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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a wedding WWYD/AIBU

105 replies

JedBartlet · 03/03/2016 21:59

So folks. I have one DS, my pfb. Before he was born we were invited to a wedding, I am good friends with both the bride and groom. It's happening when he'll be 4.5 months old (next month). He is not invited.

The wedding is about 3.5 hours away, and is in a barn with a few beds in dormitory style accommodation as the only option to stay. So no having a babysitter hang out in a hotel room on the premises for example. DS is ebf and has had maybe 4 bottles of expressed milk ever, all given by DH. We've never left him with anyone else for more than 2 hours.

Before he was born I had no idea what it would be like, agreed to go, and asked PILs to come and help. They will be staying with family about 20 min from the venue. No ro for me and DH so we are booked into a b&b about 5 min from PIL (plan was to pick up DS on the way back from the wedding to bring him to the b&b with us). Are you still with me?!

Now that it's getting nearer I'm getting totally stressed by the whole thing. Wedding is at 2. Even if I express for PIL to give bottles I will have to physically feed him at some point or pump in the toilets in my wedding outfit. I don't feel I can keep asking them to drive back and forth so I can feed him every few hours, and I also think it will be upsetting for him to see me for a feed and then be taken away again. He has only met PIL 3 times and doesn't know them that well. They are really excited about spending time with him.

Is it rude to cancel (either me or DH or both) at this late stage? We will be inconveniencing PIL and bride and groom. Is there a middle ground not seeing? AIBU/pfb to think he won't cope without me for a day? Any suggestions gratefully welcomed.

OP posts:
Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 07:51

2ManySweets - it is not a child free wedding so they wouldn't be making an exception for me. Even if it were, I DO think an exception should be made for babies who don't have an alternative food source or are so small that they don't require a meal or a seat, if people really want their guests to be able to attend. I have never been at a wedding where a baby screamed loudly enough to drown out vows (or at all) and if the parents stayed in a ceremony while their child screamed, clearly the problem is with them and not the baby and they are the ones who shouldn't have been invited!

OP posts:
Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 07:56

Thanks again for further thoughts. I have decided I definitely don't want to express and dump at the wedding. It's noisy and I don't find it particularly comfortable and I don't want to sit in a toilet cubicle with a pump attached to release my swollen boobs instead of either being with my friends or my baby.
So that being the case if I want to go to the wedding at all (I do) I will have to get a timetable from b&g and work out what I and/or DH can go to and let them know ASAP. I know the bride particularly will feel terrible as she is a lovely person, which I really don't want but I just can't justify upsetting DS and myself for this.

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 04/03/2016 07:59

If she is a lovely person, I'm sure if you explain she will allow you to bring DS. It's not like he is an extra head that will need to be paid for. Good luck op

redexpat · 04/03/2016 08:03

Why don't you just ask the b&g if you can take him? They won't have to pay for his meal and it won't upset the seating plan. GPS can collect him at bedtime and take him back to your b&b until you get back.

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 08:12

I did ask the groom initially if he would be invited and he said no. When he was born the bride came to visit and was apologetic about it, she kind of blamed the venue but I didn't really understand it...I think if I asked they would feel guilted into saying yes and would then have to allow my other friend to bring his (1 month old) baby...I don't want them to feel pressured to let us bring him and then resent it. I will just say we can't go to all of it and then it's their choice rather than us asking directly.

OP posts:
2ManySweets · 04/03/2016 08:13

OP: re vows getting screamed through - I've seen it and it was awful, but yes you are right, the problem was with the GPs who were in charge of baby as daughter was a BM. It was so awful, the bride couldn't hear the registrar, total fucking shambles.

ANYWAY

I stand by the original point - the couple's wedding day is sacrosanct to them and what they want ought to be paramount. guests who challenge difficult messages like "no children" or "no non family children" are the pits. Couples know that it can be an unpopular decision and it makes the couple have to defend their position when they quite frankly shouldn't have to. Their wedding day, their money, their decision to invite you, their rules.

Personally as the mum of a teeny baby myself i would opt out if going and avoid the stress of the whole running round and stealth pumping thing. I'm expressing and bfing too and i wouldn't put myself, my baby, my mum and dad and potentially the happy couple under any strain AT ALL. The ramifications of pissing off the bride and groom on their big day can last for much longer than a decline to attend notice 6 weeks before the big day.

