Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a wedding WWYD/AIBU

105 replies

JedBartlet · 03/03/2016 21:59

So folks. I have one DS, my pfb. Before he was born we were invited to a wedding, I am good friends with both the bride and groom. It's happening when he'll be 4.5 months old (next month). He is not invited.

The wedding is about 3.5 hours away, and is in a barn with a few beds in dormitory style accommodation as the only option to stay. So no having a babysitter hang out in a hotel room on the premises for example. DS is ebf and has had maybe 4 bottles of expressed milk ever, all given by DH. We've never left him with anyone else for more than 2 hours.

Before he was born I had no idea what it would be like, agreed to go, and asked PILs to come and help. They will be staying with family about 20 min from the venue. No ro for me and DH so we are booked into a b&b about 5 min from PIL (plan was to pick up DS on the way back from the wedding to bring him to the b&b with us). Are you still with me?!

Now that it's getting nearer I'm getting totally stressed by the whole thing. Wedding is at 2. Even if I express for PIL to give bottles I will have to physically feed him at some point or pump in the toilets in my wedding outfit. I don't feel I can keep asking them to drive back and forth so I can feed him every few hours, and I also think it will be upsetting for him to see me for a feed and then be taken away again. He has only met PIL 3 times and doesn't know them that well. They are really excited about spending time with him.

Is it rude to cancel (either me or DH or both) at this late stage? We will be inconveniencing PIL and bride and groom. Is there a middle ground not seeing? AIBU/pfb to think he won't cope without me for a day? Any suggestions gratefully welcomed.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 03/03/2016 23:28

Do you want to go? If so, have a look at the schedule and pick when suits.

If you think it's way too much faff, as I do, then don't go, six weeks is tons of notice.

Fadingmemory · 03/03/2016 23:29

Make whatever arrangements you can for your baby and go. Ask whoever is looking after DS to call you if he doesn't settle. Or, just don't go at all. The latter might be best for you.

Cressandra · 03/03/2016 23:35

I would email/phone like PP and say you thought it would be fine but now baby's here and not taking a bottle (slight over-simplification but saves detail they don't care about) you realise he can't be left for any length of time yet.

I'd probably avoid asking to bring him, just wish them well and apologise but be clear that the only reason you're declining is because you can't bring him.

I am perhaps curmudgeonly but I dislike the idea of dragging GPs across the country to babysit in a strange place for several hours. It seems a big imposition. We've declined invites rather than ask it of our own parents. It's not unusual these days though.

HopefulHamster · 03/03/2016 23:47

I went to a wedding without my son when he was about 2 months. Left enough for a bottle, only went for ceremony and meal, pumped during a break, dashed back after speeches. It was sort of fine. But tbh now I look back and think I shouldn't have gone. It wasn't a completely child-free wedding (close relatives' babies were there), and they could've let a babe in arms go. It was quite stressful leaving him, though he was fine.

I think you are just within the time limits of being able to say 'sorry, I didn't know what it was going to be like, I can't go'

ColdTeaAgain · 03/03/2016 23:58

If this was me I'd have to cancel. Pumping just didn't work for me, There's no way I would of been able to express enough for a whole day even if I started weeks in advance. But if you get on well with expressing then it's doable but to be quite honest it all sounds like far too much stress and hassle. Unless it was one of my absolute closest friends not that they would ban my baby in the first place! I would just cancel asap.

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 04:49

Thanks for all this - some really helpful responses.

BigQueenBee - baby is not invited, I have no problem whatsoever bf'ing in public.
Lweji thanks for your advice but there's no way after all I did to get bf'ing established that I'd introduce formula for no reason. I have no problem whatsoever with ffing but it's not what we're doing and wouldn't solve the engorgement issue or DS being left for so long.

Everyone else who has pretty much said cancel or only go to part of the day I think that's the right course for us. There are going to be children there (immediate family) so I think they could make an exception, they just don't really get it. I think sometimes people see babies/children as one homogeneous mass rather than thinking a tiny baby is different to a toddler. And why should they? It's my problem. But I think I will say if final numbers haven't been sent then count us out for the meal, if they have then count us out for the evening do. And if DS settles ok I can go back while DH stays with him. Not looking forward to the conversation but better late than never.

OP posts:
lucy101101 · 04/03/2016 04:59

I really wouldn't go! I had a childfree wedding but obviously babies, especially EBF ones, had to be be there and it all worked out fine.

Junosmum · 04/03/2016 05:05

We've been invited to a wedding when DS is 4.5 months. He's ebf, will drink from a bottle but won't settle until he's had the boob. I just said I couldn't go. Bride and groom we're a bit Hmm but when I explained they just said bring him. They'd no idea leaving babies wasn't straight forward. Are you sure they won't let you take him if you explain? At our wedding 18months ago we had a no children policy but babes in arms were an exception-we didn't put them on the invitation though.

2ManySweets · 04/03/2016 05:23

Why should they make an exception to their no kids rule just for you?

Also: people have child free ceremonies usually to avoid kiddy yelling through the service.

Regardless of how old your pfb is you need to show respect for the bride and groom and honour their wishes. They are entitled to their special day to be how they want it and expect guests to fall in line accordingly.

by explaining to your friend the change of position (nobody knows what having a baby is like until you actually have one) they ought to be understanding. Plus it's six weeks away so time is on your side. Chances are they'll opt to spend the money for your dinner on someone else who's on their reserve guest list (there's always one).

