To feel resentful of my inlaws treatment of Dh (their son, brother) during struggle with alcohol and drug abuse and his recovery?

[YoJesse]

Dh had been spiraling into heavier and heavier drug and alcohol abuse but recently due to a serious health scare he's been forced to tackle it. before his time in hospital his own family had pretty much given up on him, breaking contact with us (me, Dh and ds3). His own mother said she couldn't bear to see what he was doing to himself and didn't come to visit him in hospital. (non of his family did) As a mother I just can't imagine getting to a point where I break ties with my son. I'd always keep supporting him and being there for him. Aibu to judge them?

OP, you have to protect yourself. Seriously.

Let's say that you do eventually split and then want obviously to have your child living with you for the majority of the time. If your DH has a mind to contest this, then he will use your weed use against you. He could easily tell the courts that you are a drug addict and should not have your child living with you.

Don't let it happen to you.

Yeah, the whole social worker aspect is totally new and scary. I don't want to be in this situation but shit here I am. Surely there are so many totally shit fathers out there that hit their kids and shit. My situation, however disfunctional is at its core loving. I would still be wasted all the time bit pregnancy makes you strong and makes you evaluate. I naively thought dh would have the same epiphany. I'm just fucked and scared. Seriously though no one can take a child from a loving home.

This thread is so sad
My dd had a drug addition for years
Op I can't tell you how many times I used to wish it was my DH instead.
Because I would have run for the hills and never looked back.
Your child should be more important to you than your DH.

I agree completely with kidnapper that the OP's anger is displaced and that she has the absolute right to be angry at her husband.

I don't think the people pulling up the grinder incident are being overly dramatic though. Its drug paraphernalia at the end of the day and we are supposed to protect our children while they are children from seeing this as just normal everyday things. It's NOT the same as a wine glass, it just isn't.

I know weed smokers, was one myself once in the dim and distant past, and this intellectualisation of weed is just that...it's a distancing technique "oh it's not as bad for you as drinking alcohol", "it should be legalised", "what about medical marijuana?" It's all well and good but when, like the OP's husband, the drug gets a hold on you so that you are constantly blurring boundaries (leaving tobacco strewn all over the floor and giving out to your wife when she's cleaning it up; leaving your grinder lying around) and you can't stop even for one day and won't even think about that then it's a DRUG ADDICTION and all the talk about it being better than booze and whatever is pointless because addiction is addiction is addiction.

You need to get a grip!

It is NOT a loving home.

Love is NOT putting an addict before your son.

Love is NOT taking illegal drugs.

Love is NOT endangering your child.

Love is NOT expecting your child to cope with the emotional crap of dealing with an addict in their home!

A loving safe home does NOT trigger SS involvement following the limited disclosures your child's father made in hospital (cos I'd bet anything he didn't tell them everything!!)

SS can and do take children from loving homes if they are unsafe homes. Children need more than love. Almost every parent, however useless and abusive loves their child. But they also need to be warm, fed, clothed, safe - free from drug paraphernalia, nurtured, schooled, safeguarded and a thousand and one other things as well.

Love on its own is not enough.

You really need to get your act together now and safeguard and parent your child - he needs to be your number one focus.

Ah OP, I cross posted. Of course there are worse fathers out there. There's always something worse...but really is that the baseline for you? It could be worse, he could be physically abusing him? That's a pretty low bar you're setting for yourself, and ultimately for your son.

Please look into al-anon (I'm pretty sure NA have a similar programme too). It will help you to know that there are lots of people living with addicts and the main thing you have to learn to do is to protect and love yourself MORE.

"If I took his father out of the equation then he'd be devastated as would I."
Your DS is 3, right? He would miss his dad for a few weeks, but he would NOT be devastated. Not unless you told him to be. And by 'tell him' I mean demonstrate that behaviour to him. Teach him that that is the correct behaviour and reward it with cuddles and crying. Monkey see monkey do, basically. This is why parents have stiff upper lips, to protect their children from copying them when they are sad/angry/devastated. And after a few weeks, he might ask occasionally, but he still wouldn't be devastated, he'd just accept it as the new normal. As long as you weren't dripping around the place doing the woe-is-me-heart-on-their-sleeve act. Which you wouldn't, because you'd do anything for your son, and protecting him from your emotions is one of the things we sometimes have to do.

"he is an incredibly enigmatic man"
I wonder what you mean by this. Could you expand please?

"the only thing I'll challenge him on is constantly hoovering up tobacco and then getting shouted at incase there was anything else 'valuble' hoovered up with it."
If he's leaving stuff on the floor, there is far too high a chance of your son coming into contact with it. An tobacco shouldn't be hitting the floor either. Can you see how much you have normalised the abnormal?

"I don't know where I am but I want to be in a place that gives my son happiness. If I took his father out of the equation then he'd be devastated as would I."
You need to decide who is more important to you. Your husband or your son. I think it's already been mentioned upthread, you will struggle to do this alone. You've been sucked into enabling/codependency behaviour by your 'enigmatic man' and you really need to step back and see the wood from the trees. Nar-Anon or similar. Maybe talk to your Social Worker, they probably know about local groups or other sources of help and advice. What you can't do is stick your fingers in your ears and sing la-la-la. That does your son a grave disservice . Best wishes.

Seriously though no one can take a child from a loving home.

Do you really want to take a chance on that?

