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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

step child

150 replies

rochelle01 · 29/02/2016 23:06

Hi all, I am 34, recently had my first child to my partner who I have been with for 2 years. Our little girl was planned and we are due to be married soon. My partner has a 4 year old from a previous relationship, the mother announced the pregnancy after they split. He lives with his mum and spends one night a week with us and 2 days and more in hols etc. Since having my own child I have taken a dislike to his 4 year old. I don't want him here, I resent him for taking the time away from me and my first child, I don't want to feel this way but I really cant help it. Im on meds for post natal depression. Anyway I seem to have started another row this evening and I want to know what others thoughts are.I rent out a property that I had before my relationship with my partner therefore I am putting the £100 a month in her savings account aswel as her usual amount (my step son gets the same usual amount). My partner has said that this is unfair, I don't agree. I said we don't know what his son is getting from his mother and her side of the family, so he said fine he will ask her, I said you cant ask her if their son if in anyones will etc. He said he wants them to be treat fairly. I want to give my little girl the money from my property, its not my fault my daughter has a sibling to another mother who may or may not get money from her side of the family. Plus from my little girls side she will gro up knowing that he gets 2 birthdays/Christmases etc. Help please???????

OP posts:

PirateSmile · 01/03/2016 07:18

I'm sure the step son would much rather have a decent relationship with his sibling and her mother than money. I feel terribly sorry for him. None of this is his fault.

BillSykesDog · 01/03/2016 07:20

I agree recovering from PND is the priority here.

SoupDragon · 01/03/2016 07:27

How did you feel before having your own child?

As for the money, I would not expect XHs current partner to put money into my children's savings accounts. That would be weird IMO. I expect their father to deal with the fairness of that kind of thing. Fairness in how they are treated when in his house or "family stuff" is different -that is when they should all be treated the same.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 07:31

Yabvvu apwith regards to your partners 4 year old ds; you are aware of that and are getting quite rightly help for this, which is what you need to do if the relationship between you and your dp can survive. tThey come as a package, you cannot pick and choose. It is brave of you admitting your feelings especially on AIBU, that is the first step.

With regards to your money, you can leave it with who you want. If you just want to leave everything to your dd, that is your prerogative.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 07:42

You certainly need to sort your feelings out before you permenently comitt yourself to this man and child.

Rebecca2014 · 01/03/2016 07:47

Strange,I felt that way about my ex and his child but I was only in my early 20s (20,21) when I had my own child,I actually grew up and realized how irrational I was being. You are a 34 year old woman! Lol.

dolkapots · 01/03/2016 08:04

I'm sure the step son would much rather have a decent relationship with his sibling and her mother than money. I feel terribly sorry for him. None of this is his fault.

^This. I am a step child on two sides. I will not inherit anything from my father (my sister will though) and my step father has 4 children, ie my step siblings. My DM earned more than SF but my sister and I have insisted that their will is to be split 6 ways, with us all getting a sixth rather than DM and SF splitting 50:50 and then leaving to their own children. It is of no interest/business to me what inheritance my step siblings will get from their mother. I am much more concerned about keeping my rather complex family ties.

If you are committed to someone (esp when they have existing children) you really need to see yourself as a family unit. If you cannot do that then it is probably better to go separate ways. My own DM wanted to ring fence money for just my sister and I and I was really against that; in a "normal" family everything will be equal and i would rather have as normal a family than extra money.

dolkapots · 01/03/2016 08:07

Hope the meds start kicking in soon OP, and congrats for the baby

Notagainmun · 01/03/2016 08:24

When I started reading this post I was on side with the OP about the money, however since reading all the posts I have completely changed my mind. If the property, and income from it, was the partner's and she had a child from a previous relationship, then he would be expected to include her child fully.

I understand the turn around in your feelings for your stepchild OP ( some sort of biological instinct) but you really have to imagine if it was your child in his circumstances. Act the part of a loving step mum and these feelings will pass. Talk these feelings through with your GP or health visitor.

Congratulations on your baby.

maydancer · 01/03/2016 08:52

It is quite normal to go off your own older children a little bit in the early days with a new baby so feeling like that towards a stepchild is to be expected at the moment.As time goes by and the PND improves I think you will see things differently.
I don't think yabu with regards to the money.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 08:58

I don't think YABU regarding the money, and I would say that you whether you were a man or a woman. When it comes to inheritance etc I would say to man or a woman that their children come first.
I hope you get all the support you need for PND. Depression is nasty and can make you think irrationally.

LogicalThinking · 01/03/2016 09:00

Jesus, I am absolutely astounded by all the people on here saying that the money belongs to the OP and it's fine. Whenever I've seen a similar thread where a man has made a unilateral financial decision which doesn't benefit the whole family the MN consensus is normally that money is family money and should go into a shared pot where decisions are made jointly.
But they are not a joint family unit with joint family finances. They don't live together. That makes all the difference. If they do move in together, then they will need to work through how finances will work. Until then, the 4yr old is her boyfriend's son and the OP has no financial responsibility for him.
I suspect that this whole issue will become bigger and bigger over time.

annielouise · 01/03/2016 09:07

Did I miss that they don't live together? They're due to get married so presumably they will if they're not already.

