... to not leave my husband?

[welcometouniversallychallenged]

On Friday night I found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

He had dropped his old phone in the bathroom. Normally if I saw his phone lying around I'd ignore it (I would never consider snooping, and I thought we had a very open, trusting relationship), but it was his old phone (he had a new one in November last year), so I was surprised to see it at all, and when I picked it up the screen flashed on, showing his texts. Again, this was surprising as the top one showed he'd been texting this week, despite him telling me he had cancelled his contract. I opened them and saw that he was having an extremely elicit conversation with someone called 'Ems', in which he was saying things like he wanted to be with her, and how sexy she is etc.

When I came out of the bathroom I handed him his phone and let him know what I'd seen. It was bedtime, and told him he could sleep on the sofa. He followed me into the bedroom crying and pleading with me to listen to him, that he wanted to talk to me about it, that he was so sorry... I told him I was exhausted and didn't want to talk about it until I'd had some sleep.

We have a two week old baby and a two and half year old toddler.
Because we've just had a baby, this weekend has been manic with people coming to see us/ visiting family/ church etc, so we still haven't talked about it.

I'm heartbroken, completely devastated. But we now have two children together, we've been married seven years, we have just put our house on the market and are looking at buying our dream family house. Two days later, after not talking about it, I'm wondering if I'm ridiculous to consider letting it go and staying with him. He is such an amazing father, and the idea of our family being broken up is almost unbearable.

I should mention that when I was pregnant with our oldest, he did a similar thing - he joined a dating site and started messaging a woman. His brother found out and gave him a good talking to, which seemed to sort him out til now. It's a worrying pattern of behaviour, but AIBU to stay despite it?

Just wanted to add op. His cheating is not your fault in any way and whatever you decide look after yourself and your dc. Do you have someone in rl who you can talk to.

Wow im so sorry you have to go through this op, cheating is terrible and in my opinion he will do it again because as you mentioned this is the second time you caught him. I have learnt cheaters dont change and one day he will probably leave you for another woman, which is what happened to me after forgiving cheating.
I feel you are feeling vulnerable because you have a new baby but that isnt a reason to stay with someone, he can be an amazing father without being with you and you can be happy without someone who take you for advantage.
Its your life and all we can do on MN is give our opinions end of the day.

Wow JCLINE are you actually OPs H?
How dare we think she deserves more?

He is and has given his attention to other women while you have been pregnant whether you were easy to live with or not it isnt right but this is your life dont fall for tears and snot and how sorry he is he is only sorry he was caught twice can you live with him doing it again when he is after a bit of a thrill

Start by getting a driving license. If you have trouble with a manual, do it on an automatic.

You will be entitled to maintenance for the children based on your husband's income and maybe some benefits.

Have a look at the amount of maintenance you could claim on www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

And if you may get financial support/ benefits to help with childcare or to top up your wages, check on entitled to: www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/startcalc.aspx

We're going to talk after he's put DS to bed. I think I need answers to some questions before I know how I really feel about it all. I don't want to make a rash decision about something that will so greatly impact on my DCs. Especially when I'm already depressed and my hormones are everywhere from having DD.

op for now I'd ask him to leave - just to give you head space.

I honestly don't know if I could walk away from someone if I had a brand new baby as I don't think I'd be strong enough BUT I would ask him to leave while I decided what to do.

He has fucked up twice, maybe because the first time you wasn't serious enough, maybe he is a serial cheater. Bit I'd defanatly ask him for space.

What he has done is so fucking deceitful. You don't deserve this. This would be a game changer for me

If you're happy to share him with other women for the rest of your life stay. If not then end it now, it will eat to the very core of your soul. You are worth more than this.

Think how you phrase your questions...you might be able to get some real truth rather than more bs if you are able to catch him out contradicting himself. Also remember a cheat won't admit to anything more than they have to. Think long and hard about what he is doing to you and do not let him convince you that hormones are clouding your judgement.

Once can sometimes be forgiven, twice is taking the piss, OP.

I agree with taking your time. Going from a sahm (assuming, apologies) with the financial support of another wage earner, sharing everything and not having lived an adult life alone is a very big step. Its like moving out of home for the first time only with a fuck ton of extra emotional baggage, kids and a financial headache until you get back on your feet.

It wont be easy, but all those things that are good for us are usually never easy.

You need to plan how you are going to do this on top of all the physical turmoil a new baby and a toddler brings.

