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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this trip without DD?

166 replies

Glitterspy · 02/03/2016 11:03

Our family unit is me, DH, DD (just turned 3) and DS (12 weeks).

Here's our dilemma. My husband works in a consultancy/sales role for a big US tech firm. Having had a good year, he's being 'rewarded' with an all-expenses 5-day trip to a holiday location on the east cost of the US, with some other people from the company from around the world (we live in the UK). The trip is at the end of next month, dates non-negotiable.

The company don't allow children to go on these jollies, it's supposed to be adults only/bonding/relaxing sort of thing, but out of necessity do allow babies (it's a bit of a grey area), so the scenario we're presented with is either:

  • DH, DS and I go on the trip, leaving DD at home with loving and familiar G'Parents (however at 3yo she's stayed with them solo only a handful of times, and we were back by the time she woke the next morning, or at worst later the following day)
  • DH goes with a colleague from work, the rest of us stay home

I am totally torn. Cons: I feel horribly guilty about the prospect of going and leaving DD, and it's a long way should anything untoward happen to any of us. Pros: it would be a super trip, after 2 kids in 3 years DH and I really need some couple time (which we'd get as DS is a very easy baby), DD'd certainly live to tell the tale, and I kind of think I deserve a reward from DH's company too, after picking up the slack all year while he worked his arse off.

Vipers, please tell me what to do. Or flame me for being a selfish unfit mother who cares more about pina coladas than her own child

OP posts:
TeaOnEverest · 02/03/2016 18:03

Go! Baby sleeps in a sling all day, you get a well deserved holiday, DD gets one on one spoiling time with GPs. Can't see the problem.

Jux · 02/03/2016 19:03

Awaiting a very large gift. And a holiday with your best mate in the sun, for a week, without the children. At least Wink

Hulababy · 02/03/2016 19:12

I personally wouldn't have wanted to leave my 3yo for 5 days. So on that basis I wouldn't have gone. I would have spent too much time missing her and checking she was okay, not sure how much I could have "turned off" from it tbh.

Mind, not sure I'd want to spend a holiday with other people I don't know either. Will you be expected to socialise with them etc?

I'd also be worried how the travel would affect the baby. Just taking Dd on holiday within the UK at 13 weeks completely wrecked her sleep - she had slept through from 6 weeks. After that one week away, it messed everything up on that front and it was well over a year before she did it again! Jet lag could cause issues.

Other people are happier to do so. And that is equally fine though.

I would do a trial run first though - a weekend with grandparents, to see how you all get on.

Hulababy · 02/03/2016 19:17

Just seen update OP - sorry you are disappointed and the request for DS to go was rejected. Big pressie and some fun activities for that week.

ZenNudist · 02/03/2016 19:53

Just go. She will have a lovely time with grandparents

ZenNudist · 02/03/2016 19:54

That's a bit mean not letting babies come. If I were your dh I'd be pissed off.

ClarenceTheLion · 03/03/2016 00:55

That sucks OP, I'm sorry.

But perhaps it's something that should be brought up at some point, it's hardly family friendly, and I'm sure he'd enjoy the trip much more with you.

MrsJayy · 03/03/2016 08:44

Well make sure your dh doesnt leave his company so you can go the next time

BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2016 10:13

It's not mean not letting babies come. It's an adults work bonus company trip, not a family holiday.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 03/03/2016 11:48

I'd be a bit ambivalent about a trip like this as a bonus - does he have to go if he doesn't want to (I know he may well still want to even though he has to go alone now, but what if he didn't want to leave his wife home alone with a 4 month old and 3 year old, for all his employers know she could be struggling and it the idea of him going away could be causing the family a lot of stress and worry ...) Is he paid for his time whilst on the trip exactly as if he were working away, with any kind of extra allowances or time in lieu he would get on a business trip? Could it cost him anything (taxis to the airport/ airport parking for example) and if so are those things expense claimable or out of his own pocket?

Imagine it was a still breast-feeding, co-sleeping mother who had been back at work 9-5 for a few months and earned this bonus but really didn't want to go to another country without her BF baby for 5 nights... If it was actual work and an essential part of the job she signed up to do she'd probably have to suck it up and go, but if it is a "bonus" it would really grate!

JessieMcJessie · 03/03/2016 12:08

Imagine it was a still breast-feeding, co-sleeping mother who had been back at work 9-5 for a few months and earned this bonus but really didn't want to go to another country without her BF baby for 5 nights... If it was actual work and an essential part of the job she signed up to do she'd probably have to suck it up and go, but if it is a "bonus" it would really grate!

That's a really good point Schwabisch - is it not discriminatory of the company to ban babies if some of their employees may be breast feeding mothers? After all it's 5 full days away. OP, I know you're probably really fed up thinking about this trip now but I'd be fascinated to know what the whole tone of the trip is (I think I asked a few questions about that upthread).

Original poster
Glitterspy · 05/03/2016 22:26

Well, the trip was billed as a reward (on top of bonuses etc) and is free holiday days, taken out of work not personal time. No personal expenses would be incurred at all. So, not a bonus, but yes it seems even a bf mother would be expected to decline or to leave the baby at home. I agree it's discrimination but in the US where a 12 week maternity leave is considered the maximum perhaps it's more acceptable- for me as a Brit it feels pretty harsh.

The tone of the trip will be networky - lots of socialising (which I wouldn't mind it's par for the course really).

Still! Planning family holiday now and very excited to be doing that, so all's well. And this thread made me feel a whole lot better about it all anyway !

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 06/03/2016 20:08

Thanks for filling in the detail Glitterspy. Glad you're not too disappointed and have a fab holiday to plan.

OnlyLovers · 07/03/2016 09:55

It's a bit weird that they let you apply to bring DS, if the 'no children' thing is a blanket rule.

And in your OP you say they 'out of necessity do allow babies (it's a bit of a grey area)', but in their response they don't sound like they think it's a grey area at all; it sounds totally clear.

Dieu · 07/03/2016 11:26

You're mad to even ask! Go and enjoy!

Dieu · 07/03/2016 11:30

Oh no, have just read the update. So sorry, OP Flowers

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