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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go on this trip without DD?

166 replies

Glitterspy · 02/03/2016 11:03

Our family unit is me, DH, DD (just turned 3) and DS (12 weeks).

Here's our dilemma. My husband works in a consultancy/sales role for a big US tech firm. Having had a good year, he's being 'rewarded' with an all-expenses 5-day trip to a holiday location on the east cost of the US, with some other people from the company from around the world (we live in the UK). The trip is at the end of next month, dates non-negotiable.

The company don't allow children to go on these jollies, it's supposed to be adults only/bonding/relaxing sort of thing, but out of necessity do allow babies (it's a bit of a grey area), so the scenario we're presented with is either:

  • DH, DS and I go on the trip, leaving DD at home with loving and familiar G'Parents (however at 3yo she's stayed with them solo only a handful of times, and we were back by the time she woke the next morning, or at worst later the following day)
  • DH goes with a colleague from work, the rest of us stay home

I am totally torn. Cons: I feel horribly guilty about the prospect of going and leaving DD, and it's a long way should anything untoward happen to any of us. Pros: it would be a super trip, after 2 kids in 3 years DH and I really need some couple time (which we'd get as DS is a very easy baby), DD'd certainly live to tell the tale, and I kind of think I deserve a reward from DH's company too, after picking up the slack all year while he worked his arse off.

Vipers, please tell me what to do. Or flame me for being a selfish unfit mother who cares more about pina coladas than her own child

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 02/03/2016 12:12

A PP said tell her you have to go on a work trip with daddy thats genuis and true and relieves any guilt

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 02/03/2016 12:13

I'd go! My three all had "little holidays" with my parents from when they were about two. They got spoilt rotten and had a great time and I had a breather. When you are used to caring for two dc, one seems like a doddle, especially a portable baby! In my case, I was used to three, so two was easier, whichever child was having their "little holiday!"

I wouldn't fancy a week in a hotel with a lively toddler but, with an easy baby - sounds fab!

Perhaps try a weekend first (and enjoy a bit of peace at home!)

Yes to this! I would tell DD she is going to have a treat and stay at g.parents but you have to go with Daddy for work.. At 3 it is easy to make them feel they get the better deal. I remember going on my own "little holidays" with my grandparents and having the time of my life - it wasn't until I had dc of my own that it occurred to me that it wasn't entirely for my own benefit!!

The only disadvantage with mine was that they were rather more demanding than usual for a few days when they came home as they'd got used to undivided attention but it was worth it!

plumstone · 02/03/2016 12:13

Definitely go - Apparently I was aged three left with family friends (no GPs around) while may parents and six month old brother headed off to North America for a wedding (DF was best man) no lasting affects, apparently I had a lovely time, and discovered a life long love of peanut butter.

Dad admits that he felt marginally guilty at the airport on departure but a couple of pre-flight G&Ts and he got over it - different times Grin

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 02/03/2016 12:14

Can you try your DD out with a weekend with the grandparents (including a full day of being with them awake) billed as a fun treat, asap to see how it goes, and decide based on that?

If the grandparents are very happy to have her and make it special and fun for her I'd try leaving her with them for at least 24 hours before deciding, but if it all goes well for both grandparents and DD then you can go on the trip with a much lighter heart because you have evidence she will be having just as much fun, but if the grandparents are doing it a bit grudgingly and not really happy to do a trial first, and unwilling or unable for practical reasons to make it a special fun time for her then I wouldn't go.

I am not totally sure I'd want to do a transatlantic flight with a 4 month old for just a 5 day stay, but that is not what you are asking about!

TheLesserSpottedBee · 02/03/2016 12:14

Dh and I went to Venice for our wedding anniversary, just the two of us. Ds1 was 2 at the time and spent 2 days with one set of Grandparents and 2 days with another.

We had an amazing time. Of course we missed Ds1 but he had a whale of a time with the Grandparents.

Do it, life is too too short.

Frazzled2207 · 02/03/2016 12:14

Go as long as gparents are ok with it.
Not quite the same but i joined dh at a nice location for a few days when ds1 was 18months...i felt guilty but only until I got on the plane.
Send her to gps for two nights in the meantime so that she gets used to it more.

countrybump · 02/03/2016 12:18

Go! We did this with DS when he was 3 and DD was about 6 months. Slightly different in that we were visiting friends who lived overseas. They didn't have children at the time, were exceptionally good friends of ours and were planning to move back to the UK, so this was our last chance to go and see them in this city. We could have taken DS but decided not to because we wanted it to be 'grown up' time. We had to take DD as I was still BFing and she wasn't settled with anyone other than me at the time.

We had a great time, DD was easy and DS had a fabulous time with his grandparents, who also enjoyed the chance to spend some time with him.

GPs did come to stay at our house though, to make it easier for DS. He was having his own adventure with GPs, and really wasn't at all worried about what he was missing out on with us!

ShesGotLionsInHerHeart · 02/03/2016 12:18

I wouldn't leave a 3 year old behind. At 3 all she'll see is that her family are going on holiday and leaving her behind. I've got a 3 year old and can well imagine what his reaction would be; he'd be devastated.

MirandaWest · 02/03/2016 12:19

DH and I went to Spain for a few nights when DS was 2 and a bit and DD was 5 months old. DS stayed with his grandparents. Until then he'd only had one night away from me (when DD was born) and he was completely fine. As were we and it was easier with just DD. I'd do it in your position

BadDoGooder · 02/03/2016 12:19

Oh god DO IT!
I wish I'd left DS at GPs sooner, by now I could be happily having the odd childfree weekend. But no.....I knew best! Hmm
DS was BF until he was 3, but really could have gone days without it, so now I have a child, who at nearly 4, has never spent more than 3 or 4 hours away from me!!