I completely agree with BillSykes. Astounded that so many said it's her money to do with as she pleases. It's communal money if they're living together, or soon to be. It's what she is putting in the pot while she's presumably not working after having a baby. If they are living together she's using her money as she sees fit but her partner is paying for everything else - not fair. If it was the other way round the answers would have been so different.

BillSykesDog · 01/03/2016 09:10

Logical, they DO live together, he just works in the week. It's the SS that lives with his mother, not the DP. And presumably like most families where they work away that doesn't mean that the DP is contributing to the household.

lunar1 · 01/03/2016 09:11

While you don't live together the money is irrelevant, when it becomes a family pot it's different and the children must be equal.

I would urge you to not rush anything. You need to get past this if you stand any chance at a future together. Take you time, plenty of it and step back from your boyfriends child until you feelings start to change.

You won't be hiding your feelings as well as you think you are.

annielouise · 01/03/2016 09:12

That's how I read it too Bill - the step son lives with his mother, not the OP's partner. They live together even though he's away during the week. They've set up house so they're in it together and whatever money is coming in - including rent from a previous property - needs to be communal and they both decide. She can't remove £100 from the pot unless he can too. Perhaps there's not enough for both to get £100 in which case compromise on a lower amount. But if you're partner is paying for everything else as he's working right now and you're not then what you're doing is not fair.

Hairyfairy01 · 01/03/2016 09:16

OP what will happen to your finances when you get married? Have you thought about your wills? Your ss is just as much a part of your family as your dd to your dp, and hopefully to you soon. I think you really need to sit down and have a big chat about things.

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/03/2016 09:25

I pay some money into a savings account for ds every month, dh pays his ex maintenance but also an allowance directly to dsd who is now 16. In all other ways they are equal - money for presents and days out etc come out of a family savings pot and ds and dsd are treated the same, I couldn't have it any other way as she's part of our family. I treat her to things when we go shopping together etc because I love her and love having her as part of our family. Perhaps weirdly I've actually been much closer to her since ds was born - the relationship they've developed is just amazing and of course I now know what it's like to be a mum. If I would do anything for ds, then I know how dh feels about his dd. I think your feelings for your dh's 4 yo are what need addressing in the first instance. Although they may well be a result of your pnd, your baby deserves a close and loving relationship fostering with his younger half sibling and your dsd deserves not to feel like an outsider when she is older. You will reap the rewards of your efforts ten fold.

IJustLostTheGame · 01/03/2016 09:26

You really need some professional financial advice on this.
I have a dsd, she is barely ever here but I love her.
I also have some property from my side of the family. It is in trust in my name. DH and I own property jointly as well.
My will stipulates that my dd will get my properties. Our wills stipulate any joint assets get split between dsd and dd, slightly favouring dd. The majority of my jewellery etc will go my dd. But there are things for dsd. I would never leave her out.

I don't feel bad about this.
Dsd has another family as well. My dd doesn't. She just has us.

Loqo · 01/03/2016 09:27

The OP DOES live her DP!! It's the DSS who doesn't live with them.

OP, did you discuss finances before moving into together. Starting a new relationship, moving in and having a new baby all within two years is madness very rushed and I'm not surprised you've run into teething problems (no pun intended). New babies are testing for many relationships but in such a new one must be very difficult.

I think you should try and sit down with all your financial paperwork and hash everything out. If you want to spend your life with this man you are both going to have to stop with the arguing and start being a bit more pragmatic. If you sort out the 'rules' and practicalities of your relationship then you might find the emotional parts a bit easier.

It's worrying that you feel resentful towards your stepson. Keep reminding yourself that he is your child's brother and your DPs son. If you love them then you should be wanting the very best for your stepson. None of this is his fault.

Littleelffriend · 01/03/2016 09:34

I've noticed that on most threads involving a step parent who is struggling with their feelings towards a step child, people automatically start this "you chose to get into a relationship" and "you knew he had a child". I sympathise with the OP, it's very hard being a step parent, the situation isn't perfect. However, the OP is clearly trying to work through her feelings.
I am a step mum, I find it very difficult. I did not know how difficult I would find it before it happened, as I had never done it before. I try my best, but will never feel about my step child the way I feel about my own. I may get slated for it, but I'm being honest.
Congratulations on your baby OP, and congratulations for having the courage to admit that you're finding the situation difficult. You're human.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 09:34

Really this attitude about only your money going to your dd has to change. Once you get married, this cannot happen, you are officially a family unit iyswim, even if your dp puts money aside for ds, it might probably be from family money I.e the money you earn.

lunar1 · 01/03/2016 09:36

Oh I'd read it that the dp lived with his mum!!

Well if they are living as a family then they should be treated the same way.

Poor boy, having to share girls time with his dad with a woman who doesn't like him.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2016 09:36

No little you will not, nobody expects that, but mabey develop a different type of relationship with your step children.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/03/2016 09:52

If the property, and income from it, was the partner's and she had a child from a previous relationship, then he would be expected to include her child fully

Really? I wouldn't expect that.

It has nothing to do with love and everything to do with providing as much financial security to your dc as you can.

I don't think OP is wrong in the slightest to provide for her biological children.

I would hope that the feelings of resentment are a symptom of her illness rather than anything else.

If not, that is a massive problem.

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