Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

303 replies

YoJesse · 28/02/2016 14:58

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

OP posts:
Original poster
YoJesse · 28/02/2016 21:47

That is MNHQ

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 28/02/2016 21:48

He's not safe. Physically or emotionally, and the fact you are still blind to that is the worst bit of all.

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 28/02/2016 21:49

Tbh, Bill, the SW will have seen all this before in other families with substance abuse issues. They're pretty used to dealing with people whose ideas are completely skewed and who really cannot see that their chaotic lifestyle is dangerous.

Unfortunately they also see too many people who are unwilling to make the changes necessary and who seem unable to put their child first (for a whole host of complex reasons). In those situations the parents too often convince themselves that the problem is the nasty SWer inmuch the same way that the OP has started out blaming her in-laws here, and then was livid that the medical staff involved SW.

The above does not have to be the OP! But the first step is to really recognise what the safeguarding concerns are and to address them.

Original poster
YoJesse · 28/02/2016 21:49

Seriously please pm me if cones. Ds not here tonight.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 28/02/2016 21:50

YOU ATE NOT DEALING WITH EVERYTHING. YOUR SON IS IN DANGER.

You say you both love your son. Maybe you do. Just not as much as you love the drugs. Your son is a very distant second, to both of you.

Thank God social services are involved.

TonySopranosVest · 28/02/2016 21:51

I think the heat needs to be taken out of this thread. Swearing and threatening the OP is really counter productive when it's clear that she is scared and possibly coming to some realisations here.

It's very hard when you're all tangled up in this sort of relationship and there's a lot of minimisation and normalising that gets difficult to see past.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents OP?

Zariyah · 28/02/2016 21:53

You really don't sound ok. Is there anyone else, not DH, who can support you? Who has your son? I wonder if they can be with you right now.

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 28/02/2016 21:54

Who is looking after your DS tonight, OP?

Having support around you is a good thing.

Waltermittythesequel · 28/02/2016 22:02

Have you taken something, OP?

Your posts are incoherent.

Who has your son?

AddToBasket · 28/02/2016 22:05

I think this thread is a bad idea.

OP, are you OK? i get the impression you thought this was going to be about your in laws, not your parenting and maybe it's a bit of a shock?

PixieChops · 28/02/2016 22:07

I've just RTFT and definitely think something not right is going on. OP is now pretty much incoherent and can't make out her last few posts. How can we be sure you don't have your son at home with you? Personally I think you're as bad as he is and that your child should be taken off you. It's disgusting.

wannaBe · 28/02/2016 22:10

Look, MN HQ aren't going to report the OP to the police, and while the OP's responses are incredibly naive and worrying given there is a small child involved here MN HQ can't and won't get involved. The OP hasn't reported a crime, and social services are already involved.

If this is real then the op does need to wake up and smell the coffee. Social services can and do take children away from loving parents. Loving doesn't necessarily mean good parent. but it sounds as if the OP has drug issues herself hence why she is unable to see the reality of what her child is being subjected to.

Op if you are clean and sober and don't have drug problems yourself then you need to wake up to the reality. If you stay with this man there is every likelihood that social services will end up removing your DS for his own safety. Especially given you say that your H exposes him to grinders and drugs and drug dealers etc.

You both have choices here. You need to choose between your DH and your DS before it's too late and the choice is taken out of your hands.

As for your DH, he needs to choose between his drug habit and his family. But only he can make that choice, you can' take it for him. and only when he has chosen and become clean and stayed that way for an extended period of time (the experts will know more about this than I do, but personally it would have to be a minimum of a year) should you feel confident enough for him to come back to you if you haven't moved on by then, and for your ds to have unsupervised contact.

TheWitTank · 28/02/2016 22:12

I'm a bit Hmm about this thread but on the vaguechance it might actually be genuine, I think you need to seek help ASAP op. You are deluded, incoherent and worryingly unaware of the scale of the issues going on. I think people have posted numbers upthread for drug counsellers/helplines.

