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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's a wedding WWYD/AIBU

105 replies

JedBartlet · 03/03/2016 21:59

So folks. I have one DS, my pfb. Before he was born we were invited to a wedding, I am good friends with both the bride and groom. It's happening when he'll be 4.5 months old (next month). He is not invited.

The wedding is about 3.5 hours away, and is in a barn with a few beds in dormitory style accommodation as the only option to stay. So no having a babysitter hang out in a hotel room on the premises for example. DS is ebf and has had maybe 4 bottles of expressed milk ever, all given by DH. We've never left him with anyone else for more than 2 hours.

Before he was born I had no idea what it would be like, agreed to go, and asked PILs to come and help. They will be staying with family about 20 min from the venue. No ro for me and DH so we are booked into a b&b about 5 min from PIL (plan was to pick up DS on the way back from the wedding to bring him to the b&b with us). Are you still with me?!

Now that it's getting nearer I'm getting totally stressed by the whole thing. Wedding is at 2. Even if I express for PIL to give bottles I will have to physically feed him at some point or pump in the toilets in my wedding outfit. I don't feel I can keep asking them to drive back and forth so I can feed him every few hours, and I also think it will be upsetting for him to see me for a feed and then be taken away again. He has only met PIL 3 times and doesn't know them that well. They are really excited about spending time with him.

Is it rude to cancel (either me or DH or both) at this late stage? We will be inconveniencing PIL and bride and groom. Is there a middle ground not seeing? AIBU/pfb to think he won't cope without me for a day? Any suggestions gratefully welcomed.

OP posts:

ZiggyFartdust · 03/03/2016 22:02

If you really want to go, you can make it work. But if you don't, or don't want the hassle (and I wouldn't), its fine to cancel. But do it now so they can invite someone else if they want to.

TeaBelle · 03/03/2016 22:05

A couple of options :

Attend ceremony and evening do - downside is that you would miss the meal which the couple will probably have paid most for

Attend the ceremony and meal - downside is that you may not get to socialise much

Just attend the evening - again couple may be upset that you he missed the important and expensive earlier parts of the day.

Depending on how well you know friends, you could request that you could bring him to the evening festivities as this would be unlikely to.cost them anything extra, he wouldn't be taking up space at a table or be at risk of being loud. My dd slept anywhere at that age and loved a disco.

Good luck

MissBattleaxe · 03/03/2016 22:05

This could be a time to practice leaving him with other people. If the PILs have only met him 3 times, this could be some bonding time for them and your baby. Or just go to the ceremony and reception and then go back to your baby.

MrsMillions · 03/03/2016 22:10

DD2 is 5 months, EBF, and I wouldn't/couldn't leave her that long. A few middle ground options you could consider - either together or separately:

1: PILs look after him during the ceremony, so you get to support them in the getting married bit, then you pick him up from them.
2: depending what time he goes to bed, could you attend the evening do?
If you did both, maybe DH could stay for the whole thing.

Agreed you need to let the bride and groom know now. It is perfectly reasonable to say you thought it would be possible to attend it all without him, but now he's here and feeding established it won't work as you hoped. Depending how much experience they have of children, they may or may not understand.

Original poster

JedBartlet · 03/03/2016 22:10

But even if I can leave him with PIL what would you do about feeding?! Pump in the toilets?!

I'm all up for PIL having bonding time but not at the expense of him being happy and I think a whole day with people he barely knows is too much.

I think maybe only attending parts of the day is the answer...I did tentatively ask about bringing him (no food/space needed etc etc) but it's a no really. Another friend who is going had a baby 2 days ago so they will have a similar dilemma.

I do totally get that some people want child free weddings but it does piss me off that exceptions can't be made for tiny babies.

OP posts:

Original poster

JedBartlet · 03/03/2016 22:14

Thanks MrsMillions, I don't feel I am leave him that long. DH isn't really getting it.

They're more my friends than his so selfishly I'd rather he did bedtime with DS and I went back for the evening do which might work. At the moment his bedtime is 9.30 but we're trying to move it earlier and I hope by then we will have succeeded! Once he goes to sleep he generally goes through til 5ish so after he's down I could be out no problem but he'll be in the b&b then so DH would have to stay.

OP posts:

coconutpie · 03/03/2016 22:23

No way would I go. I had to miss a family wedding when DC was 6mo as also ebf and wasn't invited. When you have a young baby, priorities change and attending weddings are not high up on the list.

TooAswellAlso · 03/03/2016 22:27

I had similar when my DS was six months.

I went to the ceremony. Came home after and fed him, calmed him, spent time with him. (Venue twenty minutes or so away, he was left with extended family he had only met a handful of times too)

We then went back out for the evening reception (he would sleep 8-midnight regularly at this point) and I didn't drink then either.

ExH could have stayed, I was happy to skip the meal and toasts, and just saw the ceremony and evening - is that a possibility?

MrsMook · 03/03/2016 22:30

I wouldn't faff about with being in and out and expressing. Both my babies were bottle refusers, and by that stage I hadn't gone more than 2-3 hours without them. It would stressful clock watching around feeds, and physically uncomfortable if you become engorged.

If they really couldn't accept a babe in arms, I'd be declining in these circumstances, or just attending a short section of the day.

Pixilicious · 03/03/2016 22:32

I wouldn't go if I were you. I couldn't have left my daughter for all that time at that age.

Original poster

JedBartlet · 03/03/2016 22:38

Ok so maybe missing the meal is the way to go. Is 6 weeks enough notice for that? Or do you think we should offer to pay something?

I will ask the groom for a timetable of the day to see what's possible.

