To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

[YoJesse]

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

YoJessie It sounds as though things are improving for you and I hope they continue to do so. I think this whole thread got too heated and posters were making assumptions about you that weren't there. There was name calling and threats to call the police.
Yes you have issues and your dh is a long way from better but you are moving in the right direction.
Only you know how bad your situation is. Be honest to yourself.You have a support network and a social worker to guide you. Don't hide away from SS because they will do everything they can to help you keep your son and get you on the right track. Don't be afraid to ask for help or turn to mumsnet for support.

I'm surprised MN doesn't have a topic section for drugs/drug abuse . I think it would be useful for anyone that is affected by drugs and could be used for advice and support.

Your poor child.

Poor all of you really, but your child is innocent and need protection.

This is not a stable home. Loving doesn't really matter when the home isn't a safe or stable one, parents can love their children but not able to look after them as they deserve.

You come on talking about your husband being in recovery and you are around him getting drunk and stoned? On what planet would someone use those substances around their early 'recovering' partner?

Who with any self awareness would start a thread about substance abuse, trying to convince other's that it isn't that bad then start posting high and drunk themselves?

There is so much wrong with this thread, I hope it is a wind up, because if it isn't there is a young child here being raised by two parents who can't put him first, no matter how much you protest that you do.

Totally agree there should be a topic for this.

Excuse the appalling grammar above and the unneeded apostrophe in others

I can't muster up any sympathy for the OP. I sound harsh but I really can't. People who abuse substances wind me the fuck up no end especially when they have kids. Fair enough fuck your own life up, don't fuck up anyone elses.
Assuming neither of you have jobs either so all us lovely tax payers are paying for your weed and alcohol.
Nice one.
People will probably think I'm a cow and flame me and think I don't know a thing about substance abuse. Well I do. I had a father who was an alcoholic as was his brother and my own brother ended up in rehab due to drug abuse.

So, were you drinking and smoking with your dh last night, or alone? The dh who's "in recovery?"

Not sure which is worse, actually.

I hear you Pixie. I have a parent who is an alcoholic. Continually puts drink ahead of their own family but lives in complete denial. Totally fucking deluded.

Won't help themselves so there's fuck all I can do but protect myself and my dd from this person's own self destruction.

That poor boy.

I think it's fair to say the OP is probably an addict as well. At the very least she sounds like an alcoholic who is still in denial about her own addiction.

Oh and, just because someone can wait till the kids are out of the equation before getting smashed/stoned doesn't mean they aren't addicted/dependent.

no-one who wasn't addicted themselves would consider it ok that their drug addict partner took the baby out in the buggy when going out to score.

My dd's dad used to come and look after her one night a week while I took an overnight job to pay the mortgage because he was filtering money away to pay for drugs.

I discovered he was bringing heroin with him and taking it while she was asleep. Heroin!

He argued blind he would never put her at any risk, even when the extent of what he was doing was laid bare.

Addicts will justify literally anything to themselves to make sure they can keep using. The important thing is, where children are concerned, the other adults around them are not also buying into that skewed justification.

Jessie - if you love your son as much as you say you do, you will NOT raise him with an addict. You will NOT raise him in a house where drug taking is so normal and everyday an activity that drug paraphernalia can be left around for him to play with.

You have to decide what your priority is:

Your ds?

Your dh?

Alcohol and drugs?

You were drinking and smoking with an addict.

Unbelievable.

Report if you think it's a wind up.

Not everyone's lives fit the standard definition of 'normal'. Sadly there are countless situations like this and worse.

Of course difficult family situations exist and I imagine some are far worse than the one this op describes. That's not what worries me about this thread.

I did report it last night, because I was worried about her son. MNHQ said they'd look into it.
I don't think it's a wind up and I also don't think her son was out of the house last night. Their son needs taking off them into foster care until at least she sorts her act out. If my DH did anything like this near my kids he'd be out on his fucking arse within seconds. It's quite frankly terrifying that the OP also thinks that her son playing with a grinder is not unusual and is seen as acceptable.
I smoked a bit of weed when I was between 17-19. I didn't take anything else and I used to enjoy a night out and get pissed but that's before I had any responsibilities including children. Think OP needs to grow the fuck up as does her "D" partner. I worked in a school once where there was a child who came in very upset one day- she told me she didn't have any money for her lunch because her dad had spent it on drugs. She was 5 and she knew exactly what he was up to. Made me sick. Kids aren't stupid.

It definitely will affect your child. When I was about three years old I was putting straws up my nose in imitation (this was the wake up call my mum needed to sort herself out). Don't let that be your son.

If he ever started taking anything or drinking again he would have to leave. I'm clear on that. I was not drinking in front of him. Met up for some Drinks with an old friend after dropping ds off and had one too many. Dh was really upset when I got in and said I was being unsupportive by drinking (which is true) but I get so few times I can go out I overdid it. People on here are taking their assumptions as facts. For example, no I'm not a layabout. I would never drink to excess with ds in the house. I don't take anything other than the occasional smoke of weed. I've told our SW about the thread and she's adviced to leave it now. She says she works on keeping families together, not splitting them up. Also she told me off for being drunk in front of Dh. I've taken that on board.

Smoking weed IS taking drugs, Jessie!

Your son deserves to be raised in a clean (as in no drugs) house.

Maybe your dh needs the shock of being told he cannot live in the same house as his son, to give him the impetus to get clean. At the moment, he has no reason to get clean, because you are excusing his addict behaviour, his drug use.

Stop enabling him. Put your son first. He deserves better than a drug addicted parent - your dh will not give him this, so you MUST!!

Yes we both work. I don't know where you got the impression and drink all the time and smoke loads of weed but I don't. I rarely smoke and used to enjoy a glass or two of wine in the evening but bar last night. I don't drink anymore to support dh's recovery.

I'm starting to see that weed is a big issue. So you've all worn me down. I'm going to tackle him on it tonight. If he can battle addictive substance then he can, and will have to battle this for me and ds.

Your poor child.

Your husband's poor family.

You're a disgrace, sorry.

oh OP.

I dont judge you, but I think youre at serious risk of having your child removed from you, and no matter how much you love your man, there is no man in the world worth that.

Ive been a drug addict who stopped the moment i found out I was pregnant, but ive been in that world, and I have known many who didnt, and had their children removed. They all really really loved their children.

You said you can already sense your dp is getting bored, and you have already had SS involvement.

This thread isnt about the rights and wrongs of your inlaws or whether smoking weed is as bad as doing other things. Your man has actually said that hes not giving up weed on top of the other things he has had to give up - hes not giving up for the right reasons. Hes giving up because you want him to. That has such a low chance of working out, that you mustnt trust it.

Sometimes loving someone means stopping enabling their self sabotage. You can love him. Im sure he is interesting, enigmatic and clever and all those attractive things. He is also trouble and if he hasnt been able to put you and your child first in the last nearly 4 years since you got that line on a pregnancy test, then why the faith now?
He isnt ready to give up. Hes put you in the parent role thats making him do it reluctantly. You dont need to take on that role to anyone except your own child, who im sorry to say you are putting too far down on your lst of priorities. Youre prioritising your love affair with a broken man, and you could lose your child and if SS are already involved, then you actually probably will if you dont get your shit together and smell the coffee. Im sorry thats harsh but ive seen it happen. It happens all the time