LadyStoicIsBack · 28/02/2016 22:13

roundmyway Sun 28-Feb-16 21:20:00
'Yeah but OP isn't addicted to other substances'

RTFT & don't be a dick on a thread of this magnitude. OP's OH is also an alcoholic FFS - but thinks he is a 'recovering alcoholic' becuase he is currently not drinking. But that is bullshit as he is still - DAILY FFS so not an odd joint here and there - smoking weed. He clearly is an addict, and OP is at best an enabler, at worst a co-conspirator.

I know more than I would like to about addiction but the simplest thing to say it is bigger than any of us, that's why so much support is needed in recovery - it also lies to you, which is why OP and her OH are BOTH in such fucking denial.

I have every sympathy for, and immense pride in, those in active recovery. I have no respect at all for a Mother who is - and you really are OP - prioritising drugs over her child's well-being,

This is a breathtakingly sad thread.

OP where is your son right now?

PixieChops · 28/02/2016 22:15

That's what I want to know Lady.
Where is your son?!

wannaBe · 28/02/2016 22:15

IME incoherent writing is usually for dramatic effect. I hope so.

Original poster
YoJesse · 28/02/2016 22:21

No, I'm absolutely fine and just shit at writing after a drink. Ds is with my family. Honestly nothing t worry about m.

OP posts:
LadyStoicIsBack · 28/02/2016 22:25

I am going to bed worriedSad

I think DS is somewhere else tonight as OP wanted to use and her barometer says that long as she doesn't do that whilst her son is in the house that that is somehow OK.

I really hope OP reads the whole thread in the morning when she is clean and sober, and the wall of denial starts to crack a bit (although it won't for as long as she wishes to remain a user).

AndOP, read that last bit again and then your words vis how you love your son more than anything as they do seriously clash with each other. I don't doubt you love your son, but you are prioritising other things over him and I think there is a fair chance that if you and OH do not clean up completely then your son may be removed from your care.

Like so many pp's have said: 'love isn't enough' - he needs ACTIVE love which involves you making choices you might not like but if you don't make them, then please don't claim to prioritise your son as you really really aren't Sad

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/02/2016 22:28

When you say "a drink" how much do you actually mean?

I can indulge in wine and my typing isn't affected, for it to be so I would have had to have had a really significant amount of alcohol.

LadyStoicIsBack · 28/02/2016 22:29

Cross posted but obviously accuratelySad

It's Sunday night OP - you do know that it's not normal for most people to farm their child/ren out so they can get hammered don't you?

Is Alcohol your drug of choice OP? If yes, how will your OH stay clean of alcohol at all, let alone his drug of choice which is obviously weed.

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2016 22:32

I know Netmums have passed on details to the police in the past when they have felt a child is in danger. Not sure if this quite reaches the threshold though.

I'm wondering how DP is coping in his new recovery with the OP sitting getting shitfaced?

That poor kid.

LadyStoicIsBack · 28/02/2016 22:33

Ali I would hazard a guess at about half a bottle of vodka?

OP will have high tolerance to alcohol so by the time it does start affecting her writing (IE kinda like after maybe 3 glasses of wine for someone who drinks socially) it will only be after what most people would consider to be a serious amount of alcohol.

wannaBe · 28/02/2016 22:34

Well, I see OP is pretty new to MN. Like within the past couple of weeks. So OP, is your son two or three? There seems to be some confusion over that given that you said on a different thread he is two and now he's three.....

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 28/02/2016 22:36

I'm glad you've got family support OP. You're going to need it.

Btw, Op, in the morning it might be worth reading back through your posts because the story you are telling yourself (and us, but it's the story you tell yourself that matters) doesn't add up.

For example, you say that the closest your son has come to being around drugs is picking up his father's grinder. But you also tell us that your DH's has taken him out with him when he goes to buy (and probably use) drugs. Being really honest with yourself about this is very important and will help you to understand and fix the problems.

wannaBe · 28/02/2016 22:37

"BillSykesDog a few years ago I reported a thread to MN HQ where a child really could have been in danger, and their response was that it really isn't for them to get involved especially given that they have very little information to hand on posters anyway but that this is a support forum and not their place to report threads to the authorities.

I suspect this one will be gone by morning anyway.

Swipe left for the next trending thread