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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

step child

150 replies

rochelle01 · 29/02/2016 23:06

Hi all, I am 34, recently had my first child to my partner who I have been with for 2 years. Our little girl was planned and we are due to be married soon. My partner has a 4 year old from a previous relationship, the mother announced the pregnancy after they split. He lives with his mum and spends one night a week with us and 2 days and more in hols etc. Since having my own child I have taken a dislike to his 4 year old. I don't want him here, I resent him for taking the time away from me and my first child, I don't want to feel this way but I really cant help it. Im on meds for post natal depression. Anyway I seem to have started another row this evening and I want to know what others thoughts are.I rent out a property that I had before my relationship with my partner therefore I am putting the £100 a month in her savings account aswel as her usual amount (my step son gets the same usual amount). My partner has said that this is unfair, I don't agree. I said we don't know what his son is getting from his mother and her side of the family, so he said fine he will ask her, I said you cant ask her if their son if in anyones will etc. He said he wants them to be treat fairly. I want to give my little girl the money from my property, its not my fault my daughter has a sibling to another mother who may or may not get money from her side of the family. Plus from my little girls side she will gro up knowing that he gets 2 birthdays/Christmases etc. Help please???????

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 01/03/2016 13:23

FFS. And this really will be the last thing I post about it. Walter, Ziggy, I can't understand why you are getting so worked up about a second child getting less when this is a thread about a child who is getting significantly more than the first child. But apparently you're okay with that, because only second children deserve to be equal with first children, but if first children aren't equal to second children that's just their hard luck. The hypocrisy is just mind blowing.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 13:26

The next time the mum of his first child takes him on holiday, is he going to make sure his second child also gets a holiday (the obviously the son won't go on because it has to be equal)
Is he going to buy DD extra presents due to his son getting presents from his mum at Christmas so that both children have exactly the same amount?
No and No.
Like I said, in blended families it will never be equal.

Tutt · 01/03/2016 13:30

Blended families can be equal Feeling if you aren't to wrapped up in what goes on when step child isn't with you!! Mine is.
Pathetic.

amarmai · 01/03/2016 13:30

i imagine you are pretending but the child will realise that you do not like him. As he wants to be with his father ,is he actually spending the time with him? do you think you can maintain a pretence as he heads into the teen years? This is a huge problem ,plus the division over the money. 50% of 1st marriages break up and way more 2nd marriages. You will have to make a decision soon before you add the legal ties of marriage. Postpone that until you can decide.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 13:31

It's not entirely different though.

Plus, here, we aren't even talking about the asset, but rather the income that is generated from that asset.

Which to me, counts as earned money within the relationship, in the same way the DP's salary from the job he had prior to the relationship is. Why should the OP be able to keep earned income entirely separate?

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 13:32

Tutt I'm not in a blended family thankfully. Until recently I was though so I'm going off my own experience.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 13:41

So taking this to its natural conclusion...

Man has a portfolio of properties that he gets a full time income from. He also has a job.

He meets woman, who also has a job. They have a baby together. Woman goes back to work and man becomes a SAHD.

Woman's salary pays the bills including the mortgage/rent on the property they live in together (which may have been hers prior to their relationship). What is left of her salary (let's say 50 each) is also used as the individual spends for the couple on a 50/50 basis, for clothes/coffees/lunch with friends etc.

Man says that his extra 1000 pounds a month from his rental income that he had prior to the relationship is his to spend however he likes, and it's not for the woman to share or have any input into what he does with it. He spends it on designer clothes and computer games. What he spends it on is none of woman's business. Woman can't have hobbies because she can't afford it out of her 50 pounds spending money.

Fair enough?

Waltermittythesequel · 01/03/2016 13:43

We have very different definitions of worked up, Bill.

ClarenceTheLion · 01/03/2016 13:43

Where did she say he can't afford any hobbies?

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 13:46

It's a hypothetical scenario, Clarence

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 13:48

Aye But when you start expecting your OH to provide an inheritance for your child because they want to do it for their own child, I imagine it's very easy to become protective over that money and to restrict their access to it. Who in their right mind has the right to say "you must give my child money because you give it to your own/our child?" Spouse or not, it's just entitled and grabby.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 13:48

their should say your

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 13:51

We aren't talking about the inheritance of the property itself though, we're talking about whether the rental income each month should count as family income.

So would you say the scenario I just posted is fair?

