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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go on this trip without DD?

166 replies

Glitterspy · 02/03/2016 11:03

Our family unit is me, DH, DD (just turned 3) and DS (12 weeks).

Here's our dilemma. My husband works in a consultancy/sales role for a big US tech firm. Having had a good year, he's being 'rewarded' with an all-expenses 5-day trip to a holiday location on the east cost of the US, with some other people from the company from around the world (we live in the UK). The trip is at the end of next month, dates non-negotiable.

The company don't allow children to go on these jollies, it's supposed to be adults only/bonding/relaxing sort of thing, but out of necessity do allow babies (it's a bit of a grey area), so the scenario we're presented with is either:

  • DH, DS and I go on the trip, leaving DD at home with loving and familiar G'Parents (however at 3yo she's stayed with them solo only a handful of times, and we were back by the time she woke the next morning, or at worst later the following day)
  • DH goes with a colleague from work, the rest of us stay home

I am totally torn. Cons: I feel horribly guilty about the prospect of going and leaving DD, and it's a long way should anything untoward happen to any of us. Pros: it would be a super trip, after 2 kids in 3 years DH and I really need some couple time (which we'd get as DS is a very easy baby), DD'd certainly live to tell the tale, and I kind of think I deserve a reward from DH's company too, after picking up the slack all year while he worked his arse off.

Vipers, please tell me what to do. Or flame me for being a selfish unfit mother who cares more about pina coladas than her own child

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 02/03/2016 15:14

Going against the grain but I wouldnt go. I just couldnt take one and leave the other behind. Either I would wean the baby and leave both (assuming willing GPs) or not go.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 02/03/2016 15:16

When DC3 was 3 we took DC1 and 2 aged 7 and 9 to Berlin for a long weekend and left DC3 with his grandparents - he would have been bored city sightseeing and a PITA and would have ruined it for the older two kids, both of whom desperately wanted to go to Berlin (we live in Germany and most of their friends had been and they felt they were the only ones to have been to London but not Berlin) and had pestered for the trip - meant nothing to DC3 at age 3 obviously.

DC3 was used to staying with his grandparents admittedly - but only because we had started the habit, never do it, never get used to it. As it happened we had started him staying on his own with them about one weekend a month at 2.5 because his German was a bit behind (they speak German to him and we speak English at home - the older kids had got in the habit of translating for DC3 both out and about and with the grandparents so his language skills hadn't developed the same way the older 2's did).

DC3 was more than happy staying with grandparents and never questioned not being superglued to his siblings at all times - as far as he was concerned he was getting the better deal (which is how we sold all the weekends he had his grandparents to himself).

HSMMaCM · 02/03/2016 15:16

I went when DD was little. DH and my mum arranged it as a surprise trip away. I hated it, had a miserable time and really worried about DD. When I got back DD asked when I was going away again and she'd had a fantastic time. I didn't take another child with me though ...

pinkiponk · 02/03/2016 15:28

We went to America for a week on our own and left out DS (1 year) with his grandparents. They loved having him for the week and we had a fantastic time! My PILS did this when my DH was small so it's sort of a family tradition. They all do it to help keep a marriage heathy.

Crazypetlady · 02/03/2016 15:35

I wouldn't take one and not the other regardless of age. I think it is just individual choice though

Joolsy · 02/03/2016 15:45

Guilt won't do you any favours. Remember she's probably going to be having a lovely time while you're away. Remind yourself you DESERVE this break. Don't let guilt ruin your holiday or you won't enjoy yourself. It's ok to miss her and feel upset from time to time but the 5 days will pass in a flash. Do you really want to spend the whole time feeling what is a pointless emotion in this case?

GO!!!!

wallywobbles · 02/03/2016 15:48

I did leave DD1 for a week every year, and DD2 from 1 year old onwards. Single mum, it was my break for the year, and I didn't give it up.

Honestly do your marriage a favour, and go. It'll do everyone good to have a break.

MyLocal · 02/03/2016 15:51

I would go, but not sure whether the East coast will be warm enough for a sun lounger at the end of April.

LeaLeander · 02/03/2016 15:51

My parents took vacations from when we were infants; we stayed with grandparents or my mother's younger sisters (would have been in their early 20s) took care of us. Or my dad's cousin and his wife, who had two little girls the same age as my sister and me. I have extremely early memories (c 22-24 months) of being at the home of the latter, having a great time and talking to my mom and dad on the telephone in my cousins' kitchen. And had a very warm relationship with one aunt in particular because she often took me around to her friends' (this was in the mod late 1960s/early 70s), let me help her paint purple flowers on the refrigerator or crawl under the flares of her giant bellbottom jeans, etc.

We loved those times and never had fits or tantrums at being apart from our parents, because it was always presented as a positive ("Week with Grandma! Fun adventure with aunties!") rather than some hangdog negative. I think it's important to raise children who are flexible and who have their own relationships with other people from an early age, rather than being clingy and dependent on only mother, or relating to people only n the presence of their mother. It stifles individuality.

