step child

[rochelle01]

Hi all, I am 34, recently had my first child to my partner who I have been with for 2 years. Our little girl was planned and we are due to be married soon. My partner has a 4 year old from a previous relationship, the mother announced the pregnancy after they split. He lives with his mum and spends one night a week with us and 2 days and more in hols etc. Since having my own child I have taken a dislike to his 4 year old. I don't want him here, I resent him for taking the time away from me and my first child, I don't want to feel this way but I really cant help it. Im on meds for post natal depression. Anyway I seem to have started another row this evening and I want to know what others thoughts are.I rent out a property that I had before my relationship with my partner therefore I am putting the £100 a month in her savings account aswel as her usual amount (my step son gets the same usual amount). My partner has said that this is unfair, I don't agree. I said we don't know what his son is getting from his mother and her side of the family, so he said fine he will ask her, I said you cant ask her if their son if in anyones will etc. He said he wants them to be treat fairly. I want to give my little girl the money from my property, its not my fault my daughter has a sibling to another mother who may or may not get money from her side of the family. Plus from my little girls side she will gro up knowing that he gets 2 birthdays/Christmases etc. Help please???????

deletetheheat don't be such an utter TWAT! My Op has a newborn and PND ffs

sorry....THE op

Your money is yours to do with what you want in terms of giving it to your daughter. The same is true of your ss and his parents.

I don't agree that children come from broken homes because the parents didn't work hard enough at the relationship. I think t's because too many people have children before establishing that they have found a suitable partner to have children with, i.e, getting to know each other first and ensuring the relationship is viable for 20yrs + as opposed to mistaking a fling for something more than it is.

As for the welfare of your SS in your home, I don't necessarily disagree with your partner's thinking of 60/40 when his son is there. He spends all the other time with his daughter with his son isn't there and when his son is with his mum he doesn't have the benefit of being with both parents together. It's your stepson's reality. Surely you don't begrudge him some special time with his dad when he visits? After all, spending time with his dad is the reason for his visit and it's important for his welfare that he spends as much of that time as possible continuing and enriching that relationship with his dad.

I don't agree that children come from broken homes because the parents didn't work hard enough at the relationship. I think t's because too many people have children before establishing that they have found a suitable partner to have children with, i.e, getting to know each other first and ensuring the relationship is viable for 20yrs + as opposed to mistaking a fling for something more than it is.

Would you like a medal for smug with that?

It sounds like your partner is the actual problem here! Saying his son deserves some of your money, saying he is going to spend more time with his son. Honestly, he sounds like a dick.

I do have to say, your dd will have no reason to feel jealous that he gets 'two birthdays and two christmas's.' That's not something any child would choose, it's what he gets because his parents split and they can't celebrate together.

But also, don't give in and start giving your own money away. Of course you're entitled to keep that aside for your child, and it's hardly going to help your feelings if you do capitulate.

I'm glad that you own a property. You're not trapped. If the situation becomes intolerable and he's making you miserable, you can start to make an exit strategy.

YANBU wrt the money.

YABhugelyU wrt your stepson.

Sort your feelings towards him as a priority, he is a small child and does not deserve this.
Also, 60% of one day a week is virtually nothing - stop letting your feelings dictate the relationship that this little boy has with his father.

You chose to have a relationship with someone who had a child.
You chose to have a baby.
Your poor stepson chose none of this.

As for those comments that say leave him, is this not why we have so many children from broken homes, relationships are sometimes hard work and Im prepared to put in the hard work.

But is he? From what you've said here, it doesn't sound that way. When you have one person doing all the work, they run the risk of becoming a doormat to constantly appease the other. For instance, he'll be happier if you stick an extra £50 a month in his sons saving account. Are you prepared to do that?

Just bear in mind, a 'broken home' can be much calmer and happier than an 'intact one' where the parents are constantly getting at each other, and playing favourites with the children.

As people always say when women post about male partners dictating how money is spent: this is not your money, it's family money, as a family unit your income goes into a common pot. I'm assuming you have now withdrawn this £100 from the pot so the rest of the family will be getting less? I'm also assuming that the rest of the rent is paying off a mortgage on a property which will eventually be inherited solely by DD? Which you leave out of the comparison with his mother's side and his two birthdays?

If so, you really are creating quite a future nest egg for your daughter and the inequality in the relationship is going to cause big, big problems in the future.

You really do need to get this sorted pronto, get as much post-natal mental health support as you can.

Jesus, I am absolutely astounded by all the people on here saying that the money belongs to the OP and it's fine. Whenever I've seen a similar thread where a man has made a unilateral financial decision which doesn't benefit the whole family the MN consensus is normally that money is family money and should go into a shared pot where decisions are made jointly.

Interesting how when it comes from the man's side it's family money to be used jointly but when it's a woman's money it's hers to keep.

Well regardless, unless you stipulate otherwise, your money will be shared money when you marry.
More importantly; kids definitely know if they're loved. Baking cakes and 'playing' at being loved is ineffectual. Children know from proper love

Instead of putting that money into your daughters account and causing problems why don't you use it to repay the mortgage off quicker? That way there can be no reason for conflict.