This situation is more common than you think and I think that your chums will appreciate your honestly and quite frankly rather you weren't at the ceremony with your baby so that they're not on pins about their vows getting drowned out.

But don't have an entitled attitude about how you ought to be able to bring your tiny baby to the ceremony and think about your friends' special day rather than what an inconvenience things are for you.

puglife15 · 04/03/2016 05:57

6 weeks is plenty of notice to cancel, we didn't submit meal numbers until a week or so before.

Unless they were very very good friends I wouldn't go, personally. We have been invited to a child free wedding when DS will be a similar age and declined... He is our second child though so we knew the deal!

cittigirl · 04/03/2016 06:22

Apologies as I haven't read the whole thread. Can you freeze extra milk to cover the time you'll be at the wedding? That's what I would do. Take a beast pump to the wedding to use if you need to.

Gracey79 · 04/03/2016 06:23

I wouldn't go it sounds more hassle than it's worth. I'd have just worried about feeding or pumping all day and whether ds was settled. Think this is why 'babes in arms' should be allowed.

annandale · 04/03/2016 06:30

I haven't much more advice but just to say that i would consider six weeks to be loads of notice - that's when the books say you should send the invitations out! Like others I had dropouts the day before and quite a few on the day - THAT was annoying though obviously stuff happens. Be clear about what you're going to do and let them know. And don't be too worried about what others think - get your matriarch face on.

LadyintheRadiator · 04/03/2016 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sandgrown · 04/03/2016 06:35

I think you should attend the bits you can . The GPS are obviously happy to look after baby and 20 minutes is not far for you to pop back when nothing is happening. Enjoy some adult time with DH.

ILikeUranus · 04/03/2016 06:43

Baby isn't invited! How wanky. I'd cancel. You don't sound like you're ready to leave the baby yet, lots of people aren't at 4/5 months, and the work arounds sound like total arseache. Just cancel and save yourself the stress.

diddl · 04/03/2016 06:44

I wouldn't go.

Going to a wedding should be fun & relaxing!

Not worrying about feeding/pumping & dashing from here to there to achieve it.

KERALA1 · 04/03/2016 06:57

Breastfed babies included in no children rule? Shocking. Heard it all now!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 04/03/2016 07:02

I wouldn't go and I say that as someone with a FF baby who is returning to work when DS is 4 months.

iyamehooru · 04/03/2016 07:09

Firstly your DC will be fine with PIL, not at an age to have any separation anxiety as long as his needs are met.

Secondly you've got time to express enough milk between now and then.

I know I may be sounding harsh but I honestly think you're stressing too much. Try to be positive, go and enjoy the day and time as a couple and relax your baby will be fine X

AnnaT45 · 04/03/2016 07:19

I would try and explain to friend. To be honest before I had a baby who I EBF I had no idea! If you explain you'll going back and forth or expressing in the loo she may understand. Or say if the baby makes a fuss (unlikely) we will leave. Agree with PP who said people think babies run around screaming.

That said I have attended weddings and just pumped in the loo or a quiet room (you could ask if there is a room you could use maybe). It's a bit of a pain but it's fine. If you do the medela manual pump is awesome!

Most of all Do what you feel comfortable with

Kbear · 04/03/2016 07:22

I am cut and dried about this - your baby is your priority and if you don't want to go because it's difficult/stressful/complicated or whatever, just say you can no longer attend. Apologies, nice gift, have a lovely day blah blah.

a REAL friend will understand.

When they have their babies, the bride and groom will understand.

Muskateersmummy · 04/03/2016 07:26

If other children are invited I would suggest that you speak to the b&g and explain that you won't be able to come because baby is ebf, so it's impossible to leave him for that long. They may well change their minds. We had to do this with our dd because we couldn't get childcare on the day of the wedding. The b&g said it was fine and rejigged things (organised her a little meal she was 3) and we all had a lovely day.

At our wedding we would have totally understood. I also know a friend who has had this situation, b&g have extended the invitation to include their child too.

B&g's are usually more accommodating than you think. If they aren't I just wouldn't go. Hope it works out op

magratsflyawayhair · 04/03/2016 07:26

I did what you are planning OP. Mum came to look after my EBF 5 month old so I could go to a child free wedding. It was awful, she wouldn't take the milk, mum had to come down to the wedding 30 mins away to feed, and to top it off other people had their babies there but my daughter and the son of our other cousin (same age) were also excluded.

I really resented the whole hung, didn't enjoy the wedding, left halfway through the meal and the relationship with the bride never really recovered. Her H would happily have had the kids there, he's the blood cousin, but she said no to us, I think to stop another family member's olde kids being there.

No your shoes, with what you describe, is speak to the bride to be, explain you can't leave baby all day, you didn't know how things would be before you became a mum, and that you'd love to be at her big day but it'll have to be either just ceremony or just evening, or whatever works best for you if baby really cannot be accommodated. But find the positive when you talk to her.

Fiona80 · 04/03/2016 07:51

I think it's too much hassle. Bringing ing PIL to babysit even though baby is not familiar with them, expressing milk and going back and forth. Too stressful. Maybe do just the ceremony and meal if he could last that long without you, do a test run, I wouldn't leave baby without trying it beforehand. I wouldn't be going back and forth and expressing milk through the day. Even then would only attend meal and ceremony if they were really close friends.

My babies all ebf and never took a bottle no matter how hard I tried and boy did I try everyday from the beginning so if it were me, I def wouldn't be going. Expressing didn't work for me either, so never left any of them for very long b4 they were weaned.