And my parents certainly enjoyed their ability to travel and maintain their own identities.

OnlyLovers · 02/03/2016 16:02

I think it's important to raise children who are flexible and who have their own relationships with other people from an early age, rather than being clingy and dependent on only mother

Totally agree with this. And your family sounds ace, Lea. Smile

ParsleyTheLion1 · 02/03/2016 16:10

What about the GPs? I know my mum would find it utterly exhausting to look after my toddler for a week, so that I could have a nice time (i.e. not an emergency or a necessity)? If they are cool with it and it won't run them ragged, then I would go.

FigMango1 · 02/03/2016 16:15

Completely agree Lea, that's pretty much how I grew up too. I have lots of memories of spending time with other family members. My siblings and I became easy to stay with other people and my parents got to spend time on their own too.
Ops parents are happy to do the same. She will be spoilt for 5 days and if anything will be closer to them. I hope you decide to go. Smile

BestBeforeDate · 02/03/2016 16:28

When my DDs were small I used to accompany their father on work things once a year. They were left with grandparents, or grandparents came to stay once they were school age, or once a friend's nanny came to stay (they knew her well from playing with the friends) and 'nannied' all four for the week.

They always enjoyed the spoiling and extra treats/special outings they got, and obviously looked forward to exciting presents from exotic destinations. Definitely go, but as others have said tell your DD you have to help Daddy with his work.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 02/03/2016 16:34

I wouldn't leave one child behind, especially as she is at an age when she will know what you are doing.

Actually I wouldn't leave either of mine, I never have. But that's just me.

jackofall · 02/03/2016 16:37

GO!! We went skiing for a week without our boys when they were 3 & 1 - I mentioned it the other day (they are now 17 & 15) and neither of them even remembered us going or staying with grandma for a week! You need your relationship to last long after they have grown up and time as a couple is an essential part of that!

CoperCabana · 02/03/2016 16:37

I don't think many / any posters are saying that families need to be glued together at all times or that kids shouldn't stay with grandparents to give the parents a break / couple time. The main concern being raised is about how the older child will feel with the younger one going with the parents. With such a new sibling, jealousy could be a real issue for the DD. OP acknowledges this.

Jux · 02/03/2016 16:38

FGS go! Tell dd that she's going to have a fantastic holiday with gps.

If you do it sensibly she won't be upset, and won't really know what you're up to anyway, and won't have such a great idea of different countries is anyway. There's nothing wrong with taking ds and not taking dd. He is 3 months old and can't be left, she is 3 and can't go. So, she has the gos all to herself (and they will, somehow! manage to cope).

My parents had to go away on these sort of things, plus big family gathering a lot when I and my brothers were small. Mostly my little bro was taken as he was so young. Were we/I worried? No.

OTheHugeManatee · 02/03/2016 16:39

Go. Your DD will be fine.

LeaLeander · 02/03/2016 16:44

I wouldn't leave one child behind, especially as she is at an age when she will know what you are doing.

I guess that is the difference in outlook and how something is presented. Some see it as "leaving one child behind" while others approach it as "DD will have a wonderful vacation while growing her relationship with her grandparents and accomplishing a new milestone in her personal development, while we spend much-deserved time strengthening the adult marital relationship and bolstering my husband's career network at an incentive conference."

Glass half full vs. glass half empty. Operate out of fear or operate out of a sense of adventure and competence.

Original poster
Glitterspy · 02/03/2016 17:22

All, thank you so much! We had decided I'll go. Then the company emailed to say our request to bring DS (we had thought was a mere box-ticking sign off) was not accepted and repeat, no children are "allowed on site".

Waaaaaaaaaaah. I had started visualising the sun lounger (yes, it was Florida).

DH will go. I'll be at home with the kids -awaiting a large gift when he returns

OP posts:
elephantpig · 02/03/2016 17:23

I don't think you are excluding her, as your son wouldn't be invited if he was a 'person' - that isn't meant as a slight to your son!
He is only going because your boobs are going, not to have a whale of a time on holiday. You daughter doesn't have the opportunity to go - there is nothing for her to miss iyswim. You aren't all going on a jolly, you and your husband are going away and you have to take the baby to feed him.

I think you should pretend in your head that they are older, e.g your children are 6 and 3. Would you go then?
If yes, I think you should go.
If no, and you would then feel bad about leaving both, to go away with just your husband then don't go.

P.s I would go in a heartbeat.

elephantpig · 02/03/2016 17:24

Oh no!!!!!
Awful cross post Sad

middlings · 02/03/2016 17:42

Nooooo! This wins the disappointing thread if the week award AngrySad

OP that's rotten.

(Whenever DH goes to the US, I identify the closest J Crew to the hotel and put in an order. Just sayin')

starry0ne · 02/03/2016 17:47

Oh no .. All that debate...Surely they should of been more clear..Plan something lovely for the 3 of you for the 5 days/

OnlyLovers · 02/03/2016 17:59

Oh, how gutting, OP. I hope you and DH can have another break together some time soon.