Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

step child

150 replies

rochelle01 · 29/02/2016 23:06

Hi all, I am 34, recently had my first child to my partner who I have been with for 2 years. Our little girl was planned and we are due to be married soon. My partner has a 4 year old from a previous relationship, the mother announced the pregnancy after they split. He lives with his mum and spends one night a week with us and 2 days and more in hols etc. Since having my own child I have taken a dislike to his 4 year old. I don't want him here, I resent him for taking the time away from me and my first child, I don't want to feel this way but I really cant help it. Im on meds for post natal depression. Anyway I seem to have started another row this evening and I want to know what others thoughts are.I rent out a property that I had before my relationship with my partner therefore I am putting the £100 a month in her savings account aswel as her usual amount (my step son gets the same usual amount). My partner has said that this is unfair, I don't agree. I said we don't know what his son is getting from his mother and her side of the family, so he said fine he will ask her, I said you cant ask her if their son if in anyones will etc. He said he wants them to be treat fairly. I want to give my little girl the money from my property, its not my fault my daughter has a sibling to another mother who may or may not get money from her side of the family. Plus from my little girls side she will gro up knowing that he gets 2 birthdays/Christmases etc. Help please???????

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 01/03/2016 12:39

If the op's dss's mum had a rental property and she put £100 away for him, would you suggest that the op's DP puts £100 away for the baby DD so that the children both have exactly the same?

Exactly.

And the OP can make sure that the property is kept out of mutual assets, which is what she should do.

BillSykesDog · 01/03/2016 12:40

No she's not. She's providing childcare while the father is free to carry on earning without that responsibility. They are both equally dependent on the other to facilitate each other's roles

Oh so know we're talking about his money they're suddenly 'equally dependent'. But when it's her money she's suddenly 100% independent?

Nobody is talking about the actual equity of the house BTW, they're talking about an income the OP receives above and beyond that but still classes as hers alone. And that gets us back to the same point again, why does his income belong to both of them but her income just to herself?

If the op's dss's mum had a rental property and she put £100 away for him, would you suggest that the op's DP puts £100 away for the baby DD so that the children both have exactly the same?

Read the OPs posts. That's what the OP wants. She's asked her DP to find out how much his mother gives him and if he is due any inheritances because she thinks when it comes to her daughter these should be taken into account so that her daughter is equal. But she won't take into account any of the same when assessing what her daughter should get into comparison to SS. So the OP is insisting that if SS has advantages of inheritance/savings from his mother they should be equal. But when looking at it from her daughter's side she is saying that the same things shouldn't be taken into account as far as making things equal goes. It's just not fair. In fact, I think it would be perfectly reasonable for the father to say in these circumstances as his daughter will inherit her mother's rental property using exactly the same principle of fairness he's going to stop paying his portion of the savings to DD and put it all into DS's account because she is getting an inheritance.

But then I'm assuming that we will again get back to people insisting that's not fair because his income belongs to the whole family and hers just belongs to her.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/03/2016 12:43

You do know that the dp is responsible for both of these children, yes?

Or is the dd less important somehow?

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 12:44

Agree with Bill.

BillSykesDog · 01/03/2016 12:46

No, Walter, but apparently the son is.

PoundingTheStreets · 01/03/2016 12:47

Bill

Oh so know we're talking about his money they're suddenly 'equally dependent'. But when it's her money she's suddenly 100% independent?

That's a completely false argument. You're comparing apples with oranges.

In the case of their joint child, neither one of them could have the child, nor support it, without the other. Neither can reproduce asexually. He cannot work without childcare. She cannot SAH without his financial contribution. Quid pro quo.

In terms of her house - she bought it singly, before they got together and with no input from him.

And FWIW, if the genders were reversed, I would say similar. Joint assets are those that can be considered to be a product of the marriage.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/03/2016 12:47

To OP?

So he should be, financially at least.

Both children have two parents looking out for their best interests.

What is wrong about that, each?

Waltermittythesequel · 01/03/2016 12:48

*exactly. Not each. Bloody phone.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 12:49

Earned income and SMP belongs to the family as a whole. Her SMP should go in to the family pot and pay towards rent/bills/etc. Once she goes back to work then that will go in to the family pot too. If she decides not to go to work then she would be saving a heck of a lot of money by taking care of the Dd and stepson when he comes to stay.
Her money she gains from the rental property is her money, and it's not up to him what she does with it. He he thinks it's all unfair then he can always call it a day.

Tutt · 01/03/2016 12:54

I had a step Mother like you, she assumed my Mother and family would give to me (I lived with her and my Father). She assumed many, many things!
I don't see them anymore, the bough my step sibling a house, a car etc etc, I got/get nothing.

Yes you can do what you want with your own money BUT don't ever say you are fair!
My DSS and my DS get exactly the same regardless of what my DSS's Mother may give, my DS gets nothing from his absent Father or his family. I am fair and always will be, couldn't live knowing I could hurt a child in the way I'd been hurt.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 12:54

Unbelievable.

I hope to see you on the next thread in Relationships where a woman moves into the home of a man, that he bought himself, had a baby with him and became a SAHM and then they split up and she gets booted out with nothing.

I'm sure you'll all be saying that's entirely fair and as it should be.

PoundingTheStreets · 01/03/2016 12:56

I speak as someone who saved for many years after my divorce to give my step-son a lump sum on his 21st birthday. When I got married and made him part of my family, that promise to him (as a child) was one that IMO could not end morally just because I divorced. I had no children of my own then.

My DSS's family is large and rather well off. My DC have only me and my assets. My current duty is to them.

