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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be in love with a 16 year old

554 replies

swordandsparrow · 04/03/2016 12:47

Im 23 with one child whos nearly 2.
He is 16, nearly 17 but has a proper baby face and could easily pass for 13 if he wasnt so tall.
We met at college where I study as a mature student.
Am i wrong to pursue this relationship, i really like him and we get on great but my friend at college says its wrong and i am too old for him Sad

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/03/2016 13:45

I think its creepy. Why cant you just be friends?

Youre 7 years older, thats loads at his age. dont be a creep

Quityabitchen · 04/03/2016 13:46

Are you sure you're not simply wanting to re-live your teenage years by dating a boy of sixteen? An escape from adulthood and being a mum? A chance to drink cider in the park and be stupidly irresponsible for a while?

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/03/2016 13:47

Peggyundercrackers...a quick Google tells me that the legal age of adulthood in Scotland remains 18...despite the rules of voting, marriage and drinking (drinking is limited and the child has to be accompanied by an adult). Very confusing law though..and inappropriate if you ask me!

FigMango1 · 04/03/2016 13:47

So you really believe he wants to have a relationship with someone with a child at 16yo. Do you really believe a kid himself would saddle himself with getting involved into that type of 'relationship'? Maybe that's the sense of humor you are referring to?

IcingandSlicing · 04/03/2016 13:48

Siberiananya your relationsship worked because you wer ethe younger and he the older. It is not a secret men mature emotionally later than women.
But also each case is different.

TheFairyCaravan · 04/03/2016 13:48

You can only join the armed forces, in the whole of the UK, at 16 if your parents consent. You won't be sent to fight anywhere either. Sorry, I know it's not the point of the thread.

chelle792 · 04/03/2016 13:49

I had a 22 year old boyfriend when I was 16 fifteen. We were together for three years. He had a kid too but didn't have her full time.

The relationship was good but I did miss out on a lot of teenage stuff

Leslieknope45 · 04/03/2016 13:51

This is gross

Gabilan · 04/03/2016 13:51

to liken this to paedophilia is ridiculous.

It's a nasty accusation, yes. But, I suspect it comes from the OP's comment that he "has a proper baby face and could easily pass for 13 if he wasnt so tall". That does not sound great. I've fancied men much younger than me but they've always looked like fully mature adults.

I think English law reflects the fact that we don't suddenly mature overnight. So at 16 you can get married with parental consent and you're over the age of consent for sex. But you can't vote (yet) or buy alcohol or cigarettes. It's not entirely logical but it does show that at 16/17 people whilst approaching adulthood may not be fully there yet. Also at 16 a teacher would be in serious trouble for having a relationship with a pupil whereas university-age students are less of an issue (depending on the uni's regulations). Yes, I know the OP is not a teacher, I'm just using that to illustrate the issue with relationships with 16/17 year olds.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 04/03/2016 13:51

-My parents met when mum was 15 and she took an instant shine to him, they started going out when she was 16 and got married when she was 19. They have been married for over 40 years. There is 14 years between them. Some of the comments on here and on the footballer post have really upset me. By rights I shouldn't exist according to lots of u??!!-

I know exactly what you mean Mish, my parents have been married 35yrs and have 19yrs between them. They met when my DM was very young and DF had 2 children. According to most on MN that makes my Dad a child grooming abuser when in reality he is one of the nicest, most selfless and wonderful people I have ever met. I always feel quite insulted by everyone's assertion that in 100% of situations where there is an age gap and one of them is quite young (particularly between and older man and younger woman) it is wrong and either won't work or is clear evidence of the older person taking advantage. It just isn't true.

Then again, I think being the 'product' of such a relationship that did work has actually made me a better person as I know not to judge a book by its age cover and just to take people as they are. Age is just a number. Obviously different individuals have different levels of maturity which is hugely relevant to any kind of relationship they may get in but only you can judge that OP. I can only use my own experience to give my opinion but basically yanbu OP, just tread with caution, as you would when forming any new relationship as you do have a child to consider. My Dp is younger than me (although not as much)!

