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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Or are our friends?

403 replies

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 10:12

Have three DDs aged 14, 12 and 9.

Very good friends announced their engagement a few months ago and invited the DDs to be flower girls - all three delighted.

Have now received formal invitation.

It says on it that no child under 10 can attend. DD3 is 9, will still be 9 at the time of the wedding.

Contacted friends to check that DD3 was still a flower girl.

Basically they want her there for the ceremony, pictures etc, but she won't be allowed to come to the reception/party afterwards. In short DD3 is expected to sit through a long ceremony, pose for pictures, look like a little angel, etc, then watch her sisters go to a fun party that she can't attend. We are expected to sort out childcare in a place that is miles from our home.

AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
hmcAsWas · 28/02/2016 14:06

Not at all reasonable.

They are childless, presumably? - and just haven't thought this one through. I was probably this obtuse pre children

Give them one more chance, politely spell it out as per your op

"In short DD3 is expected to sit through a long ceremony, pose for pictures, look like a little angel, etc, then watch her sisters go to a fun party that she can't attend. We are expected to sort out childcare in a place that is miles from our home"

If they still don't get it then politely decline the invitation

RandomMess · 28/02/2016 14:07

It's just madness.

If you wanted just the eldest 2 you have to make to the decision to have all 3 or none - trying to manipulate it is just bonkers and nasty Angry

We had a no DC wedding (apart from our own!) because close family friends had 3 very wild & unruly DC, it was a very sit down reception so we decided no DC at all rather then just exclude them!

hmcAsWas · 28/02/2016 14:09

Ooops missed your update of 12.57

MagratsFlyawayHair · 28/02/2016 14:09

I had a child free wedding for a couple of reasons that were excellent at the time and largely focussed on space.

Didn't stop me contacting the wife of my H's friend in person, as they were travelling from Texas with two kids, to say that we wouldn't blink about making an exception if they were going to come. They chose to get her mum who lived nearby to sit.

Equally if we'd known anyone with a babe in arms rather than a pre-schooler plus we'd have not blinked at them being brought.

I don't get how they can be so bloody blinkered. I'm glad you're not going. Have a fab weekend just you and yours!

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 28/02/2016 14:09

I'm so surprised - how ridiculous. And even if the caterers said they couldn't cater for under 10s, as it is her wedding she didn't need to tell them one of her bridesmaids was 9y 10m.

I wouldn't tell dds yet. Wait for a little as I bet they change their minds.

And if they don't, a nice weekend away will be great. Disneyland Paris?!!

MagratsFlyawayHair · 28/02/2016 14:11

I've just seen random' post and it reminded me that another reason we were child free was for one cousin's wildly unruly, never disciplined, three kids.

lilywhite32 · 28/02/2016 14:15

I would have loved to hear the conversation word for word, what did she say when you said you weren't going? How did the conversation end?

hmcAsWas · 28/02/2016 14:17

I am not convinced that the bride was deliberately trying to exclude the 9 year old. It was probably more the case that the caterer didn't provide food for under 10's and the bride and groom thought "oh dear, oh well then..." and got on with the rest of their wedding preparations

I think as parents we too often expect non-parents to think like parents do, and that's quite a big ask. A few are insightful, but for the others we have to explain it

Loqo · 28/02/2016 14:18

YANBU, it is absolutely ridiculous

That's really cheeky and stupid. What about you and the girls giving it a miss completely and your DH going on his own.

I think if you and the girls only went for part of the time you would end up feeling pissed off. I would. Try imagining how you would feel when everyone else is leaving the ceremony to go to the reception.

Organise something fun for you and the girls while your DH attends alone. Presumably there will be other old friends that he would like to see there.

mygrandchildrenrock · 28/02/2016 14:18

My best friend has 3 daughters and I only wanted one to be my bridesmaid. Best friend was happy with that and the oldest one was my bridesmaid.
If she had only wanted the oldest DDs, she could have let you know that and you could have made your decision accordingly.

PurpleDaisies · 28/02/2016 14:20

As a child free person j don't think it's right to chalk up the bride's behaviour to her not having kids. Who on earth thinks it's fine to invite two out of three children to a wedding?! It's fine if they didn't invite any of them but to leave one out is horrible. You don't have to be a mum to realise that.

Loqo · 28/02/2016 14:20

Sorry I missed the OPs latest posts.

OnlyLovers · 28/02/2016 14:21

Good on you for asserting yourself, OP. But what's it going to mean for your friendship? Will you be able to carry on being (will you WANT to be) best friends?

Dumdedumdedum · 28/02/2016 14:25

Isn't it quite major that the groom has lost his best man? I think pp mentioned they thought it might be deliberate on the part of the bride to separate her fiancé from OP's DH, but given she doesn't have past form for this, I think it's probably over-thinking it. Very odd bridal behaviour, though Shock
I hope you and your family have a lovely week-end away, OP and I bet the photos will be beautiful!

hmcAsWas · 28/02/2016 14:27

PurpleDaisies - we were all child free once, so I am also speaking from direct experience. When I was child free I wouldn't have given much though to this sort of thing...

pointythings · 28/02/2016 14:30

The food is a red herring, if you'll pardon the expression. I took DDs to a wedding for a good friend, there was no kids' menu, just a choice of three starters, mains, desserts. Everyone had something they liked.

I'm glad you aren't going, have a fabulous weekend away with your lovely DDs.

I think the bride may have blown a friendship out of the water though. Her loss.

ovenchips · 28/02/2016 14:30

I've read thread (and commented). Not sure if I've missed a post but do we know this is coming only from the bride? We are all pasting her but is groom equally deserving of censure?

I don't know in this situation, but I don't like to only blame the woman when it's down to both.

SauvignonBlanche · 28/02/2016 14:32

What is it about weddings that sends some people bonkers? Shock
If the groom goes ahead with it then he's just as bad.

Maryz · 28/02/2016 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 28/02/2016 14:32

hmc before you had children you'd have invited two children, plus both their parents to your wedding and left out the third? Hmm.

Everyone on this thread has said the bride was unreasonable. I bet I'm not the only one without kids.

FannyFifer · 28/02/2016 14:34

What is it about getting married that turns folk into absolute arseholes.

Jenijena · 28/02/2016 14:36

Your DH can be best man at his friend's second wedding.... Because if she's like this now....

OnlyLovers · 28/02/2016 14:38

hmc, I don't have children but I can see that the bride has behaved badly here.

hmcAsWas · 28/02/2016 14:39

I'd like to think I wouldn't have done this PurpleDaisies, but I did do some thoughtless things - like just assume that friends with a newborn could leave the baby with a family member (I knew bugger all about babies and hadn't considered how the mother in particular would feel about it)

IHeartKingThistle · 28/02/2016 14:41

Your DD3 will always know that you stood up for her. So, you know, silver lining! Smile