I'm going to the bride's hen do tomorrow so don't want to drop it on her then but will speak to her next week.

OP posts:

Ninjagogo · 03/03/2016 22:40

Up to you, but I would not go. I was bf at my sisters wedding, and I was a bridesmaid! Impressed that you get so much sleep at night though sure it will be fine whatever you decide.

BigQueenBee · 03/03/2016 22:44

I took my DD to a wedding when she was 6 weeks old. OK it was local to my home, but why can't you stay in a B&B ?
Breastfeeding isn't a big deal; a scarf or blanket is all that's needed.
Most people don't pay much attention to it really, I think people are think likely expecting you to breast feed
It isn't a big deal, it is about doing the most normal thing in the world.
A loose top is a bonus.

Lweji · 03/03/2016 22:45

I'd have no issue.
By 4 months my breasts didn't engorge as much and o had stored enough expressed milk. Even so, a bottle or two of formula would be ok, unless your baby rejects it, but it's not likely.
I'd go and not worry for the day.

LeanneBattersby · 03/03/2016 22:46

Before I had children I would have thought it was fiiiine and that I'd be able to leave my EBF children at that age.

After having had three, I've not been able to leave any of them until they've turned one (all keen feeders).

I wouldn't be arsing about if I were you. I'd just send my profuse apologies and encourage my husband to go alone. I'd just be honest with the bride and say you'd thought it would be OK to leave him but it's actually not and you wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him for that length of time. They probs won't have given final numbers to the venue yet anyway. Hell, people cancelled on me on the actual day of my wedding the fickle bastards

EweAreHere · 03/03/2016 22:46

I totally get child free wedding. But. But. A non-mobile breastfeeding baby is different. It just is. And you didn't fully appreciate what it was going to be like when you committed to the wedding. And it doesn't sound like there's an option for PILs to be on site anywhere with the baby.

If the B&G insist the baby isn't an option to attend, even if you promise to remove him promptly or leave if there are any crying issues, etc, I think you should send your belated regrets and say why. Especially if it's already stressing you out and if it's going to be a logistical nightmare (like it sounds like already) to try to keep you and your wee one happy.

Some things just can't be planned for, despite best intentions.

LeanneBattersby · 03/03/2016 22:47

BigQueenBee the baby isn't invited. And why would she need a scarf or a blanket to breastfeed?

FishWithABicycle · 03/03/2016 22:53

I would say/email to B&G "back while I was still preggers I thought it would be great to come to your wedding and fine to leave my baby with my parents but now the time is here I feel it's not going to work. I'd be gutted to miss your wedding so if I can bring him along for some of it, in a sling so no buggy and obviously I'd go outside if he cries, then that will be lovely. If you have to say no to that I'll totally understand and I hope we can catch up after the honeymoon."

SuburbanRhonda · 03/03/2016 22:54

So as not to frighten the horses, obviously, leanne

chillycurtains · 03/03/2016 22:55

Tricky since you have rsvp'd. I think I would be inclinded to go to the wedding, dash back and feed then cuddle, settle your LO missing all the faffing and photographs and go back for the meal. Then have a bottle of expressed milk for PIL to offer your LO in the early evening but head back in time for the last feed like 8 or 9pm. I would try as hard as I could to attend for the meal and not really worry about the evening. The meal is the bit that has been paid for and would be obvious if you were missing. No one will notice you missing at any of the other parts.

Hope you get to enjoy some of the day at least.

RaspberryBeret34 · 03/03/2016 22:57

I think I'd attend the ceremony and ask PIL if they'll either bring DS to you after or hang around (coffee shop or park - feed the ducks?) for a bit after the ceremony so DS can have a feed from you just before the meal. Then PIL take DS back to where they are staying and feed one expressed bottle whenever he needs it. You have the wedding meal and stay as long as DS is OK (you might need to pump once). You expect to leave just after the meal/speeches.

I'm assuming your DS would be OK with a feed at around 3.30 or so (after ceremony) and a bottle around 6 then you'd be back around 8? Your leaving for the evening do probably won't be noticed too much.

Can your PIL spend a bit more time with him beforehand? It isn't much that they've only met him 3 times but then again, timing is everything with a baby. Eg meeting a small baby every day for 3 days just before you go is much better than meeting them 20 times but 2 months ago!

Having said all that, my DC was totally unpredictable with feeds till at least 6 months so if you feel the best option is to just cancel now then I think it is fine to do that. Or just go to the ceremony.

Bogeyface · 03/03/2016 23:01

Dont go to the church, the B&G wont know you are not there and if anyone mentions it during the pictures, prime DH to say that you had to nip off to feed the baby.

Go to the meal. This is the expensive bit that will have cost them the most and they will be pissed off if you dont show up to.

Leave after the meal to "feed and settle" the baby. After about 9pm everyone will be so pissed they wont notice you didnt come back, and your DH can slope off quietly. Job done.

If you want to cancel, do it NOW, as they will probably still not be at their "final numbers" deadline. Make something up about PILs being a bit wobbly about having him all day, and then go away as planned but leave the baby with PILs while you and H have a nice relaxing dinner close to their hotel.

GloGirl · 03/03/2016 23:07

I'd cancel.

WonderingAspie · 03/03/2016 23:15

I wouldn't bother. Child free weddings should not apply to EBF babies. How ridiculous and what a huge faff for you just to attend their wedding. I'd tell them that as they can't accommodate a BF baby, the logistics of trying to feed him/express throughout the day just aren't going to work.

randomcatname · 03/03/2016 23:16

I've been where you are and what I'm about to say is very simple but may blow your mind:

do what you want to do. Everything will be fine either way.

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