranger.
FWIW I would not be happy with the porn or with this but I find it interesting the difference in attitude to this situation. Or is it because people think he has actually met up with these women? Does it make a difference if he has not?
OP, do I read this right that you work a full-time stressful job(when not on mat leave) AND run a church. Or is running the church your full time job?
I think if there is any way of proving that these women are only phone chats , then there might be something to salvage here. There is a bit of a pattern developing that when you are tired,exhausted and preoccupied with babies, he looks for attention elsewhere. That is not right or acceptable but it is an extremely stressful time for all couples.
You are well within your rights to do whatever here. He has behaved appallingly and if you do let him stay, he needs to understand clearly on what terms. I would agree with taking your time, having some couple counselling and at least having him around to help with the little ones for the next few weeks if you can bear it.

sorry...cross post

This is far too much of a personal and emotive subject to say what you should and shouldn't do, and none of truly know how we'd react unless we were there, but I will say one thing. This is not the first time he has done this, and cheating on you while you're carrying his baby, is a very low blow.
I'm sorry but I think you and your babies deserve better, but who am I to tell you what to do. I'm not you living your life

I agree with making him sleep on the sofa, don't let him in your bed.
Don't decide on if you go or stay until you have thought it over.
Do push for the counselling, counselling together might be worth a shot
Do open a bank account and get a few things in order in case you leave

Good luck