Surely there are so many totally shit fathers out there that hit their kids and shit. My situation, however disfunctional is at its core loving

Most parents who hit their children are loving too. Most parents who lose their children love them very much. Loving your child isnt enough.

Seriously though no one can take a child from a loving home
Please OP, don't delude yourself. I work in child protection. I have never come across a family who didn't love their child in their own way. However, that does not necessarily mean that the family can protect the child and keep him / her safe. Difficult decisions can and will be made if the child is not safe, however much you love him

Seriously though no one can take a child from a loving home

They can, and do, and should take children from addicts and their enablers.

I can't believe your frame of reference here is that some people beat their children.

I said I was out but fuck that's infuriating!

I don't understand why people think parenting stoned is fine. It's not, just like parenting drunk isn't fine.

When my DH smoked weed he would go out for a loaf of bread and a pint of milk and end up coming back 2 hours later with a family pack of kitkats, super noodles, beer and a can of silly string. If you can't remember a bloody shopping list how can you look after a child?

People who smoke weed seem to think it doesn't really affect them but it does and if you don't smoke you can see it. It's bloody irritating for an adult but must be frightening for a small child.

YABU! Completely fucking unreasonable. As a mother who is sat in bed in fucking bits after yet again finding drugs in her 19 yo sons bedroom I am at my wits end, call it the final straw or whatever you want.
I have younger dc here and will no longer put up with his lies, bullshit and disrespect. Tomorrow he leaves.

When he was a tiny baby I looked at him like you are looking at your ds now, I guarantee his parents have done all they can and are now doing what is best for them. Good luck to them!

This is all so unreasonable it seems unreal.

You don't seem to be taking anything on board but just to be very clear and very blunt...

Your dh is not in recovery, he is an addict and his continuing drug use is risking you all as a family.

You are in denial, he is not enigmatic or any of that bullshit, he is stoned.

Your child is in danger, physically, emotionally and socially.

All the rest of the stuff around excuses, intellectualisation of the use of cannabis etc has been said very eloquently and repeatedly before - you don't seem to be listening.

I am not particularly judgmental about the odd spliff, perhaps if you have older children and they are off out for a night or everyone in bed.

That's not what's going on here though. He's addicted to weed, to the point he can't contemplate even one day without it. It might be nicotine he's addicted to, it's not clear. But your whole house will smell, he's getting arsey as you hoover up tobacco (that in itself sounds horrid) in case you hoover up his weed, he cannot contemplate life without it. Soon you won't be able to go on holiday anywhere nice as he won't go cos he's worried about where he can get some from when he gets there (Thailand is out, by the way).

Weed is the second commonest reasons that people present to drug and alcohol services now.

Not all weed use and weed smokers are the same, and once you get to the heavier dependent end, it's unpleasant, often does affect their motivation and mental health and is definitely addictive.

That doesn't mean all weed smokers have the same effect, or that no-one should ever have a joint, but for some people, already with demons and other addictions, it won't be a good life choice for sure.

Good luck OP, but I think you honestly need to get help to support yourself, don't worry about his family for now, they may be horrid, they may have been burned by his behaviour before. Just leave them be and concentrate on trying to fix the situation you are in, as I really doubt love will be enough.

Plenty of people who aren't fit to be parents love their children. Plenty of people who love their children have them taken away for perfectly valid reasons. Love isn't enough.

OP, can you tell us what actually happened that your (sons?) social worker to become involved?

(I ask, not so that people can just have a go at you, but more to help you to think about why the situation is so bad and how you might be able to prioritise your son).

My dh has all That. warm afe home. We both care so much for him. I can shield him from any shit. Ok so the worst of it. Dh passing out cold 5 day ds in the his arm screaming. Couldn't wake dh till 3 hours later and he just rolled into the floor. Out all night many times returning blood stained. And I think I mentioned (which I'd never do In rl, dh taking ds out to score in his buggy). Sometimes I go of the rails
But only when ds is away.

After your last post you are either high yourself or on a windup!

YoJesse I'm not going to comment on your update, except to say, please work with the social workers, I'm glad they are involved. This doesn't sound right and I'm not sure what you are wanting from this thread, by adding these details, it really does sound a hell of a lot worse and not at all safe. Good luck with it all.

I hope things work out well for you and your husband but more so I hope that you have set yourself boundaries you are ready to walk away. Even if you won't put yourself first, make sure to put your son first even if you end up having to walk away and let your husband deal with this. Your relationship with your husband and the family unit is not something that should continue if it's going to ultimately be bad for your child.

I hope it works out well. I do think YABU in regards to your AIBU on judging; different people have different coping levels, they also have their own different (sometimes difficult and stressful) lives and situations going on, they also may well have heard it all before.

Have they said they want nothing to do with you and your son or nothing to do with your family unit? I wonder if he was out of the equation, if you did walk away from him for your son's sake, would they be there for you? Is it just him they've stopped contact with but because you still want contact and try to encourage it, it's spilled over to you.

Do you have support OP? You speak of supporting your husband, but who is supporting you?

MTPurse totally agree with you.

YoJesse: I think your own past (and present) issues with drugs and alcohol might have skewed your perceptions of this situation. That may be why you're struggling to see how bad it is, and it sounds really bad.

It really would be a good idea for you to go to some addiction support services (others have made good suggestions) to help you to think more clearly about what's happening in your life. Your social worker will probably help you to arrange this. Asking for this kind of help is the sort of thing s/he will view positively because it shows that you want to make changes and recognise you need to change your thinking and get support.