A wedding is one day only. And your friend may yet say "hey take the baby". What irks me about this situation is that when we have kids sometimes it means that some things just can't happen as they once would have and that's that. It's not the place of us new parents to expect the world to fit round us. Especially when it comes to other people's weddings.

It seems that this is something you have taken issue with when it would probably be the right and decent thing to just decline to attend, explain why and quit stewing over the perceived unfairness of it all.

Cornishclio · 04/03/2016 08:22

We have babysat our 5 month old DGD a number of times but she is FF and we have had her overnight regularly. As your baby is EBF and has not been left with your PIL before I think I would agree that you might be better missing the event as your breasts will be engorged and you will be worrying about your DS taking feeds. I think people either don't know or forget how your life changes when you have a baby. It is easier to leave them when they are older. Your friends have plenty of notice if the wedding is more than a month away. Just explain you are breastfeeding and it is not practical to be separated from your DS for that long.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 04/03/2016 08:25

"I DO think an exception should be made for babies who don't have an alternative food source or are so small that they don't require a meal or a seat, if people really want their guests to be able to attend."

That's fine. And presumably you did this for your wedding. But this isn't your wedding, it's someone else's and if they don't want to make an exception, well, that's fine too. As long as neither side bitch about the other for it.

*2ManySweets" is spot on.

Notagainmun · 04/03/2016 08:42

I would let them know that I couldn't go immediately. Sounds like too much hassle. I had a child free wedding as far too many friends had children to make it work without upsetting someone or other. It would have ended up three children to every one adult. So I had to put a blanket ban on all children. A close friend and a cousin were unable to attend because of bed babies and that was fine, I completely understood. Your friends may not be upset that you can't go. Talk to them now.

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 08:52

StillDrSeth - yes, we had children at our wedding, many of them!

I completely understand that other people feel differently and that's their right but I think if they want people with tiny babies to come they have to make exceptions. If they don't mind whether we attend or not then of course no exception need be made.

2ManySweets I'm hardly stewing or challenging their decision - it's started to bother me so I'm thinking about options and have said I won't be asking them to change their mind. Just FYI, in order to attend her hen do, tonight me, DH and DS are all driving 2 hours to the city it's in, and I am going to the place they're staying for the evening to spend time with her then going off to a hotel to stay the night with DH and DS - going back to hers the next morning for hen stuff and then driving home. I say this to show I am not averse to making an effort for people and I very much understand that life changes with a baby and you have to work around that - but a whole day and night without him is too much for me and I don't think saying I wish people understood that's difficult and made exceptions makes me entitled.

OP posts:
2ManySweets · 04/03/2016 09:02

Ok - it was harsh of me; apologies - subject hits a nerve with me from both sides of the issue.

A good chum will understand your predicament.

Good luck with your decision x
Flowers

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 04/03/2016 09:19

Jed There you are - you answered your own question. A whole day and night without him is too much for you, so you make the choice not to go. That's it. You're not wrong, they aren't wrong. End of. There doesn't need to be a big palaver over it.

An invite is just that - an invitation. Yes, you'd accepted it, but now there is a perfectly valid reason that you can't go, you're giving good notice, there we are. If they have a problem with it - well, ball is in their court. They can either make that exception (and I do think it is always for the hosts to MAKE, not for those with the issue to ASK), accept you can't be there with good grace or be arseholes. If they are the latter, then be grateful you've learned!

MissBattleaxe · 04/03/2016 09:32

OP- I think you are doing way too much people pleasing. My social life was very paltry when I had a little baby because it was easier to stay in than make a hundred arrangements so that people will still like me.

Just say " Can't come as I can't/won't/ don't fancy leaving the baby. When he's older it'll be easier"

Re: the bride and groom, give them a ring and explain the massive logistics that go into attending, explain that when you agreed to attend you didn't know how complicated it would be. I am sure if they knew about the PILs staying nearby and the breast pump in the toilet etc, they'd completely understand and probably be shocked at how complex it is for you.

Don't ask them to include your baby, but put it to them that after doing your best to figure it out, you will have to decline. No hard feelings, a lovely card and a gift. Job done. And don't go to the hen night either. FGS- who are you trying to please? All three of you driving two hours so as not to offend the bride?

