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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a wedding WWYD/AIBU

105 replies

JedBartlet · 03/03/2016 21:59

So folks. I have one DS, my pfb. Before he was born we were invited to a wedding, I am good friends with both the bride and groom. It's happening when he'll be 4.5 months old (next month). He is not invited.

The wedding is about 3.5 hours away, and is in a barn with a few beds in dormitory style accommodation as the only option to stay. So no having a babysitter hang out in a hotel room on the premises for example. DS is ebf and has had maybe 4 bottles of expressed milk ever, all given by DH. We've never left him with anyone else for more than 2 hours.

Before he was born I had no idea what it would be like, agreed to go, and asked PILs to come and help. They will be staying with family about 20 min from the venue. No ro for me and DH so we are booked into a b&b about 5 min from PIL (plan was to pick up DS on the way back from the wedding to bring him to the b&b with us). Are you still with me?!

Now that it's getting nearer I'm getting totally stressed by the whole thing. Wedding is at 2. Even if I express for PIL to give bottles I will have to physically feed him at some point or pump in the toilets in my wedding outfit. I don't feel I can keep asking them to drive back and forth so I can feed him every few hours, and I also think it will be upsetting for him to see me for a feed and then be taken away again. He has only met PIL 3 times and doesn't know them that well. They are really excited about spending time with him.

Is it rude to cancel (either me or DH or both) at this late stage? We will be inconveniencing PIL and bride and groom. Is there a middle ground not seeing? AIBU/pfb to think he won't cope without me for a day? Any suggestions gratefully welcomed.

OP posts:
ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 12:20

They are to some babies. My ebf 6 month old simply refuses bottles of formula, doesn't matter if you starved her. I had to be away from her for about 8 hours a few weeks ago, she just waited all that time rather than take formula. Neither am I able to express properly.

Don't assume that because something was easy for you, it is even possible for others.

Lweji · 04/03/2016 12:23

What I'm saying is the reverse. That just because a baby loves the breast the he needs it. He may well be fine with a bottle.

ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 12:28

Or may not. The point being, since its not your baby, you can't possibly say which it is.

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 12:39

Lweji I do feel he needs it. It's the best option for him and I would rather not go to the wedding than introduce formula when bf'ing is going really well and we both enjoy it. That's not an indication of my views on formula but on how much I am finding bf'ing worthwhile after a tricky start. I don't feel that it's a prison and it's not for long anyway.

OP posts:
magratsflyawayhair · 04/03/2016 12:58

Lweji seems to missing the point about choosing to EBF your baby. If a mum's made that choice don't be a knob about it. If it was an EBF mum passing criticism of a FF mum she's bloody know about it. OP is it using formula. Enough said.

And yes your baby might be upset. Mine wasn't fine. She screamed for the whole time I was away and only settled when I got back.

On the other hand others ARE fine and it's really your call.

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 13:01

Thanks magrats

OP posts:
IslaSinga · 04/03/2016 13:06

I definitely would cancel - I couldn't leave an ebf 4.5 month old for that long.

Lweji · 04/03/2016 13:43

I don't think I'm being the knob.

Obviously Jed can leave expressed milk.

And even if choosing to ebf it still remains that any odd bit of formula should be fine.

If she chooses to. Which I said is perfectly fine.

But I do find it odd when people justify their choices as because the baby wants to, because the baby never had the option anyway.

And it's just as valid to say my baby was fine as saying someone else's wasn't. For all we know Jeb's can be fine.
And what happens now may not be relevant in a month.

But, and as I said, it's still perfectly fine not to go, if Jeb doesn't want to.

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 13:47

Erm...he may not have had an option but I can assure you he is very keen Grin

I suppose I was trying to be diplomatic by not saying there is no way whatsoever I'm giving him a bottle of formula if it's not needed as bf'ing is better for both him and me and that's what I prefer.

OP posts:
GloGirl · 04/03/2016 13:50

You can't just obviously leave a 24 hour supply of breast milk. You've got to find time in a demanding round the clock schedule of feeding a 3 month old to start making a store. And that is only applicable if you are able to express and if your baby will drink it.

Introducing formula into the diet of a baby that is exclusively breast fed is not just fine either. I made that choice with both of my babies but I had different considerations and I'd never try and tell someone that didn't want to do it that it was obviously fine and would make no difference. It does.

TrashPanda · 04/03/2016 13:51

I went to a wedding when DS was 4 months old and ebf. We left him with my parents about 20 mins away and my mum bought him over for me to feed a few times and then left him with me and we stayed over. He wouldn't and still won't take a bottle of anything. He was a bit unsettled but he was safe and loved with my parents. It wasn't the ideal solution but it was the best we could do in the circumstances and I would do it again.

carefreeeee · 04/03/2016 14:02

I agree that if they really want you to go they should let you take your baby, and if they don't, then they can't be offended if you decide not to.

