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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

step child

150 replies

rochelle01 · 29/02/2016 23:06

Hi all, I am 34, recently had my first child to my partner who I have been with for 2 years. Our little girl was planned and we are due to be married soon. My partner has a 4 year old from a previous relationship, the mother announced the pregnancy after they split. He lives with his mum and spends one night a week with us and 2 days and more in hols etc. Since having my own child I have taken a dislike to his 4 year old. I don't want him here, I resent him for taking the time away from me and my first child, I don't want to feel this way but I really cant help it. Im on meds for post natal depression. Anyway I seem to have started another row this evening and I want to know what others thoughts are.I rent out a property that I had before my relationship with my partner therefore I am putting the £100 a month in her savings account aswel as her usual amount (my step son gets the same usual amount). My partner has said that this is unfair, I don't agree. I said we don't know what his son is getting from his mother and her side of the family, so he said fine he will ask her, I said you cant ask her if their son if in anyones will etc. He said he wants them to be treat fairly. I want to give my little girl the money from my property, its not my fault my daughter has a sibling to another mother who may or may not get money from her side of the family. Plus from my little girls side she will gro up knowing that he gets 2 birthdays/Christmases etc. Help please???????

OP posts:

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 10:07

It has nothing to do with love and everything to do with providing as much financial security to your dc as you can.

That's how I see it as well.

God forbid the OP having an asset of her own and deciding what she wants to do with the money that comes from it. Why should a man who comes in to her life get to dictate what she does with it? She wants to make sure her daughter benefits from it in the future. It's not her fault her partner doesn't have the same to give to his son. It can't always be equal.

Any joint assets, benefit both children. Any assets that belong to him should go to both children as both children are his. He chose to have a child with another woman after having one with the mother of his first child.

Littleelffriend · 01/03/2016 10:22

Aeroflotgirl-I will not what?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 10:31

little I meant nobody expects you to love your stepkids like your own, but you will mabey develop a different bond with them

Littleelffriend · 01/03/2016 10:42

Oh, yes I agree. It's just that I've been completely slated on another thread for saying similar.

isupposeitsverynice · 01/03/2016 10:42

I think it's a lot more common than people admit, to feel very resentful to step-children. Especially when the step-parent then gets a baby of their own. Of course it's not ideal, but you're doing better than most to admit it and work to fix it. I can't advise you about money, I don't have any, but good luck in repairing your feelings about your step-son. I hope you're successful.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 11:06

It's ok to have a different bond little, you have a different bond and connection to yiur stepchildren as yiu do your own. If I were a stepparent, I woukd want to be more of a nurturing influence supporting my partner in parenting stepkids, than jump in there trying to be their mother, which I am not, they already have one. I am not a stepmother btw, but speaking hypothetically.

ZiggyFartdust · 01/03/2016 11:14

Jesus, I am absolutely astounded by all the people on here saying that the money belongs to the OP and it's fine. Whenever I've seen a similar thread where a man has made a unilateral financial decision which doesn't benefit the whole family the MN consensus is normally that money is family money and should go into a shared pot where decisions are made jointly

You're astounded? It can't be family money, they aren't much of a family. What you have is a woman with a baby, a boyfriend who comes at weekends, and the man's son who lives with his own mother. I can't imagine why anyone would think OP should give the income from her own rental property to her boyfriends son. Bizarre.

Deletetheheat · 01/03/2016 11:17

I don't think anyone sensible and reasonable thinks step parents have to LOVE their kids.

You either do or you don't.

But every single step parent must work very hard to welcome, to like, to accept and to understand their step child no matter how 'difficult' they are.

If not they have no business being in a relationship with someone with children.

It's a minefield in terms of finances, practicalities and emotions.

But all the children involved have to come first.

They didn't ask for their parents to separate and they shouldn't suffer as a result of parental choices.

ClarenceTheLion · 01/03/2016 11:30

BillSykesDos - absolutely. If the OP was putting more money into their dd's account but not their ds's, I'd be horrified. But that's not the case.

If a woman said "My DP has some separate income and he puts extra money in our dc's account, but not as much into the account of my child from a previous relationship" I'd think, fair enough!

They're not even married, so (I know people differ on this) it's not officially 'family money'. When and if they do marry, it would be something to discuss.

^ THIS!

BillSykesDog · 01/03/2016 11:49

They've set up home together. If they're not enough of a family for him to be paying for that home I guess you're right. But if the OP is being subsidised by him (which most women on mat leave are) but is withdrawing enough of her own income from the family finances to do this for her own child but at the same time make it unaffordable for him to do the same for his other child then yes, she should be returning her income to the family pot unless it's affordable for them both to do the same. Because she's withdrawn that £100 from the family finances he would have to find £200 (£100 to pay bills, £100 to give to his son) to make it fair.

I guess what you're saying is that they're enough of a family for his money to be common property, but not enough of a family for hers to be. Which comes back to the same again, his money belongs to both of them, her money is hers? What planet is that fair on?

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 11:56

No.

We have a family unit of a man, woman and their SHARED chil who all live TOGETHER.

Man works away during the week.

Man has son from previous relationship.

Man and woman are getting married soon.

Therefore all assets will be shared, including this rental property.

This is where it gets messy. And why I think that in blended families, some aspect of separate finances need to be considered. The man has two children to provide for, the OP has one.

ZiggyFartdust · 01/03/2016 11:59

Therefore all assets will be shared, including this rental property

Who says? What law says you live with a man 2 days a week and therefore all your assets are shared? Or even you live full time with a man, and all your assets are shared? They aren't married, their assets are only shared if THEY CHOOSE THEM TO BE.
Not because MN randoms tell them they have to be.