Say this as a mantra "It's OK to say no to things when you have a small baby"

LaurieLemons · 04/03/2016 09:33

OP your DS won't feel upset at all, he will be just fine with your PILs. However, I completely understand not wanting to go because of the hassle and not wanting to leave him etc. I would ask the bride/groom if you can take DS (can't see the problem with a baby attending) and if not don't go.

Lweji · 04/03/2016 09:39

I agree with MissBattleaxe

But, if PILs were happy to have the baby overnight, I'd just leave DS with them and enjoy myself at the wedding. I'd leave frozen expressed milk, or just formula.

Your DS will cope without you. The question is whether you'll cope without him. Grin

Either is fine: go without DS or don't go.

All intermediate solutions are way too complicated and a hassle for everyone.

OTOH, I would definitely not go to her hen night. Why should you?

AndYourBirdCanSing · 04/03/2016 09:44

I personally think child free weddings are a bit wanky anyway, but to exclude a young ebf baby is ridiculous. I only know two couples who insisted on no children- I think they feel differently now they have children of their own!

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 04/03/2016 09:49

AndYour I'm going to regret asking this, as it must get asked on every childfree wedding thread, but WHY do you think they are "a bit wanky"?

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 09:54

MissBattleaxe and lweji- I'm going to the hen because I love my friend and want to spend time with her. It's not so I don't offend her, I want to go.

Lweji formula isn't an option for me and whilst I could use frozen milk I don't want to have to pump at the wedding so can't just go for the day and leave him with PILs.

Those saying DS won't be upset - are you just saying that or are they genuinely not bothered at this age?! I think he is quite aware - he always beams at DH when he gets in from work and seems more happy in my arms than with anyone else - but maybe I'm projecting?!

OP posts:
LogicalThinking · 04/03/2016 09:56

Altogether far too much stress. I would give most or all of it a miss.

Lweji · 04/03/2016 10:01

By 4.5 months I doubt you will need to pump that much. Your breasts will feel different.
And you could express easily in the shower at night and in the morning. Easier than pumping, IME.

Formula is simply fine. It's not poison or anything.

exLtEveDallas · 04/03/2016 10:15

I left EBF DD when she was 4 months old to attend a function that was really important to me (not a wedding). We were away from her for about 6 hours in total (got home in the early hours).

I swear my mum had aged 10 years in those hours Blush. DD had screamed pretty much the whole time. She was fed roughly every 4 hours at that stage - I fed her just before we left and had left 2 bottles for them. They got through both because it was the only time she was quiet.

When we got home my mum said "you are in for a bad night, she's really unsettled, maybe she's sick or teething"....I fed her, put her down, and she didn't make a sound until the next morning. I swear she knew I was home.

It was enough to convince me never to leave her again - and I didn't until she was about 6. In that period I think we had to decline (nicely) two weddings and two other functions. Conversely we also attended a couple of weddings where she was invited and she was perfectly behaved (even when going through the terrible twos)

DD was an unputdownable baby, a complete and utter pain in the arse. Some are. Thankfully they (mostly) grow out of it. There is no shame/harm in declining an invite that would make your life harder or needlessly upset your child (or you!). Most people would understand.

Fiona80 · 04/03/2016 10:25

The effort for the hen do seems too stressful. But good for you if you can manage.

I just decline nights out now as it is too much hassle, have 3 under 5s. I think by the time I sorted them out n manage to get out I'm too tired to enjoy myself. But I know in a year or so it will change so don't stress about not going out as it seems like more hassle, esp with bf babies.

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 10:40

Lweji I know it's not poison Hmm but why would I use it when I want to bf and DS wants to be bfed?

Hadn't thought that boobs might feel different though so thanks for that.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 04/03/2016 11:11

Lweji I can't comment about other people, we are all different, but when mine were 4.5 months I was feeding baby and donating a pint or pint and ha half a day to the local SCBU. My doctor said if I was a cow I would be a prize winner (good job we got on well.) I would have been in agony if I missed more than one feed even with expressing and no way could I have managed with just expressing in the morning and evening. It hurts me to think of how painful it would have been.

Lweji · 04/03/2016 12:06

why would I use it when I want to bf and DS wants to be bfed?

Fine, but it's still not a prison. The odd "junk food" is still fine and doesn't have to restrict either of you.

DS loved the breast, but he also loved his middle of the day bottles when I went to work at 16 weeks. They are not exclusive.