It's only 1 day and there will be plenty of other people. 6 weeks is plenty of time to cancel especially given the circumstances. Just send them a nice present and card instead.

If you want to go to just one part, decide which bit and ask them if it's ok. Otherwise don't feel bad about not going.

If you wanted to go to the whole thing I'm sure the baby would be fine. But it's not worth getting stressed about, and it's completely undestandable if you don't want to leave him!

elliejjtiny · 04/03/2016 14:04

With the pumping I would pump anywhere where you would normally breastfeed. I exclusively pumped for DS4 for 5 months and I just draped a muslin cloth over my boob and the pump and got on with it anywhere there was a seat and something to drink, same as breastfeeding. This was DC4 though so I was used to breastfeeding in public by then.

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 14:16

ellie I really take my hat off to you for that, I would bf anywhere happily but I don't think I would be at all comfortable pumping. It's nothing to do with boobs being on show but I have an electric pump and it's so bloody loud it would draw so much attention to what I was doing and I'd find that embarrassing.

OP posts:
FlowersAndShit · 04/03/2016 15:57

I'll get flamed to fuck for this but here goes.

I honestly don't understand why so many women on here act like breastfeeding martyrs. God forbid your baby can't wait a few hours for some breastmilk. I'm sure he won't really care, it will probably bother you more than it will him, he just wants to be fed.

Look, OP. Breastfeeding is all well and good but at the end of the day, it won't give your baby super powers or make them immune to common colds etc. It won't make him any smarter than babies who are formula fed. It won't make you closer or bond better, either. So why put yourself through all that, and kid yourself that's it's for your babies benefit?

ZiggyFartdust · 04/03/2016 16:03

Aw Flowers, do you want vinegar for that massive chip on our shoulder?

Your obvious issues with BF are your own business, don't load them on to OP or anyone else. No need to be a dick about it.

Original poster
JedBartlet · 04/03/2016 16:06

Put myself through all what?

I genuinely don't understand your post. What do you mean 'God forbid the baby has to wait for breastmilk...' What are you suggesting he does instead?

I have no problem with formula but I have chosen to breastfeed which actually (as I'm sure you know despite your very odd post) DOES have a whole heap of health benefits for both mother and baby, and introducing formula when it is not at all necessary can interfere with his digestion and introduce something his body isn't used to processing for absolutely no reason - maybe if I WANTED to spend hours or days away from him then it would be useful but I don't.

OP posts:
ColdTeaAgain · 04/03/2016 16:31

It's not about being a martyr, I fucking hate that old chestnut. It's about how you have chosen to feed your baby and nothing else.

Besides which, if a baby has been ebf, chances are they won't suddenly take a bottle for other people's convenience anyway, mine wouldn't.

AnnaT45 · 04/03/2016 16:40

Crikey! Flowers. Go have a drink and calm down before you post ridiculous comments like that

LogicalThinking · 04/03/2016 17:21

I breastfed because it was easier, not because I'm a martyr.
When you are breastfeeding, you need to either express or feed regularly and you have to factor that into your life for a relatively short period of time. When big events like this come up in that short period of time, it can be a logistical nightmare.
Flowers are you trying to claim that breastfeeding my children didn't give them superpowers? I feel cheated! I thought the would become immortal.

XiCi · 04/03/2016 17:39

I don't know why anyone would want to have their 5 month old at a wedding with them but each to their own.

I think in your shoes I'd go to the meal with DH, go back and feed DS in the time between the meal and the evening do. Then, as they are your friends and not DHs I'd probably return to the evening do to let my hair down and catch up with friends leaving him in the capable hands of DH in the b&b.

And yes, your DS will be fine getting fussed over by his GP. As they don't see him very often they must be looking forward to it as well. In the unlikely event he can't settle you are 20 mins away so it's not the end of the world!

Cressandra · 04/03/2016 17:45

Flowers where on earth did you get "babies don't care" from?! Some might be completely happy switching as and when, but plenty of others reject one or the other.

My eldest was mix fed and it was a real battle.

SisterMoonshine · 04/03/2016 18:10

I'd skip it.
I'm sure you won't be inconveniencing the PILs by cancelling either - I bet they're dreading it too.

HermioneWeasley · 04/03/2016 18:26

Honestly, I'd speak to B&G and see if you can bring DS. The rest sounds like a nightmare and weddings never run to time so you can't rely on a timetable.

I've never understood banning babies - noisy toddlers I can see, but how anyone can object to a baby being there is beyond me. Obviously assuming parents don't let it cry all the way through the vows. He's not even mobile, he'll barely be able to even sit up.

magratsflyawayhair · 04/03/2016 18:48

Yeah. Your fed on demand tiny baby can wait a few extra hours for their milk. That would work. What tosh.

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