Guiltydilemma · 01/03/2016 13:55

I can't believe just how unsympathetic everyone is being to OP. She's been brave enough to admit not liking a 4 year whilst having post natel depression and everyone is flaming her for it. I didn't like my 4 year old much just after giving birth to my 2nd child and I didn't have post natel depression. Surely emotions are all over the place and the OP needs to be supported to rectify the situation. It will get easier OP. Please make sure you get the support you need to get through this and don't let the negative comments put you off talking through your feeling and getting the counselling you need.

PoundingTheStreets · 01/03/2016 13:55

AyeAmarok -good example. That does, of course, make him a twat. But it's still not a like -for-like example as you're comparing the adult's recreational lifestyles, not making provision for children's futures as in the case of the OP.

I think you make a good point tho about it bing earned income from the asset rather than the asset itself. That makes me partly reconsider. However, that could have implications for the asset itself if they got married. It can be a horribly complicated legal minefield when there are children from more than one relationship to consider. Fair doesn't necessarily mean the same and each case needs to be considered on its own merits, a process I don't think the OP is strong enough to go through right now.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 14:03

Aye Pounding said what I was going to say in that it is the adult's recreational lifestyles you are talking about and not providing for children's futures. Two different things. I'm sure if you love someone and want to have a happy relationship with them, you will make sure they have nice things and you do nice things either alone or together with that money.
As for providing for their child's future just because you are able to do it for your own? NO. Why should they? It's not a stepparent's job.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 14:05

And I'm sure the op's DP does benefit from that money. And his son does too. I'm sure she wouldn't see them go without, but It's just not up to her DP to dictate to her how it is spent.
She just doesn't want to provide her stepson with a lump son of money like she is doing with her daughter. Nowt wrong with that.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 14:09

Oh I don't doubt it's complicated. And TBH I can appreciate the position that the flat itself should be (at least majority) inherited by the OP's DD in the future. If the DSS was to be included then I think you could argue that the OP's half was hers to give to DD, and the DH's (if they do marry) half could be split 50/50 between his two DC. So DD gets 75% and DSS 25%. Can see an argument for both.

But the rental income I absolutely do not consider to be anything other than earned income within the family just like a salary would be, which should be put into the pot to contribute to their joint bills, and joint spending money.

ClarenceTheLion · 01/03/2016 14:11

The problem with hypothetical scenarios is that you can tailor them to make the OP look as bad as possible and make her DH (who let's not forget, sounds like a knobhead from the little we've heard) as sympathetic as possible.

Fact is, currently she is not married, and he has no claim on her money for his other child. And my last word on it - to the OP - is that you should not even consider marrying this man until you are both comfortable with this issue one way or another.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 14:13

Yes I can see your point there Aye that it should go towards bills etc... I understand that now. But I still think that if she wants to provide for her daughter with it and not her stepson then she should be able to, because she wants to make her daughter's future better. If she gave the same to her stepson then it is less on bills etc isn't it and less to enjoy right now. Her daughter should still get to benefit from her though if she has got the money spare.

NatNad · 01/03/2016 14:30

I felt that way about my partners daughter who was 3 years old at the time of my sons birth. But it resolved and I didn't resent her and for a short period only, and I don't resent her anymore. It's hormones, pnd doesn't help. What I resented was that my first baby wasn't "our" first baby but his 2nd due to his daughter, my resentment was misplaced on the child. I feel guilty of my feelings before and know it was wrong. Hopefully it's a temporary feeling and you will get thru it.

5BlueHydrangea · 01/03/2016 15:50

I think the feelings for the stepson are in a way natural when you have just had your own baby. Newborns are so consuming - time, love, needs etc.

I have a large age gap between my two dc and to be honest for a short time after having dd2 felt like that about dd1 and they're both mine! Once our family unit had adjusted to the presence of this new little person my feelings became more sensible too. I imagine yours would too OP.

Powertotheparalai · 02/03/2016 09:55

I think these feelings are normal and do eventually just go away.

I have a 6 year gap between mine and actually found that I resented my newborn when she was born for taking so much time away from my first born ()

It sounds ridiculous but I thought she would just sleep and I'd be able to smooth glide through and still spend quality time with my son.

It went eventually, it's just your body settling down.

Please don't worry too much

Powertotheparalai · 02/03/2016 09:58

Sorry should add- my son is from a previous relationship.

My daughters paternal grandparents (who are not together) have both set up a savings account for her but not my son, my son's dad's family has something for him so it probably evens out. I wasn't offended when they set something up for her and not him.

ClarenceTheLion · 02/03/2016 10:05

I doubt the OP is coming back...

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