Honestly, are people here either too dim to realise everyone is different, ro so arrogant they think their way is the right way and everyone else needs to do as they say?

ClarenceTheLion · 01/03/2016 12:02

Actually, do they live together? i assumed someone took that info from a previous thread.

But the ds does have another parent, and I don't think it would be inappropriate to find out if she is saving for him too. If this guy has one mother saving £100 for his ds, and another saving £100 for his dd, it all balances out.

But money is a topic to be discussed before marriage. As it stands, she's clearly in a shaky relationship with her boyfriend, and there's not much point committing to giving his ds money every month if at a near point in the future he won't even be in her life anymore.

ClarenceTheLion · 01/03/2016 12:03

I think Amarok was saying that the rental property money will be shared once they marry, which is true unless the OP takes the legal steps to keep it separate.

PoundingTheStreets · 01/03/2016 12:04

But if the OP is being subsidised by him (which most women on mat leave are)

No she's not. She's providing childcare while the father is free to carry on earning without that responsibility. They are both equally dependent on the other to facilitate each other's roles.

If the OP and her DP get married, the house could easily be considered a pre-marital asset in any future divorce because it was bought and paid for before the onset of the marriage. There is no hard-and-fast law about this AFAIK, but there is certainly lots of precedents.

So at this stage, it is entirely the OP's choice whether she wishes to protect the likelihood of that asset being kept a pre-marital asset. To do that, she needs to keep it separate to the joint assets, which would include not using any income from it in ways that could be considered to affect the marriage. If she ploughs income from it into the marriage, including to the DP's other child, she is including it in the marriage and giving her DP a potential share of it should they divorce, or 100% of it should she die.

Now if both DC were the OP's and her DP's that would be all well and good - why would you want to deprive your OH and your children of your material wealth in the event of your death? But if you have blended families or children that aren't the product of your marriage/relationship, it is different. The OP could end up with a situation where she dies, her then DH inherits, he remarries to a woman with DC of her own, dies, leaves house to new wife, who then leaves it all to her own DC without either biological child of the DH getting anything, let alone the OP's own child.

Things are different when there are blended families. Our legal system just hasn't caught up with it yet.

OP I think the biggest thing you need to concentrate on right now though is your PND. The way you feel is not necessarily how you'll feel when you're well, and at this stage you can't know how much of what you feel is due to PND and how much is a genuine issue in your relationships. Please be gentle on yourself right now. As long as you are making an effort to be nice and kind to your DSD when you see him, don't beat yourself up about it right now; just concentrate on getting better. Things will all become much clearer then.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 12:06

Bill Why does he need to find £100 to give to his son just because the OP has the money to give to her (their) daughter? In blended families it can't always be equal.
If the op's dss's mum had a rental property and she put £100 away for him, would you suggest that the op's DP puts £100 away for the baby DD so that the children both have exactly the same?
The kids have two different mums, two different sets of extended families, two different potential opportunities/inheritances. That's just the way it is in blended families.

BunnyTyler · 01/03/2016 12:06

Ziggy, the actual full quote that you partially quoted was:

^Man and woman are getting married soon.

Therefore all assets will be shared, including this rental property.^

You said:

Who says? What law says you live with a man 2 days a week and therefore all your assets are shared? Or even you live full time

They are getting married.
This is the law that says all assets will be shared.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 12:06

Honestly, are people here either too dim to realise everyone is different, ro so arrogant they think their way is the right way and everyone else needs to do as they say?

Charming.

OP says they are getting married. Therefore, they will all be marital assets.

Just like when men buy their own property, pay the mortgage themselves, meet a woman and she moves in and gets married and have a baby, it's a marital asset.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 12:08

My partner has a 4 year old from a previous relationship, the mother announced the pregnancy after they split. He lives with his mum and spends one night a week with us and 2 days and more in hols etc

The "HE" here is the DP's SON! Not the father.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 12:19

I work away during the week.

I live with my DP in our shared home together. Our home is my home, even if I am sometimes only there 2 days a week.

My home is not the Radisson!

ZiggyFartdust · 01/03/2016 12:21

They MIGHT get married. They might not. As it stands, they are not, so your shared assets idea is premature.
Not to mention that many married couples CHOOSE not to share all their assets or money, and the law does not require them to.

RubbleBubble00 · 01/03/2016 12:24

Could u be feeling resentful because dp works away and is only home for a weekend. My own dp works away during week and it's very tough to fit everything in on a weekend - often our relationship gets neglected as dc come first.

Could dp see the money your only giving to dd as a sign of rejection on his ds?

You really need to sort money out before u get married. Is your money from house before going to be joint once married? I personally would be saving the same for both children if your finances are joint

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 12:28

Yes, you will see that that is why I said:

Therefore all assets will be shared

Note the tense.

Honestly, before you start getting all uppity about how stupid everyone else is, try reading the thread properly.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 12:29

In your situation OP I would make sure you keep that property separate when you get married. If you make it his asset and you then divorce for example, you could have moved in to it but if he owns half of it you will not have a home there waiting for you once the tenants move out. You will have to start from scratch. Think about you and your DD and what COULD happen- pessimistic I know. That's a big reason enough to keep it just in your name.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 12:37

It doesn't matter if it is kept in her name though. Once they are married it will still be considered a shared asset of their marriage. Unless she gets a prenup.

Yes, it's possible that a judge would let her keep it if the relationship was short and it was hers before and she needed it to house her and her DD. But if there were shared debts then they would need to be paid for first with that flat.

Despite what Ziggy says, the law does consider married couples to have shared assets.

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