to be in love with a 16 year old

[swordandsparrow]

Im 23 with one child whos nearly 2.
He is 16, nearly 17 but has a proper baby face and could easily pass for 13 if he wasnt so tall.
We met at college where I study as a mature student.
Am i wrong to pursue this relationship, i really like him and we get on great but my friend at college says its wrong and i am too old for him

You made me laugh, PrivatePike. Thanks.

I wonder if the people who think this is okay are the same people who are that a footballer in his 20s faces a jail sentence for some sexual activity with a fifteen year old?

Less than a year in it. Fairly arbitrary line of demarcation. Same problem in terms of power and life experience imbalance, and same difficulty in being certain that genuinely informed and non-manipulated consent is present.

roundaboutthetown has it.

He's pushing for a shag probably because he can sense the OP is interested in him and possibly because he thinks she's a desperate single Mother. I very much doubt he has any ideas beyond sex and would be amazed if he has intentions of a relationship.

Can you imagine what he's saying to his friends too? Or would be saying, if he had sex with the OP.

Grim.

You made the decision to become a parent, so I'm afraid you need to put your DC first in all this. Do you really think that having a relationship with this boy is in your child's best interests? (because, lets face it, any relationship you have will now impact on both of you).

Of course I'm not saying that you can never have a relationship, I would never say that (I've been a single parent myself) but dating as a mother is very different to dating without that responsibility, believe me.

As the mother of an almost 17 year old who looks to all intents like a man but emotionally is still really just a wee boy, I'd be saying stay the hell away. What would a woman of 23 with a child expect to get out of such a relationship? Maturity, emotional support and hands on help with your toddler? Try a 26 year old or 36 year old.

I agree, it's not the age gap that is the problem but the fact that he is only on the cusp of adulthood. If he were 20 it wouldn't be a problem but it just doesn't sit right with me to view a 16 year old in a sexual way.

I met 25 year old dh when I was 16.

Looking back I was not ready for a serious relationship and extremely immature.

I would stay friends for a few years op then see what happens.

Its quite worrying how naive OP is. He is chasing you for sex not a commitmented relationship. His mother will be still getting CHILD benefit for godsake. I feel sorry for your toddler if these are the silly choices you choose to make. After 11 pages and she can't take it in surely this can't be a real situation no one is that dumb to think its acceptable behaviour to date a kid.

It all sounds very sordid to me I'm afraid. Saying he looks 13. I'd say you should be behind bars with your attitude. It's more than creepy.

It doesn't sound like you are listening to a word of the very good sense being expressed here (did you think people were going to say "Go for it!!"?) but to set this child, because he is a child, aside for the moment, it worries me that you feel that you are only able to form an emotional connection with somebody so very young and immature.

You were 21 when you had your baby, so not crazy young, but have you had problems in relationships in the past where you felt taken advantage of or bullied, that you find a certain relief in somebody very immature (and probably relatively docile, in a combination of his youth and his infatuation with you)?

Fast forward 14 years, and imagine your child coming home saying they were going out with a 23 year old

I was your age when I had my first child. That is I was 23 when she was born. Personally having a baby made me feel pretty grown up and I can't imagine having a relationship with such an immature lad. However age gap wise it's not that bad, it's just the fact he's not even 18 yet and therefore a child, whereas you re an adult. Personally I think given that you have a toddler you can't really expect a child not really old enough to be a dad to step up to that role. Therefore there's no point in it. Either wait until he's at least 18 or stay away altogether.

16 is old enough to marry and have sex but be a step parent?

Well yes of course they are old enough technically to be a stepparent. But really come on, you think it would be a good thing for the 16 year old to be a stepparent at 16??
There is already so much going on in their lives and already so much going for them at that age. It would seem such a shame to pile a step parenting responsibility on to them/restrict their life/not be number 1 to their boyfriend or girlfriend.
I can understand that being a teenage parent at that age can be a very positive thing and I know a couple of people from school who had children of their own at that age. But to be a stepparent at 16 just seems like such a harsh thing for them to have to put up with. Just look at the threads on this site and you will see what 20/30+ year olds have to put up with! Imagine a 16 year old having to deal with those issues :(

Problem is, you can't get a child seat on the back of his BMX OP.

The OP hasn't actually expanded on how he's chasing her so for all we know he might not be

That's my concern too. From what the OP has actually elaborated on it looks like she's fallen in love with him because they get along well as friends. And even then, it sounds like they only actually see each other at college...I would have thought really good friends would socialise elsewhere too.

On the positive side, i'm sure you'll have some nice conversations with his mum when she drops him off for your play dates. As long as he's done his chores and whatnot.

This sorry tale is wrong on so many levels. I can only hope that my gut feeling is right - that it's always half-term somewhere in the world!

You shouldn't pursue this, OP. If you really do like him then it can wait until he is a little bit older.
Personally I don't see a 16 year old as a child, I see them as a young adult (but then I grew up in the 70's when many teenagers worked, got married and had babies) but young people are generally more immature nowadays and I think that has to be taken into account.
And yes, those posters who have said he is just after a shag are probably right. Thats pretty normal for a teenage boy.

When I was just 17 I moved in with a 23 year old who had a 3 year old child and it was in hindsight a massive mistake.
The relationship was damaging for me with of emotional abuse and I felt very controlled, I wasnt ready for the intensity of such a relationship and wanted to hang out with my friends, and it was a lucky escape I see with hindsight when she had an affair and left me a couple of years later.
I am now approaching 30 and happily married to someone my own age.
I would question what you see about this boy that is so appealing? Do you see him and being easier than men your own age? Do you think you could tell him what to do? I would step back and think what you want from a relationship and also what is in your child's best interest.

DownstairsMixUp