Your stepson is there for 1 day so if the partner works away from home during the week then presumably he is home for two day. That means your daughter also gets 1 day, so a fair and equitable division of dads time.

When you get married your property will also become his unless you have a trust for your children. Does the ex wife also have a house or is she just renting?

BirthdayBetty is quite right children have a sixth sense about adults and will know you are putting on a false front. Show some compassion and stop being selfish. Make sure you take your meds and get regular checkups, PND can be a bitch but you don't have to be one.

Wrt the money, OP is not the mother of the little boy so why should she use her money to put into a savings account for someone else's child?
Surely the father and the boy's own mum is responsible for that?

It depends how they work their finances really - some people have completely separate finances, some have completely joint finances.

If I ever got married again, I wouldn't expect a new partner to pay into my children's savings account - I expect their father to though, alongside me; and I sure as hell won't be paying savings to anyone else's children either.

Bunny, that depends though. If that £100s withdrawal from the family finances means that it is plugged with money from the DPs finances then that means it's being withdrawn from the family (of which the little boy is part) finances as a whole. If the father can make up the shortfall in savings himself despite the £100 being withdrawn I guess that's okay. But if it means the father is losing out on £100 of his own money to fill the gap left behind by it's withdrawal and can't afford to put money in his son's account as a result that is not fair. If this money is going to her daughter because, for example, OP has decided that she's not going to use it to pay the council tax anymore then it's not just 'her' money and it's coming out of family funds. I guess it really depends on what sort of impact £100 per month will have on the family finances overall.

If the OP is on SMP or a SAHM at the moment I would say that withdrawing £100 a month from the family finances would have a pretty big impact, unless the husband is earning a lot of money. But again, that takes us back into the realms of what's his money belongs to both of them, but what's hers is hers alone. Which is unfair.

Agree actually Bill.

I'd start making arrangements for when he leaves because by the sounds of it he's clearly not going to prioritise you over his son. I'd imagine he's pretty angry and offended by your resentment and i wouldn't be surprised if the wheels in his head have already started turning regarding an escape plan. It would be an absolute game changer if it was my son. I could no longer like never mind love someone that made such proclamations.

Also, the OP brings up the matter of this little boy being in other people's wills but doesn't seem to realise that the same applies to her DD.

The OP has a property which is having the mortgage paid off by rental income. Given what the OP has already said I would be astounded if she won't protect that investment to ensure it goes to DD. I really can't see her leaving it to DP to split between the children seeing as she is very, very clear she sees this as hers alone and not family property. Will DD be in anybody else's will? Her grandparents?

If you're going to start treating children differently on the basis of something they may or may not inherit in the very distant future, then putting the DDs potential inheritance of a house into the mix could well (if he has no inheritances due) mean if everything was done on that basis actually DD should be getting nothing at all and ALL of the savings each month should be going to DSS.

Which I think is the rub really. One child shouldn't be getting less on the basis of (possibly non-existent) inheritance from elsewhere when the OP is choosing to ignore the same benefits when her daughter receives them.

Because you can't tell a child they're not getting less because they might inherit something when the other child is getting extra and a protected inheritance. It's just not fair.

DD is getting £x per month + £100 + each monthly contribution to the equity of the house.

DSS is just getting £x per month. That's quite a significant difference and means she's getting two extra payments towards her future each month.

I think what complicates this is the OP and her DP not living together.

'Family money' is quoted when the couple live together and an equal commitment is there.

The DP lives with his Mum and may have less living expenses than the OP.

I think the resentment towards the child could be PND. I had PND and resented my DH and didn't bond with my that baby as much as my others, it's a horrible condition.

Having a baby brings up new dilemmas, especially when you don't live together, that you might not have thought about, so it's time for a calm taking over of all matters.

OP, I don't think on the face of it that you should be putting money into your SDS's account, without straightening out your DPs future plans and commitment to you and your DD.

Yanbu with the money. But when you marry will the rental house and it's income become a joint asset? You may have issues then.

Yabu about the child. He will be picking up on how you feel.

I can't say I disagree with him spending more time with his son when his son is there. Is son is only with you 2 nights a week. Your child is with you both every day.

Cutecat78 no medal necessary thanks and you don't know me to be really know if I was being smug or not. I think your post come over more smart-arse than mine did.

It's the DSS who lives with his mother isn't it? Not the DP. That's how I read it.

Sparkle, I totally agree with you.

The amount of people that move a new BF/GF in, before really getting to know them, sort out how they parent etc especially when they already have children, is baffling.

Yes it's the DSS who lives with his mother, not the DP. The DP works away in the week and is back for the weekends.

Bill, yes I read that wrong.
It was the clear % of time that the DP was allocating to the children that confused me.

I wonder how much of this is the OPs PND, tbh because I can remember getting caught up in non important arguments with my DH of twelve years.

I don't think the OP gives enough information, where they are living, how finances are generally worked out etc.

I think that any major decisions should be made when the OP has recovered from the PND.

I agree with Bill