WeAllHaveWings · 04/03/2016 13:52

23yr saying they are "in love" with a 16yr old they aren't even dating yet - yuck, just yuck. Are you usually this immature?

You will not be good for him, let him find someone more appropriate for his early relationship experiences.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2016 13:52

Dear god. YABU. Leave him alone.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 04/03/2016 13:54

I can't think of one good reason why any adult would pursue a sexual relationship with a teenager, unless the age difference were just a few years.

Yuck, just yuck.

MorrisZapp · 04/03/2016 13:54

Medium length OP provoking lots of strong opinion and questions. OP comes back sporadically with short repetitive statements.

Reported.

TooOldForGlitter · 04/03/2016 13:54

The kittens really have taken over the vipers nest haven't they.

TheCrimsonPleb · 04/03/2016 13:56

I have a very good friend who met her DP when he was just turning 17. She was around 35. They have lived together now for 11 years and have a fantastic relationship, very solid, very loving, very equal.

On paper/t'interweb a woman in her 20's being romantically interested in a 16 year old does gives one pause for thought. However, as in the case of my friend, there may be times when it really is just the right thing to do for both parties.

HPsauciness · 04/03/2016 13:57

People aren't children one day and adults the next. What used to be called Gillick competency (Fraser now?), which is about having the right to have a say in decision-making about health-care decisions, begins from about thirteen. Including over things like contraception, confidentiality if you went to the dr, refusing treatment.

He's not a 'kid' or 'child' by law for the purposes of having sex, that's the point of the legal age of consent. The law considers him a 'man' for this purpose, although not for others (e.g. voting).

This might not work out for lots of reasons, you may be at different life stages, but I don't see it as practically akin to child molesting as some have suggested on this thread. I don't see why it's all wrong at 16 and all right at 18 really, it depends on the person and their own maturity.

doughnutslikefannys · 04/03/2016 13:58

What can you possibly have in common with a 16yo? My brother and his friends were 16/17 when I was 23 and I very much viewed them as kids. One had a crush on me and I found it adorable but that's all, he didn't become fair game just because he fancied me.

BlueJug · 04/03/2016 13:58

We seem to have this whole area completely screwed up. People are talking about you OP as if you are some sort of sicko and yet 16 is over the age of consent. You can legally marry with parental consent in England and Wales and marry without it in Scotland.

When I was 16 I very much saw myself as an adult - immature yes - but not a child. I had a boyfriend. I also had a relationship of sorts with a 26 year old although we didn't sleep together but I adored him. I could have joined the army, left school, (I did leave school in fact), be criminally responsible, and many of my friends were in serious relationships and jobs.

We seem to be infantilising our kids - not accepting that they are capable of so much more than we allow them to take on.

Reading the "what was the worst thing that happened in your school" thread last night I was struck by how many affairs and pregnancies there were.

By treating our 16 year olds as children rather than young adults we are not doing anyone any favours.

Cocolepew · 04/03/2016 13:59

Bollocks.

IcingandSlicing · 04/03/2016 14:00

You are being too harsh to OP.
From what I understand there is mutul attraction, the boy doesn't mind, on the contrary.
I think OP should ask herself what she sees in a possible relationship - is she looking for a long-term one, or is she OK even with a short-term one?
If it's love and it would impact positively two people's lives, then why not? Isn't that how we grow and mature, by experience?
Just keep in mind it may not last and accept the consequences.

IcingandSlicing · 04/03/2016 14:01

She also should make sure her relationship does not contradict with her mother duties which for me always should come first.

thecatfromjapan · 04/03/2016 14:01
Dumbledoresgirl · 04/03/2016 14:01

Sorry, I missed the bit where the OP said she was in Scotland.

Sparklingbrook · 04/03/2016 14:02

By treating our 16 year olds as children rather than young adults we are not doing anyone any favours.

Not all 16 year old boys are the same. DS1 has loads of 16 year old mates and they range from very childlike to reasonably mature with lots in between.

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