I had this thrust upon me. I was made homeless, main income was lost, I had nothing at all. I had to start over again with a new baby and PND. My DCs dad cheated on me too. He confirmed it 2 days after I had given birth and he tried to worm his way back into my life. He left slip and I could never forgive.

FWIW if he is an amazing father with his head all over another woman, he can be an amazing father living apart from his children.

op don't base your decision on what's best for your DC. The decision should be solely based on if you want to still be with him. They won't thank you for it.

The trouble is when you talk how will you ever believe a word that he says??
Really do feel for you, from experience I know that it ruins the past, destroys the now and really does eat into the future no matter what choice you make. It is so hard to be strong💐

Not a SAHM - I have a very high pressure, time consuming job (that I love) which I would have to leave once mat leave was over if I become a single parent.

Op. Your husband has cheated on you qhen you were at your most vulnerable. And when uou were heavily pregnant. This is meant to be the special loving time. He has massively disrespected and abused you.

He didn't confess. He got caught.

Kick him out now you will not be giving your children a good role model if you let him stay.

It doesn't help at all that I really really fucking love him. I've been in love with him since I was 16 (we're now 30) and I've never loved anyone else

Eugh don't I sound like a weed. Sorry.

Do you love the part of him that has completely betrayed uou?

It's so painful op but you need yo see him.for who he is

He will never be faithful long term so the question is can you deal with and accept that? I couldn't but I guess some people can. You also have to think how it would impact the kids having that kind of relationship.

Fwiw an amazing father doesn't cheat on the mother of his children especially when she's just given birth. I think it takes an extra special kind of selfish and cruel bastard to do that tbh.

For me it wouldn't be whether he had physically cheated or not. It would be the fact that he had allowed Someone Else (whether he'd even met her or not) into a part of his head that is reserved for me. Texting with flirting, fantasy, shared little secrets, emotional intimacy - those parts of DH are mine and mine alone.

I would feel let down, betrayed, shattered and doubly so that he has done this while you are so vulnerable so soon after giving birth with a house full of people.

You need time to process this. Personally I don't think it is something I could get over as I think that once that little line has gone (and this is twice now), it's easier to keep doing it. I say that as someone who has cheated in the past - lost both relationships both times and deserved it, would never ever cheat on DH as the price of losing him and our life is too high. Your DH needs to feel that emotionally betraying you carries too high a price which, even after you making it clear that you won't tolerate it, it seems he doesn't.

What to do? In the immediate term, separate rooms. Give yourself space. I wouldn't immediately kick him out of the house if he's helping with the toddler at night while you look after your baby, but I would certainly want some breathing space from him.

In the middle term, look for benefits that you would be entitled to. Look for nursery places near where you work, look into learning how to drive or what sort of public transport links you have. Work out how much child maintenance your DH would pay, what sort of access schedules you would work out with him.

In the longer term - it's your decision as to whether you can live with knowing that someone else has been in your DH's mind and emotions while he should have been concentrating solely on you. Nobody can make it for you. But if you decide to stay with him, stay knowing that it will happen again when attention is off him, when he should be giving you his 100% he may well be giving someone else 60% of it instead, when your lives are stressed as they will be with children, he'll turn to something like this again.

In short, yes YABU.... But only to yourself and your kids, not to your waste of space husband. He's having his cake and eating it, the smug bastard. You should be packing his bags and lobbing them at him. He's done this more than once and you've got a lifetime of him fucking other women ahead and you pretending he isn't. Nice life.

I think it's only a matter of time before you will be back in this position again. So he did this before and you took him back. And now while you were giving birth and brought his child into this world he did it again. Can you see how going back to him lands you in the same situation?

Op - you mention going to church. Are you a Christian? Only there's marriage course you could do and get support from church ppl depending where you are? I don't think it's crazy to stay with someone but you can't brush things under carpet. They need to be dealt with or he'll keep doing it. for you op, it really is rubbish what's happened. Good luck xx

Yes Cadenza, I run the church we go to. Which is a whole added layer of 'oh shit' on top of the rest of it.

I was with you until you said he had done it previously during your first pregnancy. My OH cheated on me 3 years ago and it has been a long hard struggle but I have almost forgiven (never forgotten) BUT he knows and I know I could never ever go through that twice. Once, ok we were at a bad point etc etc but I am too damn good to go through that again and so are you OP. The fact he did not learn to put you and your children before and ego need for himself after the first time tells me that he will never change and you will be back at this situation again a few years down the line. They have to prove to you that a change has happened and he clearly has not changed IMO