The DP's duty in this case is to both his DC, and he and his partner need to talk about how they are going to manage that, which agreeably is not an easy situation for the DP. I rather feel for him TBH. But that's the reality of a blended family for you. It's not the OP's obligation to sort that out using her own pre-relationship assets.

And right now, in the throes of PND, she shouldn't even be worrying about this, which is only going to make her feel worse and be completely counterproductive.

AyeAmarok · 01/03/2016 12:56

Feeling Why on earth would rental income from her property not be counted as earned income that should go into the family pot along with her SMP?

Waltermittythesequel · 01/03/2016 12:56

Well that would be the family home, Aye and he will have his dependent child living in it so how is that the same thing?

PoundingTheStreets · 01/03/2016 12:59

Again, comparing apples with oranges:

I hope to see you on the next thread in Relationships where a woman moves into the home of a man, that he bought himself, had a baby with him and became a SAHM and then they split up and she gets booted out with nothing.

In your example they would be living in a house which the man himself brought into the joint relationship by moving her in. It would be her home. She is then made more vulnerable by having his baby, which is a joint venture.

In the OP's example, the house concerned is a rental property that she has kept separate and in no way is a home to the DP.

If, in your example, the man had a second house the woman had never had any involvement with let alone it being her home, I would say that he too is entitled to keep it separate.

Tutt · 01/03/2016 13:01

Oh just to add if you are living in your partners home to be able to rent out your own I find what you are doing pretty despicable.
Do you contribute to your new home?

ZiggyFartdust · 01/03/2016 13:07

I hope to see you on the next thread in Relationships where a woman moves into the home of a man, that he bought himself, had a baby with him and became a SAHM and then they split up and she gets booted out with nothing

You can hope all you like, but since that is an entirely different scenario, youd be disappointed, wouldn't you?

BillSykesDog · 01/03/2016 13:09

Earned income and SMP belongs to the family as a whole...Her money she gains from the rental property is her money'.

I would absolutely love to see the responses on here if a woman said that her DP had told her that only money from things acquired after they met each other was joint and income from investments before they met was just his. She'd be told to LTB.

Anyway, I agree with Pounding, I think this thread is getting to the point where it would be counterproductive for the OP as she is vulnerable at the moment and a bun fight is probably not going to do her any good. For that reason I'm going to stop posting about it.

I also agree with pounding that they shouldn't make any important decisions about it now and she should concentrate on getting better.

OP, congratulations on the baby and I do hope you are feeling better soon. Flowers

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 13:09

Tutt I doubt she is living with him just so she can rent her own property out. I think people would rather live in their property and be happy rather than live with someone and be unhappy just so they can get a few hundred quid by renting that property out. At least she can always move in to it if he becomes an even bigger arse. Maybe she is even considering it?

And yes, she does contribute towards her new home. She gets SMP, possibly CB/tax credits and also stays at home to care for the baby. Confused

ZiggyFartdust · 01/03/2016 13:11

Why do people think that step children should get so much more than other children? A child of the current family has 2 parents to look after them, pay for them etc. A step child is supposed to have his two parents, separately, and their new partners as well to treat them exactly the same.
So a step child gets 4 parents while another child gets two. A step child gets 2 birthdays, 2 christmas's 2 family holidays etc etc, twice as much of everything, according to the fairness police on here.

It's bizarre. I was a step child, and I never expected (or got) everything twice over.

ZiggyFartdust · 01/03/2016 13:14

And another one:

I would absolutely love to see the responses on here if a woman said that her DP had told her that only money from things acquired after they met each other was joint and income from investments before they met was just his. She'd be told to LTB

No, she wouldn't. You meet someone and 2 years later you think you should own half of everything he has, long before he met you, just because you got pregnant? That's insane. What kind of golddigger would you have to be to expect half of everything in a newish relationship?

HairySubject · 01/03/2016 13:14

I think that if the OP is putting £100 away for her DD then her partner should be able to put £100 away for his son too from his Salary. If they can't afford to because of bills etc then the OP should be contributing a bit more to the household from her income which would then enable the children to both have savings.

In regards to your feelings about your DSD I would say it is quite common to feel this way when you have a tiny baby. I certainly did. I hated DSD touching my baby and wanting to hold him and breathing all over him. I knew it was my issue but when they are so tiny you just want to protect them and a four year old is so clumsy and big in comparison. I just bit my tongue and plastered on the smile and as DS got a bit bigger and less breakable the feelings passed. As I saw the bond form between them the feelings disappeared completely. I have an excellent relationship with my DSD now even though her father and I are no longer together she still spends a lot of time in my home so the way you are feeling now doesn't have to be the end of your relationship at all.

FeelingFine89 · 01/03/2016 13:15

Ziggy some people are just entitled and grabby. It baffles me how he had a second child with another woman and expects both children to have exactly the same. That just won't happen when they both have different mums and different extended families.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/03/2016 13:19

It's the way of MN, I'm afraid.

Second children are always dismissed as less important.

You could post that a step child had set your baby on fire and it would be your fault for not loving the little darling enough!

Tutt · 01/03/2016 13:22

Feeling Fine you have completely missed the point!
You don't pretend to be 'fair' when you are being anything but!
I don't get on that well with my DSS BUT I could not be anything other than fair with both the children in my life, I couldn't/wont give to my DS even though he is my PFB without giving the same to DSS... I grew up with a screwed idea of what is fair and it damaged me as a child. It makes you feel less worthy, second best and not part of the family.
I couldn't do that to another person!