But I have made my bed, don't you get in it too!!..........

Go and have a fabulous time!

timemaychangeme · 02/03/2016 12:21

If you'd like to go then I think you should.

Definitely agree with doing a weekend dry run to see how it goes. If you are happy and confident that they can look after her, although you will miss her, its 5 days which isn't very long.

Travelledtheworld · 02/03/2016 12:22

Raised my kids in the USA.
Go! It's a great opportunity while the baby is still little.

You need to get that baby a passport quickly ! I have just renewed a child one and got it back within 10 days. Use the Post Office check and send service.

Be warned that the baby will be on UK time and wake you up very early in the morning.....nap when he does to keep you sane.

And also ask if you can have a Junior Suite in your hotel and then you will get a kitchenette with Microwave and you can sort out baby food and bottles in the middle of the night. If the company are a bit hmmm about this, suggest you pay for the upgrade yourself.

If you are lucky the hotel will arrange a babysitting service then you can have dinner with your DH (and his work buddies).

Take your baby car seat with you and make sure you book a seat with a bassinet on the flight. Is the baby big enough to fit into a folding buggy ?

Enjoy, and don't feel guilty. Even if all you do is sit by the pool/ golf course with the baby in car seat you deserve some time off.

Don't forget nappies are called Diapers in the USA and Americans can be very disapproving about breast feeding in public.

Have a great time.

ProfGrammaticus · 02/03/2016 12:25

I think the toddler will be fine with GP. My concern would be the baby's jetlag.

MrsJayy · 02/03/2016 12:26

Baby is only going because thats where the boobs are going a 3 year old will know that the baby isnt going to be having fun she should be fine and not devestated.

HolgerDanske · 02/03/2016 12:30

Go.

CoperCabana · 02/03/2016 12:32

As a couple of others have said, I would be cautious as to how your DD will really feel about this. My youngest is 3 and she would be devestated if we all went away for 5 days without her, but her sibling is older, so I guess it is a different dynamic.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/03/2016 12:34

Personally I wouldn't go because I'd be uncomfortable being so far away from my 3 yo and her missing out. I would feel anxious, irrational I know. But we don't have hands on grandparents so I've never left the dc overnight. I know lots of friends who'd do it in a heartbeat. I also wouldn't fancy a long flight plus jetlag with a baby!

ShesGotLionsInHerHeart · 02/03/2016 12:36

MrsJayy is the 3 year old really going to care/understand that the baby is following the boobs? I think not.

If it was me it would be either all of us or none of us.

MrsJayy · 02/03/2016 12:41

Fair enough but if the little girl is going to be happy with her grandparents then its not a huge deal it will depend on the Dds nature if she will be upset if the baby goes I am sure the Op will judge that.

SideOfFoot · 02/03/2016 12:42

I wouldn't go, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a 3 year old and I wouldn't want to leave a 3 year old either. If I was going away I'd want everyone to go.

Original poster
Glitterspy · 02/03/2016 12:43

Yes - no question, no matter how much fun the GPs can offer her, DD will miss us badly, and will probably twig we're all together without her, whether for work or not. I know from bitter personal experience as a weekly boarder that 5 days is a very long time when you're sad and missing family - and that was at secondary school.

It's bad to leave her. It's bad to not go. Hence the dilemma!

OP posts:
LoveBoursin · 02/03/2016 12:44

Go, do a few dry runs for the weekend with the grandparents and make the stay at the grandparenst a really exciting one! See with them if they can plan some really exciting outings for her etc... something she will really be looking forward to.

At that age, she might not be able to understand that her db has to follow but she also has no idea what a hols in the US means. If that triop is made to looking boring (to her!!) but staying with GP a really exciting one, she will be delighted.

I think its worth remembering that 'missing out' is a very relative thing. Sje won't be missing out lying in the sun not moving. To be surrounded with adults where she has to behaved, cant run around etc...
She will enjoy a trip at the farm, going to the beach and jumping in puddles, having grandparents just for herself etcc... That will be really enjoyable and is exactly the sort of thing she would be missing out if she was going with you or if you were staying at home.

My dcs jave always really enjoyed staying at their grandparents and have done so since they were about 18 months old for a week at a time. It's fine :)

olivesnutsandcheese · 02/03/2016 12:47

Definitely go. I would bring back a lovely present for DD and expect her to be v spoiled by the time you get back. These opportunities don't come round very often.

LoveBoursin · 02/03/2016 12:49

Hold on. Please don't let your experience of boarding, which is a completely different issue, cloudy your image of leaving your dd in the UK. Boarding is about being away every week not just once in the year.
Once in the year is fun because it is a finite time. Every wekk is hard because in effect you don't have your mum and dad with you.

I have some fantastic memories of staying with GP as that age and I can NOT remember ever missing my mum and dad because... well I was safe and secure, happy, doing fun things, incvl all the ones my mum and dad didn't allow me to do etc...
My dcs have never said they were missing me. Actually we have often been met with a bored look 'oh you're here' type of things as they were still entrauled with playing with grand dad and we were basically curtailling the fun. They've also always been very happy to go there and ask for it!!)

CoperCabana · 02/03/2016 12:49

Poor you. It is a dilemma.

Other considerations:

  • you say it is a grey area being abke to take babies - what do you mean? I would hate to go, to find out DS wasn't welcome
  • he is an easy baby at the moment, might he be as easy if he finds the flight too disruptive, gets earache on the plane etc.
  • how much fun will it really be? Will DH be expected to shmooze all the time? Will you get your own time?

On the other hand, I can imagine how tempting it is!

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